What Heaven Looks Like

I have a slight "obsession" (lets say) with sunshine through the clouds. One of my most favorite things about creation is how absolutely breathtaking the sunshine can be when peeking through the clouds.  --  I think to myself, every single time, “I bet this is what heaven looks like.”

Last night while walking with my husband, after eating an oreo mcflurry of deliciousness, Jed drew my attention to the gorgeousness behind us as we were walking down the beach towards our house.  

We stopped on a dune to try and capture the loveliness in pictures and enjoy it before the sun became faint.  I remember briefly thinking, "Wow, I never notice how wonderful the sunshine is until it's beaming through dark clouds."  

--and it hit me --  isn't that so true? 

I felt so content in that moment, so joyful and so grateful for this "little" gift. God knows how much I adore sunrise and sunset.  

That little 'glimpse of heaven' makes my heart feel light and hopeful, even when my emotions are running wild – even through tough times and disappointments. When I see something like this, I want to praise God for how incredible He is.  How could that kind of beauty be an accident? 

And it reminds me, every time, how much I am loved, how beautiful our God is and how excited I am to, one day, be in the most breath-taking place with my Savior. 

--If that moment had a soundtrack, this song would be playing.  

How Great is Our God -Chris Tomlin

Seeing the Shore

I came across this today while looking for some music to lift my spirits. (It's worth watching)  :)



My heart has been so heavy (over the past several weeks) for some of my closest friends. It's been difficult  to watch people I love so deeply struggle so much.

I know that I haven't been the best encourager as I've recently felt it difficult to hold my own head above water.

My encouragement attemps usually consist of hugging, listening, nodding and  attempting to interject something of value.  Something like, " just keep swimming"... "I know this is not easy and honestly, it may not get much easier... but it's going to be worth it."

I often feel like a broken record when attempting to communicate something meaningful- since most of my days are spent trying to convince myself of the same 'meaningful' thing.

When bad things happen, when I'm anxious, and tired, and want to knock someone's block off...
When things are unclear and I can't see past the thick fog... I just keep telling myself:

Pray, Pray, Pray.
-Ask for anxieties to be calmed.
-Ask the Lord for wisdom and for encouragment.
-Ask for joy.
-Ask for protection and provision.
-Ask for peace that passes my own understanding.
-Ask for grace.
-Ask for clarity.
-Ask for a thankful heart.

Knock on doors.
Wait to see if they will open and see what happens next.
-That's really all we can do, right?

Rest.
Regroup.
Refill.
Take some time to be quiet, spend time with God and spend time relaxing or having fun with 'comfortable' people who uplift and encourage.

Oh, and...
Sing a peppy song.
They always help to make this heavy heart feel a bit lighter.



It's so incredibly difficult in times of high anxiety and uncertainty to find a true sense of peace and joy.
...and I think that this phase of life in particular tends to make everything a bit "foggy".

It's hard to see the shore. It's hard to trust in the end result.  It's hard to keep going despite feeling so far from home, so far from certainty and comfort, and so exhausted from pressing forward.
But we do.

And God is pleased.

That is success.  Simply making it to the shore.   -Whether swimming, floating, boating or nearly drowing on the way.

We pray through it, work through it and we do our very best.

Well Done- Moriah Peters

Letting Go and Letting God

Lord, I Need You

Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay

--An excellent and powerful reminder for days when you feel like praising
... and for days when your heart feels like a concrete in your chest.

All you can do is release control, aknowledge God's goodness, grace, power, and protection
...pray for peace and wisdom, and consistently remind your mind to have Faith in the Lord's promises.

I often need a daily reminder to release control.
Songs of praise and surrender have this incredible way of calming my anxiety and chipping away at the heavy heart within me.

I hope this song can be the song of your heart today (and everyday) too.
<3

Promise and Purpose for the New Year

Promises for 2013...and always:

Things to Remember this year:

 

Be Grateful:

Be Content:

Be Courageous:

Be Careful:

Be Moldable:

Be Constant in Prayer:

Be Hopeful: 

Be Kind: 

 

Be Realistic:

...Only Jesus can save. 

Be Patient: 

Don't Be Angry: 

Forgive:

 

Don't Compare:

Look Forward:

The new year typically ushers in many 'resolutions'...

New diet plans, work-out routines, new promises, new desires and plenty of hope for new beginnings...

but how many times do we actually follow through? 

How many resolutions die off after a few weeks or months? 

How many things do we start and fail to finish well?

This year, I don't chose 'resolution',

I choose 'revolution'

Revolution in my own life.  

I'm not simply deciding;  I am going to act.  

This not an addition to my daily routine.  It's a replacement of my daily routine.  

It's surrender.

I'm overthrowing anger and bitterness, mistrust, jealousy and fear.

I am going to seek God's face.  (only His face)

I am going to meditate on truth.

I am going to be constant in prayer.

... on a moment by moment basis.

I know that I'm not strong enough, brave enough, or motivated enough on my own... and I know I will fail at times.... but I surrender to what God has for me this year.  It may not be what I want now, it may not be what I think is best,  easiest, or the most 'glamourous'...  

But I'm going to chose to believe that God has me right where he wants me.

I'm going to choose to believe, once again, that God will give my the deepest desires of my heart if I delight myself in him.  I'm going to believe that God sees the unseen and that's good enough for me.

I'm going to believe the best about people.  I'm going to love. I'm going to forgive. I'm going to be glad for others and I'm not going to allow jealousy to creep in and steal my joy.  

I'm going to trade in anger for tears, if that's what it takes. 

I'm going trust that something beautiful is coming.

I'm going to talk to myself like God would talk to me.  

I'm going to assume that others aren't judging me as harshly as I judge myself.

I'm going to take time to be still.

I'm going to be hopeful.  

What's your New Year's Revolution?

Still

The Still After the Storm

When things have settled down dramatically...
but your heart is still hurting...

and you feel:
fragile
lonely
empty
and
exhausted

Be Still.  

be weak. be silent. be alone.

relax
rest
be calm
...just float.

Rest in theOne who will always be.

Just listen.

Be Still- The Fray

Decembers Prayers

I truly don't have the words to explain all the things my mind has been mulling over in recent weeks. Everything from death, to life, to mother-daughter relationships, sibling relationships, past, present, family plans, finances, friends, ministry, health, work...   So much has happened.  What a blessing-filled month. What a chaotic and heart-breaking time too.

I'm so blessed. So blessed with wonderful, wonderful friends and family.

If you think of it, though...   I would really appreciate prayer.

When my family and friends feel 'whole' and purposeful and joyful, I feel joyful.  And many of my closest friends have been really struggling lately and others are entering very hard times of adjustment.

I just wanted to request that you pray with me for a couple of people who keep coming to my mind ...and that you'd also pray for my heart to be strong and my mouth and actions, encouraging to others.

***
Jed. For his relationship with God through uncertain times with conflicting priorities.  That God will direct his path and give him clarity of mind in decision making, goal setting and planning. That he will have a good male influence that has been in a situation (in some way) similar to ours (financially) so he can gain perspective from someone other than family and his wife. For job security and hopefully a chance for pay increase (at some point) so we can plan for family.  For schooling opportunities, studying, testing, time management.  For our relationship.    ...waiting for updates ;)

Emily.  That God will orchestrate a job opportunity, housing etc... at the right time, at the right place and with the people that her heart needs. That God will give her clarity and give her the desires of her heart. 

Gila.  That God will allow her move to Nebraska to be as 'smooth' as possible.  For courage, boundaries, lots of patience and compassion when learning life in a new place with new (and very close) family.  For a new job that she enjoys. For her marriage and everything that comes with adjustment.

April.  For encouragement during very difficult, physically painful times. That God will provide outlets for her and opportunities to connect with others. That God will heal her of her pains and give the doctors wisdom and clear direction in making her well.  

Sarah. For continued peace. For strength to face the challenges to come and for lots of patience and energy to soak in time with family before change occurs.  For continued influence on the hearts of the children she teaches. They love her so much. 

Mariah.  For acceptance, love and quality time with people who encourage her.  For patience and joy through always challenging teen years.  That she seeks God and is obedient despite feelings. For the ability to be respectful, tactful and loving to those around her.  To be a good influence on her friends and be surrounded by good influences.

Sarah.  That she can keep putting one foot in front of the other as she mourns her loss. That she will continue clinging to God's promises.  And that she will have the clarity of thought and mind so that she can keep up with day to day things and continue to love on others. 

Whitney. That God gives her strength and energy to tend to her active family while her other half is away. And that she will feel loved and not lonely while her husband is away. 

LaVon. For peace and clarity and for her to make wise choices that impact her financial, relational, spiritual, emotional, mental well-being. For energy and for patience when parenting a teenager. For emotional comfort.

Elaine. For a smooth transition into a new living envoronment. That she will find emotional stability and feel secure, safe and happy in her new home. That she will still be able to enjoy 'childhood' and also adjust to the responsibilities and decisions that come with adulthood. For wisdom, peace and courage as she faces difficult people and mixed emotions.

Teresa.  For health and well-being physically as she tends to those who are sick and hurting around her.  For energy and patience as she helps with church and mothers her kids. For comfort through loss.  

Lauren.  For new babies and toddlers and the joys and challenges they bring.  For energy and understanding and peace during transitions and learning. 

Jerika.  For her pregnancy, job, finances, health and will-power in making wise choices. I'm so proud of the choices she's been making... and I pray that others will see what I do. 

Mary. That she will continue to seek God in everything she does, including friendships and relationships.  For growing pains that come with adjusting to adulthood.  For clarity of mind when making choices and planning for the future.  

For friends who have recently lost loved ones, who are in school, who are healing from emotional wounds. For daily life after tragedy. For friends who are looking for employment, who are far away from home, who are missing their loved ones and keeping things a float. For friends who selflessly serve and love others even when the feel as though they have nothing left to give. For those who are making choices regarding their futures and the lives of their little ones. For those experienceing financial troubles and job difficulties. For those who influence others on a daily basis, that they would maintain a 'right' attitude and firm standards along with compassion.  For good health and answers to ongoing medical issues. For travel and safety. For encouragement and purpose during times when nothing seems to be in focus and nothing seems to work out as planned.  For hope in times when planning can't be done.  

...There are so may blogs I'd like to post ...but these are just a few that I try to keep up with and/or people I try to keep up with regularly.

Thank you, friends.

My heart hurts for those I love ...and certainly I'm not strong enough, powerful enough or energized enough to fix the issues at hand. So instead, I simply surrender.  It's a moment by moment thought process.  Worry, fear, uncertainty, growing pains, loss, love, sickness, exhaustion, loneliness ...give it to God.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, if you are worried or heartbroken or exhausted.  You are being faithful when you  surrender it all to God.  He's got you. You may not see it yet and you probably don't 'feel' it yet.... but he's shaping your for something. He's making something lovely. So hang in there.  You are going to make it through.

I will leave you with a song that's been on my heart...
Surrender- Vineyard


-Lauren

Direction

These things consistently keep fluttering around in my brain while laying in bed, when I’m getting ready in the morning, when I drive to work, when I’m cleaning up, when I attend showers and graduations, when I think of applying for jobs or look at our student loan bills…  some of which truly weigh heavily on my heart, a some are just brief moments of question and concern. I try to keep these feelings and thoughts at bay by focusing on God’s truth, His promises, His blessings in my life and my own responsibility for keeping my emotions in check. But this has been my recent journey and conversation with God…

God,

I really feel “misled” sometimes. I say this because it’s the only way I know how to. You obviously know my flaws. You know I'm capable of being stubborn and lazy and mean at times. But you, of all people, also know how much my heart desires you. You know how much I love you and how many times, despite mental/emotional chaos, I’ve still trusted. I have security in knowing you’ll never leave me or forsake me and for that I’m so grateful. You are always ‘there’ for me (here for me) when I need you most. There are definitely days though, when despite searching and seeking and praying, I don’t feel a clear answer from you.

I also wonder why (when you have presented me with a clear answer) you can be so quick to take it away.  It hurts so badly sometimes and it makes me question, not necessarily your goodness, but your direction in my life.  More so than that, it makes me question my ability to interpret your direction. How am I to know if I’m on the right track if it feels as though the leading that I’ve been following has had less than desirable ramifications?

I think (and thought) that I've done almost everything in my power to make wise choices. I seek wise (biblical) counsel, most with differing opinions.  I’ve tried to fill my mind with your truth. I’ve talked to you consistently, gotten involved and made steps toward seemingly open doors. So, what am I missing?

Jed say’s ‘patience’
…I need to learn patience, but I know it’s much deeper than that. I’ve been very patient before. I am capable of waiting and hoping. You saw me do it for years. You know that it’s not the waiting that I’m afraid of, it's waiting that won't lead to clarity.  

I suppose that I'm supposed to stay where I am right now, until you show me otherwise.  But I’m frightened by the idea that when you finally do show me, I will love it... If I'm too comfortable or want it too much, then you’ll take it away...  and my heart will be broken, yet again.  I know it’s a ridiculous fear (so selfish and over the top perhaps) but I end up fighting that feeling all the time.

I also can’t help but feel as though I've gotten reprimanded for following what I truly thought was your direction.  Like... going to college.  A big, no huge, “step if faith” in the financial department has left us in quite a predicament. Like, working really hard and then getting physically sick and tired.  Like... finally getting position within my field and then getting sick again. I could barely focus and my hormones were out of control.  Like... having surprise positive pregnancy test and then… no baby. What does it mean? How am I supposed to feel? What conclusions should I draw?

Were those things wrong?  In those cases, was the hardship a consequence of not following your direction well enough or was it simply a test?  Was it because I wasn't thankful or excited enough?   I really thought you led me in all of those things. I really did do what I thought was best, according to the information I had.

It's hard to see your perfect timing in it all when you seem to specifically allow something, but take it away. (Even if it's just the hope of something). I know it’s not much to pay in light of the incredible blessings you give,  but even the slightest dissolution of these hopes can really begin to break down the spirit.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be ‘sure’ about decisions again, full-knowing that you’ve orchestrated it all. I felt it when meeting and marrying Jed.  I knew, without a doubt, that we were best for each other, best with each other, and that we could serve you well as a team. But God, I’m so desperate for peace now too. I’m desperate to feel hopeful and at ease with choices and/or with standing still, if that’s what you want from me.

I haven’t lost hope though, and fear hasn’t overcome me. But God, I’m having a hard time feeling at peace. I'm so anxious. I know your truth, and I do believe it.  I’ve clung tightly to your truth this long and I’m so grateful that you’ve always brought me back to you when I decided to wander.  You delivered me when things completely crumbled and I’m so grateful for the blessings you’ve given me. These ridiculous girl feelings make it hard to function sometimes though. Mental chaos isn’t very becoming for a lady following after you.  It’s not that you feel distant or uncaring, God, just vague.

Masters degrees, masters degree, new jobs, family planning,  save money, spend money, pay more, enjoy some now or always plan for later?   ...So many questions.

I really need clarity of mind and heart. I know it’s a lot to ask, and it takes a lot of work on my end... but I know you are more than capable.  I’m trusting that your plan is perfect, that you are teaching me, growing me, making me new, and whole, and lovely. I’m trusting that instead of taking a 'step of faith', that my 'lack of stepping' will prove to be most faithful in our situation. 

I think you are telling me to wait. I don't feel peaceful about spending any more money and I don'twant to make the same 'mistakes' as before (regarding loan debt).  I think you are allowing this anxiety within me in order to (subtly or maybe not so subtly) show me your timing.

Please help me know that you are concerned about the seemingly small things in my life. They compile to make quite a mess in my mind.  I know others are dealing with pain and grief and uncertainty and they desperately need you, but I need to know you are small enough to tend to my heart and big enough to tend to those I love too. Help me see the obvious and give me the clarity I'm so desperate for.

Please know that I’m so grateful. I trust you. I love you. And I’m hanging on to your every word.

<3 Me

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; Psalm 37-23
 

And the Spirit of the Lord shall rest upon him, the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord.  Isaiah 11:2

Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O Lord, and whom you teach out of your law, to give him rest from days of trouble, until a pit is dug for the wicked. For the Lord will not forsake his people; he will not abandon his heritage;  Psalm 94:12-14

 The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord. All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit. Proverbs 16:1-2

She does not ponder the path of life; her ways wander, and she does not know it. Proverbs 5:6

 The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks justice. The law of his God is in his heart; his steps do not slip. Psalm 37:30-31

Results of "Weeding the Gardens"

I've been relaxing today, just thinking about the past year and reflecting on what all has happened in my own heart and mind.  I decided to look into my journalings ... and stumbled upon this article that I posted in November of last year on my "mind the little foxes" blog (One of those "articles" again, you know how much I love them ;) ).  

I am finding it truly amazing how much God has been subtly answering my prayers requests from a year ago until now. He's been very gentle about helping me find truth and acceptance... which, despite my disinterest in being patient and waiting for answers, is perfect for me.  God must know me well.  ;)  He is letting me process things a little bit at a time.  He has given me some space and time to sort through things, he's allowed me to have some meaningful conversations with people I have met, people I admire, even people that I don't want to be like (if that makes sense) in order to better understand myself and his desires and will for me and my Christian walk.

I kind of relate my answered prayers (and timing) to watching a child grow up.  You know how you're always amazed/shocked at how much someone has grown or changed if you don't see them on a regular basis ... but when you see them daily/weekly, it's just normal?   Well, I think that's kind of like my prayer life with God in the emotional sense.

I haven't really had any shocking, "ah-ha!" moments.  Nor have I had any real instances of feeling like "Blam, that was God's hand" in my life.  Mostly I've felt like I've been floating along ... talking to God, voicing my concerns, but not really knowing exactly how to fix the problem and hurts in my heart.  I didn't even really know what to pray for.  I've been slightly 'jealous' (lets say) about the "clarity" some consistently have  and the overwhelming answers to prayers that have been going on around me ... and was trying to think about how/if God has been answering me... like that. 

And all of a sudden, “Blam!” God’s answer became apparent...

***

Lauren,

#1. Remember, it’s not your job to “fix” everything.  You asked me to help you. You asked me to change your mind and to change your heart... and that’s what I’ve been doing.

#2. I know you much better than you even know yourself. My ways are perfect.  And by perfect I mean, I know exactly what you need... even down to the timing and way that your heart and emotions are affected. 

#3. I placed people in your life when you were ready to listen and ready to heal.

#4. I gave specific people (and their wisdom) when you needed to connect ...and  opportunities to serve when you needed that too.

#5. I know that you don’t like dramatic change.  Clearly.  Even you know that. So I didn’t throw one big thing at you or try to change your mind and heart in one day.  I let you process and sort through it all. Sometimes it was quiet and calm, sometimes it was chaotic.

#6. When you pleaded with me about certain things, I knew when your heart was serious about not being able to function at your workplace etc … and I helped orchestrate a change.  A great change.  …and I’m still working.

#7. ...also, in case you hadn't noticed, I allowed you to be in an environment like that, because it inspired the kind of feelings (that before) you would have brushed under the rug or run away from. You didn't want to deal with them before and some you didn't even really know about until they to boiled to the surface again.  I want you to be healthy and stable and able to love me and serve me in to the very best of your ability. 

#8. Your vulnerability and challenges have allowed me to plant seeds, ideas, passions within you…

#9. I have given you time and space so that my truth has a good chance to sink in.  And just as it took several years of negative to make an impression, it takes time to learn and heal now too. 

#10. Your challenges and search for truth, have (perhaps) allowed opportunity for others search too, pray too.

***

 

For Reference:
This is what I was struggling with, wrote about, was praying about and working towards a year ago.... regarding some of my issues with rejection and identity. 

November 2012

This is NOT my writing... but certainly my thoughts. Among several other related topics, this particular one has been weighing on my mind and heart a LOT lately.  I keep falling into the same cycle of feeling just like most of this post describes.  It's certainly a hard mindset /stronghold to break and honestly I'm not doing so well.... but with prayer and willingness on my part... I'm truly hoping that God's truth will free me from this.  

I really need to be fed truth ...and mostly be willing to accept the truth for what it is, solid and unfailing, not manipulated or exaggerated.  God is not PEOPLE. People fail. I fail, and they most likely have failed for the same reasons I am right now.  But the difference, perhaps, is that I'm willing and really desiring a solution, a surrender, a change in thought and heart and action. 

I've got to start somewhere.  Getting to the root is the hardest part.  But I'm weeding the gardens now and trying to let the beautiful things bloom.  I'm quite tired of the lovely things being suffocated by all the ugly.     

Step 1: PRAYER, and lots of it.

Step 2: Focusing on the truth. (not the world's 'truth but God's ACTUAL, SOLID, ETERNAL TRUTH)

Step 3: Thanking God for EVERYTHING.  ...and I mean EVERYTHING.  My chai latte, my quiet time, my job (even the stress that comes with it- because I'm growing- slowly but surely (I'm holding on to that)). My housing, my shower, my truly wonderful husband, my limbs, my brain power, my non-dirt floors, my car, gas, bedding... even maybe my past.  Perhaps I could even be truly grateful for that too ;)

Step 4: Forgiving. Forgiving the details.  Laying it down, once and for all.  Think about the root of the anger, bitterness, hurt, anxiety, perfectionism etc...   Who, when, what.... and then think about how I don't DESERVE forgiveness either.  And finally LET IT GO once and for all. 

Step 5: Putting in GOOD and throwing out the bad. What goes in must come out. So, I'd better get cracking on the 'filling up with good' part of this objective ...cause God knows, there is a lot of bad to be bombarded with quite regularly.  (But again, much more good to be seen than just at first glance or first instinct.)

Step 6: Changing my 'mode' of dealing. I've kind of been trained/trained myself (now that I'm older) to fight hard or let go completely.  But mostly, a middle ground is the answer... and it seems as though I've got the two extremes flipped around a bit. So... working on that too.

WHEW. Alright then. I could use a small army of prayer warriors if you'd be gracious enough to think of me when you're talking to God. :)    

Thanks to everyone who has prayed for me.  I am far from "whole" but honestly, I've felt much different over the last few months and I've had a different sense of peace. I think that perhaps... much of the truth I've been engulfed in... is finally sinking in, at least a little.  :) If nothing else, there is hope in that. And hope is really, all I need in order to feel like something is tackle-able. So thank you and please keep praying (as this stuff is a daily battle of heart and mind).  ...and probably a daily battle for many people you know and meet.

<3

Overwhelmed

On a more serious note...

A lot has happened over the last few days. It feels like we've all been trapped in this whirlwind of dark weirdness.  So much in such short period of time and I haven't really had any time or energy to sit down and think about it, let alone put any of it in words.  I don't know about you but writing helps me process through all the emotions I have rolling around in my head and the unrest in my heart.

It's truly been a week of the most bizarre mix of emotions I've (maybe ever) experienced.

Overwhelmed.

For a few days there, the only thing I could express to people who asked how I was was...
 "too much"

I'm not a big fan of losing.
I don't like failure, I don't like losing control, I don't like crying, I don't like losing someone I love. I don't like having my hopes crushed by harsh reality. And I absolutely hate when the people that I love are hurting so deeply!  It's just hard. It's hard to process so many emotions at once, especially when those emotions are conflicting. It's hard not being able to 'fix it '...or having appropriate words to comfort with.  It's hard when something so precious is taken away.

It's hard.  It's so hard, in fact, that sometimes tears won't even come. It's like mental war.  No tears, just anxiety. Somewhere along the line, my defense mechanism changed from tears to...  nothing.  When I'm truly overwhelmed, I feel, nothing.

...But things have boiled over in the last couple of days that I didn't even realize were an issue.  Everything from jealousy to grief.  This whirling dervish of emotion includes things like:

Fear. Fear about things I didn't even know I could be scared of  like meeting and then losing a child.  I've definitely thought about things like miscarriage, being child-less, fostering children (and them having to go back home), but never this.

Aggravation with God's 'Justness'... especially when I see such dysfunctional families on a daily basis and then I see loving parents losing children.

Difficult memories surrounding many near-death experiences with my mom, hospitals, surgeries etc. Hospitals instantly make me anxious. Even when going to meet Evie, I was so anxious as soon as we pulled into the hospital.

Memories regarding family and holidays that changed because of death or missing people.

Memories of people I loved choosing to walk away or dying.

No matter the situation, the person, the issue... I was powerless. I couldn't make them stay. I couldn't make them love me, choose me.  I couldn't make their hurt go away.  I couldn't control death. All I could do is watch and hope.  Again and again, the things I prayed for and wanted came and went. But I always had hope that things would get better, that people would come around, that family would come, that Jesus was caring for the family I lost.

...but, I guess, at some point I stopped believing that hope was around the corner. I learned to expect disappointment.  I realized that by being a "realist",  blows of disappointment could be temporarily lessened. And that 'simple' change in thinking is still haunting me to this day.

At some point, controlling the tears in order to be strong for my mom or for my sister, changed into resentment, anger, frustration.  I then decided that I had to learn to control, not only the tears, but the emotions themselves.  I thought I was "guarding my heart".  The only way I knew how to do that was to push those emotions down deep and cover them up with anger. Afterall, when I was angry, I didn't hurt anymore.

I guess in a way, I'm kind of like a recovering addict.  I've been trying to change my entire way of thinking. The way I've been taught to, and consistently have processed life's hardships isn't applicable anymore. It isn't good for me, it isn't good for my marriage, for my family, our family.

For the last several months, and for this week in particular, I've been trying desperately to cling to the good. I've been trying to give the anger and frustration, jealousy, hurt, powerlessness, anxiety to God. And I've been fighting hard to suppress the anger and then fighting against the 'numbness' that a lack of anger seems to leave me with.  And fighting is hard.

It's hard to watch family walk through such difficult times.  And oddly enough, it's hard to see family pull together, be together, cry for each other, stay with each other, take care of each other (like our family does).  It's really hard to watch family love like they are supposed to. Weird, I know.  I sound like a lunatic.

But if you see me, and I'm quiet, it's probably because I'm processing.  Please don't think I'm heartless or disinterested, that couldn't be further from the truth.

Please, if you think of it, pray for me.  Pray that my heart and mind will match someday soon. Pray that the good stuff won't be so difficult to process emotionally and that I will be better equipped to sift through disappointments and surrender them to God. Loving is risky. There's so much to lose but there's also so much to gain. I'm clinging to the promises that God has given me ...and my family.

I'm so proud of Josh and Sarah for the incredible way they've handled themselves through everything. I'm particularly amazed with Sarah's ability to feel, and love, and hope despite their circumstances right now. I love you all so very much and I wish I could take your pain away. But I know that my best tool at the moment is prayer. I hope you feel them and know that you are cherished. <3

Never Far

What Love Really Means -JJ Heller

Click to Listen

...
Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said, 

"I know you've murdered 
and I know you've lied
and I've watched you suffer all of your life
and now that you'll listen 
I'll, I'll tell you that I..."

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew

This song gets me every time I hear it.  It doesn't matter how dysfunctional, corrupt or desperate we are, God still loves us.  Period. We can always find comfort in knowing we are never far from Him and that in our darkest time, despite our mistakes, our choices and our past, when we turn to Him, He won't turn away.

 <3 I'm so grateful for such a loving Father.