Little Notes for Little Eli -Part 5

5/13
Baby Boy,

We are getting the best, cutest, most fantastic stuff!  
You now have a sweet little bed courtesy of all your wonderful grandparents (Mama, Papa, Granny, Grandaddy and Nana!)... a happy little elephant friend (thanks Mama), cute clothes from your Aunts and other "Aunts".  You are one loved little dude!

You are going to be well-rested AND super stylish ;)

Love you,
Mom

------
5/14
Wild-Child,

Daddy felt you moving around last night! You have been quite busy rolling around and stretching I'm guessing because I'll feel you on one side and another at the same time.  It's really quite funny. The sensation is pretty awesome -although I do feel a little like I belong in a sci-fi movie some days. ;)
It's extra cool though to feel you on the outside.  For a few days I would think I could feel you on the outside of my belly but just wasn't sure if it was just my mind playing tricks on me, since I could feel you inside too.  But alas, I told your dad to just rest his hand for a minute and sure enough you were busy enough to punch him a few times.

Loving the constant reminder that you are with me,
Mom

------
5/16
Little Mister,

We didn't have to go to work today!  We really love having a day off, with no commitments sometimes!

The sweetest thing happened this morning. Every morning before your daddy leaves for work, he wakes me up with kisses and we share a quick- "I love you... Have a good day" and he's off to work. This morning, he kissed me, and he kissed you and told you that he loves you too. You rolled around twice and then back to sleep you went.
I just can't wait to see you in his new daddy arms, Eli.  He has already fallen head over heels for you, little guy. I can only imagine how great you both will be together once you are here! <3
So looking forward to September!

<3 Mommy

------
5/19
Precious Resident,

I hope you are enjoying your spacious living quarters for now. Your neighbors have been concerned about your constant late night activities, however. Could try and keep the stomach punching to a minimum between the hours of 10 pm and 7 am?  I know you enjoy practicing your martial arts, but momma's left side is beginning to feel bruised from all the action.

 <3 Your Loving Landlord

------
5/20

------
5/25
Little man,
What a weekend we had!

Your Aunt Sarah headed up hosting and planning a special shower to celebrate you this Saturday. It was beautiful, and sweet, and oh-so-classy.  There were adorable decorations, a photo wall with fun props, tables with lovely centerpieces, clever games, a mashed potato bar, tasty snacks and an amazing strawberry shortcake flavored elephant cake. Deeeeelicious! 

Our family and friends (Nana, Aunt Mariah, Grandma, Granny, Grandaddy, Grammy, Aunt Emily and Aunt Kristen and Uncle Jason) drove from out of state to visit with us, battling Memorial day traffic and eager ticket-giving police officers along the way.  ;)

So many of our wonderful friends and family decorated and crafted, spent time celebrating with smiles and good food, game-played and gift-gave, sent cards and packages and made our weekend super special!  We got some of the cutest and best gifts imaginable too! I just can't wait to wrap you in soft blankets, dress you up in cute outfits, diaper you, feed you, give you baths, read books, take you on car rides and walks, and watch you play.

We are very loved, Eli. Can you feel it?
You are going to love our Avalon family and your out-of-town family too!

<3
Mommy
 
------
5/26
Sweet Boy,

We spent a bit of time in the hospital early in this morning. Momma wasn't feeling so fantastic all evening, with some pretty solid back pain and cramps, so I finally gave in and called the doctor. She told me to come right in to be checked out at labor and delivery. Thankfully you seem to be quite okay and bumping around like crazy in there. Despite some steady contractions (maybe caused by dehydration and a "super-sensitive uterus" -according to the Doctor) nothing progressed past discomfort and you seem to be safe and sound for now. Thank the Lord!

--You need to bake quite a bit longer, so Daddy and I were quite relieved to hear that you weren't on your way yet!  We love you lots and are excited to meet you... but don't want you to make an appearance for quite a while, okay?

Love Always,
Mom and Dad

------
5/27
Just you, me, and Maestro.

------
6/1
Little Lounger,
 
Firstly, we did it!  We passed our RAM exam!  What a relief. Great job, Baby.  Thanks for not making Momma's brain go too fuzzy during classes.

Also, we have been spending a lot of time in bed over the last few days. We go to work, come home, lay down (or make a nest on the couch), try to eat something, drink masses of water, and just hang out.

We've watched a lot of movies, and gotten our fill of the Big Bang theory and Law and Order and all sorts of other ridiculous TV shows.  We have also been crafting up a storm! We have this system worked out.  I pick something up, ask you a question like, "Eli, should we use this scrapbook paper or try another one? -- Kick once for yes and twice for no." You tend to be pretty decisive but sometimes our system gets a bit messed up when you are busy practicing Karate ...or maybe you are just tired of all the questions?

Thanks for relaxing with me,
Mom

------
6/3
Eli,

We had an important appointment today. We needed to make sure that my recent discomforts were not hurting you or causing you to come too early. God certainly answered our prayers.  We had a very kind and understanding doctor that helped put our mind at ease. She explained a lot of things, took the time to listen to our concerns, and even explained some of her own experiences with pregnancy which, in a lot of ways, mirrored my own.

We still have to be very, very, careful... drink water like a fish and rest all the time to keep things at bay ...but I have faith that we will make it, kid! You are totally worth it.

^^I feel like we grew a lot this past week!^^

Love you,
Mom and Dad

------
6/11
My Little Man,

We just finished putting stamps on our Thank You notes! We are still collecting a few addresses but... it feels good to get some important things accomplished and show our lovely friends and family our gratitude!

Mama and Papa helped us put up a shelf in your nursery area tonight! And Mama helped me finally get some pictures and mirrors up on the wall in the cottage.  It feel much cozier and homier now.  I've been desperately wanting to 'nest' and organize and beautify everything, so its incredibly nice to finally have some things set up and ready!

Also we are so very excited for your cousin Joci's arrival sometime in the next few weeks! We are praying for a very healthy girl and a healthy Aunt Sarah and a nice, smooth, delivery!  You are just going to love your big-boy cousin Micah too.  I'm sure he will teach you lots of cool things!

Love you bunches and bunches,
<3 Mommy

Little Notes for Little Eli -Part 4

4/10
Sweet Hop-Along,
(It is almost Easter after all.)

Apparently I have tendonitis in my right foot (or at least that's the label the doctor came up with).  I suppose it's from walking a long distance in flat tennis shoes last week or making a slightly long drive without cruise control, or hormones and "loosening" muscles, or perhaps a combination of everything. I'm really not sure. But sometimes I like to tell people ridiculous stories of my adventures.   .
...like saving a school bus of children
...or my MMA competition
...or catching a robber in heels
Hey, the stories may not exactly be true... but they are entertaining.  ;)

So really... I very unexpectedly woke up on Tuesday with pain in my foot. I walked around on it hoping it would start to feel better but by the end of the day it was throbbing and I couldn't sleep ...so your sweet daddy wrapped it up in an ace bandage.

In the morning before work, I couldn't put any pressure on it at all. It hurt so badly that I was laughing hysterically while trying to hobble around. (Apparently this is what I do when I'm in pain -- labor should be fun!) The laughing tears quickly turned to real tears though and I realized that I should see a doctor before things got worse. You, Me, and Mama ended up hobbling into Patient First (looking absolutely ridiculous I might add). The nurses were very kind to us, created a "half-cast" sort of contraption, and eventually taught us to walk with crutches! I've never been on crutches before. Ever! That was certainly an interesting adventure for a very accident prone woman and her wee little guy. ;) 

Work has been quite the event. I'm really not used to sitting still.  And I really don't like having to depend on others to help me do everyday tasks. It certainly gives me a better appreciation for those that have to do this regularly and I'm certainly grateful for the help.  Perhaps this is a gentle(ish) reminder from God, regarding my independent streak and desire to do everything on my own.

We will just keep learning together, won't we?

Love you,
Your accident-prone Momma

------
4/15
Baby Boy,

We made it through this week at work, through Easter, cottage preparations, and cleaning. Wow. I certainly feel more blessed than ever to regularly have working limbs, let me tell you! Everything from driving to showing upstairs model apartments to carrying books or food or drinks has been quite an adventure.  I think I've pulled just about every muscle around my abs on these things. But on the bright side -- my arms are going to be buff for summer! ;)

Proud of us,
Mom

------
4/24
Little Big Guy, 

We did it! We officially moved.
Furniture was built, baskets and bins and boxes were packed, closets were emptied, the cottage was cleaned, furniture was sold and stored. We have some minor things left to do but it feels so good to have some finality to a month-long preparation.

Breathe easy Baby,
Mom

------
4/26
Wiggles McGee,

I felt a funny "popping" sensation low to the left of my tummy while laying very still in bed tonight and I'm pretty sure it was you.

I really like being able to feel you finally,
Mommy

------
4/28
Dear (what are our names again)?

We. Are. Exhausted.
The past week has been quite a marathon of work and school and crutching and packing and moving and unpacking and organizing and shopping for things to organize with. We had some wonderful help from friends this week -from cleaning help to borrowing vehicles to transport furniture to heavy lifting. We've been SO blessed to have extra hands to support us this week!  You and I certainly couldn't take on this project alone, kid. Daddy was hugely helpful, along with your Mama and Papa, Aunt Sarah and our sweet friends that loaned us their time and vehicles and scrubbing-power.

I think it's time for... zzzz
zzzz
zz

------
4/29
Busy Bee,

20 week appointment! We got to see you again today and confirmed once again that you are, in fact, a little boy!

We also found out that you have a little bit of extra fluid on one kidney, so we are praying that it goes away naturally before our next ultrasound appointment towards the end of the pregnancy. We were told that it tends to be more common in little guys than little girls and often times goes away before you would make your way into our arms. Still, I worry about you. --Other than that minor (potential) issue you seem to be quite perfect -- and VERY active!  (Even the ultrasound tech was impressed with your activity level.) You Sir, are one busy bee! You do not like being prodded and you don't seem to like when Momma lays down flat.  

Oh, and we also finished picking your name!
It was quite an event since your dad and I don't agree on many names :) We love it and we hope you do too. 

...Now I'll have a full name to say when you are busy getting into trouble ;)  --and when I just want to love on you.

Love you so very much, Eli Oliver Rieke. 

<3Your crazy-excited Momma

------

5/5

My Little Man, 

Yesterday was a hard day for us.  I suppose my worries about your health and safety due to my high  sugar counts, work stress, school stress, and these blasted hormones sent me into a whirlwind of anxiety. I felt so incredibly discouraged and rather worth-less as a shelter to protect you and grow you. I was an all-out mess. I am trying hard to keep you safe, Eli. I really, really, am.

I wish my body would cooperate a bit better, especially when it's lack of cooperation can jeopardize your well-being. But, like many other things, it's mostly out of my control. All I can do is try my best and pray (a lot) that God will spare you any hurts that come from whatever tough decisions I have to make.

This is my view of us today :)
Mercy, we've been growing like a weed.  My back and neck and shoulders and stomach are certainly all feeling the strain... but no extra weight to report yet, really. Your wonderful Daddy gave us a soothing back massage tonight after we spent the day grocery shopping and preparing snacks and meals for the week and studying and exam-taking and cooking dinner.
We got pampered! It was lovely. He's the best!

I'm eager to see you grow, little guy. -- Not so eager to see me grow ;) but super stoked to be able to enjoy this special time with you. It is quite a gift!

Stay safe, okay?
Momma Bear

------
5/13/14
Eli Oliver,

Here we are today:

...and we've officially gained our very first pound together! (It's about time! Our sugar-free/high protein diet, changing hormones and sickly start together hasn't allowed for a great deal of indulgence or accompanying weight gain it seems). Good going, little man! Keep growing big and tough!  I simply can't wait until your Dad can feel your kicks and punches and rolls.  I can definitely tell you've been getting stronger.

Oh and most importantly (on the food front) we've really been into Turkey Avocado BLTs from Panera.  We love our occasional trips to Skinny Dip for frozen yogurt with strawberries and we really like fresh baked mini Tollhouse cookies and milk right now ...like REALLY!  Of course, all of our sweet cravings have to be kept to a minimum but ohhhh what a wonderful treat.  You have good taste little man! ;)

I love you more than sweet tea and caramel lattes combined!  -Just sayin'
Mom

p.s. --Sorry the laptop balanced on my belly and knees is cramping your style ;) I'll keep that in mind next time. 

Little Notes for Little One -Part 3

3/4
Silly Goose,

Today we woke up without an alarm! This never happens. We couldn't sleep in on our day off but ... I did get my hair all beautified and feel refreshed.  I can't wait until the day I get to do your hair too (maybe done like daddy's or braided and bowed).  I know these little notes may seem silly, but they make me feel even closer to you. <3

-Mom

----
3/5
Sweetness,

We started RAM school tonight to get certified for momma's job (future job hopefully).  *Your first day at school and you aren't even born yet ;)  We have to go to school on Mondays and Wednesday nights after work for several hours. (I either had to go next year and miss time and snuggles with you or go this year while we are still very much together.) I think this is best for the both of us.  I'm really praying that pregnancy-brain won't hit too hard this trimester.  It's really odd getting back into a classroom and staring at textbooks again,  but we really, really, like learning.

Let's keep these brain cells working, Baby.
Love you,
Mom

-----
3/8
Peanut,

I hope you are doing well in there, kiddo!
...Now that nausea has mostly subsided, we are now having trouble with our blood sugar! Heavens! We still can't smell food before we eat it or we don't feel well.  You need to be fed every 2 hours (without fail)-- and we have to be very very very picky about what we eat and drink.  And sometimes, even the very best choices and constant snacking, don't quite help with our 'highs and lows' (especially while we sleep).  There is lots of pricking and testing and thinking and choosing and logging in store for us with this new routine.

We are tired and momma has been quite overwhelmed. But it is so worth it if it means I have a healthy You in the end! Let's pray your Daddy can handle all the "highs and lows" of this phase.  ;) We are proving to be quite a hand-full.

Love ya,
<3 Momma Meal-Ticket.

-----
3/17
Little One,

We really like root beer floats AND we really, really, really like naps!!!
Without nappage, we will either:
a.) Have an emotional meltdown
b.) Fall asleep sitting up or standing up
c.) Turn into a crazy person 
(or all of the above)
...kind of like this poor kid...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TN8ohy1qcts

Oh yeah.
This is going to be fun. ;)

Love you bunches,
Mom

----- 
3/20
Baby,

We gave our notice today.  Our little family of three is headed back to the cottage to help with finances and convenience for the temporary.  It's exciting and nerve-wracking all at the same time.  I'm so excited about this new chapter, love, but I also know that change isn't easy. We have lots of help and lots of love and God has blessed us with great family and great companies to work for.  I think our plan will help set us up for a less complicated and a bit less burdensome financial future. 

Also Momma is feeling a bit stuffed at the moment. ;) I have to admit- you've been making me feel awfully odd.  I'm not quite big enough to look particularly pregnant- but I'm certainly not fitting into my regular pants.  Keep growin' kid!  I'm sure I'll be plenty plump (and hot) come August and September.

We like walks, and water, and spending time with Daddy. We even "play" video games sometimes.  I'm sure he will teach you to master that controller much better than your Mom.

Love you, Kid
<3 Mom

-----
3/27
Baby,

Well it's amazing what a difference one week makes. I still can't feel you moving around but boy do I feel pregnant. It's weird how odd having bump makes me feel. I've felt a bit off balance and sleeping on my stomach isn't really comfortable anymore. The belly-band is in full use now as my pants won't quite fit around the waist.  I won't dare to actually complain though. It's so weird -- but wonderful.

I feel so blessed and I know how many ladies with momma-hearts haven't been able to experience this. <3 So thank you, Little One. And thank God for giving me this privilege!

Oh, I almost forgot! Daddy and I heard your heart beating strong on Tuesday. He's my 'lucky charm', I think.  Things always seem to go smoothly when he's around.  --Although your wiggly-ness wasn't making it very easy for the doctor find you.  I think you'll be a pro at hide&seek in the future. ;)

Love, Love, Love,

Momma

p.s. Look at us... aren't we cute ;)  >>>>>>

-----
4/6

Little Guy,

We got to go to a very special appointment yesterday (after much convincing to your Daddy).  We got to take our time and see you on a moving "4-D" ultrasound!  How cool is that?!  You are still so little and 'fat-free' (I wish I was) ;) ...so it was kind of silly seeing your tiny little self all cuddled up in there but so so sweet!

I've been suspecting you are a boy since I first saw your petite little profile a few weeks ago. You looked JUST like your Daddy! ...and it was absolutely astounding to see you laying with your little elbows up by your face, resting just like your Dad rests.  (I know because he's great at elbowing me in the face in the middle of the night- lol). 
And I knew when the ultrasound tech said she knew your gender pretty much right away that you were, in fact, a wee little man!

I have to admit, Sweetheart, I was so happy and so fearful in that moment.  I've never been a "Mom" and I've only ever "mothered" girls -- so it  has been a bit hard to settle into the idea of having a mini-Jed and not a mini-me. BUT heavens, Boy, you are so very loved!  Your Dad was beaming and I was just so content in knowing how special you are and what an answer to prayer you have been for us!  I can't wait to watch your Dad grow in his love for you and witness your "father-son" bond.  I so desire to share a special bond with you too!


You are SO special to me, Eli!
--Promise that you'll love me and kiss me and snuggle me, still. I promise to let you get dirty and play rough and let your Daddy take the lead on helping you grow up to be a strong, compassionate, and wise man. [Disclaimer: I may try to dress you up like a little old man]- I'm not going to lie - but even if you hate cardigans and bow-ties, do you think you could just give me a few minutes without ripping it off or getting completely dirty? .........  Well, we will work on that ;)

Love you so very much Eli Rieke. <3 
You make my heart melt already.  Heaven-help you when you are in my arms -- I might really smother you with kisses.
<3 <3 <3
Mom

Little Notes for Little One - Part 1

1/5
Little One,

I can't stop staring at the test that told me that "I" am a "we".
<3

Your uncle Luke was hanging out on our couch and your daddy was laying on the loveseat when I found out that we would have you.  I really didn't expect to get such a wonderful answer and I couldn't contain myself! -- I always assumed that my announcement to your daddy would be a private and very special time (and it was special) --but funny since we were silently celebrating in the bathroom (so your uncle wouldn't hear about you) when those 2 pink lines made their appearance.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about you.  I wonder how tiny you are and what to expect when we will finally get to see you (via ultrasound). I can't wait to heart your little heart beating. I've been praying hard that you are growing strong.  I can't wait to find out everything about you!

Today your daddy and I talked quite a bit about what we are going to do to prepare for you.   I can't help but smile and want to jump around the room. --I won't be jumping though. I want you to stay snuggled right where you belong. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.

I can't wait to meet you! I just. can't. wait.  I have waited for you for (what seems like) an eternity.  I'm so happy that your daddy is so happy! I want to shout it from the rooftops and tell everyone I meet how excited I am and how special you are. But for now, you are our special secret.

Until we meet, <3
Mommy
----

1/10

Sweets,

I'm worried, I'm really worried.  All of a sudden, tonight, in the quiet-- while sifting through (yet again) "what to expect" sites and blogs --I realized how truly worried I am about you.  About losing you.

Obviously I don't 'know' you yet... We haven't spoken, and we haven't "met".  You haven't heard my voice or your dad's. We haven't heard you cry or felt you move --but I love you. So much. And every creative baby announcement pin and every online ultrasound photo and weekly baby calendar remind me how fragile you are and how afraid I am of not being able to completely protect you.  

My heart is racing and I can't make it stop. I want you. I want you. I want you. I'm praying so hard that God lets me have you and keep you and watch you grow.

Giving your life to my Father and yours,   
<3 Mom
----

1/21
Little One, 

Your Nana and Aunt Mariah, Granny and Grandaddy, Mama and Papa and your Uncle Luke, Josh, and Aunt Sarah know about you now!  It's been hard keeping my excitement in... but also hard to tell such a special secret because, to be honest, I'm a bit fearful. It was so worth it though.  You are going to be so loved. You are already so, so, loved!

Can't wait for you to meet these awesome people,
Mom
----

1/29
Silly Little Thing, 

I ended up telling my boss about you today... because recently you've been making my brain go all kinds of fuzzy! -- and wow, so tired. (I could fall asleep standing up or sitting at my desk. We need to pay the bills so I'm looking forward to this phase being over ...but quite happy because, I assume, that all this means you're going to grow well because these hormones are working well! ;)

Silly thing,
Love you.

Mom

----

1/30
Crazy Kid, 

Well, apparently you don't like Chicken (of any kind or any smell) and you've decided you like grape flavored fruit gummies. Odd... considering I don't like grape anything. -- you are your father's child ;) Oh, and mashed potatoes and cranberry juice seem to make you quite happy right now. So we have gotten a buffet of potato and cranberry products for you over the next few weeks.

--You'll probably be a 10 lb baby at this rate ;)

Love You,
Mom

----
2/1
Sweetheart, 

We saw you for the very first time today. It was amazing! I had hoped and prayed that we would be able to hear your tiny heart beating... and we did! 

You sounded like a little wooshing freight train.  It was strong enough that we heard it very easily, even though it's so early on. It felt like a huge hug from God. Incredible. He knew how much I wanted to hear you.

I cried and your dad just beamed. We couldn't resist recording that sweet little heart of yours.  I've been listening to it all day. -- and probably will for quite some time.

We also told "the world" that you are joining our family!  Again, you are very loved, Little One. <3

You Daddy is so in love with you too... I can tell. He was telling his gaming friends today that he was going to be a dad and was just beaming when he was recapping for me. 

Always-Always,
Mommy (& Daddy)

---
2/7/14
Well kiddo,

Momma seems to be sick.  Apparently your dad and I both got some sort of cold that won't take the hint and move along.  I'm really hoping that my normal nausea and super-sniffer-senses are the only things I have to worry about in the near future.

Apparently you're an indecisive little thing. ;) We have a fridge full of food but we don't like cranberry juice anymore and we don't like any form of meat.  Some of it smells so good... but these crazy taste-buds of ours seem to only taste/smell barn animals or canned tuna (weird). Not so appetizing.  We do like sweet pickles and vanilla ice cream - but not together -- We aren't that cliche ;)  We also really like apples... well, when the tartness doesn't make us gag.

Your dad has been good to us though... bringing us flat ginger ale and opening an obnoxious pickle jar of doom. -- and telling he loves us, even when one of us looks like we've been punched in the eyes and nose a few times.  You are just going to love your dad, little one. Seriously.  It's going to be hard to compete with that guy.  ;)

So that's the update.  I've been praying for you as you grow!  I've been feeding us lots of vitamins -- maybe you and I will be feeling better in no time!

<3,
Mom

Our 2013 Journey

2013. Quite a year for our little family of 2...

Close to the start of the year, we went to Florida for a wedding. I got to see some of Jed's family, I had never met before. We were able to spend time with Dave and Teresa (for the first time) outside of normal, day-to-day, activities in Virginia Beach.  I loved that. It was so interesting to see family with family too-- they are a bit crazy/quirky ;) I really like them. Also, I met Ariel at Disney World and ate a ridiculous amount of theme park food. A memorable trip, I'd say.

We moved out of the Rieke cottage and into our first apartment in Norfolk at the end of February. I learned a ton about myself and about my new job after getting thrown into the deep end of apartment management and becoming a rarely-leave-home resident manager. Jed began his second year with The Center and made it through another great symposium. It's always exhausting and time consuming, but incredibly rewarding for all his hard work to finally come together.

We made it nearly 6 months at Pleasant Village, which is certainly a miracle in my book. The amount of stress in that position was quite difficult. We absolutely loved our neighborhood and our wonderful summer strolls on the bay, though. We couldn't really make ends meet with the pay and time constraints of the job so... in August we made another change... mostly for sanity's sake and for the sake of our bank account.

Through a strange, and wonderful, turn of events (while we were looking for new housing options in Virginia Beach in August) I heard of another property manager/assistant manager position with my (now) new company. I started at Shoreline on September 1st and, frankly, I couldn't have been placed with a better manager or in a better position. I don't make millions, but I certainly am happy with this job.  I imagine it will turn out to be more of a career.  I would have never guessed that property administration and management would be such a great fit overall.

In the same month as our second move of the year, Jed gained a new boss at The Center. Jed handled the transition incredibly well. Not only did The Center's management change, but many of their goals and visions. It was not an easy adjustment for Jed, who truly loved the Center's previous mission but he has made it through and has done his job very well. He's intelligent and capable and amazing at maintaining a good outlook overall, even when things don't go as planned.

I believe that Jed has learned a lot about himself this past year too.  He helped me through a lot of change and made a lot of hard decisions regarding the family "brand" he wants to create, his career goals, and our living situation. There have been significant disappointments for us this past year, but I truly think we made it through very, very, well. I like being on a team with my Jed.

We may not have graduated or married, bought a house or had little ones in 2013, but our lack of (seemingly) huge or life-altering events or announcements actually shaped us more than some of the bigger things we've accomplished.

Things haven't often been made very clear for us over the past few years of marriage but I'm looking forward to deciphering God's plans in the coming year. One day at a time. We can make it. I'd say 2013 was a great success and much, much, more than an unsettled journey. It's been a really rewarding one.

Happy 2014, Friends and Family. <3

I pray that this new year brings a great deal of heart change and happiness... that your blessings will be incredibly evident, and hardships won't defeat you (especially your spirit) but be taken as an opportunity to learn and grow closer to God --and closer to those you love.

We love you.

<3 Lauren

Progress > Perfection

Perfect.
A big burden for a simple word.

Perfect.  A word that is capable of making me feel weak, worthless, anxious and incapable. Desiring to do things perfectly, say things well, give off that "perfect" impression is certainly one of my biggest flaws.

...I mean, who doesn't want to be the Mary Poppins of their household or social group?  --A capable, well-spoken, woman (flawless in heart, and mind, and beauty) who never uses commas or  parenthesis or ellipsis incorrectly ;) and who's "golden touch" makes everything wonderful, and lovely, and well-behaved. 

While my perfectionist ways often lead me towards doing my very best, they hinder me in so many ways. Compulsive organizing and the need to be neat, gift giving, craft projects and relationships are all often run by this strong desire for perfection. --Perfectly clean, the perfect present for so-and-so, the flawless craft project that looks professional, perfect communication.  -- Totally do-able right?  Not so much.
--
Whether is spurs from the need to control or some egotistical problem with the heart, I can't easily escape it.  Somewhere along the line, I started believing that the more organized, the more active, the more studious, the more crafty, the more independent I was... the more valuable I became.  While this mentality often works well in educational and career realms (with grades and promotions for hard work and long hours etc.) it doesn't help the heart much. 

I've been working on some homemade Christmas projects for family and friends over the past few weeks. It's the first time, perhaps since elementary school, that I've felt the urge to be crafty AND decided that it was worth potentially failing in order to give something that took time and energy and meant something special.

A few nights ago, while attempting to direct my noncompliant paintbrush over a canvas,  I was overwhelmed with anxiety. Disobedient paintbrush decided to flick paint beside a line that was supposed to be perfectly straight.  Immediately tears came to my eyes and my heart sank. Then my unruly hand brushed against wet paint and made little paint scuffs across my crisp white background. Noooooooo!  

I was seriously distressed. My heart fell somewhere between disappointed and devastated.  And in that brief moment, when I was contemplating lighting my canvas on fire or throwing it in the lake, I realized how utterly ridiculous that feeling was.  I wanted it to be perfect so badly that it felt like a 'loss' when it wasn't going to turn out the way I had hoped.  It wasn't because I was wanting to be world's best painter, it was because (in my mind) anything less than perfect wasn't worth giving away.

As I sat there staring at my now "mess" of a project, I thought... "If it's not going to be perfect, then it's not worth doing".

Interesting.

I think this same thing all. the. time. When since did gifts have to be absolutely perfect? When did friendships and conversations and meals and organizing have to be perfect for them to be "worth it"?

I don't know if anyone gets stuck in this rut as much as I do, but I assume that we all have these tendencies (especially when something is important to us).  And I just thought, seeing as it's the season of giving, that perhaps we all need a little bit of grace in this area.

I apologize in advance for those of you who will receive a canvas with a smudgy letter or to those that have to endure my less than perfect cooking or singing or not quite clean house. ;)  I'm trying to learn to put my value in the progress (and passion) and not perfection.

I'm not going to get all philosophical here today but that 'ah-ha' moment of mine really made an impact.  I already gave away a couple of things I wasn't completely satisfied with. And that's a big deal.  I've crafted and knitted and attempted things before but, until now, always gave up and threw away the things that didn't meet the mark. (aka all of them) But my mark is changing, with a lot of effort, and humility, and apologies. ;) --and not just with gift giving-- things are changing in my heart, in my values and  in my views of who I am and who I want to be.

I don't want to be known as the person who's always perfect... because I won't try anything that I won't succeed at.  I want to be know as the person that puts her heart into things even when failure is a great possibility.  Will anyone else work on this with me this year? 

  <3 Lauren

 

A Sore Reminder

It's hard to see adorable pregnancy pictures, baby announcements, family photos, and gushing parent/grandparent stories of cuteness and sweetness and pride.

But It's harder to hear stories about girls having kids in high school, parents that abuse or neglect the kids that they never wanted to begin with, the system scammers that purposefully get pregnant as a means of maintaining government assistance or 'keeping up' with other family members. It's hard to hear about 'accidents' and babies born to single parents who wished things would have turned out differently.

It hurts because... while it obviously doesn't matter to some, it matters to me. 

---
It's hard to be in pain. Physical pain is like a magnifying glass for all (regularly bearable) emotional triggers.

It's that time of month... The physically exhausting and painful phase when bending, bumping, laughing, hugging, sneezing, sitting, laying, twisting... breathing... seems to hurt.  When normal activities, like reaching to get a glass from the top shelf of the cupboard or putting on pajama pants, make you hold your breath and close your eyes.  When no pose or posture takes away the ache.

Thank God these "phases" come with a break in between. I can't tell you how grateful I am that the pain usually doesn't last for days on end --like some of my friends who deal with excruciating pain and treatments on a daily basis.  At least in my case, the few days of 'ouch,' usually come and go pretty quickly.

By God's grace I managed to make it past moving month and past my 1st month at work before any significant hurt set in. God got me through the majority of my work day today without any unmanageable (or visible) signs or pain and I'm scheduled to have the day off tomorrow.  Thank you, God!

But I'm having a hard time today -- tonight -- this week.

First came "the fever".
My familiar friend.  Hoping, wishing and trying to wait patiently for my turn/our turn. Oogling over little ones, sweet families, adorable outfits. Making light of family hopes and "when we-s".

Then comes the pain.
The sore reminder of a vacant oven and (potentially) broken one. Always unexpected and never to be counted on. Always depressing. Always.

Today, instead of trying to cover a baby bump like so many of my friends, I try to stay comfortable and cover a swollen mid-section. I continue on with work, and chores, and social obligations, while so deeply wishing that God hadn't said no.  ...wishing that plans wouldn't change and efforts would count for something.

So today, I'm simply grateful that...

Even at my worst, in my hurt... God is still good, and I am still human. ...And He still loves His girl. 

..And that reminds me, once again, of how desperate I am for the kind of comfort only He can give. 

Decisions, Decisions.

I know I've been quiet for a couple of months and thought I'd let you in on the inner workings of this mind of mine. There are about a million and two questions that have been circling my mind and laying heavy on my heart over the last several weeks. 

Here are 5: 

1. Do I really have to give up what we just thought God was orchestrating for us, change my job yet again and revert back to our living situation from 6 months ago? (not that it's the worst- certainly far from it- so don't get me wrong. It's more about the principle and resulting hurt than the situation itself)

2. Do I really have to give up hope on having a baby, yet again, after feeling so hopeful and sure that God was orchestrating it for us... and wait another year to 2 years before trying for family (assuming that in 2 more years, things will be okay financially).  This breaks my heart and I have to constantly put it in 'check'.

3. Would I rather give up the stress of my current job (which allows some flexibility and 'at home' hours) in hopes of making more money (to hopefully aid in family planning)...
OR 
4. Would I rather stay where I am (stretching myself thin with work and stress and praying for consistent opportunity for cash-flow) in hopes of having space and the ability to stay home with an infant (that may or may not come to be in the next year or 2).

5. Which risk is the most 'right'?

Here are my options:

Option #1.
Work a 'normal' 9-5 office job again, leaving our 2 bedroom place behind, and moving back into the cottage so we can try to save money. 

2 year job commitment to prevent job-hopping -resume.
Ability to rest without being 'on call' 24-7.
1 bedroom studio (great little space for just us!) instead of 2 bedroom apartment.
Little room for growth, space-wise.
Little flexibility with 9-5 job
Great flexibility at the cottage if the "bottom falls out" financially.
Great flexibility with choosing to lease in the future (not held to a lease agreement).
Less expense, more savings.
Ability to pick up side-job.
Evenings and weekends free for service, friends, family and rest (as finances allow when trying to save a great deal of money)

Option #2
Work a 'normal' 9-5 office job again, leaving our 2 bedroom place behind, and moving into a 1 bedroom apartment. 

2 year job commitment to prevent job-hopping -resume.
Ability to rest without being 'on call' 24-7.
1 bedroom apartment (with a bedroom door-hooray) instead of 2 bedroom apartment.
Little room for growth, space-wise.
Little flexibility with 9-5 job.
Little flexibility with lease agreement.
Added expenses, added income, little to no savings.
Ability to pick up side-job.
Evenings and weekends free for service, friends, family and rest (as finances allow).
Privacy and space.
Possibility to be close to job(s) for convenience.

Option #3
Continue where we are, managing apartment complex, but pick up multiple side jobs to make ends meet.

Job directly relates to housing situation.
2 bedroom apartment.
Room for growth and guests.
Great neighborhood and area.
Flexibility in terms of day to day activities and timing.
Ability to 'stay at home' with a child.
I don't have to travel to work at all.
Not particularly convenient travel to daily activities but not terrible.
Ability to work side job(s) to make ends meet.
Have to work side job(s) to make ends meet.
Expected to be 'on call' 24-7 and 'in-office' for 44 hours a week. (Monday - Saturday)
Only compensated for 20 hours of weekly work in exchange for housing.
Only one day off per week (Sunday- but emergencies always take precedence)
On call 24-7.  Little rest, often high stress and 'emergency' deadlines that must be met.
Having to take on side-jobs doesn't allow a great deal of time for serving (at church) like I'd like to, doesn't allow us to give (financially), like I'd like to, or maintain relationships like I'd like to.

*there are so many variations of each of these options depending on jobs, pay rates, hours worked and days worked...

Around and around we go....


I measure just about everything through these three questions:
Is it RIGHTeous?  Is it Logical?  Does it bring glory to God?

None of these options, despite lots of prayers, have been clearly laid out as much more right or more logical or more glorifying that the others. Not having clarity on these things really makes decision-making incredibly difficult and exhausting. -- One moment I'm crying over not wanting to give up on what I thought we would have here, at this job and house... and the next, I'm thinking that, perhaps, with just a little more time and money we can finally get 'there' ...and with the next breath I'm wondering if God wants us to get 'there' at all.

What takes precedence?  Giving (money and time) to church, family, friends? Having a family of our own?Serving and witnessing through the workplace?  Being responsible with finances and saving as much as possible, as to not inconvenience or impose on family and friends?

I couldn't  be any more heavy-hearted or confused than I am now (and have been) while trying to seek clarity from God on these things so...

I'm completely and totally open to all suggestions.  What would you do? Have you ever been in a win/win or no-win situation?  How did you decide? What do you think? 


Before you think I've fallen off the deep-end (because my post isn't filled with bible verses) just know that my heart isn't ungrateful or unyielding or completely discontent.  This is my heart and my mind at work-- and it's been quite a battle.  ...and there's more to come on that.

Had I But Known That Giving Up is Best

I've been racking my brain for weeks trying to think of something that I haven't already written about (in a passionate but not at all grammatically correct way) that won't make anyone fall asleep and that I actually know something about. Tough, right?

I went through my regular list of "coulda, shoulda, wouldas" (to no avail) and ended up recounting my "expertise" in the areas of southern style sweet tea and attempting to control everything -ever. After amusing myself with significantly snarky "Had I but known" titles, a familiar tune can on my Pandora station.  Ingrid Michaelson's song, Giving Up, which brought me some much needed inspiration.

The very first time I heard this song, I wasn't quite sure what to think. I couldn't understand how a song about giving up could possibly be a love song. But after listening to it on repeat for about an hour, I realized that the song is a.) incredibly catchy and b.) isn't about giving up on someone at all, it's about giving up for them.

Let me explain...

Pop on over to www.annaurquhart.com (The Silent Isle) to see more of this article and other incredibly witty and wise posts from a sweet friend, Anna, and some of her amazing colleagues and friends! I'm so honored to be involved in this great series with wonderful writers (unlike me)  ;) Thank you, Anna.  You are lovely.

Letting Go and Letting God

Lord, I Need You

Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay

--An excellent and powerful reminder for days when you feel like praising
... and for days when your heart feels like a concrete in your chest.

All you can do is release control, aknowledge God's goodness, grace, power, and protection
...pray for peace and wisdom, and consistently remind your mind to have Faith in the Lord's promises.

I often need a daily reminder to release control.
Songs of praise and surrender have this incredible way of calming my anxiety and chipping away at the heavy heart within me.

I hope this song can be the song of your heart today (and everyday) too.
<3

Home Sweet Home

Home Sweet Home 

Living Room

The Couch Cushions are a bit 'squiggly' ... and my rainboots are in the entryway  but hey, a girl's got to have access to her rainboots, right?!

Entryway and Hall

Our Wedding 'Guest Book' - Love it.

Dining room- Yes there is a computer on my kitchen counter. 

Happy little office-  lots of light near the window.

Kitchen- where I stuff my face regularly.

Piggy- the only kind I'm allowed to have.  He's very happy.  

Master Bedroom-  Where sometimes Jed tries to make the bed over me in the morning. 

Make-up Station- glorious, no?

Guest Bathroom-

Guest Bedroom/Office/"Storage of Random Stuff Room"-  

Cutiful Bookshelf in Guest Room- filled with memorable things

 

Well, that's our place :)
 I think it's pretty cute...
especially now that our 2nd bedroom actually has a purpose, beyond storing boxes and bags and random junk that hadn't found a home yet.

Thanks for stopping by <3

Feeling Blessed

I haven't had a lot to say recently or lots of exciting pictures to post but (as I'm sure, you've experienced or already know about me) when I'm overwhelmed I tend to be quiet  ...or a raging ball of angst. This week, I choose quiet.

I could write about all the ways that this move has been an adjustment... and all the difficulties surrounding change... but this time, I just want to say how grateful I am about how things have fallen into place for us.  Many a prayer has gone up regarding our future, our family, our jobs, and ministry, and finances... and God has been good to answer prayers quite steadily!

I've been impressed with the ease of making it into our new place. Moving a 400 something sq. ft apartment wasn't as taxing as I had made it out to be in my mind.  ;)  We had wonderful help and a gracious landlord that let us move in early so we could go out of town for a week.

Jed and I were able to go on vacation and spend a little time with Dave and Teresa out of our normal environment, which was super fun!  I met some more of Jed's family! They are just so lovely... and fun too! We hung out in the magical world of Disney for a few days... which  made me feel like a toddler again.  And we came back, safe and sound, ready to tackle the next chapter.

I started my new job training a day later and, despite normal 'complications' with any new training situation and new housing, I feel as though I'm gaining a pretty good grasp on what needs to be accomplished and why. The 'why' part tends to be super important to my learning process, so that's especially great. I'm pretty confident that this job is right for me, which is a much needed feeling, given the substantial changes we've made to make this arrangement work.

Jed is doing well and his job is seemingly solid despite recent Regent position cuts. So that alone is a huge blessing. And where pay seems to be falling a bit short nowadays, God has been providing some great little opportunities for a little extra income.  What an amazing blessing that has been!  ...and hopefully will continue to be!

All that being said...

I'm not going to pretend that this month has been an easy one, though. Jed and I have both been sick from raging allergies, making morning quite an event and evenings a bit tense from exhaustion. My "high strung" emotional status hasn't been super pleasant either, I'm sure.

But still,  despite  fluctuating emotions and tiring days, we are feeling so incredibly blessed and hopeful!

I'm excited about the possibilites that await us, with my new job and new (2 bedroom) home ;)  and I'm desperately praying that God will mold me and shape me however He sees fit so I can learn to truly enjoy what he's put in front of me... right now... in this moment.

And also learn to look forward to the future with great expectations regarding God's provisions and promises!

<3 Thanks for checking in.

Love,
Lauren

Here It Goes Again

I haven’t had the words (or the internet connection) in recent days to explain what’s been happening… ha!  But here’s what’s been going on…

It’s been nearly a week since packing up our little cottage and moving to our (2 bedroom) apartment in the other side of town. Yay! It’s exciting to have extra space and the opportunity and flexibility to now be home during daytime hours… but it’s also quite different from the life I’ve become accustomed to over the last couple of years.

Last Friday night (Dave, Teresa, Jed and I) packed up our little cottage into laundry baskets and bags and loaded up a yellow Penske truck (courtesy of my parents) with furniture and household items and prepared for a rainy Saturday move.  Jed and I stayed at Dave and Teresa’s for the night, signed our lease Saturday morning, and after an angsty meltdown (on my part) we waited for the rain to subside a bit before venturing back to the apartment to unload.  Sarah and Teresa met me at our new place to help ready everything so we could start moving everything in. Sarah brought sustenance and we all grabbed cleaning supplies …and after a sweet prayer (which I desperately needed) we began to clean, line cabinets and direct traffic. 

It ended up going so quickly, I think. Thank God for amazing helpers.  They did most of the work, I think. Dave and Jed did most of the moving with some help from the Jones’ (which was so nice!)  …Meanwhile I basically stood around in a funk, just staring at everything that needed to be accomplished, completely and utterly overwhelmed. I would start doing something and stop after a couple of seconds because I got my brain stuck on something else.

I’m really glad we broke up our packing and transport with a decent night’s sleep.   Everything went so quickly!  It’s so nice to have an extra room and extra space! If I didn’t know where to put it, it just went in the guest room and I closed the door! ,,,Out of sight and out of mind. Well, sort-of. Nothing seems to be ‘out of my mind’ for very long. 

…

I have to admit though, despite our very smooth move and speedy set-up, I’m still scared senseless regarding the unknown in the coming months.  This new adventure we’ve signed up for is a bit more than I can handle at the moment. 

This is my last day at Juvenile Court, until…  well, I have absolutely no idea.  It’s unnerving to think that this could be the end of an entire chapter of my career!!! We just finished unpacking and just packed for a week long vacation again last night. Hooray!!!  With that in mind... here's some peppy 'road trip' style music for your listening pleasure...  ;)   Here It Goes Again

...And when I get back, the fun of learning a new job begins and my last paycheck rolls in! (in Oprah’s voice)  It’s BUDGET time!!!  I’m not gonna lie, It’s scary to lose an entire income.  Mind you, we chose this cut… and I’m incredibly grateful for that!  I’ve been praying that God provides opportunities for us to make some additional income so we won’t be quite so strapped to the very tight budget we have set for ourselves.  I’m hoping, and knowing, that things will fall into place just as they are supposed to (at the right time with finances) just as they did with the move and job change. 

This adventure seems a bit more like a marathon at the moment though.  So for now, at least, I still feel like I did this past weekend…  just standing around, staring at stuff, not knowing what to do next.  I feel like my brain can’t catch up this week.

Transitions seem to make me this way. Zombie Lauren. I feel super busy and bored at the exact same time. I feel disconnected from everyone because of moving to the other side of town but I also feel disconnected because I know that I desperately need some space and quiet to settle myself down. The problem is, I’m craving normalcy too, which includes church and socializing and grocery shopping and work… all of which have been ‘off kilter’ in the last couple of weeks and will be for another week or two.

Friends, please pray me through.  I have a terrible tendency to be very irritable when new things are happening. My control-freak nature definitely rears it’s ugly head and my perfectionism won’t allow me to rest my mind at all until everything is in it’s place and planned out.  …Problem!

My heart has been hurting a bit though too because, despite our wonderful extra room, I can’t help but feel as though (or wish- I guess) that we had a special little 4 month old to have in there …and it makes anxious to look at that space sometimes.  It feels empty yet cluttered with junk. I’m really am trying not to dwell on the "maybes" and "what-ifs" but alas-- I can’t get it off my mind.  And I can’t seem to say it without feeling stupid for continuing to have baby on the brain.

I am hopeful, however and I am excited for God to continue planning this adventure of ours.  Who knows, maybe in the next year or so we will be able to fill that ‘empty space’.  ;)  I can still hope, can’t I?!  But for now, a guest room and office would be super nice!  YAY!  Room for visitors!  I’m so excited!

I’m so grateful for everyone who’s been so supportive and helpful and given of their time and energy and money to help us get moved and settled in.  I can’t imagine trying to do it alone. Thank you so much!  I love you and am so grateful for you!  …and I’m so excited about what this new chapter could mean for us!

Please don’t be offended if I don’t take you up on your lovely offers to help at the moment. Frankly I don’t even know where to begin, really, but I’m hoping to have a better idea of what we need and of my schedule in the next couple of weeks. 

<3 Thanks for checking in on us,

Love, 
Lauren 

Matthew 21:21

And Jesus answered and said to them, "Truly I say to you, if you have faith, and do not doubt, you shall not only do what was done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, 'Be taken up and cast into the sea,' it shall happen.

Give Me a Sign

Shine-David Crowder
LISTEN

The story of the faithful Christian that called out to God for help during a flood has come to mind a lot in recent weeks.

Though the waters were rising, he didn’t get in the car with his neighbors when they evacuated. He didn’t leave in the canoe. He didn’t get in the police boat. He didn’t climb the latter into the helicopter or grab the hand of the rescuer who climbed down to save him. Instead he consistently said, “No thank you, God will save me.” After a while the man was swept away with the rushing waters and stood before God in Heaven. When in Heaven, the man asked, “I put all of my faith in You. Why didn’t You come and save me?”  And God said, “Son, I sent you a warning. I sent you a car. I sent you a canoe. I sent you a motorboat. I sent you a helicopter. What more were you looking for?”

There comes a point when we can't just wait for what we expect divine intervention to look like.  We have to see the signs right in front of our faces.  Whether these signs come from a pro's and con's list, a perfectly timed (and poignant) conversation, wise counsel, or unexpected (yet extraordinary) events, we have to be able to recognize them when they appear.  

But how can we possibly know (for certain) unless God gives us a verbal confirmation or a flashing billboard? 

We pray.  We pray a lot.  We ask God for guidance every step of the way. 

We apply biblical principles. Is it honest, is is good, pure, loving? Is it wise?

We seek advice from wise counsel. Those who have been there before, those who love God first and foremost and those who have out best interest in mind.

We rely on logic.  God gave us logic and thought for a reason. We crunch numbers, work out possible plans and knock on doors. The rest is up to God.  

We obey. When God closes a door, we don't tantrum outside, we wait and then knock on another.  ...and when we feel as though God is leading us in a particular direction, we step on to the stones He's provided.   

Sometimes things just fall into place and we have this amazing 'gut' feeling that things are as they should be.  We've also probably experienced that feeling of utter anxiousness at one time or another.  ...You know, the kind that leaves a knot in your stomach or keeps you up thinking at night.  
Our decision-making, at that point, often comes down to intuition (or conscience and conviction).  We weight our feelings against logic, our short-term goals against long-term goals, and we ask ourselves if the risk is really worth it? Shall we take the path of least resistance, the narrow road, or just stand still for a while longer? 

And sometimes, we simply have to learn that...

If God hasn't opened doors in a certain direction or seemed to slam a previously open door, perhaps it's because He's about to clear another path.