Little Notes for Little Eli -Part 6

6/15
Eli,

We worked on your nursery today! You have lots of little books and a sweet elephant lamp (thanks Nana!).  We got you a sound machine so you won't wake when Daddy and I are moseying around the house at bedtime. We bought you a slender little book case and bins for your bedtime stuff and middle of the night quick-change items.

You have such cute decorations too! The little pennants were made by your Aunt Sarah. Granny (and Grammy) made those little felt elephants and we (you and me and daddy) put the little elephant mobile together and hung it up. Your Nana got that perfect nightlight elephant on your book shelf and Your Papa and Mama hung up the shelf that has decorations on it too! 

It's small, but it's home. I think you'll be happy to sprawl out, even in your mini crib after doing 9 months on the inside ;)  I love it and I hope you will too.

Can't wait to bring you home,
Mommy

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6/17

 27 weeks today, Little Guy.  Grow, Baby, Grow!

Chocolate milk and hot cocoa make us very happy before bed!  Also, we did a some of your little laundries today. Every time I see your little outfits and blankets, I just can't help feeling overwhelmed with excitement!  I can't wait to snuggle you!

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6/21
Hungry Man,

We. Love. Macaroni.  I can't say this is a "new" craving ... I've kinda loved mac & cheese since, well, forever.  However the amount of effort I have been willing to exert in order to make mac and cheese says a lot about our desires recently.

No boxed option?  No problem.

Elbow noodles... cheddar cheese... noodles boiling... oven baking... 30 minutes wait time.
-- WILL DO!-- as long as we can eat a ton of it!  It had better be worth our while ;) For whatever reason, it's one of the few things that doesn't seem to make us feel nauseous at the moment.

Hooray for food,
Mom 
 
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6/24

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6/26
Little One,

Here we are at work. It thought it was funny when I put on this on and you were basically covered!  I'm not typically this "thick" in my midsection but it was kinda fun feeling like I wasn't smuggling a volley ball for a brief moment.

This turned out to be a really rough day at work though. Everything was calm until the last 2 hours of the day when everyone in Virginia Beach decided to show up at the apartment. Feast or famine, you know?!  I ended up walking the property 3 times in a row, showing apartments at different sides of the community and climbing several flights of stairs with each prospect. I had a spur-of-the-moment re-show, an application and security deposit to work on, another rental to enter into the database, files to quickly shove together, notes to leave for my co-workers, multiple cash sheets and checks and deposit tickets to add up and put together, phones to forward, a clubhouse to close up and end of day reports to remember to print.  I didn't get to leave work until almost 7:30 (I should leave at 6) and still had to make the drop at the corporate office.

...Needless to say, after exerting so much effort and attempting to maintain professionalism and "spunk" through the end of the day,  Momma had a bit of a breakdown once I left the office. I cried all the way home. Then I cried into my Pedialyte at home for a good long while too. lol

My body really doesn't do well when walking or standing around normally nowadays, let alone walking around outside in the heat with no water break and no resting for almost 2 hours straight. It doesn't sound so bad, I know ... but believe me, in light of our recently altered routines, it was a pretty taxing evening.  I think you were annoyed as well. You kept kicking and kicking -- which didn't help my overly sensitive insides to calm down. Crazy kid.  It is taking a long time to get my body to settle down tonight though. Hopefully the next entry won't include a visit to labor and delivery again.

I'm sure you will eventually witness the ridiculousness that is hormones and exhaustion from your Momma one day and you'll look at me like I'm a nut-case. But do me a favor and just hug me, okay?

Love you to pieces,
Mom

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6/28
Eli,

You have a new little cousin!
(Actually ... I guess you'll be the littlest cousin soon) Hooray, Joci is finally here!!!

We went swimming with Aunt Sarah and Mama on Friday, something we've been wanting to do for a while. It was incredibly nice to cool off in the water and feel no pressure on my body for a little while -- and feel the difference between pregnancy aches and actual pains. I'm sure it was especially nice for Sarah! After all, Joci was getting ready to make her big debut! Around 4 am this morning, we heard it was officially Joci's Birthday!!!

A little bit before we got the happy news from Josh and Sarah, I woke up with some pretty sharp pains (that reminded me of the kinds of pains I had before you and I were together). Those pains in on top of a few days of contractions and discomfort, I thought it was probably best to finally stop second guessing and head to the hospital to be checked out.

You, Sir, were as active as ever and your heart was beating strong. :) This time around contractions were there but not regular like last time! And luckily, no 'progress' was made and we credited the sharp pains to a ruptured cyst and went on our way. We have another appointment in just a few days, so we will see how everything goes then too. I'm beginning to wonder if my work schedule may have to change a little in order to keep me in the best shape to carry you. We will see.

***
In other AWESOME news:

We got to meet sweet Joci this morning!  She's so adorable and she has such chunky little cheeks. I just wanted to kiss them over and over again.

So many things went through my mind while holding her and loving on her. -- Like wanting to squeeze her so tight and tell her how loved she is. I got to hold Evie-girl but, given the timing and emotions surrounding everything, I didn't really let myself fully embrace her ... and it's something my heart regrets. Frankly I just didn't really know how to feel at the time.  It was so 'easy' to feel joyful and thankful while pressing my cheek against Joci's.  I cried a couple of times. I typically try to keep my emotions to myself... so that was kind of new for me. I just love those girls. <3

Holding that new little life also made me excited and so nervous about meeting you, little man.  Seeing her adorable head full of hair made me think even more about what you might look like.  The anticipation of meeting you is almost too much to bear! Truly, I can't imagine what you'll look like although I'm sure you'll look a lot like your dad and I'm sure that I'll think you are the most handsome kid on the whole entire planet. 

Holding that little pink bundle of fluff made me feel all ooey-gooey inside. (Like when I was a little girl holding my brand new baby sister for the first time).  I can only imagine how amazing it will be to finally hold you in my arms and kiss your little cheeks and hear your newborn sighs and finally have a face to put with the punches and kicks I've fallen in love with.

I can only imagine how scary it will be to also know that you are all mine (and Daddy's). --That we are completely responsible for you. Considering that I have a hard time keeping plants alive, I am a bit fearful of my feeding and parenting skills.  I'm not going to lie.  But we are going to wrap you up and take you home and you are going to wrap us around your little finger.  Our marriage, our family, our lives, will change forever.  For the better, my little love. <3

It was so wonderful having family gathered around celebrating together.  It's not something I've appreciated all that much until now, I have to admit.  I've tended to like my privacy and I've often distanced myself from potentially complicated or emotional situations (especially involving family). But I'm hopeful that when you come into this world, you will feel the love of your Daddy and I -- and so many wonderful people that we get to call family.  You are going to love having cousins that are close to your age and loving grandparents and Aunts and Uncles.  Believe me!

And, last but not least, it's incredible what new life does for your spirit. It's such an amazing thing to look at ten perfect little fingers and soft baby skin and realize that God make this precious, pint-sized, human in only 9 months.  It's just ... extraordinary!

Well, I guess that about sums up this particular installment of "The Mind of your Mother".  I love you Eli.  I can't say it enough.  Don't you ever forget it!

<3
Mom
  
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7/1

I believe I've discovered the secret to our most resent bout with nausea.  ...Not having contractions.  When I don't feel terrible and my stomach doesn't feel like it's literally tied in knots, I actually want to feed us.  

When we are up for eating, we have been craving baked mac and cheese, pizza, reuben sandwiches and wonton soup and ...brownies.  When we can eat, we definitely do eat! :) 

Also, wow!  You are getting very strong little man! I'm pretty sure you have bruised my insides with all of your jabs and kicks. You seem to like to hang out in the same spot most of the time and you seem to have a pretty solid pattern going ... one super exercise day and then one day of mostly resting.

I think you wear yourself out and have to take a day to recuperate from all of your adventures! Anyway, maybe you and daddy can work out together (flutter kicks and punches) soon.  I have no doubt that you'll be great at them!

...and here we are at bedtime :) Your Aunt Sarah made you that adorable little onsie with a bowtie!  So cute! 

7/8

Your daddy finished his second day at Norfolk Police Academy today! We are very proud of him!  We have been very busy over the last couple of weeks preparing for this new adventure. I know your dad is incredibly excited that this is finally coming about! It's been a little unnerving trying to figure out a job switch, insurance switch, and all the other details that come with pay change and timing and other life changing events (YOU) ;) -- in such a short period of time. But we are committed and excited and we will figure out the rest as we go!

We couldn't be in a better situation to make everything work at the moment. It feels right and that is incredibly comforting. I have to admit though, I tend worry about him with this particular career choice ... but most of the time ... the best things require a lot of faith. I'm sure that's what you and I will be resting on a lot in the future.

Love you and daddy so very much,
<3
Mom

Our 2013 Journey

2013. Quite a year for our little family of 2...

Close to the start of the year, we went to Florida for a wedding. I got to see some of Jed's family, I had never met before. We were able to spend time with Dave and Teresa (for the first time) outside of normal, day-to-day, activities in Virginia Beach.  I loved that. It was so interesting to see family with family too-- they are a bit crazy/quirky ;) I really like them. Also, I met Ariel at Disney World and ate a ridiculous amount of theme park food. A memorable trip, I'd say.

We moved out of the Rieke cottage and into our first apartment in Norfolk at the end of February. I learned a ton about myself and about my new job after getting thrown into the deep end of apartment management and becoming a rarely-leave-home resident manager. Jed began his second year with The Center and made it through another great symposium. It's always exhausting and time consuming, but incredibly rewarding for all his hard work to finally come together.

We made it nearly 6 months at Pleasant Village, which is certainly a miracle in my book. The amount of stress in that position was quite difficult. We absolutely loved our neighborhood and our wonderful summer strolls on the bay, though. We couldn't really make ends meet with the pay and time constraints of the job so... in August we made another change... mostly for sanity's sake and for the sake of our bank account.

Through a strange, and wonderful, turn of events (while we were looking for new housing options in Virginia Beach in August) I heard of another property manager/assistant manager position with my (now) new company. I started at Shoreline on September 1st and, frankly, I couldn't have been placed with a better manager or in a better position. I don't make millions, but I certainly am happy with this job.  I imagine it will turn out to be more of a career.  I would have never guessed that property administration and management would be such a great fit overall.

In the same month as our second move of the year, Jed gained a new boss at The Center. Jed handled the transition incredibly well. Not only did The Center's management change, but many of their goals and visions. It was not an easy adjustment for Jed, who truly loved the Center's previous mission but he has made it through and has done his job very well. He's intelligent and capable and amazing at maintaining a good outlook overall, even when things don't go as planned.

I believe that Jed has learned a lot about himself this past year too.  He helped me through a lot of change and made a lot of hard decisions regarding the family "brand" he wants to create, his career goals, and our living situation. There have been significant disappointments for us this past year, but I truly think we made it through very, very, well. I like being on a team with my Jed.

We may not have graduated or married, bought a house or had little ones in 2013, but our lack of (seemingly) huge or life-altering events or announcements actually shaped us more than some of the bigger things we've accomplished.

Things haven't often been made very clear for us over the past few years of marriage but I'm looking forward to deciphering God's plans in the coming year. One day at a time. We can make it. I'd say 2013 was a great success and much, much, more than an unsettled journey. It's been a really rewarding one.

Happy 2014, Friends and Family. <3

I pray that this new year brings a great deal of heart change and happiness... that your blessings will be incredibly evident, and hardships won't defeat you (especially your spirit) but be taken as an opportunity to learn and grow closer to God --and closer to those you love.

We love you.

<3 Lauren

Decisions, Decisions.

I know I've been quiet for a couple of months and thought I'd let you in on the inner workings of this mind of mine. There are about a million and two questions that have been circling my mind and laying heavy on my heart over the last several weeks. 

Here are 5: 

1. Do I really have to give up what we just thought God was orchestrating for us, change my job yet again and revert back to our living situation from 6 months ago? (not that it's the worst- certainly far from it- so don't get me wrong. It's more about the principle and resulting hurt than the situation itself)

2. Do I really have to give up hope on having a baby, yet again, after feeling so hopeful and sure that God was orchestrating it for us... and wait another year to 2 years before trying for family (assuming that in 2 more years, things will be okay financially).  This breaks my heart and I have to constantly put it in 'check'.

3. Would I rather give up the stress of my current job (which allows some flexibility and 'at home' hours) in hopes of making more money (to hopefully aid in family planning)...
OR 
4. Would I rather stay where I am (stretching myself thin with work and stress and praying for consistent opportunity for cash-flow) in hopes of having space and the ability to stay home with an infant (that may or may not come to be in the next year or 2).

5. Which risk is the most 'right'?

Here are my options:

Option #1.
Work a 'normal' 9-5 office job again, leaving our 2 bedroom place behind, and moving back into the cottage so we can try to save money. 

2 year job commitment to prevent job-hopping -resume.
Ability to rest without being 'on call' 24-7.
1 bedroom studio (great little space for just us!) instead of 2 bedroom apartment.
Little room for growth, space-wise.
Little flexibility with 9-5 job
Great flexibility at the cottage if the "bottom falls out" financially.
Great flexibility with choosing to lease in the future (not held to a lease agreement).
Less expense, more savings.
Ability to pick up side-job.
Evenings and weekends free for service, friends, family and rest (as finances allow when trying to save a great deal of money)

Option #2
Work a 'normal' 9-5 office job again, leaving our 2 bedroom place behind, and moving into a 1 bedroom apartment. 

2 year job commitment to prevent job-hopping -resume.
Ability to rest without being 'on call' 24-7.
1 bedroom apartment (with a bedroom door-hooray) instead of 2 bedroom apartment.
Little room for growth, space-wise.
Little flexibility with 9-5 job.
Little flexibility with lease agreement.
Added expenses, added income, little to no savings.
Ability to pick up side-job.
Evenings and weekends free for service, friends, family and rest (as finances allow).
Privacy and space.
Possibility to be close to job(s) for convenience.

Option #3
Continue where we are, managing apartment complex, but pick up multiple side jobs to make ends meet.

Job directly relates to housing situation.
2 bedroom apartment.
Room for growth and guests.
Great neighborhood and area.
Flexibility in terms of day to day activities and timing.
Ability to 'stay at home' with a child.
I don't have to travel to work at all.
Not particularly convenient travel to daily activities but not terrible.
Ability to work side job(s) to make ends meet.
Have to work side job(s) to make ends meet.
Expected to be 'on call' 24-7 and 'in-office' for 44 hours a week. (Monday - Saturday)
Only compensated for 20 hours of weekly work in exchange for housing.
Only one day off per week (Sunday- but emergencies always take precedence)
On call 24-7.  Little rest, often high stress and 'emergency' deadlines that must be met.
Having to take on side-jobs doesn't allow a great deal of time for serving (at church) like I'd like to, doesn't allow us to give (financially), like I'd like to, or maintain relationships like I'd like to.

*there are so many variations of each of these options depending on jobs, pay rates, hours worked and days worked...

Around and around we go....


I measure just about everything through these three questions:
Is it RIGHTeous?  Is it Logical?  Does it bring glory to God?

None of these options, despite lots of prayers, have been clearly laid out as much more right or more logical or more glorifying that the others. Not having clarity on these things really makes decision-making incredibly difficult and exhausting. -- One moment I'm crying over not wanting to give up on what I thought we would have here, at this job and house... and the next, I'm thinking that, perhaps, with just a little more time and money we can finally get 'there' ...and with the next breath I'm wondering if God wants us to get 'there' at all.

What takes precedence?  Giving (money and time) to church, family, friends? Having a family of our own?Serving and witnessing through the workplace?  Being responsible with finances and saving as much as possible, as to not inconvenience or impose on family and friends?

I couldn't  be any more heavy-hearted or confused than I am now (and have been) while trying to seek clarity from God on these things so...

I'm completely and totally open to all suggestions.  What would you do? Have you ever been in a win/win or no-win situation?  How did you decide? What do you think? 


Before you think I've fallen off the deep-end (because my post isn't filled with bible verses) just know that my heart isn't ungrateful or unyielding or completely discontent.  This is my heart and my mind at work-- and it's been quite a battle.  ...and there's more to come on that.

Letting Go and Letting God

Lord, I Need You

Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay

--An excellent and powerful reminder for days when you feel like praising
... and for days when your heart feels like a concrete in your chest.

All you can do is release control, aknowledge God's goodness, grace, power, and protection
...pray for peace and wisdom, and consistently remind your mind to have Faith in the Lord's promises.

I often need a daily reminder to release control.
Songs of praise and surrender have this incredible way of calming my anxiety and chipping away at the heavy heart within me.

I hope this song can be the song of your heart today (and everyday) too.
<3

Feeling Blessed

I haven't had a lot to say recently or lots of exciting pictures to post but (as I'm sure, you've experienced or already know about me) when I'm overwhelmed I tend to be quiet  ...or a raging ball of angst. This week, I choose quiet.

I could write about all the ways that this move has been an adjustment... and all the difficulties surrounding change... but this time, I just want to say how grateful I am about how things have fallen into place for us.  Many a prayer has gone up regarding our future, our family, our jobs, and ministry, and finances... and God has been good to answer prayers quite steadily!

I've been impressed with the ease of making it into our new place. Moving a 400 something sq. ft apartment wasn't as taxing as I had made it out to be in my mind.  ;)  We had wonderful help and a gracious landlord that let us move in early so we could go out of town for a week.

Jed and I were able to go on vacation and spend a little time with Dave and Teresa out of our normal environment, which was super fun!  I met some more of Jed's family! They are just so lovely... and fun too! We hung out in the magical world of Disney for a few days... which  made me feel like a toddler again.  And we came back, safe and sound, ready to tackle the next chapter.

I started my new job training a day later and, despite normal 'complications' with any new training situation and new housing, I feel as though I'm gaining a pretty good grasp on what needs to be accomplished and why. The 'why' part tends to be super important to my learning process, so that's especially great. I'm pretty confident that this job is right for me, which is a much needed feeling, given the substantial changes we've made to make this arrangement work.

Jed is doing well and his job is seemingly solid despite recent Regent position cuts. So that alone is a huge blessing. And where pay seems to be falling a bit short nowadays, God has been providing some great little opportunities for a little extra income.  What an amazing blessing that has been!  ...and hopefully will continue to be!

All that being said...

I'm not going to pretend that this month has been an easy one, though. Jed and I have both been sick from raging allergies, making morning quite an event and evenings a bit tense from exhaustion. My "high strung" emotional status hasn't been super pleasant either, I'm sure.

But still,  despite  fluctuating emotions and tiring days, we are feeling so incredibly blessed and hopeful!

I'm excited about the possibilites that await us, with my new job and new (2 bedroom) home ;)  and I'm desperately praying that God will mold me and shape me however He sees fit so I can learn to truly enjoy what he's put in front of me... right now... in this moment.

And also learn to look forward to the future with great expectations regarding God's provisions and promises!

<3 Thanks for checking in.

Love,
Lauren

Here It Goes Again

I haven’t had the words (or the internet connection) in recent days to explain what’s been happening… ha!  But here’s what’s been going on…

It’s been nearly a week since packing up our little cottage and moving to our (2 bedroom) apartment in the other side of town. Yay! It’s exciting to have extra space and the opportunity and flexibility to now be home during daytime hours… but it’s also quite different from the life I’ve become accustomed to over the last couple of years.

Last Friday night (Dave, Teresa, Jed and I) packed up our little cottage into laundry baskets and bags and loaded up a yellow Penske truck (courtesy of my parents) with furniture and household items and prepared for a rainy Saturday move.  Jed and I stayed at Dave and Teresa’s for the night, signed our lease Saturday morning, and after an angsty meltdown (on my part) we waited for the rain to subside a bit before venturing back to the apartment to unload.  Sarah and Teresa met me at our new place to help ready everything so we could start moving everything in. Sarah brought sustenance and we all grabbed cleaning supplies …and after a sweet prayer (which I desperately needed) we began to clean, line cabinets and direct traffic. 

It ended up going so quickly, I think. Thank God for amazing helpers.  They did most of the work, I think. Dave and Jed did most of the moving with some help from the Jones’ (which was so nice!)  …Meanwhile I basically stood around in a funk, just staring at everything that needed to be accomplished, completely and utterly overwhelmed. I would start doing something and stop after a couple of seconds because I got my brain stuck on something else.

I’m really glad we broke up our packing and transport with a decent night’s sleep.   Everything went so quickly!  It’s so nice to have an extra room and extra space! If I didn’t know where to put it, it just went in the guest room and I closed the door! ,,,Out of sight and out of mind. Well, sort-of. Nothing seems to be ‘out of my mind’ for very long. 

…

I have to admit though, despite our very smooth move and speedy set-up, I’m still scared senseless regarding the unknown in the coming months.  This new adventure we’ve signed up for is a bit more than I can handle at the moment. 

This is my last day at Juvenile Court, until…  well, I have absolutely no idea.  It’s unnerving to think that this could be the end of an entire chapter of my career!!! We just finished unpacking and just packed for a week long vacation again last night. Hooray!!!  With that in mind... here's some peppy 'road trip' style music for your listening pleasure...  ;)   Here It Goes Again

...And when I get back, the fun of learning a new job begins and my last paycheck rolls in! (in Oprah’s voice)  It’s BUDGET time!!!  I’m not gonna lie, It’s scary to lose an entire income.  Mind you, we chose this cut… and I’m incredibly grateful for that!  I’ve been praying that God provides opportunities for us to make some additional income so we won’t be quite so strapped to the very tight budget we have set for ourselves.  I’m hoping, and knowing, that things will fall into place just as they are supposed to (at the right time with finances) just as they did with the move and job change. 

This adventure seems a bit more like a marathon at the moment though.  So for now, at least, I still feel like I did this past weekend…  just standing around, staring at stuff, not knowing what to do next.  I feel like my brain can’t catch up this week.

Transitions seem to make me this way. Zombie Lauren. I feel super busy and bored at the exact same time. I feel disconnected from everyone because of moving to the other side of town but I also feel disconnected because I know that I desperately need some space and quiet to settle myself down. The problem is, I’m craving normalcy too, which includes church and socializing and grocery shopping and work… all of which have been ‘off kilter’ in the last couple of weeks and will be for another week or two.

Friends, please pray me through.  I have a terrible tendency to be very irritable when new things are happening. My control-freak nature definitely rears it’s ugly head and my perfectionism won’t allow me to rest my mind at all until everything is in it’s place and planned out.  …Problem!

My heart has been hurting a bit though too because, despite our wonderful extra room, I can’t help but feel as though (or wish- I guess) that we had a special little 4 month old to have in there …and it makes anxious to look at that space sometimes.  It feels empty yet cluttered with junk. I’m really am trying not to dwell on the "maybes" and "what-ifs" but alas-- I can’t get it off my mind.  And I can’t seem to say it without feeling stupid for continuing to have baby on the brain.

I am hopeful, however and I am excited for God to continue planning this adventure of ours.  Who knows, maybe in the next year or so we will be able to fill that ‘empty space’.  ;)  I can still hope, can’t I?!  But for now, a guest room and office would be super nice!  YAY!  Room for visitors!  I’m so excited!

I’m so grateful for everyone who’s been so supportive and helpful and given of their time and energy and money to help us get moved and settled in.  I can’t imagine trying to do it alone. Thank you so much!  I love you and am so grateful for you!  …and I’m so excited about what this new chapter could mean for us!

Please don’t be offended if I don’t take you up on your lovely offers to help at the moment. Frankly I don’t even know where to begin, really, but I’m hoping to have a better idea of what we need and of my schedule in the next couple of weeks. 

<3 Thanks for checking in on us,

Love, 
Lauren 

Matthew 21:21

And Jesus answered and said to them, "Truly I say to you, if you have faith, and do not doubt, you shall not only do what was done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, 'Be taken up and cast into the sea,' it shall happen.

Give Me a Sign

Shine-David Crowder
LISTEN

The story of the faithful Christian that called out to God for help during a flood has come to mind a lot in recent weeks.

Though the waters were rising, he didn’t get in the car with his neighbors when they evacuated. He didn’t leave in the canoe. He didn’t get in the police boat. He didn’t climb the latter into the helicopter or grab the hand of the rescuer who climbed down to save him. Instead he consistently said, “No thank you, God will save me.” After a while the man was swept away with the rushing waters and stood before God in Heaven. When in Heaven, the man asked, “I put all of my faith in You. Why didn’t You come and save me?”  And God said, “Son, I sent you a warning. I sent you a car. I sent you a canoe. I sent you a motorboat. I sent you a helicopter. What more were you looking for?”

There comes a point when we can't just wait for what we expect divine intervention to look like.  We have to see the signs right in front of our faces.  Whether these signs come from a pro's and con's list, a perfectly timed (and poignant) conversation, wise counsel, or unexpected (yet extraordinary) events, we have to be able to recognize them when they appear.  

But how can we possibly know (for certain) unless God gives us a verbal confirmation or a flashing billboard? 

We pray.  We pray a lot.  We ask God for guidance every step of the way. 

We apply biblical principles. Is it honest, is is good, pure, loving? Is it wise?

We seek advice from wise counsel. Those who have been there before, those who love God first and foremost and those who have out best interest in mind.

We rely on logic.  God gave us logic and thought for a reason. We crunch numbers, work out possible plans and knock on doors. The rest is up to God.  

We obey. When God closes a door, we don't tantrum outside, we wait and then knock on another.  ...and when we feel as though God is leading us in a particular direction, we step on to the stones He's provided.   

Sometimes things just fall into place and we have this amazing 'gut' feeling that things are as they should be.  We've also probably experienced that feeling of utter anxiousness at one time or another.  ...You know, the kind that leaves a knot in your stomach or keeps you up thinking at night.  
Our decision-making, at that point, often comes down to intuition (or conscience and conviction).  We weight our feelings against logic, our short-term goals against long-term goals, and we ask ourselves if the risk is really worth it? Shall we take the path of least resistance, the narrow road, or just stand still for a while longer? 

And sometimes, we simply have to learn that...

If God hasn't opened doors in a certain direction or seemed to slam a previously open door, perhaps it's because He's about to clear another path.

Decembers Prayers

I truly don't have the words to explain all the things my mind has been mulling over in recent weeks. Everything from death, to life, to mother-daughter relationships, sibling relationships, past, present, family plans, finances, friends, ministry, health, work...   So much has happened.  What a blessing-filled month. What a chaotic and heart-breaking time too.

I'm so blessed. So blessed with wonderful, wonderful friends and family.

If you think of it, though...   I would really appreciate prayer.

When my family and friends feel 'whole' and purposeful and joyful, I feel joyful.  And many of my closest friends have been really struggling lately and others are entering very hard times of adjustment.

I just wanted to request that you pray with me for a couple of people who keep coming to my mind ...and that you'd also pray for my heart to be strong and my mouth and actions, encouraging to others.

***
Jed. For his relationship with God through uncertain times with conflicting priorities.  That God will direct his path and give him clarity of mind in decision making, goal setting and planning. That he will have a good male influence that has been in a situation (in some way) similar to ours (financially) so he can gain perspective from someone other than family and his wife. For job security and hopefully a chance for pay increase (at some point) so we can plan for family.  For schooling opportunities, studying, testing, time management.  For our relationship.    ...waiting for updates ;)

Emily.  That God will orchestrate a job opportunity, housing etc... at the right time, at the right place and with the people that her heart needs. That God will give her clarity and give her the desires of her heart. 

Gila.  That God will allow her move to Nebraska to be as 'smooth' as possible.  For courage, boundaries, lots of patience and compassion when learning life in a new place with new (and very close) family.  For a new job that she enjoys. For her marriage and everything that comes with adjustment.

April.  For encouragement during very difficult, physically painful times. That God will provide outlets for her and opportunities to connect with others. That God will heal her of her pains and give the doctors wisdom and clear direction in making her well.  

Sarah. For continued peace. For strength to face the challenges to come and for lots of patience and energy to soak in time with family before change occurs.  For continued influence on the hearts of the children she teaches. They love her so much. 

Mariah.  For acceptance, love and quality time with people who encourage her.  For patience and joy through always challenging teen years.  That she seeks God and is obedient despite feelings. For the ability to be respectful, tactful and loving to those around her.  To be a good influence on her friends and be surrounded by good influences.

Sarah.  That she can keep putting one foot in front of the other as she mourns her loss. That she will continue clinging to God's promises.  And that she will have the clarity of thought and mind so that she can keep up with day to day things and continue to love on others. 

Whitney. That God gives her strength and energy to tend to her active family while her other half is away. And that she will feel loved and not lonely while her husband is away. 

LaVon. For peace and clarity and for her to make wise choices that impact her financial, relational, spiritual, emotional, mental well-being. For energy and for patience when parenting a teenager. For emotional comfort.

Elaine. For a smooth transition into a new living envoronment. That she will find emotional stability and feel secure, safe and happy in her new home. That she will still be able to enjoy 'childhood' and also adjust to the responsibilities and decisions that come with adulthood. For wisdom, peace and courage as she faces difficult people and mixed emotions.

Teresa.  For health and well-being physically as she tends to those who are sick and hurting around her.  For energy and patience as she helps with church and mothers her kids. For comfort through loss.  

Lauren.  For new babies and toddlers and the joys and challenges they bring.  For energy and understanding and peace during transitions and learning. 

Jerika.  For her pregnancy, job, finances, health and will-power in making wise choices. I'm so proud of the choices she's been making... and I pray that others will see what I do. 

Mary. That she will continue to seek God in everything she does, including friendships and relationships.  For growing pains that come with adjusting to adulthood.  For clarity of mind when making choices and planning for the future.  

For friends who have recently lost loved ones, who are in school, who are healing from emotional wounds. For daily life after tragedy. For friends who are looking for employment, who are far away from home, who are missing their loved ones and keeping things a float. For friends who selflessly serve and love others even when the feel as though they have nothing left to give. For those who are making choices regarding their futures and the lives of their little ones. For those experienceing financial troubles and job difficulties. For those who influence others on a daily basis, that they would maintain a 'right' attitude and firm standards along with compassion.  For good health and answers to ongoing medical issues. For travel and safety. For encouragement and purpose during times when nothing seems to be in focus and nothing seems to work out as planned.  For hope in times when planning can't be done.  

...There are so may blogs I'd like to post ...but these are just a few that I try to keep up with and/or people I try to keep up with regularly.

Thank you, friends.

My heart hurts for those I love ...and certainly I'm not strong enough, powerful enough or energized enough to fix the issues at hand. So instead, I simply surrender.  It's a moment by moment thought process.  Worry, fear, uncertainty, growing pains, loss, love, sickness, exhaustion, loneliness ...give it to God.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, if you are worried or heartbroken or exhausted.  You are being faithful when you  surrender it all to God.  He's got you. You may not see it yet and you probably don't 'feel' it yet.... but he's shaping your for something. He's making something lovely. So hang in there.  You are going to make it through.

I will leave you with a song that's been on my heart...
Surrender- Vineyard


-Lauren

Direction

These things consistently keep fluttering around in my brain while laying in bed, when I’m getting ready in the morning, when I drive to work, when I’m cleaning up, when I attend showers and graduations, when I think of applying for jobs or look at our student loan bills…  some of which truly weigh heavily on my heart, a some are just brief moments of question and concern. I try to keep these feelings and thoughts at bay by focusing on God’s truth, His promises, His blessings in my life and my own responsibility for keeping my emotions in check. But this has been my recent journey and conversation with God…

God,

I really feel “misled” sometimes. I say this because it’s the only way I know how to. You obviously know my flaws. You know I'm capable of being stubborn and lazy and mean at times. But you, of all people, also know how much my heart desires you. You know how much I love you and how many times, despite mental/emotional chaos, I’ve still trusted. I have security in knowing you’ll never leave me or forsake me and for that I’m so grateful. You are always ‘there’ for me (here for me) when I need you most. There are definitely days though, when despite searching and seeking and praying, I don’t feel a clear answer from you.

I also wonder why (when you have presented me with a clear answer) you can be so quick to take it away.  It hurts so badly sometimes and it makes me question, not necessarily your goodness, but your direction in my life.  More so than that, it makes me question my ability to interpret your direction. How am I to know if I’m on the right track if it feels as though the leading that I’ve been following has had less than desirable ramifications?

I think (and thought) that I've done almost everything in my power to make wise choices. I seek wise (biblical) counsel, most with differing opinions.  I’ve tried to fill my mind with your truth. I’ve talked to you consistently, gotten involved and made steps toward seemingly open doors. So, what am I missing?

Jed say’s ‘patience’
…I need to learn patience, but I know it’s much deeper than that. I’ve been very patient before. I am capable of waiting and hoping. You saw me do it for years. You know that it’s not the waiting that I’m afraid of, it's waiting that won't lead to clarity.  

I suppose that I'm supposed to stay where I am right now, until you show me otherwise.  But I’m frightened by the idea that when you finally do show me, I will love it... If I'm too comfortable or want it too much, then you’ll take it away...  and my heart will be broken, yet again.  I know it’s a ridiculous fear (so selfish and over the top perhaps) but I end up fighting that feeling all the time.

I also can’t help but feel as though I've gotten reprimanded for following what I truly thought was your direction.  Like... going to college.  A big, no huge, “step if faith” in the financial department has left us in quite a predicament. Like, working really hard and then getting physically sick and tired.  Like... finally getting position within my field and then getting sick again. I could barely focus and my hormones were out of control.  Like... having surprise positive pregnancy test and then… no baby. What does it mean? How am I supposed to feel? What conclusions should I draw?

Were those things wrong?  In those cases, was the hardship a consequence of not following your direction well enough or was it simply a test?  Was it because I wasn't thankful or excited enough?   I really thought you led me in all of those things. I really did do what I thought was best, according to the information I had.

It's hard to see your perfect timing in it all when you seem to specifically allow something, but take it away. (Even if it's just the hope of something). I know it’s not much to pay in light of the incredible blessings you give,  but even the slightest dissolution of these hopes can really begin to break down the spirit.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be ‘sure’ about decisions again, full-knowing that you’ve orchestrated it all. I felt it when meeting and marrying Jed.  I knew, without a doubt, that we were best for each other, best with each other, and that we could serve you well as a team. But God, I’m so desperate for peace now too. I’m desperate to feel hopeful and at ease with choices and/or with standing still, if that’s what you want from me.

I haven’t lost hope though, and fear hasn’t overcome me. But God, I’m having a hard time feeling at peace. I'm so anxious. I know your truth, and I do believe it.  I’ve clung tightly to your truth this long and I’m so grateful that you’ve always brought me back to you when I decided to wander.  You delivered me when things completely crumbled and I’m so grateful for the blessings you’ve given me. These ridiculous girl feelings make it hard to function sometimes though. Mental chaos isn’t very becoming for a lady following after you.  It’s not that you feel distant or uncaring, God, just vague.

Masters degrees, masters degree, new jobs, family planning,  save money, spend money, pay more, enjoy some now or always plan for later?   ...So many questions.

I really need clarity of mind and heart. I know it’s a lot to ask, and it takes a lot of work on my end... but I know you are more than capable.  I’m trusting that your plan is perfect, that you are teaching me, growing me, making me new, and whole, and lovely. I’m trusting that instead of taking a 'step of faith', that my 'lack of stepping' will prove to be most faithful in our situation. 

I think you are telling me to wait. I don't feel peaceful about spending any more money and I don'twant to make the same 'mistakes' as before (regarding loan debt).  I think you are allowing this anxiety within me in order to (subtly or maybe not so subtly) show me your timing.

Please help me know that you are concerned about the seemingly small things in my life. They compile to make quite a mess in my mind.  I know others are dealing with pain and grief and uncertainty and they desperately need you, but I need to know you are small enough to tend to my heart and big enough to tend to those I love too. Help me see the obvious and give me the clarity I'm so desperate for.

Please know that I’m so grateful. I trust you. I love you. And I’m hanging on to your every word.

<3 Me

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; Psalm 37-23
 

And the Spirit of the Lord shall rest upon him, the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord.  Isaiah 11:2

Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O Lord, and whom you teach out of your law, to give him rest from days of trouble, until a pit is dug for the wicked. For the Lord will not forsake his people; he will not abandon his heritage;  Psalm 94:12-14

 The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord. All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit. Proverbs 16:1-2

She does not ponder the path of life; her ways wander, and she does not know it. Proverbs 5:6

 The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks justice. The law of his God is in his heart; his steps do not slip. Psalm 37:30-31

Lots of Prayers

There are so many things (prayer requests and desires for my friends and family) that have been floating around in my mind and have been on my heart a lot lately... I thought I might share them.

I know that by praying constantly, I'm less likely to constantly worry.

If you really believe in the power of prayer and would like to lift these up as well, I’m sure everyone would be very appreciative!

do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7 

People to pray for:

April- as she had been struggling with some severe health issues for many years now… for comfort, ease in pain and symptoms, wisdom for the doctors, encouragement for her and her family

Lauren and her husband John as they are adjusting to a beautiful newly baby girl and a spunky toddler that has been recently diagnosed with autism… for financial peace, patience, wisdom, time management, energy and encouragement... (just some things I think they might struggle with)

Sarah and her husband, Josh and son, Micah - as they prepare to meet their little girl, Evie within the coming month and prepare to lay her to rest. Of course we’d love a miracle though.  ...For quick healing for Sarah physically after delivery, for encouragement, for emotional healing and a peace that surpasses understanding through all of this, especially during the grieving process over the next months, years…  (for Martin and Rieke families as well) 

a friend who is in a very transitional period of life… for energy, patience with the little people she teaches, for her family’s decisions and her own… that God would make the path clear for her and encourage her heart a lot along the way.

my bestie Emily, her current job hunt and other stuff...

my best friend in VA beach and her husband and her mom- as they prepare to move to another state (far away) in the next several months.  They have a lot to do with buying a house out of state, renting out their house here, packing, work, travel and stress (which is causing some heath concerns) etc... 

a friend that is healing from a break-up… and figuring out her direction in life and growing more in Christ.

a friend that is making ministry and college decisions… as her choices have an impact on future plans and goals and desires, travel, finances etc…

a friend who is in the midst of several decisions that are time sensitive… for  communications between a current employer and a possible job offer… for wisdom, clear communication, financial stability and peace in whatever decision is agreed upon  …and all the other things that a new job and potential move could bring.

a friend and her husband who are preparing to meet their first little one in a short few of months

a friend who is grieving the loss of a friend, battling lots of emotion and for her boyfriend who is grieving his loss as well.

friends who are holding down the fort while their loved ones are deployed.

friends who recently lost a new family addition and are processing through those emotions.

my Mom as she is trying to make ends meet and has been taking on the difficult job of taking care of someone with Alzheimer’s.

my Dad and Julie as he is working a lot of hours and as they are caring for and making decisions for an aging parent. 

my Sister as she has now entered the world of High School!  …and some unspoken requests that a big sister has for her baby sister.

our church family …as things have been softened and strengthened over the last couple of years... and for the people who consistently 'make it all happen'   …for energy, passion, strength, grace, perspective, truth…

our iD group... as we are all, at this time of life, kind of living in 'limbo'. We are just trying to prioritize and be the best example we can for Christ (wherever we are and in all that we are doing at the moment).

friends who are finishing up high school and making college plans

friends who are healing from break-ups 

friends who are working through their college course work while working full-time

friends who are making decisions regarding their careers and where they are going to plant roots in the near future

friends who are dealing with tough work environments, crazy co-workers or bosses, crazy hours

friends who are looking for employment

friends who have recently gotten engaged and are in the midst of wedding planning, and future planning as a couple

friends who are struggle with health issues and are seeking healing and answers

Phew!!!

There seems to be so much going on in the fall in particular... with a new year of schooling, new jobs openings after the new fiscal year, deployments, new babies, losses, holidays and family gatherings.  Most good things even come with a good bit of stress…  so I just thought I’d share what’s been on my heart recently regarding those closest to me. 

Please keep Jed and I in prayer too as we are trying to figure out whether we (both or one of us) want to go back to school and get Master’s degrees and when we should go if we decide that it’s feasible and wise.  That something changes (for the better) with pay or position that will help us (from a financial perspective) to pay off our debts and plan for future and/or better our resumes in the future…

There are so many possibilities and potential paths for us to take right now.  We need to choose what’s best overall financially, what’s best for our relationship, for our family future, for our ministry (?- whatever that is and will be) 

Ultimately our concern isn’t about the money… it’s about prioritizing.  We want to be spiritually wise but we also need to be sensitive to the world/economy we are living in too.

Thanks, all.  <3

We trust that God’s got it all under control. He knows the perfect way to answer our prayers even when we don’t know what to ask for.

Uncertainty

Uncertainty.  We’ve all dealt with it at one time or another.  Most of us are probably dealing with it right now.  Maybe we are uncertain about our future, our family, our finances. Uncertainty is one of those things in life that we generally expect but rarely know how to handle when it’s knocking at the door. Uncertainty can come in the form debt, a lost job or lessening work load, a new family addition, a strained relationship, the loss of a loved one, a new home, a changed plan, a new career, a sickness, weakness or a worsening economy.

Jed and I definitely know what it’s like to feel uncertain about our future. Every time something changes or we stay ‘stuck’, it feels as though a little bit of hope is ripped away.  We try to persevere despite being discouraged and we look for opportunities to aid us in our future. But I have to say that when one of our "open door" opportunities is slammed in our face, it hurts.  In fact, I think I'd rather have my fingers slammed inside of a doorframe than have that spark of hope distinguished. 

Last night, after finding out that our most recent hope of getting our loan payments reduced to a manageable amount (that would potentially provide us the ability to have a rent or mortgage payment, save for a down payment and hopefully eventually plan for a family) was no longer an option...  I had a brief mental meltdown.  I checked and rechecked, hoping I'd find something different. I dervished around the house for a few minutes and then, as soon as Jed hugged me (hugs are my kryptonite), I wept like a baby.  

Our conversation went something like this:

Lauren- *sobbing*

Jed- I know, babe.

Lauren- I'm just so *insert gasp for air* ...disappointed.

Jed- I know.  We just have to wait longer.  We just have to keep doing what we're doing.

Lauren- *tears*

Jed- Maybe God wants us to be a plate. 

Lauren-*insert wail to wake the neighbors*  ...but… I don't want to be a plate. *gasp* I'm in a china cabinet full of bowls.  I want to be a bowl too.

Jed- I know babe, I know. 

**This conversation may not make much sense to you but it was based on our, almost irritatingly applicable, sunday school message from that morning.  The topic was about the Potter and His clay. 

Being moldable isn't easy. 

Giving up the hope of being a bowl (if God wants you to be a plate) is almost unbearable at times. But I can honestly say that I believe that God is more than capable. He is good, giving, gracious, powerful, merciful, wonderful and loving. I also know that God is capable of working things out in ways we never could have imagined.  I’ve seen God's provision. I've heard of overwhelming peace and comfort during the hardest times and I’ve witnessed the power of prayer. I trust that he not only has the power to change our circumstances but he also has the power to change our hearts (if we let him).  I'm trusting that he can help me feel peaceful, content, hopeful, confident and loved.

In those moments when that last spark of hope seems to be distinguished, I have to realize that even if everything else goes awry, even if my life (as I know it - on earth) completely falls apart, even if my finances fail or my family is taken away, I have something wonderful to look forward to. There is something even more wonderful than the desires that I have for my future.  I have something even more worthwhile than family and friends, careers and money, church activities and service. 

I have hope in eternity. I hold tight to the promise that by being faithful on earth, I am storing up treasures in heaven. And though sometimes our hearts can’t fully comprehend the suffering, disappointment and uncertainties of life, it is comforting to know that our hearts can’t fully comprehend God's eternal goodness either.

Maybe with continued patience and perseverance, God will choose to bless us on earth in the way that we most desire... but maybe he will mold us into something new. I'm sure that if He does, He will certainly teach us to be the best darn plate anyone's ever seen! ;)   

My prayer is that God will continue to mold Jed and I together, keep us strong and bonded together, keep us pliable enough to accept his shaping and ultimately be strong enough to be used in whatever way He most desires.

Uncertainty is everywhere and it can be difficult to remain faithful but perhaps this mucky muddle we're in is really just the start of something beyond our understanding. Maybe it's something beautiful that's just taking shape. I'm going to choose to believe that it is.