Renewal. Revival. Truth. - Some of my Story

17 years old.  I was sitting in her living room, her hot breath on my face. Hushed words with so much intensity. I was told how ignorant, god-less, un-christian, "common", cruel, ungrateful, disrespectful, worthless, and evil I was. I was videotaped as I sobbed and shook and wished I could die. I was told that my school friends needed to see how their "Christian" friend and leader really acted. I was asked if I would be embarrassed to show my friends the "real" me. I was asked why I was crying and why I was angry. I'm a "lucky little bitch". I was told that I was the reason for her sickness and strokes/seizures, for her outbursts, and rage, and thoughts of suicide. I was finally left to sit alone. I wasn't allowed to speak or cry or move off the couch, because I would contaminate the rest of the house. I was disgusting.  -- A tiny house in the middle of the country, no streetlights, and the continued "conversations" that were meant to be heard through paper-thin walls about my worthlessness and cruelty. Then nothing. Just crickets outside in the black.

Eventually, one of them appeared again and pulled me close. She laid my head on her lap, brushed the little hairs from my temples and told me how proud of me she was and how good I was.

And that's the night that I died.

---

The summer before my senior year of high school. A normal time for uncertainties. A time for hopes and dreams, questions and fears. A time when the future is equally exciting and terrifying. A time when we most desire stability and belonging, when we seek direction and hope. 

After a years of issues and a particularly severe year of emotional torment, I left my school, my church, my best friends, my boyfriend, all of my positive influences, my leadership roles, people that knew me and respected me as a person, half of my family and all normalcy and sanity. I was forced to move out of state to live in a camper with my mom and my 7 year old sister. No drivers license, no car, no freedom, no friends, no church, limited calls, if any. Definitely no contact with my Dad. We were "starting again", away from everything that she hated, no loved, no hated, no loved.

She thought that we needed counseling. But "we"meant me. If I would just let go. If I could just love her more. She couldn't understand why I didn't love her enough to be entirely happy about leaving everyone and everything. We sought counseling at a little church but once they actually caught on to what was happening, we would find fault in those manipulative traitors and and stop going. The game would be played and apologies made for past boyfriends or behaviors or "working too much" but never admission or apology for the current situation. 

A bad example to my sister ... a diva, a brat, cruel and callused, selfish, ignorant, uncaring, disloyal. A liar. The mental and emotional control went on for what felt like years. I had no right to be depressed or upset, angry or sad. I had no right to feel unless they were her feelings. No right to speak unless they were words that she wanted to hear. I felt like I had nothing. I didn't matter. I was either screamed at or ignored. My voice didn't matter. My opinion didn't matter. My emotions didn't matter. I had to shut down. So I did. I went into emotional hiding. I prayed so much that summer. I walked to the campground playground when I could. I would sit swing and listen to praise music to try and find something bigger. I was dying inside. 

Apparently my sudden silence was taken to be a "cry for help" and I was literally wrestled into the car and taken to the ER while they bombed the camper for roaches where a doctor prodded me with questions about my depression and "thoughts of suicide". I never wanted to or threatened to kill myself, I explained. I just didn't want to be tormented. I wanted normalcy, stability. I want to feel loved. I want to be away from my mom's 'friend'. But what what my mom (apparently) heard from the doctor was quite different. "She hates you. She loves her Dad. She doesn't want to be with you."

The scratching squeak of the glass doors sliding open was the only thing I heard as we walked into the parking lot. No eye-contact. No words. Finally one word, not so hushed this time, "In". The door slammed behind me. A few moments of piercing silence, just the sound of the pouring rain on the hood, and then every word and name in the history of names.
"How could you tell some stranger lies about your family?!"
"You're lucky to be alive right now."
"You're lucky you weren't slapped shit-less in the parking lot."
"No one wants to look at you because you're worthless."

"You're dead to me", she said.

And for the first time in my life, I really wished I was.

We drove to a laundry mat. You know, just going about normal business while my mom stared off into the distance and I wept uncontrollably. I couldn't breathe. When the car finally stopped, I ran to the closed down gas station next door and melted beside the pump, praying for God to have mercy on me and just kill me rather than torture me like this. They didn't follow. More than an hour later they found me and made me get back in the car. I was told they only cared where I was because they were responsible for me and "would be damned if they went to jail for some little bitch". We drove off into the middle of nowhere to that tiny hell-house with just trees and fields and darkness. So much darkness.

My innocence was slaughtered that day and my identity was stolen. I was left questioning who I really was, what value I really had, and what I could possibly offer anyone in life, especially God. What I knew to be true was completely altered. My identity had been forever changed.

There is certainly much more to this story, good things, great things, and bad things... God did incredible things and wonderful people worked very hard and loved me so well.

But my purpose in writing this is two-fold.
1. To work towards truth. And I can't work towards truth if I can't ever speak the whole truth. I feel things deeply and personally because those attacks were personal.  My "trust" issues are valid. My hardships may not be particularly blog-worthy or visible or memorial-able but they are no less real.
2. To encourage other people that my not have a "platform" or physical proof of injury, to know that they aren't alone. You are valuable. You aren't crazy (as much as certain people would like you to think you are). You are wholly loved.

Lots of people have written books and blogs about abuse, loss, addiction, tragedy... but I feel like emotional abuse is rarely spoken of because it's label-less. It's not a "platform" that's seen as acceptable or reasonable or truly tragic. It's messy, somewhat self-inflicted, continuous, and most who have experienced it don't ever get "past it" or away from the influence of their abuser. Like an addiction, it's always calling from the shadows.

--------

The wounds still haven't really healed. It's been more than 10 years and these scars can still be easily opened. I fight my own personal identity crisis daily. These things may have been brushed under the rug, buried beneath the surface, or never acknowledged but that doesn't make them less true and it certainly doesn't make them less painful or toxic.

I'm sure that many people will be quick to tell me to count my blessings and to be grateful I wasn't beaten or physically tortured. And I am thankful about so many wonderful things in my life that I certainly don't deserve. The truth doesn't negate thankfulness. There are people who would say it's best not to speak of these things but respectfully, not speaking of these things is just more isolation. Because until you've been in a place of mental and emotional chaos at the hands of people you believe love you, you don't understand. And to the abusers who refuse to acknowledge the things that happened, it's real. It's been very real for me these past several years and it has affected every single aspect of my life -- from my marriage to my children to my relationship with my sister to my aspirations and decision making abilities. But honestly, the worst of all is my spiritual life. You made me doubt things I never knew I could. I walk on eggshells in my own mind. I can't even be "good" without thinking that I'm probably doing it for the wrong reason.

I will never let you in fully, again. I will not let you hurt my family. I will try to protect those that I love against torment. I will not let you control my mind or my emotions. I will protect my boys, because that is what parents do, protect their children from harm. So instead of guilt-trips and conversations about forgiveness, lets converse about this... when you can acknowledge that all these things were done and said, then we can communicate. Until then, it's not actually a conversation... it's manipulation. 12 years and these sores still burn so wildly that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel the sting. I need to cut off the cancerous limb and all the twigs that have sprung from it.

I need to be able to tend to the true heart issues in my life. I need to hear the truth and believe it, good and bad. How am I supposed to work on issues when I'm consistently made to feel as though I'm insane? How am I to seek truth and believe the truth when I'm not allowed to speak about true things that happened?

I'm finished with being fearful of what people think and assume. I'm finished wondering if people understand me or really care about me. I'm finished second-guessing. I'm finished feeling crazy. My identity doesn't come from you or your friend. I know, in my mind, that you both were wrong, but my soul still feels tormented.

My faith needs to be greater than all the fears within me. I want to believe that God can heal even the invisible wounds. I have been wholly crushed and wholly lost but I know that I am wholly loved, if I accept it and believe it.

And that is my meditation for this year: Renewal. Revival. Truth.
I'm ready for this endless winter to be over and for spring to come once again.

Little Notes for Little Eli -Part 4

4/10
Sweet Hop-Along,
(It is almost Easter after all.)

Apparently I have tendonitis in my right foot (or at least that's the label the doctor came up with).  I suppose it's from walking a long distance in flat tennis shoes last week or making a slightly long drive without cruise control, or hormones and "loosening" muscles, or perhaps a combination of everything. I'm really not sure. But sometimes I like to tell people ridiculous stories of my adventures.   .
...like saving a school bus of children
...or my MMA competition
...or catching a robber in heels
Hey, the stories may not exactly be true... but they are entertaining.  ;)

So really... I very unexpectedly woke up on Tuesday with pain in my foot. I walked around on it hoping it would start to feel better but by the end of the day it was throbbing and I couldn't sleep ...so your sweet daddy wrapped it up in an ace bandage.

In the morning before work, I couldn't put any pressure on it at all. It hurt so badly that I was laughing hysterically while trying to hobble around. (Apparently this is what I do when I'm in pain -- labor should be fun!) The laughing tears quickly turned to real tears though and I realized that I should see a doctor before things got worse. You, Me, and Mama ended up hobbling into Patient First (looking absolutely ridiculous I might add). The nurses were very kind to us, created a "half-cast" sort of contraption, and eventually taught us to walk with crutches! I've never been on crutches before. Ever! That was certainly an interesting adventure for a very accident prone woman and her wee little guy. ;) 

Work has been quite the event. I'm really not used to sitting still.  And I really don't like having to depend on others to help me do everyday tasks. It certainly gives me a better appreciation for those that have to do this regularly and I'm certainly grateful for the help.  Perhaps this is a gentle(ish) reminder from God, regarding my independent streak and desire to do everything on my own.

We will just keep learning together, won't we?

Love you,
Your accident-prone Momma

------
4/15
Baby Boy,

We made it through this week at work, through Easter, cottage preparations, and cleaning. Wow. I certainly feel more blessed than ever to regularly have working limbs, let me tell you! Everything from driving to showing upstairs model apartments to carrying books or food or drinks has been quite an adventure.  I think I've pulled just about every muscle around my abs on these things. But on the bright side -- my arms are going to be buff for summer! ;)

Proud of us,
Mom

------
4/24
Little Big Guy, 

We did it! We officially moved.
Furniture was built, baskets and bins and boxes were packed, closets were emptied, the cottage was cleaned, furniture was sold and stored. We have some minor things left to do but it feels so good to have some finality to a month-long preparation.

Breathe easy Baby,
Mom

------
4/26
Wiggles McGee,

I felt a funny "popping" sensation low to the left of my tummy while laying very still in bed tonight and I'm pretty sure it was you.

I really like being able to feel you finally,
Mommy

------
4/28
Dear (what are our names again)?

We. Are. Exhausted.
The past week has been quite a marathon of work and school and crutching and packing and moving and unpacking and organizing and shopping for things to organize with. We had some wonderful help from friends this week -from cleaning help to borrowing vehicles to transport furniture to heavy lifting. We've been SO blessed to have extra hands to support us this week!  You and I certainly couldn't take on this project alone, kid. Daddy was hugely helpful, along with your Mama and Papa, Aunt Sarah and our sweet friends that loaned us their time and vehicles and scrubbing-power.

I think it's time for... zzzz
zzzz
zz

------
4/29
Busy Bee,

20 week appointment! We got to see you again today and confirmed once again that you are, in fact, a little boy!

We also found out that you have a little bit of extra fluid on one kidney, so we are praying that it goes away naturally before our next ultrasound appointment towards the end of the pregnancy. We were told that it tends to be more common in little guys than little girls and often times goes away before you would make your way into our arms. Still, I worry about you. --Other than that minor (potential) issue you seem to be quite perfect -- and VERY active!  (Even the ultrasound tech was impressed with your activity level.) You Sir, are one busy bee! You do not like being prodded and you don't seem to like when Momma lays down flat.  

Oh, and we also finished picking your name!
It was quite an event since your dad and I don't agree on many names :) We love it and we hope you do too. 

...Now I'll have a full name to say when you are busy getting into trouble ;)  --and when I just want to love on you.

Love you so very much, Eli Oliver Rieke. 

<3Your crazy-excited Momma

------

5/5

My Little Man, 

Yesterday was a hard day for us.  I suppose my worries about your health and safety due to my high  sugar counts, work stress, school stress, and these blasted hormones sent me into a whirlwind of anxiety. I felt so incredibly discouraged and rather worth-less as a shelter to protect you and grow you. I was an all-out mess. I am trying hard to keep you safe, Eli. I really, really, am.

I wish my body would cooperate a bit better, especially when it's lack of cooperation can jeopardize your well-being. But, like many other things, it's mostly out of my control. All I can do is try my best and pray (a lot) that God will spare you any hurts that come from whatever tough decisions I have to make.

This is my view of us today :)
Mercy, we've been growing like a weed.  My back and neck and shoulders and stomach are certainly all feeling the strain... but no extra weight to report yet, really. Your wonderful Daddy gave us a soothing back massage tonight after we spent the day grocery shopping and preparing snacks and meals for the week and studying and exam-taking and cooking dinner.
We got pampered! It was lovely. He's the best!

I'm eager to see you grow, little guy. -- Not so eager to see me grow ;) but super stoked to be able to enjoy this special time with you. It is quite a gift!

Stay safe, okay?
Momma Bear

------
5/13/14
Eli Oliver,

Here we are today:

...and we've officially gained our very first pound together! (It's about time! Our sugar-free/high protein diet, changing hormones and sickly start together hasn't allowed for a great deal of indulgence or accompanying weight gain it seems). Good going, little man! Keep growing big and tough!  I simply can't wait until your Dad can feel your kicks and punches and rolls.  I can definitely tell you've been getting stronger.

Oh and most importantly (on the food front) we've really been into Turkey Avocado BLTs from Panera.  We love our occasional trips to Skinny Dip for frozen yogurt with strawberries and we really like fresh baked mini Tollhouse cookies and milk right now ...like REALLY!  Of course, all of our sweet cravings have to be kept to a minimum but ohhhh what a wonderful treat.  You have good taste little man! ;)

I love you more than sweet tea and caramel lattes combined!  -Just sayin'
Mom

p.s. --Sorry the laptop balanced on my belly and knees is cramping your style ;) I'll keep that in mind next time. 

Little Notes for Little One -Part 2

2/9/14
Sweets,

Well today has been an interesting day. Seems as though these hormones are in full swing. Apparently I need to eat something every hour or I turn into a low-blood sugar, terribly nauseous, "hangry", weeping mess.

Speaking of weeping. I was watching cute and silly videos today and couldn't keep myself from crying. It's really quite ridiculous. Mother/son fun wedding dance... Tears. Hallelujah chorus at a shopping mall for Christmas... Tears. Cute puppy... Tears.

Everyone thinks that you must just be a sensitive soul, little one. :)

Love you -- to the point of tears,
;) Mom

---------
2/11/14
Sweet heavens Baby,

Momma has not been feeling very well.  We don't seem to be liking food much at all right now. I've been trying to drink, drink, drink to keep up hydrated and happy though.  I sure hope you are doing well in there... and that you are growing! -- My hormones certainly seem to know we are changing.

Keep up the good-growing work,
Mom

---------
2/19/14
Sleepyhead,

We are so tired! Sweet georgia peaches, we can barely keep our eyes open sometimes. Yet oddly enough we can't seem to sleep when we want to most! (See, you are learning so much already... This is what we call "cruel irony")

I imagine we have many sleepless nights ahead of us -- lets just call this a trial run.  I'm sure we will be great snuggle buddies when I finally get to hold you and feed you and sing you songs. I really look forward to those nights. Sleeplessness has such lovely purpose.

I think it's nap time,
Your exhausted Momma

----------
2/21/14
Tiny,

Your loving and oh-so-excited aunt Mariah has requested pictures of us.  -- However your very small stature, at this point, hasn't allowed for much 'bump-age'.  I do look forward to having some outward proof of your existence though soon! --But maybe not too much "proof" ;)

Thanks for your your consideration,
Mom

-----------
2/24/14
Baby E, 

Granny and Granddaddy came to visit us this weekend. They probably qualify for 'Survivor' now, as they were left to scrounge for food in our empty fridge for a couple of days -- and managed to survive on Fig Newtons, hot tea, oatmeal and tiny cheese wedges.

We still aren't liking food smells or tastes or thoughts of food very much but I think we are on our way to normal snacking soon! Woo hoo!

Hooray for family,
Mom

-----------
2/25/14
Little Love,

Well today marks 11 weeks for us.  We've made it so far, little one. Let's keep going strong! Momma has been quite dizzy recently but my appetite is finally starting to come back. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a recipe for disaster... but I'll take what I can get.  I have felt quite nauseous every day since our first couple of weeks together.  Over the past couple of days, despite nausea, I have been able to enjoy small bits of tasty foods without regretting eating. I do love food. Also, I love you.

Thanks for taking it easy on me this week,
Mommy

------------
2/28/14
Sweetheart,

You gave us quite a scare yesterday, Love.  We had an appointment on Tuesday and I got to hear you, once again. One quick swipe with a doppler and I heard that little bitty heart beating loud and clear. What a wonderful sound!

But later on that evening we were accidently hit pretty hard in the stomach and mommy was worried that you might have gotten hurt. We went back to the doctor for another quick check on the doppler  just to ease my mind.  Two nurses and a doctor couldn't find your little heart for 45 minutes so we had to wait and come back for an ultrasound days later.

My heart and your daddy's heart were breaking -- not knowing if you were okay. Our gracious friends were able to help us and we got to see you tonight, safe and sound, just wiggling around.
Thankfully you are so little and well-protected at this stage that you seem to be just fine.
(We do think you might have a future in acrobatics or martial arts, though.)  ;)

We love you, Baby, so so so much!  We are so incredibly grateful that our fears weren't confirmed and that you seem to be quite well.

Stay safe and keep practicing for your future acrobatic adventures,

Mom and Dad <3

Progress > Perfection

Perfect.
A big burden for a simple word.

Perfect.  A word that is capable of making me feel weak, worthless, anxious and incapable. Desiring to do things perfectly, say things well, give off that "perfect" impression is certainly one of my biggest flaws.

...I mean, who doesn't want to be the Mary Poppins of their household or social group?  --A capable, well-spoken, woman (flawless in heart, and mind, and beauty) who never uses commas or  parenthesis or ellipsis incorrectly ;) and who's "golden touch" makes everything wonderful, and lovely, and well-behaved. 

While my perfectionist ways often lead me towards doing my very best, they hinder me in so many ways. Compulsive organizing and the need to be neat, gift giving, craft projects and relationships are all often run by this strong desire for perfection. --Perfectly clean, the perfect present for so-and-so, the flawless craft project that looks professional, perfect communication.  -- Totally do-able right?  Not so much.
--
Whether is spurs from the need to control or some egotistical problem with the heart, I can't easily escape it.  Somewhere along the line, I started believing that the more organized, the more active, the more studious, the more crafty, the more independent I was... the more valuable I became.  While this mentality often works well in educational and career realms (with grades and promotions for hard work and long hours etc.) it doesn't help the heart much. 

I've been working on some homemade Christmas projects for family and friends over the past few weeks. It's the first time, perhaps since elementary school, that I've felt the urge to be crafty AND decided that it was worth potentially failing in order to give something that took time and energy and meant something special.

A few nights ago, while attempting to direct my noncompliant paintbrush over a canvas,  I was overwhelmed with anxiety. Disobedient paintbrush decided to flick paint beside a line that was supposed to be perfectly straight.  Immediately tears came to my eyes and my heart sank. Then my unruly hand brushed against wet paint and made little paint scuffs across my crisp white background. Noooooooo!  

I was seriously distressed. My heart fell somewhere between disappointed and devastated.  And in that brief moment, when I was contemplating lighting my canvas on fire or throwing it in the lake, I realized how utterly ridiculous that feeling was.  I wanted it to be perfect so badly that it felt like a 'loss' when it wasn't going to turn out the way I had hoped.  It wasn't because I was wanting to be world's best painter, it was because (in my mind) anything less than perfect wasn't worth giving away.

As I sat there staring at my now "mess" of a project, I thought... "If it's not going to be perfect, then it's not worth doing".

Interesting.

I think this same thing all. the. time. When since did gifts have to be absolutely perfect? When did friendships and conversations and meals and organizing have to be perfect for them to be "worth it"?

I don't know if anyone gets stuck in this rut as much as I do, but I assume that we all have these tendencies (especially when something is important to us).  And I just thought, seeing as it's the season of giving, that perhaps we all need a little bit of grace in this area.

I apologize in advance for those of you who will receive a canvas with a smudgy letter or to those that have to endure my less than perfect cooking or singing or not quite clean house. ;)  I'm trying to learn to put my value in the progress (and passion) and not perfection.

I'm not going to get all philosophical here today but that 'ah-ha' moment of mine really made an impact.  I already gave away a couple of things I wasn't completely satisfied with. And that's a big deal.  I've crafted and knitted and attempted things before but, until now, always gave up and threw away the things that didn't meet the mark. (aka all of them) But my mark is changing, with a lot of effort, and humility, and apologies. ;) --and not just with gift giving-- things are changing in my heart, in my values and  in my views of who I am and who I want to be.

I don't want to be known as the person who's always perfect... because I won't try anything that I won't succeed at.  I want to be know as the person that puts her heart into things even when failure is a great possibility.  Will anyone else work on this with me this year? 

  <3 Lauren

 

Letting Go and Letting God

Lord, I Need You

Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay

--An excellent and powerful reminder for days when you feel like praising
... and for days when your heart feels like a concrete in your chest.

All you can do is release control, aknowledge God's goodness, grace, power, and protection
...pray for peace and wisdom, and consistently remind your mind to have Faith in the Lord's promises.

I often need a daily reminder to release control.
Songs of praise and surrender have this incredible way of calming my anxiety and chipping away at the heavy heart within me.

I hope this song can be the song of your heart today (and everyday) too.
<3

Feeling and Dealing

I know that I haven't had many encouraging words to say recently or interesting blog posts...

I just want to say that it isn't because I'm not happy. It's not because I'm horribly disinterested in maintaining 'normal' life like I've done for the past year, nearly.  I'm still living with great hope regarding the future.  But it feels as though a piece is missing, even though I never "knew the difference".  It feels like a little hope was stolen. It hurts to have to live "normally" when I know that this year would have been so different and it hurts to think that God would introduce something so special just to take it away. That's what I've been struggling with most. 

I've been actively trying to 'feel and deal' instead of pushing everything down or becoming numb like I did before. 

I've wanted to write something lovely and heartfelt and meaningful for weeks now... 

but nothing comes out right when it comes to this.  

There are so many thoughts and feelings in my head regarding the past year.  Those feelings piled on top of past hurts, plans, and current worries make it really difficult to differentiate things.  ...And since I can't seem to explain how I'm feeling and I typically end up talking in circles, I thought I'd share some excerpts from articles and stories from blogs I've been reading.  

I might seem ridiculous reading this from the perspective of someone else or from some random 'how-to' type article, but I think these excerpts sum up many of the emotions I've had over the last several months.  Amy went through a similar situation... and I think her thoughts and explanation closely resembles mine. 

Miscarriage is different than losing any other person in my life.  As soon as I see those "two lines," I am imagining this new child: will it be a boy or girl?  Will they have my dark hair and eyes or my husband's light hair and eyes?  What will they like to do?  Sports, music, writing, math?  Will they like to snuggle or will they prefer to roughhouse and play around? 

When I see those "two lines," I am automatically thinking nine months ahead and preparing my mind to add this child to our family. I am thinking of getting the carseat ready, the crib ready, the clothes ready…  So many thoughts and hopes and questions and plans. Despite not being prepared timing wise, I was so excited to learn more about this little one we made. 

When the miscarriage happens, I do not have a child to hold and say goodbye to, I do not have a funeral I can sense some closure from, and I don't have all the support from everyone around me to get me through the difficult time.

I recently talked with another friend about this experience, and we talked about how we have this cultural thing where we don't tell anyone we're pregnant (except very close family and friends) until we're 12 weeks along when the "risk" is gone. . .I wonder why we do that?  If a miscarriage happens, don't we want the support?  Isn't that the time when we go through such awful morning sickness and worry that we would appreciate the help?  These really are just musings because I was the same way. . .don't tell anyone that isn't super close until 12 weeks; looking back, maybe if I had done things differently, it would have been easier.  

Those who have been through this particular trial were those I was so grateful to have around me.  After my first miscarriage, I had a friend (who had been through a miscarriage herself not long before) bring me flowers and dinner when she found out.  It was so nice to feel someone knew what an empty space we felt and that flowers really were appropriate--you send flowers to a funeral, don't you?  I feel a miscarriage is the same thing: even if we never met the person, we grieve for them and feel a great sense of loss.

Someone brought me flowers when they found out, which I thought was so incredibly sweet and really thoughtful. It meant a lot.  It might sound odd, but I do think that it was good and necessary for me to have this finally feel like a loss, like a death that was 'worthy' of support  ...not just a bad dream or bad day to just 'get over'.   For so long I convinced myself that it was silly, in hopes of protecting my heart.

I really needed for this hurt to be validated, and still do. After all, I value life from conception, why wouldn't this be considered a loss?  I never want to feel like the loss of a baby (no matter how small) is silly or not worth being sad or disappointed about. 

Anyway, I found this article about unplanned pregnancy and miscarriage also...  It echoes some of the feelings I have had as well.  (Despite being unplanned, I did want this baby ...just didn't know what to do with the timing and finances)

"Many women bond with their baby early on in the pregnancy, and will feel incredibly sad that they will never know this child. 

She may feel the miscarriage is somehow her "fault" because the pregnancy was unplanned or unwanted. 

Women who were not planning a pregnancy may wonder how and why they became pregnant in the first place. 

Women who were not anticipating having a baby at this time in their life may simply feel guilty...  as though somehow everyone knows that they lost a baby they never wanted in the first place (this was one of the main reasons I didn't tell for so long) and that all other mothers or women who want to be mothers are censuring them... " 


These excerpts were from an article regarding both "unplanned" and "unwanted" pregnancies... which, despite being unplanned (in our case),  I still wanted very much. 

It's amazing how much love you can feel when that test says positive, even when it's a surprise.  It's incredible how many plans and hopes and wishes you have for someone you've never even met. It's been specifically difficult to be without any tangible reminders, keepsakes or photos.  

...until now, which leads me to my next post. 

Still

The Still After the Storm

When things have settled down dramatically...
but your heart is still hurting...

and you feel:
fragile
lonely
empty
and
exhausted

Be Still.  

be weak. be silent. be alone.

relax
rest
be calm
...just float.

Rest in theOne who will always be.

Just listen.

Be Still- The Fray

Decembers Prayers

I truly don't have the words to explain all the things my mind has been mulling over in recent weeks. Everything from death, to life, to mother-daughter relationships, sibling relationships, past, present, family plans, finances, friends, ministry, health, work...   So much has happened.  What a blessing-filled month. What a chaotic and heart-breaking time too.

I'm so blessed. So blessed with wonderful, wonderful friends and family.

If you think of it, though...   I would really appreciate prayer.

When my family and friends feel 'whole' and purposeful and joyful, I feel joyful.  And many of my closest friends have been really struggling lately and others are entering very hard times of adjustment.

I just wanted to request that you pray with me for a couple of people who keep coming to my mind ...and that you'd also pray for my heart to be strong and my mouth and actions, encouraging to others.

***
Jed. For his relationship with God through uncertain times with conflicting priorities.  That God will direct his path and give him clarity of mind in decision making, goal setting and planning. That he will have a good male influence that has been in a situation (in some way) similar to ours (financially) so he can gain perspective from someone other than family and his wife. For job security and hopefully a chance for pay increase (at some point) so we can plan for family.  For schooling opportunities, studying, testing, time management.  For our relationship.    ...waiting for updates ;)

Emily.  That God will orchestrate a job opportunity, housing etc... at the right time, at the right place and with the people that her heart needs. That God will give her clarity and give her the desires of her heart. 

Gila.  That God will allow her move to Nebraska to be as 'smooth' as possible.  For courage, boundaries, lots of patience and compassion when learning life in a new place with new (and very close) family.  For a new job that she enjoys. For her marriage and everything that comes with adjustment.

April.  For encouragement during very difficult, physically painful times. That God will provide outlets for her and opportunities to connect with others. That God will heal her of her pains and give the doctors wisdom and clear direction in making her well.  

Sarah. For continued peace. For strength to face the challenges to come and for lots of patience and energy to soak in time with family before change occurs.  For continued influence on the hearts of the children she teaches. They love her so much. 

Mariah.  For acceptance, love and quality time with people who encourage her.  For patience and joy through always challenging teen years.  That she seeks God and is obedient despite feelings. For the ability to be respectful, tactful and loving to those around her.  To be a good influence on her friends and be surrounded by good influences.

Sarah.  That she can keep putting one foot in front of the other as she mourns her loss. That she will continue clinging to God's promises.  And that she will have the clarity of thought and mind so that she can keep up with day to day things and continue to love on others. 

Whitney. That God gives her strength and energy to tend to her active family while her other half is away. And that she will feel loved and not lonely while her husband is away. 

LaVon. For peace and clarity and for her to make wise choices that impact her financial, relational, spiritual, emotional, mental well-being. For energy and for patience when parenting a teenager. For emotional comfort.

Elaine. For a smooth transition into a new living envoronment. That she will find emotional stability and feel secure, safe and happy in her new home. That she will still be able to enjoy 'childhood' and also adjust to the responsibilities and decisions that come with adulthood. For wisdom, peace and courage as she faces difficult people and mixed emotions.

Teresa.  For health and well-being physically as she tends to those who are sick and hurting around her.  For energy and patience as she helps with church and mothers her kids. For comfort through loss.  

Lauren.  For new babies and toddlers and the joys and challenges they bring.  For energy and understanding and peace during transitions and learning. 

Jerika.  For her pregnancy, job, finances, health and will-power in making wise choices. I'm so proud of the choices she's been making... and I pray that others will see what I do. 

Mary. That she will continue to seek God in everything she does, including friendships and relationships.  For growing pains that come with adjusting to adulthood.  For clarity of mind when making choices and planning for the future.  

For friends who have recently lost loved ones, who are in school, who are healing from emotional wounds. For daily life after tragedy. For friends who are looking for employment, who are far away from home, who are missing their loved ones and keeping things a float. For friends who selflessly serve and love others even when the feel as though they have nothing left to give. For those who are making choices regarding their futures and the lives of their little ones. For those experienceing financial troubles and job difficulties. For those who influence others on a daily basis, that they would maintain a 'right' attitude and firm standards along with compassion.  For good health and answers to ongoing medical issues. For travel and safety. For encouragement and purpose during times when nothing seems to be in focus and nothing seems to work out as planned.  For hope in times when planning can't be done.  

...There are so may blogs I'd like to post ...but these are just a few that I try to keep up with and/or people I try to keep up with regularly.

Thank you, friends.

My heart hurts for those I love ...and certainly I'm not strong enough, powerful enough or energized enough to fix the issues at hand. So instead, I simply surrender.  It's a moment by moment thought process.  Worry, fear, uncertainty, growing pains, loss, love, sickness, exhaustion, loneliness ...give it to God.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, if you are worried or heartbroken or exhausted.  You are being faithful when you  surrender it all to God.  He's got you. You may not see it yet and you probably don't 'feel' it yet.... but he's shaping your for something. He's making something lovely. So hang in there.  You are going to make it through.

I will leave you with a song that's been on my heart...
Surrender- Vineyard


-Lauren

Direction

These things consistently keep fluttering around in my brain while laying in bed, when I’m getting ready in the morning, when I drive to work, when I’m cleaning up, when I attend showers and graduations, when I think of applying for jobs or look at our student loan bills…  some of which truly weigh heavily on my heart, a some are just brief moments of question and concern. I try to keep these feelings and thoughts at bay by focusing on God’s truth, His promises, His blessings in my life and my own responsibility for keeping my emotions in check. But this has been my recent journey and conversation with God…

God,

I really feel “misled” sometimes. I say this because it’s the only way I know how to. You obviously know my flaws. You know I'm capable of being stubborn and lazy and mean at times. But you, of all people, also know how much my heart desires you. You know how much I love you and how many times, despite mental/emotional chaos, I’ve still trusted. I have security in knowing you’ll never leave me or forsake me and for that I’m so grateful. You are always ‘there’ for me (here for me) when I need you most. There are definitely days though, when despite searching and seeking and praying, I don’t feel a clear answer from you.

I also wonder why (when you have presented me with a clear answer) you can be so quick to take it away.  It hurts so badly sometimes and it makes me question, not necessarily your goodness, but your direction in my life.  More so than that, it makes me question my ability to interpret your direction. How am I to know if I’m on the right track if it feels as though the leading that I’ve been following has had less than desirable ramifications?

I think (and thought) that I've done almost everything in my power to make wise choices. I seek wise (biblical) counsel, most with differing opinions.  I’ve tried to fill my mind with your truth. I’ve talked to you consistently, gotten involved and made steps toward seemingly open doors. So, what am I missing?

Jed say’s ‘patience’
…I need to learn patience, but I know it’s much deeper than that. I’ve been very patient before. I am capable of waiting and hoping. You saw me do it for years. You know that it’s not the waiting that I’m afraid of, it's waiting that won't lead to clarity.  

I suppose that I'm supposed to stay where I am right now, until you show me otherwise.  But I’m frightened by the idea that when you finally do show me, I will love it... If I'm too comfortable or want it too much, then you’ll take it away...  and my heart will be broken, yet again.  I know it’s a ridiculous fear (so selfish and over the top perhaps) but I end up fighting that feeling all the time.

I also can’t help but feel as though I've gotten reprimanded for following what I truly thought was your direction.  Like... going to college.  A big, no huge, “step if faith” in the financial department has left us in quite a predicament. Like, working really hard and then getting physically sick and tired.  Like... finally getting position within my field and then getting sick again. I could barely focus and my hormones were out of control.  Like... having surprise positive pregnancy test and then… no baby. What does it mean? How am I supposed to feel? What conclusions should I draw?

Were those things wrong?  In those cases, was the hardship a consequence of not following your direction well enough or was it simply a test?  Was it because I wasn't thankful or excited enough?   I really thought you led me in all of those things. I really did do what I thought was best, according to the information I had.

It's hard to see your perfect timing in it all when you seem to specifically allow something, but take it away. (Even if it's just the hope of something). I know it’s not much to pay in light of the incredible blessings you give,  but even the slightest dissolution of these hopes can really begin to break down the spirit.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be ‘sure’ about decisions again, full-knowing that you’ve orchestrated it all. I felt it when meeting and marrying Jed.  I knew, without a doubt, that we were best for each other, best with each other, and that we could serve you well as a team. But God, I’m so desperate for peace now too. I’m desperate to feel hopeful and at ease with choices and/or with standing still, if that’s what you want from me.

I haven’t lost hope though, and fear hasn’t overcome me. But God, I’m having a hard time feeling at peace. I'm so anxious. I know your truth, and I do believe it.  I’ve clung tightly to your truth this long and I’m so grateful that you’ve always brought me back to you when I decided to wander.  You delivered me when things completely crumbled and I’m so grateful for the blessings you’ve given me. These ridiculous girl feelings make it hard to function sometimes though. Mental chaos isn’t very becoming for a lady following after you.  It’s not that you feel distant or uncaring, God, just vague.

Masters degrees, masters degree, new jobs, family planning,  save money, spend money, pay more, enjoy some now or always plan for later?   ...So many questions.

I really need clarity of mind and heart. I know it’s a lot to ask, and it takes a lot of work on my end... but I know you are more than capable.  I’m trusting that your plan is perfect, that you are teaching me, growing me, making me new, and whole, and lovely. I’m trusting that instead of taking a 'step of faith', that my 'lack of stepping' will prove to be most faithful in our situation. 

I think you are telling me to wait. I don't feel peaceful about spending any more money and I don'twant to make the same 'mistakes' as before (regarding loan debt).  I think you are allowing this anxiety within me in order to (subtly or maybe not so subtly) show me your timing.

Please help me know that you are concerned about the seemingly small things in my life. They compile to make quite a mess in my mind.  I know others are dealing with pain and grief and uncertainty and they desperately need you, but I need to know you are small enough to tend to my heart and big enough to tend to those I love too. Help me see the obvious and give me the clarity I'm so desperate for.

Please know that I’m so grateful. I trust you. I love you. And I’m hanging on to your every word.

<3 Me

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; Psalm 37-23
 

And the Spirit of the Lord shall rest upon him, the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord.  Isaiah 11:2

Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O Lord, and whom you teach out of your law, to give him rest from days of trouble, until a pit is dug for the wicked. For the Lord will not forsake his people; he will not abandon his heritage;  Psalm 94:12-14

 The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord. All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit. Proverbs 16:1-2

She does not ponder the path of life; her ways wander, and she does not know it. Proverbs 5:6

 The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks justice. The law of his God is in his heart; his steps do not slip. Psalm 37:30-31

Overwhelmed

On a more serious note...

A lot has happened over the last few days. It feels like we've all been trapped in this whirlwind of dark weirdness.  So much in such short period of time and I haven't really had any time or energy to sit down and think about it, let alone put any of it in words.  I don't know about you but writing helps me process through all the emotions I have rolling around in my head and the unrest in my heart.

It's truly been a week of the most bizarre mix of emotions I've (maybe ever) experienced.

Overwhelmed.

For a few days there, the only thing I could express to people who asked how I was was...
 "too much"

I'm not a big fan of losing.
I don't like failure, I don't like losing control, I don't like crying, I don't like losing someone I love. I don't like having my hopes crushed by harsh reality. And I absolutely hate when the people that I love are hurting so deeply!  It's just hard. It's hard to process so many emotions at once, especially when those emotions are conflicting. It's hard not being able to 'fix it '...or having appropriate words to comfort with.  It's hard when something so precious is taken away.

It's hard.  It's so hard, in fact, that sometimes tears won't even come. It's like mental war.  No tears, just anxiety. Somewhere along the line, my defense mechanism changed from tears to...  nothing.  When I'm truly overwhelmed, I feel, nothing.

...But things have boiled over in the last couple of days that I didn't even realize were an issue.  Everything from jealousy to grief.  This whirling dervish of emotion includes things like:

Fear. Fear about things I didn't even know I could be scared of  like meeting and then losing a child.  I've definitely thought about things like miscarriage, being child-less, fostering children (and them having to go back home), but never this.

Aggravation with God's 'Justness'... especially when I see such dysfunctional families on a daily basis and then I see loving parents losing children.

Difficult memories surrounding many near-death experiences with my mom, hospitals, surgeries etc. Hospitals instantly make me anxious. Even when going to meet Evie, I was so anxious as soon as we pulled into the hospital.

Memories regarding family and holidays that changed because of death or missing people.

Memories of people I loved choosing to walk away or dying.

No matter the situation, the person, the issue... I was powerless. I couldn't make them stay. I couldn't make them love me, choose me.  I couldn't make their hurt go away.  I couldn't control death. All I could do is watch and hope.  Again and again, the things I prayed for and wanted came and went. But I always had hope that things would get better, that people would come around, that family would come, that Jesus was caring for the family I lost.

...but, I guess, at some point I stopped believing that hope was around the corner. I learned to expect disappointment.  I realized that by being a "realist",  blows of disappointment could be temporarily lessened. And that 'simple' change in thinking is still haunting me to this day.

At some point, controlling the tears in order to be strong for my mom or for my sister, changed into resentment, anger, frustration.  I then decided that I had to learn to control, not only the tears, but the emotions themselves.  I thought I was "guarding my heart".  The only way I knew how to do that was to push those emotions down deep and cover them up with anger. Afterall, when I was angry, I didn't hurt anymore.

I guess in a way, I'm kind of like a recovering addict.  I've been trying to change my entire way of thinking. The way I've been taught to, and consistently have processed life's hardships isn't applicable anymore. It isn't good for me, it isn't good for my marriage, for my family, our family.

For the last several months, and for this week in particular, I've been trying desperately to cling to the good. I've been trying to give the anger and frustration, jealousy, hurt, powerlessness, anxiety to God. And I've been fighting hard to suppress the anger and then fighting against the 'numbness' that a lack of anger seems to leave me with.  And fighting is hard.

It's hard to watch family walk through such difficult times.  And oddly enough, it's hard to see family pull together, be together, cry for each other, stay with each other, take care of each other (like our family does).  It's really hard to watch family love like they are supposed to. Weird, I know.  I sound like a lunatic.

But if you see me, and I'm quiet, it's probably because I'm processing.  Please don't think I'm heartless or disinterested, that couldn't be further from the truth.

Please, if you think of it, pray for me.  Pray that my heart and mind will match someday soon. Pray that the good stuff won't be so difficult to process emotionally and that I will be better equipped to sift through disappointments and surrender them to God. Loving is risky. There's so much to lose but there's also so much to gain. I'm clinging to the promises that God has given me ...and my family.

I'm so proud of Josh and Sarah for the incredible way they've handled themselves through everything. I'm particularly amazed with Sarah's ability to feel, and love, and hope despite their circumstances right now. I love you all so very much and I wish I could take your pain away. But I know that my best tool at the moment is prayer. I hope you feel them and know that you are cherished. <3