Little Notes for Little Eli -Part 5

5/13
Baby Boy,

We are getting the best, cutest, most fantastic stuff!  
You now have a sweet little bed courtesy of all your wonderful grandparents (Mama, Papa, Granny, Grandaddy and Nana!)... a happy little elephant friend (thanks Mama), cute clothes from your Aunts and other "Aunts".  You are one loved little dude!

You are going to be well-rested AND super stylish ;)

Love you,
Mom

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5/14
Wild-Child,

Daddy felt you moving around last night! You have been quite busy rolling around and stretching I'm guessing because I'll feel you on one side and another at the same time.  It's really quite funny. The sensation is pretty awesome -although I do feel a little like I belong in a sci-fi movie some days. ;)
It's extra cool though to feel you on the outside.  For a few days I would think I could feel you on the outside of my belly but just wasn't sure if it was just my mind playing tricks on me, since I could feel you inside too.  But alas, I told your dad to just rest his hand for a minute and sure enough you were busy enough to punch him a few times.

Loving the constant reminder that you are with me,
Mom

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5/16
Little Mister,

We didn't have to go to work today!  We really love having a day off, with no commitments sometimes!

The sweetest thing happened this morning. Every morning before your daddy leaves for work, he wakes me up with kisses and we share a quick- "I love you... Have a good day" and he's off to work. This morning, he kissed me, and he kissed you and told you that he loves you too. You rolled around twice and then back to sleep you went.
I just can't wait to see you in his new daddy arms, Eli.  He has already fallen head over heels for you, little guy. I can only imagine how great you both will be together once you are here! <3
So looking forward to September!

<3 Mommy

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5/19
Precious Resident,

I hope you are enjoying your spacious living quarters for now. Your neighbors have been concerned about your constant late night activities, however. Could try and keep the stomach punching to a minimum between the hours of 10 pm and 7 am?  I know you enjoy practicing your martial arts, but momma's left side is beginning to feel bruised from all the action.

 <3 Your Loving Landlord

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5/20

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5/25
Little man,
What a weekend we had!

Your Aunt Sarah headed up hosting and planning a special shower to celebrate you this Saturday. It was beautiful, and sweet, and oh-so-classy.  There were adorable decorations, a photo wall with fun props, tables with lovely centerpieces, clever games, a mashed potato bar, tasty snacks and an amazing strawberry shortcake flavored elephant cake. Deeeeelicious! 

Our family and friends (Nana, Aunt Mariah, Grandma, Granny, Grandaddy, Grammy, Aunt Emily and Aunt Kristen and Uncle Jason) drove from out of state to visit with us, battling Memorial day traffic and eager ticket-giving police officers along the way.  ;)

So many of our wonderful friends and family decorated and crafted, spent time celebrating with smiles and good food, game-played and gift-gave, sent cards and packages and made our weekend super special!  We got some of the cutest and best gifts imaginable too! I just can't wait to wrap you in soft blankets, dress you up in cute outfits, diaper you, feed you, give you baths, read books, take you on car rides and walks, and watch you play.

We are very loved, Eli. Can you feel it?
You are going to love our Avalon family and your out-of-town family too!

<3
Mommy
 
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5/26
Sweet Boy,

We spent a bit of time in the hospital early in this morning. Momma wasn't feeling so fantastic all evening, with some pretty solid back pain and cramps, so I finally gave in and called the doctor. She told me to come right in to be checked out at labor and delivery. Thankfully you seem to be quite okay and bumping around like crazy in there. Despite some steady contractions (maybe caused by dehydration and a "super-sensitive uterus" -according to the Doctor) nothing progressed past discomfort and you seem to be safe and sound for now. Thank the Lord!

--You need to bake quite a bit longer, so Daddy and I were quite relieved to hear that you weren't on your way yet!  We love you lots and are excited to meet you... but don't want you to make an appearance for quite a while, okay?

Love Always,
Mom and Dad

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5/27
Just you, me, and Maestro.

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6/1
Little Lounger,
 
Firstly, we did it!  We passed our RAM exam!  What a relief. Great job, Baby.  Thanks for not making Momma's brain go too fuzzy during classes.

Also, we have been spending a lot of time in bed over the last few days. We go to work, come home, lay down (or make a nest on the couch), try to eat something, drink masses of water, and just hang out.

We've watched a lot of movies, and gotten our fill of the Big Bang theory and Law and Order and all sorts of other ridiculous TV shows.  We have also been crafting up a storm! We have this system worked out.  I pick something up, ask you a question like, "Eli, should we use this scrapbook paper or try another one? -- Kick once for yes and twice for no." You tend to be pretty decisive but sometimes our system gets a bit messed up when you are busy practicing Karate ...or maybe you are just tired of all the questions?

Thanks for relaxing with me,
Mom

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6/3
Eli,

We had an important appointment today. We needed to make sure that my recent discomforts were not hurting you or causing you to come too early. God certainly answered our prayers.  We had a very kind and understanding doctor that helped put our mind at ease. She explained a lot of things, took the time to listen to our concerns, and even explained some of her own experiences with pregnancy which, in a lot of ways, mirrored my own.

We still have to be very, very, careful... drink water like a fish and rest all the time to keep things at bay ...but I have faith that we will make it, kid! You are totally worth it.

^^I feel like we grew a lot this past week!^^

Love you,
Mom and Dad

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6/11
My Little Man,

We just finished putting stamps on our Thank You notes! We are still collecting a few addresses but... it feels good to get some important things accomplished and show our lovely friends and family our gratitude!

Mama and Papa helped us put up a shelf in your nursery area tonight! And Mama helped me finally get some pictures and mirrors up on the wall in the cottage.  It feel much cozier and homier now.  I've been desperately wanting to 'nest' and organize and beautify everything, so its incredibly nice to finally have some things set up and ready!

Also we are so very excited for your cousin Joci's arrival sometime in the next few weeks! We are praying for a very healthy girl and a healthy Aunt Sarah and a nice, smooth, delivery!  You are just going to love your big-boy cousin Micah too.  I'm sure he will teach you lots of cool things!

Love you bunches and bunches,
<3 Mommy

Little Notes for Little One - Part 1

1/5
Little One,

I can't stop staring at the test that told me that "I" am a "we".
<3

Your uncle Luke was hanging out on our couch and your daddy was laying on the loveseat when I found out that we would have you.  I really didn't expect to get such a wonderful answer and I couldn't contain myself! -- I always assumed that my announcement to your daddy would be a private and very special time (and it was special) --but funny since we were silently celebrating in the bathroom (so your uncle wouldn't hear about you) when those 2 pink lines made their appearance.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about you.  I wonder how tiny you are and what to expect when we will finally get to see you (via ultrasound). I can't wait to heart your little heart beating. I've been praying hard that you are growing strong.  I can't wait to find out everything about you!

Today your daddy and I talked quite a bit about what we are going to do to prepare for you.   I can't help but smile and want to jump around the room. --I won't be jumping though. I want you to stay snuggled right where you belong. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.

I can't wait to meet you! I just. can't. wait.  I have waited for you for (what seems like) an eternity.  I'm so happy that your daddy is so happy! I want to shout it from the rooftops and tell everyone I meet how excited I am and how special you are. But for now, you are our special secret.

Until we meet, <3
Mommy
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1/10

Sweets,

I'm worried, I'm really worried.  All of a sudden, tonight, in the quiet-- while sifting through (yet again) "what to expect" sites and blogs --I realized how truly worried I am about you.  About losing you.

Obviously I don't 'know' you yet... We haven't spoken, and we haven't "met".  You haven't heard my voice or your dad's. We haven't heard you cry or felt you move --but I love you. So much. And every creative baby announcement pin and every online ultrasound photo and weekly baby calendar remind me how fragile you are and how afraid I am of not being able to completely protect you.  

My heart is racing and I can't make it stop. I want you. I want you. I want you. I'm praying so hard that God lets me have you and keep you and watch you grow.

Giving your life to my Father and yours,   
<3 Mom
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1/21
Little One, 

Your Nana and Aunt Mariah, Granny and Grandaddy, Mama and Papa and your Uncle Luke, Josh, and Aunt Sarah know about you now!  It's been hard keeping my excitement in... but also hard to tell such a special secret because, to be honest, I'm a bit fearful. It was so worth it though.  You are going to be so loved. You are already so, so, loved!

Can't wait for you to meet these awesome people,
Mom
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1/29
Silly Little Thing, 

I ended up telling my boss about you today... because recently you've been making my brain go all kinds of fuzzy! -- and wow, so tired. (I could fall asleep standing up or sitting at my desk. We need to pay the bills so I'm looking forward to this phase being over ...but quite happy because, I assume, that all this means you're going to grow well because these hormones are working well! ;)

Silly thing,
Love you.

Mom

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1/30
Crazy Kid, 

Well, apparently you don't like Chicken (of any kind or any smell) and you've decided you like grape flavored fruit gummies. Odd... considering I don't like grape anything. -- you are your father's child ;) Oh, and mashed potatoes and cranberry juice seem to make you quite happy right now. So we have gotten a buffet of potato and cranberry products for you over the next few weeks.

--You'll probably be a 10 lb baby at this rate ;)

Love You,
Mom

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2/1
Sweetheart, 

We saw you for the very first time today. It was amazing! I had hoped and prayed that we would be able to hear your tiny heart beating... and we did! 

You sounded like a little wooshing freight train.  It was strong enough that we heard it very easily, even though it's so early on. It felt like a huge hug from God. Incredible. He knew how much I wanted to hear you.

I cried and your dad just beamed. We couldn't resist recording that sweet little heart of yours.  I've been listening to it all day. -- and probably will for quite some time.

We also told "the world" that you are joining our family!  Again, you are very loved, Little One. <3

You Daddy is so in love with you too... I can tell. He was telling his gaming friends today that he was going to be a dad and was just beaming when he was recapping for me. 

Always-Always,
Mommy (& Daddy)

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2/7/14
Well kiddo,

Momma seems to be sick.  Apparently your dad and I both got some sort of cold that won't take the hint and move along.  I'm really hoping that my normal nausea and super-sniffer-senses are the only things I have to worry about in the near future.

Apparently you're an indecisive little thing. ;) We have a fridge full of food but we don't like cranberry juice anymore and we don't like any form of meat.  Some of it smells so good... but these crazy taste-buds of ours seem to only taste/smell barn animals or canned tuna (weird). Not so appetizing.  We do like sweet pickles and vanilla ice cream - but not together -- We aren't that cliche ;)  We also really like apples... well, when the tartness doesn't make us gag.

Your dad has been good to us though... bringing us flat ginger ale and opening an obnoxious pickle jar of doom. -- and telling he loves us, even when one of us looks like we've been punched in the eyes and nose a few times.  You are just going to love your dad, little one. Seriously.  It's going to be hard to compete with that guy.  ;)

So that's the update.  I've been praying for you as you grow!  I've been feeding us lots of vitamins -- maybe you and I will be feeling better in no time!

<3,
Mom

Our 2013 Journey

2013. Quite a year for our little family of 2...

Close to the start of the year, we went to Florida for a wedding. I got to see some of Jed's family, I had never met before. We were able to spend time with Dave and Teresa (for the first time) outside of normal, day-to-day, activities in Virginia Beach.  I loved that. It was so interesting to see family with family too-- they are a bit crazy/quirky ;) I really like them. Also, I met Ariel at Disney World and ate a ridiculous amount of theme park food. A memorable trip, I'd say.

We moved out of the Rieke cottage and into our first apartment in Norfolk at the end of February. I learned a ton about myself and about my new job after getting thrown into the deep end of apartment management and becoming a rarely-leave-home resident manager. Jed began his second year with The Center and made it through another great symposium. It's always exhausting and time consuming, but incredibly rewarding for all his hard work to finally come together.

We made it nearly 6 months at Pleasant Village, which is certainly a miracle in my book. The amount of stress in that position was quite difficult. We absolutely loved our neighborhood and our wonderful summer strolls on the bay, though. We couldn't really make ends meet with the pay and time constraints of the job so... in August we made another change... mostly for sanity's sake and for the sake of our bank account.

Through a strange, and wonderful, turn of events (while we were looking for new housing options in Virginia Beach in August) I heard of another property manager/assistant manager position with my (now) new company. I started at Shoreline on September 1st and, frankly, I couldn't have been placed with a better manager or in a better position. I don't make millions, but I certainly am happy with this job.  I imagine it will turn out to be more of a career.  I would have never guessed that property administration and management would be such a great fit overall.

In the same month as our second move of the year, Jed gained a new boss at The Center. Jed handled the transition incredibly well. Not only did The Center's management change, but many of their goals and visions. It was not an easy adjustment for Jed, who truly loved the Center's previous mission but he has made it through and has done his job very well. He's intelligent and capable and amazing at maintaining a good outlook overall, even when things don't go as planned.

I believe that Jed has learned a lot about himself this past year too.  He helped me through a lot of change and made a lot of hard decisions regarding the family "brand" he wants to create, his career goals, and our living situation. There have been significant disappointments for us this past year, but I truly think we made it through very, very, well. I like being on a team with my Jed.

We may not have graduated or married, bought a house or had little ones in 2013, but our lack of (seemingly) huge or life-altering events or announcements actually shaped us more than some of the bigger things we've accomplished.

Things haven't often been made very clear for us over the past few years of marriage but I'm looking forward to deciphering God's plans in the coming year. One day at a time. We can make it. I'd say 2013 was a great success and much, much, more than an unsettled journey. It's been a really rewarding one.

Happy 2014, Friends and Family. <3

I pray that this new year brings a great deal of heart change and happiness... that your blessings will be incredibly evident, and hardships won't defeat you (especially your spirit) but be taken as an opportunity to learn and grow closer to God --and closer to those you love.

We love you.

<3 Lauren

The Difference

The difference between a "couple" and a "family" is one. 

One sweet pea to bring home.

One is the difference between being a wife and a mother. One is the difference between being a husband and a daddy. Oh how I'd love to change my title, our title.

...one more mouth to feed; one more reason to not sleep through the night; one more worry; one more responsibility. I know. ...but you can't change my heart.

My love and desire for a little one (our little one) laying on my chest, or curled up on my lap, overshadows any anxiety or worry about parenthood.

 When I think about becoming a little family of three, I think how lovely it would be to celebrate Christmas morning with our own family traditions. I think about all the things I'd like us to do...

Autumn walks, decorating pumpkins, and dressing up.  Snow angels, hot cocoa and 3 stockings hanging up.  Wagon rides and flower picking. Running around in the rain. Swinging and sliding and climbing, summertime popsicles and sprinkler fun.

Bedtime routines, tooth brushing, bath time, pajama dancing, reading, singing and late-night snuggles. Brushing hair off their forehead and kissing their soft cheeks and nose.

Watching their face as they learn something new or stand in amazement over something seemingly simplistic.

I think about how their daddy would dearly love them and hug them and teach them all sorts of things.

I think about how, if something happens to my love someday, I'll have a little piece of him -- maybe with his crazy hair and smiling eyes and sense of humor.

I really want to share something special. 

Just one, please, God.

Decisions, Decisions.

I know I've been quiet for a couple of months and thought I'd let you in on the inner workings of this mind of mine. There are about a million and two questions that have been circling my mind and laying heavy on my heart over the last several weeks. 

Here are 5: 

1. Do I really have to give up what we just thought God was orchestrating for us, change my job yet again and revert back to our living situation from 6 months ago? (not that it's the worst- certainly far from it- so don't get me wrong. It's more about the principle and resulting hurt than the situation itself)

2. Do I really have to give up hope on having a baby, yet again, after feeling so hopeful and sure that God was orchestrating it for us... and wait another year to 2 years before trying for family (assuming that in 2 more years, things will be okay financially).  This breaks my heart and I have to constantly put it in 'check'.

3. Would I rather give up the stress of my current job (which allows some flexibility and 'at home' hours) in hopes of making more money (to hopefully aid in family planning)...
OR 
4. Would I rather stay where I am (stretching myself thin with work and stress and praying for consistent opportunity for cash-flow) in hopes of having space and the ability to stay home with an infant (that may or may not come to be in the next year or 2).

5. Which risk is the most 'right'?

Here are my options:

Option #1.
Work a 'normal' 9-5 office job again, leaving our 2 bedroom place behind, and moving back into the cottage so we can try to save money. 

2 year job commitment to prevent job-hopping -resume.
Ability to rest without being 'on call' 24-7.
1 bedroom studio (great little space for just us!) instead of 2 bedroom apartment.
Little room for growth, space-wise.
Little flexibility with 9-5 job
Great flexibility at the cottage if the "bottom falls out" financially.
Great flexibility with choosing to lease in the future (not held to a lease agreement).
Less expense, more savings.
Ability to pick up side-job.
Evenings and weekends free for service, friends, family and rest (as finances allow when trying to save a great deal of money)

Option #2
Work a 'normal' 9-5 office job again, leaving our 2 bedroom place behind, and moving into a 1 bedroom apartment. 

2 year job commitment to prevent job-hopping -resume.
Ability to rest without being 'on call' 24-7.
1 bedroom apartment (with a bedroom door-hooray) instead of 2 bedroom apartment.
Little room for growth, space-wise.
Little flexibility with 9-5 job.
Little flexibility with lease agreement.
Added expenses, added income, little to no savings.
Ability to pick up side-job.
Evenings and weekends free for service, friends, family and rest (as finances allow).
Privacy and space.
Possibility to be close to job(s) for convenience.

Option #3
Continue where we are, managing apartment complex, but pick up multiple side jobs to make ends meet.

Job directly relates to housing situation.
2 bedroom apartment.
Room for growth and guests.
Great neighborhood and area.
Flexibility in terms of day to day activities and timing.
Ability to 'stay at home' with a child.
I don't have to travel to work at all.
Not particularly convenient travel to daily activities but not terrible.
Ability to work side job(s) to make ends meet.
Have to work side job(s) to make ends meet.
Expected to be 'on call' 24-7 and 'in-office' for 44 hours a week. (Monday - Saturday)
Only compensated for 20 hours of weekly work in exchange for housing.
Only one day off per week (Sunday- but emergencies always take precedence)
On call 24-7.  Little rest, often high stress and 'emergency' deadlines that must be met.
Having to take on side-jobs doesn't allow a great deal of time for serving (at church) like I'd like to, doesn't allow us to give (financially), like I'd like to, or maintain relationships like I'd like to.

*there are so many variations of each of these options depending on jobs, pay rates, hours worked and days worked...

Around and around we go....


I measure just about everything through these three questions:
Is it RIGHTeous?  Is it Logical?  Does it bring glory to God?

None of these options, despite lots of prayers, have been clearly laid out as much more right or more logical or more glorifying that the others. Not having clarity on these things really makes decision-making incredibly difficult and exhausting. -- One moment I'm crying over not wanting to give up on what I thought we would have here, at this job and house... and the next, I'm thinking that, perhaps, with just a little more time and money we can finally get 'there' ...and with the next breath I'm wondering if God wants us to get 'there' at all.

What takes precedence?  Giving (money and time) to church, family, friends? Having a family of our own?Serving and witnessing through the workplace?  Being responsible with finances and saving as much as possible, as to not inconvenience or impose on family and friends?

I couldn't  be any more heavy-hearted or confused than I am now (and have been) while trying to seek clarity from God on these things so...

I'm completely and totally open to all suggestions.  What would you do? Have you ever been in a win/win or no-win situation?  How did you decide? What do you think? 


Before you think I've fallen off the deep-end (because my post isn't filled with bible verses) just know that my heart isn't ungrateful or unyielding or completely discontent.  This is my heart and my mind at work-- and it's been quite a battle.  ...and there's more to come on that.

Had I But Known That Giving Up is Best

I've been racking my brain for weeks trying to think of something that I haven't already written about (in a passionate but not at all grammatically correct way) that won't make anyone fall asleep and that I actually know something about. Tough, right?

I went through my regular list of "coulda, shoulda, wouldas" (to no avail) and ended up recounting my "expertise" in the areas of southern style sweet tea and attempting to control everything -ever. After amusing myself with significantly snarky "Had I but known" titles, a familiar tune can on my Pandora station.  Ingrid Michaelson's song, Giving Up, which brought me some much needed inspiration.

The very first time I heard this song, I wasn't quite sure what to think. I couldn't understand how a song about giving up could possibly be a love song. But after listening to it on repeat for about an hour, I realized that the song is a.) incredibly catchy and b.) isn't about giving up on someone at all, it's about giving up for them.

Let me explain...

Pop on over to www.annaurquhart.com (The Silent Isle) to see more of this article and other incredibly witty and wise posts from a sweet friend, Anna, and some of her amazing colleagues and friends! I'm so honored to be involved in this great series with wonderful writers (unlike me)  ;) Thank you, Anna.  You are lovely.

Letting Go and Letting God

Lord, I Need You

Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay

--An excellent and powerful reminder for days when you feel like praising
... and for days when your heart feels like a concrete in your chest.

All you can do is release control, aknowledge God's goodness, grace, power, and protection
...pray for peace and wisdom, and consistently remind your mind to have Faith in the Lord's promises.

I often need a daily reminder to release control.
Songs of praise and surrender have this incredible way of calming my anxiety and chipping away at the heavy heart within me.

I hope this song can be the song of your heart today (and everyday) too.
<3

Feeling Blessed

I haven't had a lot to say recently or lots of exciting pictures to post but (as I'm sure, you've experienced or already know about me) when I'm overwhelmed I tend to be quiet  ...or a raging ball of angst. This week, I choose quiet.

I could write about all the ways that this move has been an adjustment... and all the difficulties surrounding change... but this time, I just want to say how grateful I am about how things have fallen into place for us.  Many a prayer has gone up regarding our future, our family, our jobs, and ministry, and finances... and God has been good to answer prayers quite steadily!

I've been impressed with the ease of making it into our new place. Moving a 400 something sq. ft apartment wasn't as taxing as I had made it out to be in my mind.  ;)  We had wonderful help and a gracious landlord that let us move in early so we could go out of town for a week.

Jed and I were able to go on vacation and spend a little time with Dave and Teresa out of our normal environment, which was super fun!  I met some more of Jed's family! They are just so lovely... and fun too! We hung out in the magical world of Disney for a few days... which  made me feel like a toddler again.  And we came back, safe and sound, ready to tackle the next chapter.

I started my new job training a day later and, despite normal 'complications' with any new training situation and new housing, I feel as though I'm gaining a pretty good grasp on what needs to be accomplished and why. The 'why' part tends to be super important to my learning process, so that's especially great. I'm pretty confident that this job is right for me, which is a much needed feeling, given the substantial changes we've made to make this arrangement work.

Jed is doing well and his job is seemingly solid despite recent Regent position cuts. So that alone is a huge blessing. And where pay seems to be falling a bit short nowadays, God has been providing some great little opportunities for a little extra income.  What an amazing blessing that has been!  ...and hopefully will continue to be!

All that being said...

I'm not going to pretend that this month has been an easy one, though. Jed and I have both been sick from raging allergies, making morning quite an event and evenings a bit tense from exhaustion. My "high strung" emotional status hasn't been super pleasant either, I'm sure.

But still,  despite  fluctuating emotions and tiring days, we are feeling so incredibly blessed and hopeful!

I'm excited about the possibilites that await us, with my new job and new (2 bedroom) home ;)  and I'm desperately praying that God will mold me and shape me however He sees fit so I can learn to truly enjoy what he's put in front of me... right now... in this moment.

And also learn to look forward to the future with great expectations regarding God's provisions and promises!

<3 Thanks for checking in.

Love,
Lauren

Change

Change. 

I honestly don’t know.  

Actually...

No.  I'm not ever ready for change. 

I'm not going to lie.  I'm freaking out inside! 

Am I ready to move on Saturday?! yes and no. I feel tense and my stomach is in knots just thinking of all the possibilities for trouble.  

I feel as though things are a bit awkward at the office right now  (which is understandable when one only has 2 weeks left).  

I’m nervous about leaving my job and becoming "bored" in my new situation.  (Which I know sounds ridiculous- I will still be working... but it's going to look and be so much different and "boredom" is a legitimate fear of mine.)  

I'm also scared of new anything. period. 

I’m worried about finances and frankly (selfishly)- I’m a bit freaked out about potentially not having the funds to escape for date nights or girls nights etc... which I've been able to do in recent months.  It's been such a huge blessing to be able to hang out and have pleasant communications (on a whim) and after spending the majority of my days with potty-mouths and angsty-pants over the phone. 

All that to say... 

I guess I'm about as "ready" as I'll ever be.   My 'gut' says that moving and a job change is best right now. God has lined everything up to work out as smoothly as possible, so I can't, in good conscience, conclude that my anxiousness is anything other than fear. 

...So I've been praying these words over and over today.   

I keep praying (requesting) that God's will be done in everything that we choose right now, that God would calm my nerves, and orchestrate the final pieces of the puzzle that would help this planner feel a bit better about all the new that's about to happen. 

...and I keep thinking of what God would say if He was trying to ease my fears.

I think He would hold the sides of my shoulders firmly (yet gently),  look me straight in the eye and say something like...

...then He would pull me in close and hug me tightly (just like my Dad would).

 He'd hold me for a second, take a deep breath and then crack a silly joke to make me smile...

... and pull me back in for another firm hug.  I'd use the shoulder of his dad-shirt as a tissue and then I'd feel...  better. 

I have faith that God will provide the means necessary to make this work as well as the  strength and discipline to be alright. 

  

My fears don't come from lack of trust in God's abilities but rather a lack of trust in my own.  (Which, I must say, is probably a very good thing.)

*I mean,  If I was left to my own devices, I'd probably be 800 pounds due to sweet-tea and chocolate chip pancake intake. I would have racked up the national debt in new blouses and I would be spending all my 'free' time at Disney World. - I'm just sayin'.  

... So it's probably best that I don't trust my spontaneous wants all the time.  I know that God would not approve of my financially irresponsible, gluttonous and vain habits. 

We've prayed and consulted, crunched numbers and re-evaluated our goals.

But the question remains:

Are we really willing to risk our comfort and our obvious security in order to follow His direction?  Am I really willing?

Sometimes change (as scary and risky as it may be) is a step towards hope... a step in the right direction. 

Faith.  

Sometimes faith means being still and waiting.  Sometimes faith is risk-taking. 

Faith is always trusting in God's provision and plan (whether waiting or doing).  

Even when we fail, there may be consequences... but God is bigger than all the wrong we are capable of.  We aren't beyond redemption. We aren't beyond repair.   I'm not beyond repair.  As long as we seek Him, he promises that he will direct our paths. 

Will it look the way we originally expected? Maybe not. 

Will we still be okay?  Yes.  

Our God is loving and gracious and merciful. 

I'm praying desperately that God is very merciful with me during these times of adjustment.  Because if I know anything about myself,  I know that I have a really hard time with new things.  

So I'm praying now... before the new begins... that He will give me a thankful and joyful heart and a very flexible attitude.  

I know good things are happening and I'm so excited to see what He has in store for us in the coming months!

Give Me a Sign

Shine-David Crowder
LISTEN

The story of the faithful Christian that called out to God for help during a flood has come to mind a lot in recent weeks.

Though the waters were rising, he didn’t get in the car with his neighbors when they evacuated. He didn’t leave in the canoe. He didn’t get in the police boat. He didn’t climb the latter into the helicopter or grab the hand of the rescuer who climbed down to save him. Instead he consistently said, “No thank you, God will save me.” After a while the man was swept away with the rushing waters and stood before God in Heaven. When in Heaven, the man asked, “I put all of my faith in You. Why didn’t You come and save me?”  And God said, “Son, I sent you a warning. I sent you a car. I sent you a canoe. I sent you a motorboat. I sent you a helicopter. What more were you looking for?”

There comes a point when we can't just wait for what we expect divine intervention to look like.  We have to see the signs right in front of our faces.  Whether these signs come from a pro's and con's list, a perfectly timed (and poignant) conversation, wise counsel, or unexpected (yet extraordinary) events, we have to be able to recognize them when they appear.  

But how can we possibly know (for certain) unless God gives us a verbal confirmation or a flashing billboard? 

We pray.  We pray a lot.  We ask God for guidance every step of the way. 

We apply biblical principles. Is it honest, is is good, pure, loving? Is it wise?

We seek advice from wise counsel. Those who have been there before, those who love God first and foremost and those who have out best interest in mind.

We rely on logic.  God gave us logic and thought for a reason. We crunch numbers, work out possible plans and knock on doors. The rest is up to God.  

We obey. When God closes a door, we don't tantrum outside, we wait and then knock on another.  ...and when we feel as though God is leading us in a particular direction, we step on to the stones He's provided.   

Sometimes things just fall into place and we have this amazing 'gut' feeling that things are as they should be.  We've also probably experienced that feeling of utter anxiousness at one time or another.  ...You know, the kind that leaves a knot in your stomach or keeps you up thinking at night.  
Our decision-making, at that point, often comes down to intuition (or conscience and conviction).  We weight our feelings against logic, our short-term goals against long-term goals, and we ask ourselves if the risk is really worth it? Shall we take the path of least resistance, the narrow road, or just stand still for a while longer? 

And sometimes, we simply have to learn that...

If God hasn't opened doors in a certain direction or seemed to slam a previously open door, perhaps it's because He's about to clear another path.

Still

The Still After the Storm

When things have settled down dramatically...
but your heart is still hurting...

and you feel:
fragile
lonely
empty
and
exhausted

Be Still.  

be weak. be silent. be alone.

relax
rest
be calm
...just float.

Rest in theOne who will always be.

Just listen.

Be Still- The Fray

Direction

These things consistently keep fluttering around in my brain while laying in bed, when I’m getting ready in the morning, when I drive to work, when I’m cleaning up, when I attend showers and graduations, when I think of applying for jobs or look at our student loan bills…  some of which truly weigh heavily on my heart, a some are just brief moments of question and concern. I try to keep these feelings and thoughts at bay by focusing on God’s truth, His promises, His blessings in my life and my own responsibility for keeping my emotions in check. But this has been my recent journey and conversation with God…

God,

I really feel “misled” sometimes. I say this because it’s the only way I know how to. You obviously know my flaws. You know I'm capable of being stubborn and lazy and mean at times. But you, of all people, also know how much my heart desires you. You know how much I love you and how many times, despite mental/emotional chaos, I’ve still trusted. I have security in knowing you’ll never leave me or forsake me and for that I’m so grateful. You are always ‘there’ for me (here for me) when I need you most. There are definitely days though, when despite searching and seeking and praying, I don’t feel a clear answer from you.

I also wonder why (when you have presented me with a clear answer) you can be so quick to take it away.  It hurts so badly sometimes and it makes me question, not necessarily your goodness, but your direction in my life.  More so than that, it makes me question my ability to interpret your direction. How am I to know if I’m on the right track if it feels as though the leading that I’ve been following has had less than desirable ramifications?

I think (and thought) that I've done almost everything in my power to make wise choices. I seek wise (biblical) counsel, most with differing opinions.  I’ve tried to fill my mind with your truth. I’ve talked to you consistently, gotten involved and made steps toward seemingly open doors. So, what am I missing?

Jed say’s ‘patience’
…I need to learn patience, but I know it’s much deeper than that. I’ve been very patient before. I am capable of waiting and hoping. You saw me do it for years. You know that it’s not the waiting that I’m afraid of, it's waiting that won't lead to clarity.  

I suppose that I'm supposed to stay where I am right now, until you show me otherwise.  But I’m frightened by the idea that when you finally do show me, I will love it... If I'm too comfortable or want it too much, then you’ll take it away...  and my heart will be broken, yet again.  I know it’s a ridiculous fear (so selfish and over the top perhaps) but I end up fighting that feeling all the time.

I also can’t help but feel as though I've gotten reprimanded for following what I truly thought was your direction.  Like... going to college.  A big, no huge, “step if faith” in the financial department has left us in quite a predicament. Like, working really hard and then getting physically sick and tired.  Like... finally getting position within my field and then getting sick again. I could barely focus and my hormones were out of control.  Like... having surprise positive pregnancy test and then… no baby. What does it mean? How am I supposed to feel? What conclusions should I draw?

Were those things wrong?  In those cases, was the hardship a consequence of not following your direction well enough or was it simply a test?  Was it because I wasn't thankful or excited enough?   I really thought you led me in all of those things. I really did do what I thought was best, according to the information I had.

It's hard to see your perfect timing in it all when you seem to specifically allow something, but take it away. (Even if it's just the hope of something). I know it’s not much to pay in light of the incredible blessings you give,  but even the slightest dissolution of these hopes can really begin to break down the spirit.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be ‘sure’ about decisions again, full-knowing that you’ve orchestrated it all. I felt it when meeting and marrying Jed.  I knew, without a doubt, that we were best for each other, best with each other, and that we could serve you well as a team. But God, I’m so desperate for peace now too. I’m desperate to feel hopeful and at ease with choices and/or with standing still, if that’s what you want from me.

I haven’t lost hope though, and fear hasn’t overcome me. But God, I’m having a hard time feeling at peace. I'm so anxious. I know your truth, and I do believe it.  I’ve clung tightly to your truth this long and I’m so grateful that you’ve always brought me back to you when I decided to wander.  You delivered me when things completely crumbled and I’m so grateful for the blessings you’ve given me. These ridiculous girl feelings make it hard to function sometimes though. Mental chaos isn’t very becoming for a lady following after you.  It’s not that you feel distant or uncaring, God, just vague.

Masters degrees, masters degree, new jobs, family planning,  save money, spend money, pay more, enjoy some now or always plan for later?   ...So many questions.

I really need clarity of mind and heart. I know it’s a lot to ask, and it takes a lot of work on my end... but I know you are more than capable.  I’m trusting that your plan is perfect, that you are teaching me, growing me, making me new, and whole, and lovely. I’m trusting that instead of taking a 'step of faith', that my 'lack of stepping' will prove to be most faithful in our situation. 

I think you are telling me to wait. I don't feel peaceful about spending any more money and I don'twant to make the same 'mistakes' as before (regarding loan debt).  I think you are allowing this anxiety within me in order to (subtly or maybe not so subtly) show me your timing.

Please help me know that you are concerned about the seemingly small things in my life. They compile to make quite a mess in my mind.  I know others are dealing with pain and grief and uncertainty and they desperately need you, but I need to know you are small enough to tend to my heart and big enough to tend to those I love too. Help me see the obvious and give me the clarity I'm so desperate for.

Please know that I’m so grateful. I trust you. I love you. And I’m hanging on to your every word.

<3 Me

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; Psalm 37-23
 

And the Spirit of the Lord shall rest upon him, the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord.  Isaiah 11:2

Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O Lord, and whom you teach out of your law, to give him rest from days of trouble, until a pit is dug for the wicked. For the Lord will not forsake his people; he will not abandon his heritage;  Psalm 94:12-14

 The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord. All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit. Proverbs 16:1-2

She does not ponder the path of life; her ways wander, and she does not know it. Proverbs 5:6

 The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks justice. The law of his God is in his heart; his steps do not slip. Psalm 37:30-31

Results of "Weeding the Gardens"

I've been relaxing today, just thinking about the past year and reflecting on what all has happened in my own heart and mind.  I decided to look into my journalings ... and stumbled upon this article that I posted in November of last year on my "mind the little foxes" blog (One of those "articles" again, you know how much I love them ;) ).  

I am finding it truly amazing how much God has been subtly answering my prayers requests from a year ago until now. He's been very gentle about helping me find truth and acceptance... which, despite my disinterest in being patient and waiting for answers, is perfect for me.  God must know me well.  ;)  He is letting me process things a little bit at a time.  He has given me some space and time to sort through things, he's allowed me to have some meaningful conversations with people I have met, people I admire, even people that I don't want to be like (if that makes sense) in order to better understand myself and his desires and will for me and my Christian walk.

I kind of relate my answered prayers (and timing) to watching a child grow up.  You know how you're always amazed/shocked at how much someone has grown or changed if you don't see them on a regular basis ... but when you see them daily/weekly, it's just normal?   Well, I think that's kind of like my prayer life with God in the emotional sense.

I haven't really had any shocking, "ah-ha!" moments.  Nor have I had any real instances of feeling like "Blam, that was God's hand" in my life.  Mostly I've felt like I've been floating along ... talking to God, voicing my concerns, but not really knowing exactly how to fix the problem and hurts in my heart.  I didn't even really know what to pray for.  I've been slightly 'jealous' (lets say) about the "clarity" some consistently have  and the overwhelming answers to prayers that have been going on around me ... and was trying to think about how/if God has been answering me... like that. 

And all of a sudden, “Blam!” God’s answer became apparent...

***

Lauren,

#1. Remember, it’s not your job to “fix” everything.  You asked me to help you. You asked me to change your mind and to change your heart... and that’s what I’ve been doing.

#2. I know you much better than you even know yourself. My ways are perfect.  And by perfect I mean, I know exactly what you need... even down to the timing and way that your heart and emotions are affected. 

#3. I placed people in your life when you were ready to listen and ready to heal.

#4. I gave specific people (and their wisdom) when you needed to connect ...and  opportunities to serve when you needed that too.

#5. I know that you don’t like dramatic change.  Clearly.  Even you know that. So I didn’t throw one big thing at you or try to change your mind and heart in one day.  I let you process and sort through it all. Sometimes it was quiet and calm, sometimes it was chaotic.

#6. When you pleaded with me about certain things, I knew when your heart was serious about not being able to function at your workplace etc … and I helped orchestrate a change.  A great change.  …and I’m still working.

#7. ...also, in case you hadn't noticed, I allowed you to be in an environment like that, because it inspired the kind of feelings (that before) you would have brushed under the rug or run away from. You didn't want to deal with them before and some you didn't even really know about until they to boiled to the surface again.  I want you to be healthy and stable and able to love me and serve me in to the very best of your ability. 

#8. Your vulnerability and challenges have allowed me to plant seeds, ideas, passions within you…

#9. I have given you time and space so that my truth has a good chance to sink in.  And just as it took several years of negative to make an impression, it takes time to learn and heal now too. 

#10. Your challenges and search for truth, have (perhaps) allowed opportunity for others search too, pray too.

***

 

For Reference:
This is what I was struggling with, wrote about, was praying about and working towards a year ago.... regarding some of my issues with rejection and identity. 

November 2012

This is NOT my writing... but certainly my thoughts. Among several other related topics, this particular one has been weighing on my mind and heart a LOT lately.  I keep falling into the same cycle of feeling just like most of this post describes.  It's certainly a hard mindset /stronghold to break and honestly I'm not doing so well.... but with prayer and willingness on my part... I'm truly hoping that God's truth will free me from this.  

I really need to be fed truth ...and mostly be willing to accept the truth for what it is, solid and unfailing, not manipulated or exaggerated.  God is not PEOPLE. People fail. I fail, and they most likely have failed for the same reasons I am right now.  But the difference, perhaps, is that I'm willing and really desiring a solution, a surrender, a change in thought and heart and action. 

I've got to start somewhere.  Getting to the root is the hardest part.  But I'm weeding the gardens now and trying to let the beautiful things bloom.  I'm quite tired of the lovely things being suffocated by all the ugly.     

Step 1: PRAYER, and lots of it.

Step 2: Focusing on the truth. (not the world's 'truth but God's ACTUAL, SOLID, ETERNAL TRUTH)

Step 3: Thanking God for EVERYTHING.  ...and I mean EVERYTHING.  My chai latte, my quiet time, my job (even the stress that comes with it- because I'm growing- slowly but surely (I'm holding on to that)). My housing, my shower, my truly wonderful husband, my limbs, my brain power, my non-dirt floors, my car, gas, bedding... even maybe my past.  Perhaps I could even be truly grateful for that too ;)

Step 4: Forgiving. Forgiving the details.  Laying it down, once and for all.  Think about the root of the anger, bitterness, hurt, anxiety, perfectionism etc...   Who, when, what.... and then think about how I don't DESERVE forgiveness either.  And finally LET IT GO once and for all. 

Step 5: Putting in GOOD and throwing out the bad. What goes in must come out. So, I'd better get cracking on the 'filling up with good' part of this objective ...cause God knows, there is a lot of bad to be bombarded with quite regularly.  (But again, much more good to be seen than just at first glance or first instinct.)

Step 6: Changing my 'mode' of dealing. I've kind of been trained/trained myself (now that I'm older) to fight hard or let go completely.  But mostly, a middle ground is the answer... and it seems as though I've got the two extremes flipped around a bit. So... working on that too.

WHEW. Alright then. I could use a small army of prayer warriors if you'd be gracious enough to think of me when you're talking to God. :)    

Thanks to everyone who has prayed for me.  I am far from "whole" but honestly, I've felt much different over the last few months and I've had a different sense of peace. I think that perhaps... much of the truth I've been engulfed in... is finally sinking in, at least a little.  :) If nothing else, there is hope in that. And hope is really, all I need in order to feel like something is tackle-able. So thank you and please keep praying (as this stuff is a daily battle of heart and mind).  ...and probably a daily battle for many people you know and meet.

<3