Progress > Perfection

Perfect.
A big burden for a simple word.

Perfect.  A word that is capable of making me feel weak, worthless, anxious and incapable. Desiring to do things perfectly, say things well, give off that "perfect" impression is certainly one of my biggest flaws.

...I mean, who doesn't want to be the Mary Poppins of their household or social group?  --A capable, well-spoken, woman (flawless in heart, and mind, and beauty) who never uses commas or  parenthesis or ellipsis incorrectly ;) and who's "golden touch" makes everything wonderful, and lovely, and well-behaved. 

While my perfectionist ways often lead me towards doing my very best, they hinder me in so many ways. Compulsive organizing and the need to be neat, gift giving, craft projects and relationships are all often run by this strong desire for perfection. --Perfectly clean, the perfect present for so-and-so, the flawless craft project that looks professional, perfect communication.  -- Totally do-able right?  Not so much.
--
Whether is spurs from the need to control or some egotistical problem with the heart, I can't easily escape it.  Somewhere along the line, I started believing that the more organized, the more active, the more studious, the more crafty, the more independent I was... the more valuable I became.  While this mentality often works well in educational and career realms (with grades and promotions for hard work and long hours etc.) it doesn't help the heart much. 

I've been working on some homemade Christmas projects for family and friends over the past few weeks. It's the first time, perhaps since elementary school, that I've felt the urge to be crafty AND decided that it was worth potentially failing in order to give something that took time and energy and meant something special.

A few nights ago, while attempting to direct my noncompliant paintbrush over a canvas,  I was overwhelmed with anxiety. Disobedient paintbrush decided to flick paint beside a line that was supposed to be perfectly straight.  Immediately tears came to my eyes and my heart sank. Then my unruly hand brushed against wet paint and made little paint scuffs across my crisp white background. Noooooooo!  

I was seriously distressed. My heart fell somewhere between disappointed and devastated.  And in that brief moment, when I was contemplating lighting my canvas on fire or throwing it in the lake, I realized how utterly ridiculous that feeling was.  I wanted it to be perfect so badly that it felt like a 'loss' when it wasn't going to turn out the way I had hoped.  It wasn't because I was wanting to be world's best painter, it was because (in my mind) anything less than perfect wasn't worth giving away.

As I sat there staring at my now "mess" of a project, I thought... "If it's not going to be perfect, then it's not worth doing".

Interesting.

I think this same thing all. the. time. When since did gifts have to be absolutely perfect? When did friendships and conversations and meals and organizing have to be perfect for them to be "worth it"?

I don't know if anyone gets stuck in this rut as much as I do, but I assume that we all have these tendencies (especially when something is important to us).  And I just thought, seeing as it's the season of giving, that perhaps we all need a little bit of grace in this area.

I apologize in advance for those of you who will receive a canvas with a smudgy letter or to those that have to endure my less than perfect cooking or singing or not quite clean house. ;)  I'm trying to learn to put my value in the progress (and passion) and not perfection.

I'm not going to get all philosophical here today but that 'ah-ha' moment of mine really made an impact.  I already gave away a couple of things I wasn't completely satisfied with. And that's a big deal.  I've crafted and knitted and attempted things before but, until now, always gave up and threw away the things that didn't meet the mark. (aka all of them) But my mark is changing, with a lot of effort, and humility, and apologies. ;) --and not just with gift giving-- things are changing in my heart, in my values and  in my views of who I am and who I want to be.

I don't want to be known as the person who's always perfect... because I won't try anything that I won't succeed at.  I want to be know as the person that puts her heart into things even when failure is a great possibility.  Will anyone else work on this with me this year? 

  <3 Lauren

 

Decisions, Decisions.

I know I've been quiet for a couple of months and thought I'd let you in on the inner workings of this mind of mine. There are about a million and two questions that have been circling my mind and laying heavy on my heart over the last several weeks. 

Here are 5: 

1. Do I really have to give up what we just thought God was orchestrating for us, change my job yet again and revert back to our living situation from 6 months ago? (not that it's the worst- certainly far from it- so don't get me wrong. It's more about the principle and resulting hurt than the situation itself)

2. Do I really have to give up hope on having a baby, yet again, after feeling so hopeful and sure that God was orchestrating it for us... and wait another year to 2 years before trying for family (assuming that in 2 more years, things will be okay financially).  This breaks my heart and I have to constantly put it in 'check'.

3. Would I rather give up the stress of my current job (which allows some flexibility and 'at home' hours) in hopes of making more money (to hopefully aid in family planning)...
OR 
4. Would I rather stay where I am (stretching myself thin with work and stress and praying for consistent opportunity for cash-flow) in hopes of having space and the ability to stay home with an infant (that may or may not come to be in the next year or 2).

5. Which risk is the most 'right'?

Here are my options:

Option #1.
Work a 'normal' 9-5 office job again, leaving our 2 bedroom place behind, and moving back into the cottage so we can try to save money. 

2 year job commitment to prevent job-hopping -resume.
Ability to rest without being 'on call' 24-7.
1 bedroom studio (great little space for just us!) instead of 2 bedroom apartment.
Little room for growth, space-wise.
Little flexibility with 9-5 job
Great flexibility at the cottage if the "bottom falls out" financially.
Great flexibility with choosing to lease in the future (not held to a lease agreement).
Less expense, more savings.
Ability to pick up side-job.
Evenings and weekends free for service, friends, family and rest (as finances allow when trying to save a great deal of money)

Option #2
Work a 'normal' 9-5 office job again, leaving our 2 bedroom place behind, and moving into a 1 bedroom apartment. 

2 year job commitment to prevent job-hopping -resume.
Ability to rest without being 'on call' 24-7.
1 bedroom apartment (with a bedroom door-hooray) instead of 2 bedroom apartment.
Little room for growth, space-wise.
Little flexibility with 9-5 job.
Little flexibility with lease agreement.
Added expenses, added income, little to no savings.
Ability to pick up side-job.
Evenings and weekends free for service, friends, family and rest (as finances allow).
Privacy and space.
Possibility to be close to job(s) for convenience.

Option #3
Continue where we are, managing apartment complex, but pick up multiple side jobs to make ends meet.

Job directly relates to housing situation.
2 bedroom apartment.
Room for growth and guests.
Great neighborhood and area.
Flexibility in terms of day to day activities and timing.
Ability to 'stay at home' with a child.
I don't have to travel to work at all.
Not particularly convenient travel to daily activities but not terrible.
Ability to work side job(s) to make ends meet.
Have to work side job(s) to make ends meet.
Expected to be 'on call' 24-7 and 'in-office' for 44 hours a week. (Monday - Saturday)
Only compensated for 20 hours of weekly work in exchange for housing.
Only one day off per week (Sunday- but emergencies always take precedence)
On call 24-7.  Little rest, often high stress and 'emergency' deadlines that must be met.
Having to take on side-jobs doesn't allow a great deal of time for serving (at church) like I'd like to, doesn't allow us to give (financially), like I'd like to, or maintain relationships like I'd like to.

*there are so many variations of each of these options depending on jobs, pay rates, hours worked and days worked...

Around and around we go....


I measure just about everything through these three questions:
Is it RIGHTeous?  Is it Logical?  Does it bring glory to God?

None of these options, despite lots of prayers, have been clearly laid out as much more right or more logical or more glorifying that the others. Not having clarity on these things really makes decision-making incredibly difficult and exhausting. -- One moment I'm crying over not wanting to give up on what I thought we would have here, at this job and house... and the next, I'm thinking that, perhaps, with just a little more time and money we can finally get 'there' ...and with the next breath I'm wondering if God wants us to get 'there' at all.

What takes precedence?  Giving (money and time) to church, family, friends? Having a family of our own?Serving and witnessing through the workplace?  Being responsible with finances and saving as much as possible, as to not inconvenience or impose on family and friends?

I couldn't  be any more heavy-hearted or confused than I am now (and have been) while trying to seek clarity from God on these things so...

I'm completely and totally open to all suggestions.  What would you do? Have you ever been in a win/win or no-win situation?  How did you decide? What do you think? 


Before you think I've fallen off the deep-end (because my post isn't filled with bible verses) just know that my heart isn't ungrateful or unyielding or completely discontent.  This is my heart and my mind at work-- and it's been quite a battle.  ...and there's more to come on that.

Had I But Known That Giving Up is Best

I've been racking my brain for weeks trying to think of something that I haven't already written about (in a passionate but not at all grammatically correct way) that won't make anyone fall asleep and that I actually know something about. Tough, right?

I went through my regular list of "coulda, shoulda, wouldas" (to no avail) and ended up recounting my "expertise" in the areas of southern style sweet tea and attempting to control everything -ever. After amusing myself with significantly snarky "Had I but known" titles, a familiar tune can on my Pandora station.  Ingrid Michaelson's song, Giving Up, which brought me some much needed inspiration.

The very first time I heard this song, I wasn't quite sure what to think. I couldn't understand how a song about giving up could possibly be a love song. But after listening to it on repeat for about an hour, I realized that the song is a.) incredibly catchy and b.) isn't about giving up on someone at all, it's about giving up for them.

Let me explain...

Pop on over to www.annaurquhart.com (The Silent Isle) to see more of this article and other incredibly witty and wise posts from a sweet friend, Anna, and some of her amazing colleagues and friends! I'm so honored to be involved in this great series with wonderful writers (unlike me)  ;) Thank you, Anna.  You are lovely.

Seeing the Shore

I came across this today while looking for some music to lift my spirits. (It's worth watching)  :)



My heart has been so heavy (over the past several weeks) for some of my closest friends. It's been difficult  to watch people I love so deeply struggle so much.

I know that I haven't been the best encourager as I've recently felt it difficult to hold my own head above water.

My encouragement attemps usually consist of hugging, listening, nodding and  attempting to interject something of value.  Something like, " just keep swimming"... "I know this is not easy and honestly, it may not get much easier... but it's going to be worth it."

I often feel like a broken record when attempting to communicate something meaningful- since most of my days are spent trying to convince myself of the same 'meaningful' thing.

When bad things happen, when I'm anxious, and tired, and want to knock someone's block off...
When things are unclear and I can't see past the thick fog... I just keep telling myself:

Pray, Pray, Pray.
-Ask for anxieties to be calmed.
-Ask the Lord for wisdom and for encouragment.
-Ask for joy.
-Ask for protection and provision.
-Ask for peace that passes my own understanding.
-Ask for grace.
-Ask for clarity.
-Ask for a thankful heart.

Knock on doors.
Wait to see if they will open and see what happens next.
-That's really all we can do, right?

Rest.
Regroup.
Refill.
Take some time to be quiet, spend time with God and spend time relaxing or having fun with 'comfortable' people who uplift and encourage.

Oh, and...
Sing a peppy song.
They always help to make this heavy heart feel a bit lighter.



It's so incredibly difficult in times of high anxiety and uncertainty to find a true sense of peace and joy.
...and I think that this phase of life in particular tends to make everything a bit "foggy".

It's hard to see the shore. It's hard to trust in the end result.  It's hard to keep going despite feeling so far from home, so far from certainty and comfort, and so exhausted from pressing forward.
But we do.

And God is pleased.

That is success.  Simply making it to the shore.   -Whether swimming, floating, boating or nearly drowing on the way.

We pray through it, work through it and we do our very best.

Well Done- Moriah Peters

Letting Go and Letting God

Lord, I Need You

Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay

--An excellent and powerful reminder for days when you feel like praising
... and for days when your heart feels like a concrete in your chest.

All you can do is release control, aknowledge God's goodness, grace, power, and protection
...pray for peace and wisdom, and consistently remind your mind to have Faith in the Lord's promises.

I often need a daily reminder to release control.
Songs of praise and surrender have this incredible way of calming my anxiety and chipping away at the heavy heart within me.

I hope this song can be the song of your heart today (and everyday) too.
<3

Change

Change. 

I honestly don’t know.  

Actually...

No.  I'm not ever ready for change. 

I'm not going to lie.  I'm freaking out inside! 

Am I ready to move on Saturday?! yes and no. I feel tense and my stomach is in knots just thinking of all the possibilities for trouble.  

I feel as though things are a bit awkward at the office right now  (which is understandable when one only has 2 weeks left).  

I’m nervous about leaving my job and becoming "bored" in my new situation.  (Which I know sounds ridiculous- I will still be working... but it's going to look and be so much different and "boredom" is a legitimate fear of mine.)  

I'm also scared of new anything. period. 

I’m worried about finances and frankly (selfishly)- I’m a bit freaked out about potentially not having the funds to escape for date nights or girls nights etc... which I've been able to do in recent months.  It's been such a huge blessing to be able to hang out and have pleasant communications (on a whim) and after spending the majority of my days with potty-mouths and angsty-pants over the phone. 

All that to say... 

I guess I'm about as "ready" as I'll ever be.   My 'gut' says that moving and a job change is best right now. God has lined everything up to work out as smoothly as possible, so I can't, in good conscience, conclude that my anxiousness is anything other than fear. 

...So I've been praying these words over and over today.   

I keep praying (requesting) that God's will be done in everything that we choose right now, that God would calm my nerves, and orchestrate the final pieces of the puzzle that would help this planner feel a bit better about all the new that's about to happen. 

...and I keep thinking of what God would say if He was trying to ease my fears.

I think He would hold the sides of my shoulders firmly (yet gently),  look me straight in the eye and say something like...

...then He would pull me in close and hug me tightly (just like my Dad would).

 He'd hold me for a second, take a deep breath and then crack a silly joke to make me smile...

... and pull me back in for another firm hug.  I'd use the shoulder of his dad-shirt as a tissue and then I'd feel...  better. 

I have faith that God will provide the means necessary to make this work as well as the  strength and discipline to be alright. 

  

My fears don't come from lack of trust in God's abilities but rather a lack of trust in my own.  (Which, I must say, is probably a very good thing.)

*I mean,  If I was left to my own devices, I'd probably be 800 pounds due to sweet-tea and chocolate chip pancake intake. I would have racked up the national debt in new blouses and I would be spending all my 'free' time at Disney World. - I'm just sayin'.  

... So it's probably best that I don't trust my spontaneous wants all the time.  I know that God would not approve of my financially irresponsible, gluttonous and vain habits. 

We've prayed and consulted, crunched numbers and re-evaluated our goals.

But the question remains:

Are we really willing to risk our comfort and our obvious security in order to follow His direction?  Am I really willing?

Sometimes change (as scary and risky as it may be) is a step towards hope... a step in the right direction. 

Faith.  

Sometimes faith means being still and waiting.  Sometimes faith is risk-taking. 

Faith is always trusting in God's provision and plan (whether waiting or doing).  

Even when we fail, there may be consequences... but God is bigger than all the wrong we are capable of.  We aren't beyond redemption. We aren't beyond repair.   I'm not beyond repair.  As long as we seek Him, he promises that he will direct our paths. 

Will it look the way we originally expected? Maybe not. 

Will we still be okay?  Yes.  

Our God is loving and gracious and merciful. 

I'm praying desperately that God is very merciful with me during these times of adjustment.  Because if I know anything about myself,  I know that I have a really hard time with new things.  

So I'm praying now... before the new begins... that He will give me a thankful and joyful heart and a very flexible attitude.  

I know good things are happening and I'm so excited to see what He has in store for us in the coming months!

Give Me a Sign

Shine-David Crowder
LISTEN

The story of the faithful Christian that called out to God for help during a flood has come to mind a lot in recent weeks.

Though the waters were rising, he didn’t get in the car with his neighbors when they evacuated. He didn’t leave in the canoe. He didn’t get in the police boat. He didn’t climb the latter into the helicopter or grab the hand of the rescuer who climbed down to save him. Instead he consistently said, “No thank you, God will save me.” After a while the man was swept away with the rushing waters and stood before God in Heaven. When in Heaven, the man asked, “I put all of my faith in You. Why didn’t You come and save me?”  And God said, “Son, I sent you a warning. I sent you a car. I sent you a canoe. I sent you a motorboat. I sent you a helicopter. What more were you looking for?”

There comes a point when we can't just wait for what we expect divine intervention to look like.  We have to see the signs right in front of our faces.  Whether these signs come from a pro's and con's list, a perfectly timed (and poignant) conversation, wise counsel, or unexpected (yet extraordinary) events, we have to be able to recognize them when they appear.  

But how can we possibly know (for certain) unless God gives us a verbal confirmation or a flashing billboard? 

We pray.  We pray a lot.  We ask God for guidance every step of the way. 

We apply biblical principles. Is it honest, is is good, pure, loving? Is it wise?

We seek advice from wise counsel. Those who have been there before, those who love God first and foremost and those who have out best interest in mind.

We rely on logic.  God gave us logic and thought for a reason. We crunch numbers, work out possible plans and knock on doors. The rest is up to God.  

We obey. When God closes a door, we don't tantrum outside, we wait and then knock on another.  ...and when we feel as though God is leading us in a particular direction, we step on to the stones He's provided.   

Sometimes things just fall into place and we have this amazing 'gut' feeling that things are as they should be.  We've also probably experienced that feeling of utter anxiousness at one time or another.  ...You know, the kind that leaves a knot in your stomach or keeps you up thinking at night.  
Our decision-making, at that point, often comes down to intuition (or conscience and conviction).  We weight our feelings against logic, our short-term goals against long-term goals, and we ask ourselves if the risk is really worth it? Shall we take the path of least resistance, the narrow road, or just stand still for a while longer? 

And sometimes, we simply have to learn that...

If God hasn't opened doors in a certain direction or seemed to slam a previously open door, perhaps it's because He's about to clear another path.

Feeling and Dealing

I know that I haven't had many encouraging words to say recently or interesting blog posts...

I just want to say that it isn't because I'm not happy. It's not because I'm horribly disinterested in maintaining 'normal' life like I've done for the past year, nearly.  I'm still living with great hope regarding the future.  But it feels as though a piece is missing, even though I never "knew the difference".  It feels like a little hope was stolen. It hurts to have to live "normally" when I know that this year would have been so different and it hurts to think that God would introduce something so special just to take it away. That's what I've been struggling with most. 

I've been actively trying to 'feel and deal' instead of pushing everything down or becoming numb like I did before. 

I've wanted to write something lovely and heartfelt and meaningful for weeks now... 

but nothing comes out right when it comes to this.  

There are so many thoughts and feelings in my head regarding the past year.  Those feelings piled on top of past hurts, plans, and current worries make it really difficult to differentiate things.  ...And since I can't seem to explain how I'm feeling and I typically end up talking in circles, I thought I'd share some excerpts from articles and stories from blogs I've been reading.  

I might seem ridiculous reading this from the perspective of someone else or from some random 'how-to' type article, but I think these excerpts sum up many of the emotions I've had over the last several months.  Amy went through a similar situation... and I think her thoughts and explanation closely resembles mine. 

Miscarriage is different than losing any other person in my life.  As soon as I see those "two lines," I am imagining this new child: will it be a boy or girl?  Will they have my dark hair and eyes or my husband's light hair and eyes?  What will they like to do?  Sports, music, writing, math?  Will they like to snuggle or will they prefer to roughhouse and play around? 

When I see those "two lines," I am automatically thinking nine months ahead and preparing my mind to add this child to our family. I am thinking of getting the carseat ready, the crib ready, the clothes ready…  So many thoughts and hopes and questions and plans. Despite not being prepared timing wise, I was so excited to learn more about this little one we made. 

When the miscarriage happens, I do not have a child to hold and say goodbye to, I do not have a funeral I can sense some closure from, and I don't have all the support from everyone around me to get me through the difficult time.

I recently talked with another friend about this experience, and we talked about how we have this cultural thing where we don't tell anyone we're pregnant (except very close family and friends) until we're 12 weeks along when the "risk" is gone. . .I wonder why we do that?  If a miscarriage happens, don't we want the support?  Isn't that the time when we go through such awful morning sickness and worry that we would appreciate the help?  These really are just musings because I was the same way. . .don't tell anyone that isn't super close until 12 weeks; looking back, maybe if I had done things differently, it would have been easier.  

Those who have been through this particular trial were those I was so grateful to have around me.  After my first miscarriage, I had a friend (who had been through a miscarriage herself not long before) bring me flowers and dinner when she found out.  It was so nice to feel someone knew what an empty space we felt and that flowers really were appropriate--you send flowers to a funeral, don't you?  I feel a miscarriage is the same thing: even if we never met the person, we grieve for them and feel a great sense of loss.

Someone brought me flowers when they found out, which I thought was so incredibly sweet and really thoughtful. It meant a lot.  It might sound odd, but I do think that it was good and necessary for me to have this finally feel like a loss, like a death that was 'worthy' of support  ...not just a bad dream or bad day to just 'get over'.   For so long I convinced myself that it was silly, in hopes of protecting my heart.

I really needed for this hurt to be validated, and still do. After all, I value life from conception, why wouldn't this be considered a loss?  I never want to feel like the loss of a baby (no matter how small) is silly or not worth being sad or disappointed about. 

Anyway, I found this article about unplanned pregnancy and miscarriage also...  It echoes some of the feelings I have had as well.  (Despite being unplanned, I did want this baby ...just didn't know what to do with the timing and finances)

"Many women bond with their baby early on in the pregnancy, and will feel incredibly sad that they will never know this child. 

She may feel the miscarriage is somehow her "fault" because the pregnancy was unplanned or unwanted. 

Women who were not planning a pregnancy may wonder how and why they became pregnant in the first place. 

Women who were not anticipating having a baby at this time in their life may simply feel guilty...  as though somehow everyone knows that they lost a baby they never wanted in the first place (this was one of the main reasons I didn't tell for so long) and that all other mothers or women who want to be mothers are censuring them... " 


These excerpts were from an article regarding both "unplanned" and "unwanted" pregnancies... which, despite being unplanned (in our case),  I still wanted very much. 

It's amazing how much love you can feel when that test says positive, even when it's a surprise.  It's incredible how many plans and hopes and wishes you have for someone you've never even met. It's been specifically difficult to be without any tangible reminders, keepsakes or photos.  

...until now, which leads me to my next post. 

New Year, New Page.

I'd like to get a certain something off my heart... now that a new year has come and things have settled down a bit.

This isn't going to be poetic or beautiful or meaningful, I'm sure... I apologize in advance for the length of this post.  Forgive me if this doesn't come out right and if I sound horrible or crazy. I just want to/need to put this out there so maybe my heart will have a chance to heal and my mind can 'let go' ...and perhaps allow some folks to be a bit more understanding and 'tender' with me.

There are days when, honestly, I don't think about it.  Luckily, for me, I definitely don't have the emotional burden of 'emptiness' (as she calls it) and loss like my sister-in-law, Sarah.  I haven't met and lost and I haven't known anything different than the family 'normal' that I've known for the last couple years...   which, I know, must be a blessing.

But there have been several (no, many) instances in the last year (especially recently) when I just can't keep myself from falling into these huge waves of emotion.  I can't seem to pull myself out of this pool of anger and jealousy, guilt, regret and mostly disappointment.

With Josh and Sarah's announcement in April, news of a baby girl, Evie's birth in early November, Evie's arrival in heaven and her memorial celebration...  and many more baby hopes and announcements from close friends and couples my age,  I can't possibly keep shoving everything down.  I think I made it through this year pretty well (at least until the holidays and until things settled down).

...But I've been watching kids play and mommas snuggle their little ones. I've been playing with toddlers, going to showers, and talking about pregnancy with friends, and even helping to announce pregnancy...  and it's kills me inside ...because I lied. And I know that's my fault.

I said it was was one false positive.  I lied.  It wasn't... it was three. Three, very seemingly real, positives in a few day span.

And by my calculations, our little one should have made his or her arrival sometime in late October or Early November.  I'm almost certain that we got pregnant in the first couple weeks of February, right around the time that my hormones were getting back to 'normal' after a bout with thyroiditis and after a birth-control switch.  But something was still 'off'.

March- 
After much prodding at work due to my co-workers confidence in my pregnancy symptoms, I took a test just to make sure.  Faint double line.  No! What?!...clearly my hormones are just crazy.  We've been really careful.

I picked up a two pack of tests this time and I waited through the longest day of my life.  Faint double line.  So I waited (an excruciating) couple more days and took the second test, Positive.  Double lines. There it was.

My first reaction:
The girls at work were right?!  Ohmygosh! A baby! I love babies!  Our baby. <3

My day 2 reaction:
Complete PANIC.

I had -just- spent the last few months focusing on how difficult life would be financially if we were to have a surprise baby.  I -just- spoke to a few close friends about my worries and our plans days ago. I was just talking about how I wish we could start a family but how stressed I was about loan debt and housing and ...everything really.  I was just talking about how I'm not ready yet.  I'm not stable enough, energetic enough, healthy enough.

...
What will Jed say?  He's not going to know what to do. He's going to be angry.  I might watch him have a panic attack right here, right now.  He doesn't want this yet... he's made that clear.  I didn't sneakily try this.  I do want this so much but I'm so petrified of what all this means.

Jed is so busy right now preparing for this huge work event, I can't put this on him now.  He might seriously lose his mind.  He will definitely lose his concentration.  I might lose my mind.

What am I supposed to do? Who do I tell first?  I tell Jed first  ...but I can't tell him yet.  Too much stress.  It's got to be pretty early (I think).  Should I make an appointment? But I shouldn't/can't take more time off work for this. I've been to the doctor about a million times over hormone stuff and birth control recently.

Should I be celebrating? Planning?  Where will we put her/him... in a sock drawer?

Why now, God?  We don't even have our own place. We just started new jobs. We just started this young adults thing... 

Okay, settle. Keep it together.

Keep it a secret until Jed's work thing settles down. Find a good time and then... a talk.  Jed will understand.  He loves me. These things happen.


...
He will be a wonderful dad. He will adjust and he will be responsible and love like no other.

Maybe it's a blessing. What am I talking about?! It is a blessing. It's what I want so badly.  I just wish timing was different and finances were better. A baby. *Sigh* A family ... just like I've always dreamed of and prayed for.

Well, I prayed that someday I could get pregnant. Obviously God thinks now is an appropriate time. Okay, God.  We can do this.  We are married adults. We will make it work, whatever it takes. We will love him/her so much. We may not have the 'ideal' financial situation.  But then again, who does?  I may not be able to stay at home but...  it will be okay. God won't give us more than we can handle, right?

Everything will be okay.  I'll tell Jed soon.  Lets jut get past this week and next... and I'll find a time after all the work chaos ends. 

...
March 28-
I'm really hoping this is 'normal'...

March 30-
Apparently telling won't be necessary.  Pain, horrible cramps, can barely walk.

April 5-
Ultrasound.
Confirmed.  No baby.

SHUT DOWN.
Back to work.

...
All this worry and planning, emotion and mental chaos for what?  ...For a let-down like this?!!!! I already let it sink into my heart, God!

How could you let me want this, God!  ...I didn't even know how much until (I thought) you showed me.  But now what? You're going to take this away?

Stop it, Lauren. You can't get angry over something you weren't completely sold-out about to begin with.  Just pack it away.  It stays a secret.  No one else needs to know anyway. After all, it's my stupid body, my stupid emotions. Keep yourself under control.

...
Just be grateful.  Nothing has changed, right?  Proceed as usual.
If I focus on normal things then surely this disappointment will go away. It was just weeks ago when I didn't know any different.

Keep busy. Just keep busy. 

Oh good, new things on the horizon. Party planning, new job.  I can erase this whole thing from my mind.

...
April 7-
Finally something to celebrate!  Teresa's Birthday. This will get my mind off things. :) Fun planning and fun times.

Surprise!
... Josh and Sarah are having another baby.
...a little over 6 weeks along.

I should have been about 10 weeks right now and should have been able to confidently announce it in just another 2 weeks or so.

Seriously, God?! How can you be so cruel?
How am I supposed to be joyful with them?

I feel so stupid for hoping. I should have known better.  Why am I so emotional over something so small, something so 'unimportant' to everyone else.  Something no one else even knows about.  It should be unimportant to me too. I'm so stupid.

Oh God!  That's what it was...
I didn't want this baby enough.
Or maybe I wanted it too much?  For the wrong reasons? God, I don't know.

...Because I didn't love her/him the whole time.  I didn't plan it and didn't 'take care' of him or her well enough.  It's because I didn't tell Jed.  It's because I waited to say something.  I waited too long. This is punishment for lying.    Ashamed.

Some people say that "unplanned" and "unwanted" are interchangeable.  So... I unwanted this kid right out of being.

Guilty.
Disappointed.
Betrayed.
Jealous.

Numb.


July-
It's a girl.
Boiling.
Jealous. Angry. Betrayed.

Horrible news.
I take it back... I'm not jealous. Not really, God.  A niece would be nice.
God, I didn't mean this. What are you doing?!
You are making a complete mess of hearts! How could any of this possibly be good, how could this possibly be helpful, useful?

Wow. Yet another layer of confusion on top of an already broken 'hope'.

Public blog posts and lots of support.
I want that.
God, I need to release all this... this anxiety.  I need someone to know. I need someone to understand.

It's not your time now. You've missed your chance to be comforted.  It's not a big deal,  especially now.  This only hurts you anyway, don't be so selfish.

But I still need some comfort and I have to tell Jed.  I feel so guilty.

...So I tell a half truth.

"I got a positive pregnancy test a while ago...  I didn't tell you. I'm sorry."
"What?..."  " You're pr..."
"No. I'm not."
...
...
"It was probably a false positive. Your hormones have been crazy"
"Right."   ..."It was probably just a mistake"
...
...
"You were excited, weren't you? ... I'm sorry, baby."


...
Its rare to get false positives, but not impossible, right?
That's all it was. Just a mistake.  Just a stupid misunderstanding on my part.

Pack it down, again.


...
Babies. Babies, everywhere!  I don't have a baby.  I'm just hormonal and crazy and fat and baby-less. My horrible uterus can't even keep something precious safe for more than a couple of months. Pathetic.

Excellent.
Mother's day. Awkward.
A sweet card from someone who understands... but doesn't even know that they do.  <3


August, September-
We should be celebrating perfectly big bellies. Instead, new clothing because of hormonal weight. Instead, grief.

Waiting.  Just get past this.... focus on encouraging the ones who are really hurting.
I don't need to grieve something that isn't as real or visible.

October-
Rain.
Lots of physical pains.
Can't help but feel as though this should be for a purpose this month. I wish this agony had a baby joy at the end.
Empty. Secretly.


November-
Confused. Angry. Waiting ....for the next heartbreaking thing.
So much sadness.
and yet, still wishing for our own "celebration", birthday song, family gathering.
Death. Tears. Morning.
Mourning.
Wishing cousins could be close. Wishing I could fix it all, take back my initial thoughts.

Detach to survive.

So many people pull together.  Everyone has been so involved, so supportive.  They've all been waiting and praying, hoping and preparing and encouraging.
Grief and Emptiness.
Except everyone feels empty.

New fears.
Overwhelmed. Weary. Silent.

...Waiting for God to fill the gaps.  To raise the clouds of uncertainty and sadness and bring about the 'happy' again.

Thanksgiving-  
Grateful for Evie.

Christmas- 
Escape to PA. No consistent reminders.

December 31-
25 now.  Not old, just hurting.
...Just thought I'd have a 'special' birthday this year and there would be 'special' holiday celebrations for everyone.

'Accidents' don't usually happen twice.  We definitely won't be parents for quite a while now.
Lots of tears.

2013-
Angry.
...Because I'm hurt and jealous. Because I feel betrayed.

I can't keep doing this.  I can't be angry. No, I can't be boiling inside. I want to be happy.
But how?

Isn't it obvious?

Now- 
I know I need to tackle my emotions and kill the anger and jealousy at the source.
I want this year to be good, on track... and I don't want to keep carrying this burden.

So I'm putting it out in the open.
Not for drama, not for 'fussing'...
just for my own sanity.


Please, don't ask and please don't make it a 'thing'.
Just know. 

And please pray for me too.
I know my situation doesn't compare at all to the grief and suffering of those around me...  I know there isn't a face to put to this...  and this kind of thing happens to everyone...
but still, please pray for my heart.
<3

I'm eager for a fresh page and new hopes.

I confess. I've been terrible. I've been angry and jealous and guilty... and I know I caused it.
...and I don't want 2013 to continue on the same path.

God, please, I'm willing...    Renew my mind and mend my heart. 

<3 Lauren

Still

The Still After the Storm

When things have settled down dramatically...
but your heart is still hurting...

and you feel:
fragile
lonely
empty
and
exhausted

Be Still.  

be weak. be silent. be alone.

relax
rest
be calm
...just float.

Rest in theOne who will always be.

Just listen.

Be Still- The Fray

Decembers Prayers

I truly don't have the words to explain all the things my mind has been mulling over in recent weeks. Everything from death, to life, to mother-daughter relationships, sibling relationships, past, present, family plans, finances, friends, ministry, health, work...   So much has happened.  What a blessing-filled month. What a chaotic and heart-breaking time too.

I'm so blessed. So blessed with wonderful, wonderful friends and family.

If you think of it, though...   I would really appreciate prayer.

When my family and friends feel 'whole' and purposeful and joyful, I feel joyful.  And many of my closest friends have been really struggling lately and others are entering very hard times of adjustment.

I just wanted to request that you pray with me for a couple of people who keep coming to my mind ...and that you'd also pray for my heart to be strong and my mouth and actions, encouraging to others.

***
Jed. For his relationship with God through uncertain times with conflicting priorities.  That God will direct his path and give him clarity of mind in decision making, goal setting and planning. That he will have a good male influence that has been in a situation (in some way) similar to ours (financially) so he can gain perspective from someone other than family and his wife. For job security and hopefully a chance for pay increase (at some point) so we can plan for family.  For schooling opportunities, studying, testing, time management.  For our relationship.    ...waiting for updates ;)

Emily.  That God will orchestrate a job opportunity, housing etc... at the right time, at the right place and with the people that her heart needs. That God will give her clarity and give her the desires of her heart. 

Gila.  That God will allow her move to Nebraska to be as 'smooth' as possible.  For courage, boundaries, lots of patience and compassion when learning life in a new place with new (and very close) family.  For a new job that she enjoys. For her marriage and everything that comes with adjustment.

April.  For encouragement during very difficult, physically painful times. That God will provide outlets for her and opportunities to connect with others. That God will heal her of her pains and give the doctors wisdom and clear direction in making her well.  

Sarah. For continued peace. For strength to face the challenges to come and for lots of patience and energy to soak in time with family before change occurs.  For continued influence on the hearts of the children she teaches. They love her so much. 

Mariah.  For acceptance, love and quality time with people who encourage her.  For patience and joy through always challenging teen years.  That she seeks God and is obedient despite feelings. For the ability to be respectful, tactful and loving to those around her.  To be a good influence on her friends and be surrounded by good influences.

Sarah.  That she can keep putting one foot in front of the other as she mourns her loss. That she will continue clinging to God's promises.  And that she will have the clarity of thought and mind so that she can keep up with day to day things and continue to love on others. 

Whitney. That God gives her strength and energy to tend to her active family while her other half is away. And that she will feel loved and not lonely while her husband is away. 

LaVon. For peace and clarity and for her to make wise choices that impact her financial, relational, spiritual, emotional, mental well-being. For energy and for patience when parenting a teenager. For emotional comfort.

Elaine. For a smooth transition into a new living envoronment. That she will find emotional stability and feel secure, safe and happy in her new home. That she will still be able to enjoy 'childhood' and also adjust to the responsibilities and decisions that come with adulthood. For wisdom, peace and courage as she faces difficult people and mixed emotions.

Teresa.  For health and well-being physically as she tends to those who are sick and hurting around her.  For energy and patience as she helps with church and mothers her kids. For comfort through loss.  

Lauren.  For new babies and toddlers and the joys and challenges they bring.  For energy and understanding and peace during transitions and learning. 

Jerika.  For her pregnancy, job, finances, health and will-power in making wise choices. I'm so proud of the choices she's been making... and I pray that others will see what I do. 

Mary. That she will continue to seek God in everything she does, including friendships and relationships.  For growing pains that come with adjusting to adulthood.  For clarity of mind when making choices and planning for the future.  

For friends who have recently lost loved ones, who are in school, who are healing from emotional wounds. For daily life after tragedy. For friends who are looking for employment, who are far away from home, who are missing their loved ones and keeping things a float. For friends who selflessly serve and love others even when the feel as though they have nothing left to give. For those who are making choices regarding their futures and the lives of their little ones. For those experienceing financial troubles and job difficulties. For those who influence others on a daily basis, that they would maintain a 'right' attitude and firm standards along with compassion.  For good health and answers to ongoing medical issues. For travel and safety. For encouragement and purpose during times when nothing seems to be in focus and nothing seems to work out as planned.  For hope in times when planning can't be done.  

...There are so may blogs I'd like to post ...but these are just a few that I try to keep up with and/or people I try to keep up with regularly.

Thank you, friends.

My heart hurts for those I love ...and certainly I'm not strong enough, powerful enough or energized enough to fix the issues at hand. So instead, I simply surrender.  It's a moment by moment thought process.  Worry, fear, uncertainty, growing pains, loss, love, sickness, exhaustion, loneliness ...give it to God.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, if you are worried or heartbroken or exhausted.  You are being faithful when you  surrender it all to God.  He's got you. You may not see it yet and you probably don't 'feel' it yet.... but he's shaping your for something. He's making something lovely. So hang in there.  You are going to make it through.

I will leave you with a song that's been on my heart...
Surrender- Vineyard


-Lauren

Direction

These things consistently keep fluttering around in my brain while laying in bed, when I’m getting ready in the morning, when I drive to work, when I’m cleaning up, when I attend showers and graduations, when I think of applying for jobs or look at our student loan bills…  some of which truly weigh heavily on my heart, a some are just brief moments of question and concern. I try to keep these feelings and thoughts at bay by focusing on God’s truth, His promises, His blessings in my life and my own responsibility for keeping my emotions in check. But this has been my recent journey and conversation with God…

God,

I really feel “misled” sometimes. I say this because it’s the only way I know how to. You obviously know my flaws. You know I'm capable of being stubborn and lazy and mean at times. But you, of all people, also know how much my heart desires you. You know how much I love you and how many times, despite mental/emotional chaos, I’ve still trusted. I have security in knowing you’ll never leave me or forsake me and for that I’m so grateful. You are always ‘there’ for me (here for me) when I need you most. There are definitely days though, when despite searching and seeking and praying, I don’t feel a clear answer from you.

I also wonder why (when you have presented me with a clear answer) you can be so quick to take it away.  It hurts so badly sometimes and it makes me question, not necessarily your goodness, but your direction in my life.  More so than that, it makes me question my ability to interpret your direction. How am I to know if I’m on the right track if it feels as though the leading that I’ve been following has had less than desirable ramifications?

I think (and thought) that I've done almost everything in my power to make wise choices. I seek wise (biblical) counsel, most with differing opinions.  I’ve tried to fill my mind with your truth. I’ve talked to you consistently, gotten involved and made steps toward seemingly open doors. So, what am I missing?

Jed say’s ‘patience’
…I need to learn patience, but I know it’s much deeper than that. I’ve been very patient before. I am capable of waiting and hoping. You saw me do it for years. You know that it’s not the waiting that I’m afraid of, it's waiting that won't lead to clarity.  

I suppose that I'm supposed to stay where I am right now, until you show me otherwise.  But I’m frightened by the idea that when you finally do show me, I will love it... If I'm too comfortable or want it too much, then you’ll take it away...  and my heart will be broken, yet again.  I know it’s a ridiculous fear (so selfish and over the top perhaps) but I end up fighting that feeling all the time.

I also can’t help but feel as though I've gotten reprimanded for following what I truly thought was your direction.  Like... going to college.  A big, no huge, “step if faith” in the financial department has left us in quite a predicament. Like, working really hard and then getting physically sick and tired.  Like... finally getting position within my field and then getting sick again. I could barely focus and my hormones were out of control.  Like... having surprise positive pregnancy test and then… no baby. What does it mean? How am I supposed to feel? What conclusions should I draw?

Were those things wrong?  In those cases, was the hardship a consequence of not following your direction well enough or was it simply a test?  Was it because I wasn't thankful or excited enough?   I really thought you led me in all of those things. I really did do what I thought was best, according to the information I had.

It's hard to see your perfect timing in it all when you seem to specifically allow something, but take it away. (Even if it's just the hope of something). I know it’s not much to pay in light of the incredible blessings you give,  but even the slightest dissolution of these hopes can really begin to break down the spirit.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be ‘sure’ about decisions again, full-knowing that you’ve orchestrated it all. I felt it when meeting and marrying Jed.  I knew, without a doubt, that we were best for each other, best with each other, and that we could serve you well as a team. But God, I’m so desperate for peace now too. I’m desperate to feel hopeful and at ease with choices and/or with standing still, if that’s what you want from me.

I haven’t lost hope though, and fear hasn’t overcome me. But God, I’m having a hard time feeling at peace. I'm so anxious. I know your truth, and I do believe it.  I’ve clung tightly to your truth this long and I’m so grateful that you’ve always brought me back to you when I decided to wander.  You delivered me when things completely crumbled and I’m so grateful for the blessings you’ve given me. These ridiculous girl feelings make it hard to function sometimes though. Mental chaos isn’t very becoming for a lady following after you.  It’s not that you feel distant or uncaring, God, just vague.

Masters degrees, masters degree, new jobs, family planning,  save money, spend money, pay more, enjoy some now or always plan for later?   ...So many questions.

I really need clarity of mind and heart. I know it’s a lot to ask, and it takes a lot of work on my end... but I know you are more than capable.  I’m trusting that your plan is perfect, that you are teaching me, growing me, making me new, and whole, and lovely. I’m trusting that instead of taking a 'step of faith', that my 'lack of stepping' will prove to be most faithful in our situation. 

I think you are telling me to wait. I don't feel peaceful about spending any more money and I don'twant to make the same 'mistakes' as before (regarding loan debt).  I think you are allowing this anxiety within me in order to (subtly or maybe not so subtly) show me your timing.

Please help me know that you are concerned about the seemingly small things in my life. They compile to make quite a mess in my mind.  I know others are dealing with pain and grief and uncertainty and they desperately need you, but I need to know you are small enough to tend to my heart and big enough to tend to those I love too. Help me see the obvious and give me the clarity I'm so desperate for.

Please know that I’m so grateful. I trust you. I love you. And I’m hanging on to your every word.

<3 Me

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; Psalm 37-23
 

And the Spirit of the Lord shall rest upon him, the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord.  Isaiah 11:2

Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O Lord, and whom you teach out of your law, to give him rest from days of trouble, until a pit is dug for the wicked. For the Lord will not forsake his people; he will not abandon his heritage;  Psalm 94:12-14

 The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord. All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit. Proverbs 16:1-2

She does not ponder the path of life; her ways wander, and she does not know it. Proverbs 5:6

 The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks justice. The law of his God is in his heart; his steps do not slip. Psalm 37:30-31