Progress > Perfection

Perfect.
A big burden for a simple word.

Perfect.  A word that is capable of making me feel weak, worthless, anxious and incapable. Desiring to do things perfectly, say things well, give off that "perfect" impression is certainly one of my biggest flaws.

...I mean, who doesn't want to be the Mary Poppins of their household or social group?  --A capable, well-spoken, woman (flawless in heart, and mind, and beauty) who never uses commas or  parenthesis or ellipsis incorrectly ;) and who's "golden touch" makes everything wonderful, and lovely, and well-behaved. 

While my perfectionist ways often lead me towards doing my very best, they hinder me in so many ways. Compulsive organizing and the need to be neat, gift giving, craft projects and relationships are all often run by this strong desire for perfection. --Perfectly clean, the perfect present for so-and-so, the flawless craft project that looks professional, perfect communication.  -- Totally do-able right?  Not so much.
--
Whether is spurs from the need to control or some egotistical problem with the heart, I can't easily escape it.  Somewhere along the line, I started believing that the more organized, the more active, the more studious, the more crafty, the more independent I was... the more valuable I became.  While this mentality often works well in educational and career realms (with grades and promotions for hard work and long hours etc.) it doesn't help the heart much. 

I've been working on some homemade Christmas projects for family and friends over the past few weeks. It's the first time, perhaps since elementary school, that I've felt the urge to be crafty AND decided that it was worth potentially failing in order to give something that took time and energy and meant something special.

A few nights ago, while attempting to direct my noncompliant paintbrush over a canvas,  I was overwhelmed with anxiety. Disobedient paintbrush decided to flick paint beside a line that was supposed to be perfectly straight.  Immediately tears came to my eyes and my heart sank. Then my unruly hand brushed against wet paint and made little paint scuffs across my crisp white background. Noooooooo!  

I was seriously distressed. My heart fell somewhere between disappointed and devastated.  And in that brief moment, when I was contemplating lighting my canvas on fire or throwing it in the lake, I realized how utterly ridiculous that feeling was.  I wanted it to be perfect so badly that it felt like a 'loss' when it wasn't going to turn out the way I had hoped.  It wasn't because I was wanting to be world's best painter, it was because (in my mind) anything less than perfect wasn't worth giving away.

As I sat there staring at my now "mess" of a project, I thought... "If it's not going to be perfect, then it's not worth doing".

Interesting.

I think this same thing all. the. time. When since did gifts have to be absolutely perfect? When did friendships and conversations and meals and organizing have to be perfect for them to be "worth it"?

I don't know if anyone gets stuck in this rut as much as I do, but I assume that we all have these tendencies (especially when something is important to us).  And I just thought, seeing as it's the season of giving, that perhaps we all need a little bit of grace in this area.

I apologize in advance for those of you who will receive a canvas with a smudgy letter or to those that have to endure my less than perfect cooking or singing or not quite clean house. ;)  I'm trying to learn to put my value in the progress (and passion) and not perfection.

I'm not going to get all philosophical here today but that 'ah-ha' moment of mine really made an impact.  I already gave away a couple of things I wasn't completely satisfied with. And that's a big deal.  I've crafted and knitted and attempted things before but, until now, always gave up and threw away the things that didn't meet the mark. (aka all of them) But my mark is changing, with a lot of effort, and humility, and apologies. ;) --and not just with gift giving-- things are changing in my heart, in my values and  in my views of who I am and who I want to be.

I don't want to be known as the person who's always perfect... because I won't try anything that I won't succeed at.  I want to be know as the person that puts her heart into things even when failure is a great possibility.  Will anyone else work on this with me this year? 

  <3 Lauren

 

Decisions, Decisions.

I know I've been quiet for a couple of months and thought I'd let you in on the inner workings of this mind of mine. There are about a million and two questions that have been circling my mind and laying heavy on my heart over the last several weeks. 

Here are 5: 

1. Do I really have to give up what we just thought God was orchestrating for us, change my job yet again and revert back to our living situation from 6 months ago? (not that it's the worst- certainly far from it- so don't get me wrong. It's more about the principle and resulting hurt than the situation itself)

2. Do I really have to give up hope on having a baby, yet again, after feeling so hopeful and sure that God was orchestrating it for us... and wait another year to 2 years before trying for family (assuming that in 2 more years, things will be okay financially).  This breaks my heart and I have to constantly put it in 'check'.

3. Would I rather give up the stress of my current job (which allows some flexibility and 'at home' hours) in hopes of making more money (to hopefully aid in family planning)...
OR 
4. Would I rather stay where I am (stretching myself thin with work and stress and praying for consistent opportunity for cash-flow) in hopes of having space and the ability to stay home with an infant (that may or may not come to be in the next year or 2).

5. Which risk is the most 'right'?

Here are my options:

Option #1.
Work a 'normal' 9-5 office job again, leaving our 2 bedroom place behind, and moving back into the cottage so we can try to save money. 

2 year job commitment to prevent job-hopping -resume.
Ability to rest without being 'on call' 24-7.
1 bedroom studio (great little space for just us!) instead of 2 bedroom apartment.
Little room for growth, space-wise.
Little flexibility with 9-5 job
Great flexibility at the cottage if the "bottom falls out" financially.
Great flexibility with choosing to lease in the future (not held to a lease agreement).
Less expense, more savings.
Ability to pick up side-job.
Evenings and weekends free for service, friends, family and rest (as finances allow when trying to save a great deal of money)

Option #2
Work a 'normal' 9-5 office job again, leaving our 2 bedroom place behind, and moving into a 1 bedroom apartment. 

2 year job commitment to prevent job-hopping -resume.
Ability to rest without being 'on call' 24-7.
1 bedroom apartment (with a bedroom door-hooray) instead of 2 bedroom apartment.
Little room for growth, space-wise.
Little flexibility with 9-5 job.
Little flexibility with lease agreement.
Added expenses, added income, little to no savings.
Ability to pick up side-job.
Evenings and weekends free for service, friends, family and rest (as finances allow).
Privacy and space.
Possibility to be close to job(s) for convenience.

Option #3
Continue where we are, managing apartment complex, but pick up multiple side jobs to make ends meet.

Job directly relates to housing situation.
2 bedroom apartment.
Room for growth and guests.
Great neighborhood and area.
Flexibility in terms of day to day activities and timing.
Ability to 'stay at home' with a child.
I don't have to travel to work at all.
Not particularly convenient travel to daily activities but not terrible.
Ability to work side job(s) to make ends meet.
Have to work side job(s) to make ends meet.
Expected to be 'on call' 24-7 and 'in-office' for 44 hours a week. (Monday - Saturday)
Only compensated for 20 hours of weekly work in exchange for housing.
Only one day off per week (Sunday- but emergencies always take precedence)
On call 24-7.  Little rest, often high stress and 'emergency' deadlines that must be met.
Having to take on side-jobs doesn't allow a great deal of time for serving (at church) like I'd like to, doesn't allow us to give (financially), like I'd like to, or maintain relationships like I'd like to.

*there are so many variations of each of these options depending on jobs, pay rates, hours worked and days worked...

Around and around we go....


I measure just about everything through these three questions:
Is it RIGHTeous?  Is it Logical?  Does it bring glory to God?

None of these options, despite lots of prayers, have been clearly laid out as much more right or more logical or more glorifying that the others. Not having clarity on these things really makes decision-making incredibly difficult and exhausting. -- One moment I'm crying over not wanting to give up on what I thought we would have here, at this job and house... and the next, I'm thinking that, perhaps, with just a little more time and money we can finally get 'there' ...and with the next breath I'm wondering if God wants us to get 'there' at all.

What takes precedence?  Giving (money and time) to church, family, friends? Having a family of our own?Serving and witnessing through the workplace?  Being responsible with finances and saving as much as possible, as to not inconvenience or impose on family and friends?

I couldn't  be any more heavy-hearted or confused than I am now (and have been) while trying to seek clarity from God on these things so...

I'm completely and totally open to all suggestions.  What would you do? Have you ever been in a win/win or no-win situation?  How did you decide? What do you think? 


Before you think I've fallen off the deep-end (because my post isn't filled with bible verses) just know that my heart isn't ungrateful or unyielding or completely discontent.  This is my heart and my mind at work-- and it's been quite a battle.  ...and there's more to come on that.

Had I But Known That Giving Up is Best

I've been racking my brain for weeks trying to think of something that I haven't already written about (in a passionate but not at all grammatically correct way) that won't make anyone fall asleep and that I actually know something about. Tough, right?

I went through my regular list of "coulda, shoulda, wouldas" (to no avail) and ended up recounting my "expertise" in the areas of southern style sweet tea and attempting to control everything -ever. After amusing myself with significantly snarky "Had I but known" titles, a familiar tune can on my Pandora station.  Ingrid Michaelson's song, Giving Up, which brought me some much needed inspiration.

The very first time I heard this song, I wasn't quite sure what to think. I couldn't understand how a song about giving up could possibly be a love song. But after listening to it on repeat for about an hour, I realized that the song is a.) incredibly catchy and b.) isn't about giving up on someone at all, it's about giving up for them.

Let me explain...

Pop on over to www.annaurquhart.com (The Silent Isle) to see more of this article and other incredibly witty and wise posts from a sweet friend, Anna, and some of her amazing colleagues and friends! I'm so honored to be involved in this great series with wonderful writers (unlike me)  ;) Thank you, Anna.  You are lovely.

Seeing the Shore

I came across this today while looking for some music to lift my spirits. (It's worth watching)  :)



My heart has been so heavy (over the past several weeks) for some of my closest friends. It's been difficult  to watch people I love so deeply struggle so much.

I know that I haven't been the best encourager as I've recently felt it difficult to hold my own head above water.

My encouragement attemps usually consist of hugging, listening, nodding and  attempting to interject something of value.  Something like, " just keep swimming"... "I know this is not easy and honestly, it may not get much easier... but it's going to be worth it."

I often feel like a broken record when attempting to communicate something meaningful- since most of my days are spent trying to convince myself of the same 'meaningful' thing.

When bad things happen, when I'm anxious, and tired, and want to knock someone's block off...
When things are unclear and I can't see past the thick fog... I just keep telling myself:

Pray, Pray, Pray.
-Ask for anxieties to be calmed.
-Ask the Lord for wisdom and for encouragment.
-Ask for joy.
-Ask for protection and provision.
-Ask for peace that passes my own understanding.
-Ask for grace.
-Ask for clarity.
-Ask for a thankful heart.

Knock on doors.
Wait to see if they will open and see what happens next.
-That's really all we can do, right?

Rest.
Regroup.
Refill.
Take some time to be quiet, spend time with God and spend time relaxing or having fun with 'comfortable' people who uplift and encourage.

Oh, and...
Sing a peppy song.
They always help to make this heavy heart feel a bit lighter.



It's so incredibly difficult in times of high anxiety and uncertainty to find a true sense of peace and joy.
...and I think that this phase of life in particular tends to make everything a bit "foggy".

It's hard to see the shore. It's hard to trust in the end result.  It's hard to keep going despite feeling so far from home, so far from certainty and comfort, and so exhausted from pressing forward.
But we do.

And God is pleased.

That is success.  Simply making it to the shore.   -Whether swimming, floating, boating or nearly drowing on the way.

We pray through it, work through it and we do our very best.

Well Done- Moriah Peters

Change

Change. 

I honestly don’t know.  

Actually...

No.  I'm not ever ready for change. 

I'm not going to lie.  I'm freaking out inside! 

Am I ready to move on Saturday?! yes and no. I feel tense and my stomach is in knots just thinking of all the possibilities for trouble.  

I feel as though things are a bit awkward at the office right now  (which is understandable when one only has 2 weeks left).  

I’m nervous about leaving my job and becoming "bored" in my new situation.  (Which I know sounds ridiculous- I will still be working... but it's going to look and be so much different and "boredom" is a legitimate fear of mine.)  

I'm also scared of new anything. period. 

I’m worried about finances and frankly (selfishly)- I’m a bit freaked out about potentially not having the funds to escape for date nights or girls nights etc... which I've been able to do in recent months.  It's been such a huge blessing to be able to hang out and have pleasant communications (on a whim) and after spending the majority of my days with potty-mouths and angsty-pants over the phone. 

All that to say... 

I guess I'm about as "ready" as I'll ever be.   My 'gut' says that moving and a job change is best right now. God has lined everything up to work out as smoothly as possible, so I can't, in good conscience, conclude that my anxiousness is anything other than fear. 

...So I've been praying these words over and over today.   

I keep praying (requesting) that God's will be done in everything that we choose right now, that God would calm my nerves, and orchestrate the final pieces of the puzzle that would help this planner feel a bit better about all the new that's about to happen. 

...and I keep thinking of what God would say if He was trying to ease my fears.

I think He would hold the sides of my shoulders firmly (yet gently),  look me straight in the eye and say something like...

...then He would pull me in close and hug me tightly (just like my Dad would).

 He'd hold me for a second, take a deep breath and then crack a silly joke to make me smile...

... and pull me back in for another firm hug.  I'd use the shoulder of his dad-shirt as a tissue and then I'd feel...  better. 

I have faith that God will provide the means necessary to make this work as well as the  strength and discipline to be alright. 

  

My fears don't come from lack of trust in God's abilities but rather a lack of trust in my own.  (Which, I must say, is probably a very good thing.)

*I mean,  If I was left to my own devices, I'd probably be 800 pounds due to sweet-tea and chocolate chip pancake intake. I would have racked up the national debt in new blouses and I would be spending all my 'free' time at Disney World. - I'm just sayin'.  

... So it's probably best that I don't trust my spontaneous wants all the time.  I know that God would not approve of my financially irresponsible, gluttonous and vain habits. 

We've prayed and consulted, crunched numbers and re-evaluated our goals.

But the question remains:

Are we really willing to risk our comfort and our obvious security in order to follow His direction?  Am I really willing?

Sometimes change (as scary and risky as it may be) is a step towards hope... a step in the right direction. 

Faith.  

Sometimes faith means being still and waiting.  Sometimes faith is risk-taking. 

Faith is always trusting in God's provision and plan (whether waiting or doing).  

Even when we fail, there may be consequences... but God is bigger than all the wrong we are capable of.  We aren't beyond redemption. We aren't beyond repair.   I'm not beyond repair.  As long as we seek Him, he promises that he will direct our paths. 

Will it look the way we originally expected? Maybe not. 

Will we still be okay?  Yes.  

Our God is loving and gracious and merciful. 

I'm praying desperately that God is very merciful with me during these times of adjustment.  Because if I know anything about myself,  I know that I have a really hard time with new things.  

So I'm praying now... before the new begins... that He will give me a thankful and joyful heart and a very flexible attitude.  

I know good things are happening and I'm so excited to see what He has in store for us in the coming months!

Give Me a Sign

Shine-David Crowder
LISTEN

The story of the faithful Christian that called out to God for help during a flood has come to mind a lot in recent weeks.

Though the waters were rising, he didn’t get in the car with his neighbors when they evacuated. He didn’t leave in the canoe. He didn’t get in the police boat. He didn’t climb the latter into the helicopter or grab the hand of the rescuer who climbed down to save him. Instead he consistently said, “No thank you, God will save me.” After a while the man was swept away with the rushing waters and stood before God in Heaven. When in Heaven, the man asked, “I put all of my faith in You. Why didn’t You come and save me?”  And God said, “Son, I sent you a warning. I sent you a car. I sent you a canoe. I sent you a motorboat. I sent you a helicopter. What more were you looking for?”

There comes a point when we can't just wait for what we expect divine intervention to look like.  We have to see the signs right in front of our faces.  Whether these signs come from a pro's and con's list, a perfectly timed (and poignant) conversation, wise counsel, or unexpected (yet extraordinary) events, we have to be able to recognize them when they appear.  

But how can we possibly know (for certain) unless God gives us a verbal confirmation or a flashing billboard? 

We pray.  We pray a lot.  We ask God for guidance every step of the way. 

We apply biblical principles. Is it honest, is is good, pure, loving? Is it wise?

We seek advice from wise counsel. Those who have been there before, those who love God first and foremost and those who have out best interest in mind.

We rely on logic.  God gave us logic and thought for a reason. We crunch numbers, work out possible plans and knock on doors. The rest is up to God.  

We obey. When God closes a door, we don't tantrum outside, we wait and then knock on another.  ...and when we feel as though God is leading us in a particular direction, we step on to the stones He's provided.   

Sometimes things just fall into place and we have this amazing 'gut' feeling that things are as they should be.  We've also probably experienced that feeling of utter anxiousness at one time or another.  ...You know, the kind that leaves a knot in your stomach or keeps you up thinking at night.  
Our decision-making, at that point, often comes down to intuition (or conscience and conviction).  We weight our feelings against logic, our short-term goals against long-term goals, and we ask ourselves if the risk is really worth it? Shall we take the path of least resistance, the narrow road, or just stand still for a while longer? 

And sometimes, we simply have to learn that...

If God hasn't opened doors in a certain direction or seemed to slam a previously open door, perhaps it's because He's about to clear another path.