Little Notes for Little Eli -Part 6

6/15
Eli,

We worked on your nursery today! You have lots of little books and a sweet elephant lamp (thanks Nana!).  We got you a sound machine so you won't wake when Daddy and I are moseying around the house at bedtime. We bought you a slender little book case and bins for your bedtime stuff and middle of the night quick-change items.

You have such cute decorations too! The little pennants were made by your Aunt Sarah. Granny (and Grammy) made those little felt elephants and we (you and me and daddy) put the little elephant mobile together and hung it up. Your Nana got that perfect nightlight elephant on your book shelf and Your Papa and Mama hung up the shelf that has decorations on it too! 

It's small, but it's home. I think you'll be happy to sprawl out, even in your mini crib after doing 9 months on the inside ;)  I love it and I hope you will too.

Can't wait to bring you home,
Mommy

------
6/17

 27 weeks today, Little Guy.  Grow, Baby, Grow!

Chocolate milk and hot cocoa make us very happy before bed!  Also, we did a some of your little laundries today. Every time I see your little outfits and blankets, I just can't help feeling overwhelmed with excitement!  I can't wait to snuggle you!

------
6/21
Hungry Man,

We. Love. Macaroni.  I can't say this is a "new" craving ... I've kinda loved mac & cheese since, well, forever.  However the amount of effort I have been willing to exert in order to make mac and cheese says a lot about our desires recently.

No boxed option?  No problem.

Elbow noodles... cheddar cheese... noodles boiling... oven baking... 30 minutes wait time.
-- WILL DO!-- as long as we can eat a ton of it!  It had better be worth our while ;) For whatever reason, it's one of the few things that doesn't seem to make us feel nauseous at the moment.

Hooray for food,
Mom 
 
------
6/24

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6/26
Little One,

Here we are at work. It thought it was funny when I put on this on and you were basically covered!  I'm not typically this "thick" in my midsection but it was kinda fun feeling like I wasn't smuggling a volley ball for a brief moment.

This turned out to be a really rough day at work though. Everything was calm until the last 2 hours of the day when everyone in Virginia Beach decided to show up at the apartment. Feast or famine, you know?!  I ended up walking the property 3 times in a row, showing apartments at different sides of the community and climbing several flights of stairs with each prospect. I had a spur-of-the-moment re-show, an application and security deposit to work on, another rental to enter into the database, files to quickly shove together, notes to leave for my co-workers, multiple cash sheets and checks and deposit tickets to add up and put together, phones to forward, a clubhouse to close up and end of day reports to remember to print.  I didn't get to leave work until almost 7:30 (I should leave at 6) and still had to make the drop at the corporate office.

...Needless to say, after exerting so much effort and attempting to maintain professionalism and "spunk" through the end of the day,  Momma had a bit of a breakdown once I left the office. I cried all the way home. Then I cried into my Pedialyte at home for a good long while too. lol

My body really doesn't do well when walking or standing around normally nowadays, let alone walking around outside in the heat with no water break and no resting for almost 2 hours straight. It doesn't sound so bad, I know ... but believe me, in light of our recently altered routines, it was a pretty taxing evening.  I think you were annoyed as well. You kept kicking and kicking -- which didn't help my overly sensitive insides to calm down. Crazy kid.  It is taking a long time to get my body to settle down tonight though. Hopefully the next entry won't include a visit to labor and delivery again.

I'm sure you will eventually witness the ridiculousness that is hormones and exhaustion from your Momma one day and you'll look at me like I'm a nut-case. But do me a favor and just hug me, okay?

Love you to pieces,
Mom

------
6/28
Eli,

You have a new little cousin!
(Actually ... I guess you'll be the littlest cousin soon) Hooray, Joci is finally here!!!

We went swimming with Aunt Sarah and Mama on Friday, something we've been wanting to do for a while. It was incredibly nice to cool off in the water and feel no pressure on my body for a little while -- and feel the difference between pregnancy aches and actual pains. I'm sure it was especially nice for Sarah! After all, Joci was getting ready to make her big debut! Around 4 am this morning, we heard it was officially Joci's Birthday!!!

A little bit before we got the happy news from Josh and Sarah, I woke up with some pretty sharp pains (that reminded me of the kinds of pains I had before you and I were together). Those pains in on top of a few days of contractions and discomfort, I thought it was probably best to finally stop second guessing and head to the hospital to be checked out.

You, Sir, were as active as ever and your heart was beating strong. :) This time around contractions were there but not regular like last time! And luckily, no 'progress' was made and we credited the sharp pains to a ruptured cyst and went on our way. We have another appointment in just a few days, so we will see how everything goes then too. I'm beginning to wonder if my work schedule may have to change a little in order to keep me in the best shape to carry you. We will see.

***
In other AWESOME news:

We got to meet sweet Joci this morning!  She's so adorable and she has such chunky little cheeks. I just wanted to kiss them over and over again.

So many things went through my mind while holding her and loving on her. -- Like wanting to squeeze her so tight and tell her how loved she is. I got to hold Evie-girl but, given the timing and emotions surrounding everything, I didn't really let myself fully embrace her ... and it's something my heart regrets. Frankly I just didn't really know how to feel at the time.  It was so 'easy' to feel joyful and thankful while pressing my cheek against Joci's.  I cried a couple of times. I typically try to keep my emotions to myself... so that was kind of new for me. I just love those girls. <3

Holding that new little life also made me excited and so nervous about meeting you, little man.  Seeing her adorable head full of hair made me think even more about what you might look like.  The anticipation of meeting you is almost too much to bear! Truly, I can't imagine what you'll look like although I'm sure you'll look a lot like your dad and I'm sure that I'll think you are the most handsome kid on the whole entire planet. 

Holding that little pink bundle of fluff made me feel all ooey-gooey inside. (Like when I was a little girl holding my brand new baby sister for the first time).  I can only imagine how amazing it will be to finally hold you in my arms and kiss your little cheeks and hear your newborn sighs and finally have a face to put with the punches and kicks I've fallen in love with.

I can only imagine how scary it will be to also know that you are all mine (and Daddy's). --That we are completely responsible for you. Considering that I have a hard time keeping plants alive, I am a bit fearful of my feeding and parenting skills.  I'm not going to lie.  But we are going to wrap you up and take you home and you are going to wrap us around your little finger.  Our marriage, our family, our lives, will change forever.  For the better, my little love. <3

It was so wonderful having family gathered around celebrating together.  It's not something I've appreciated all that much until now, I have to admit.  I've tended to like my privacy and I've often distanced myself from potentially complicated or emotional situations (especially involving family). But I'm hopeful that when you come into this world, you will feel the love of your Daddy and I -- and so many wonderful people that we get to call family.  You are going to love having cousins that are close to your age and loving grandparents and Aunts and Uncles.  Believe me!

And, last but not least, it's incredible what new life does for your spirit. It's such an amazing thing to look at ten perfect little fingers and soft baby skin and realize that God make this precious, pint-sized, human in only 9 months.  It's just ... extraordinary!

Well, I guess that about sums up this particular installment of "The Mind of your Mother".  I love you Eli.  I can't say it enough.  Don't you ever forget it!

<3
Mom
  
------

7/1

I believe I've discovered the secret to our most resent bout with nausea.  ...Not having contractions.  When I don't feel terrible and my stomach doesn't feel like it's literally tied in knots, I actually want to feed us.  

When we are up for eating, we have been craving baked mac and cheese, pizza, reuben sandwiches and wonton soup and ...brownies.  When we can eat, we definitely do eat! :) 

Also, wow!  You are getting very strong little man! I'm pretty sure you have bruised my insides with all of your jabs and kicks. You seem to like to hang out in the same spot most of the time and you seem to have a pretty solid pattern going ... one super exercise day and then one day of mostly resting.

I think you wear yourself out and have to take a day to recuperate from all of your adventures! Anyway, maybe you and daddy can work out together (flutter kicks and punches) soon.  I have no doubt that you'll be great at them!

...and here we are at bedtime :) Your Aunt Sarah made you that adorable little onsie with a bowtie!  So cute! 

7/8

Your daddy finished his second day at Norfolk Police Academy today! We are very proud of him!  We have been very busy over the last couple of weeks preparing for this new adventure. I know your dad is incredibly excited that this is finally coming about! It's been a little unnerving trying to figure out a job switch, insurance switch, and all the other details that come with pay change and timing and other life changing events (YOU) ;) -- in such a short period of time. But we are committed and excited and we will figure out the rest as we go!

We couldn't be in a better situation to make everything work at the moment. It feels right and that is incredibly comforting. I have to admit though, I tend worry about him with this particular career choice ... but most of the time ... the best things require a lot of faith. I'm sure that's what you and I will be resting on a lot in the future.

Love you and daddy so very much,
<3
Mom

Little Notes for Little One - Part 1

1/5
Little One,

I can't stop staring at the test that told me that "I" am a "we".
<3

Your uncle Luke was hanging out on our couch and your daddy was laying on the loveseat when I found out that we would have you.  I really didn't expect to get such a wonderful answer and I couldn't contain myself! -- I always assumed that my announcement to your daddy would be a private and very special time (and it was special) --but funny since we were silently celebrating in the bathroom (so your uncle wouldn't hear about you) when those 2 pink lines made their appearance.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about you.  I wonder how tiny you are and what to expect when we will finally get to see you (via ultrasound). I can't wait to heart your little heart beating. I've been praying hard that you are growing strong.  I can't wait to find out everything about you!

Today your daddy and I talked quite a bit about what we are going to do to prepare for you.   I can't help but smile and want to jump around the room. --I won't be jumping though. I want you to stay snuggled right where you belong. The last thing I want to do is hurt you.

I can't wait to meet you! I just. can't. wait.  I have waited for you for (what seems like) an eternity.  I'm so happy that your daddy is so happy! I want to shout it from the rooftops and tell everyone I meet how excited I am and how special you are. But for now, you are our special secret.

Until we meet, <3
Mommy
----

1/10

Sweets,

I'm worried, I'm really worried.  All of a sudden, tonight, in the quiet-- while sifting through (yet again) "what to expect" sites and blogs --I realized how truly worried I am about you.  About losing you.

Obviously I don't 'know' you yet... We haven't spoken, and we haven't "met".  You haven't heard my voice or your dad's. We haven't heard you cry or felt you move --but I love you. So much. And every creative baby announcement pin and every online ultrasound photo and weekly baby calendar remind me how fragile you are and how afraid I am of not being able to completely protect you.  

My heart is racing and I can't make it stop. I want you. I want you. I want you. I'm praying so hard that God lets me have you and keep you and watch you grow.

Giving your life to my Father and yours,   
<3 Mom
----

1/21
Little One, 

Your Nana and Aunt Mariah, Granny and Grandaddy, Mama and Papa and your Uncle Luke, Josh, and Aunt Sarah know about you now!  It's been hard keeping my excitement in... but also hard to tell such a special secret because, to be honest, I'm a bit fearful. It was so worth it though.  You are going to be so loved. You are already so, so, loved!

Can't wait for you to meet these awesome people,
Mom
----

1/29
Silly Little Thing, 

I ended up telling my boss about you today... because recently you've been making my brain go all kinds of fuzzy! -- and wow, so tired. (I could fall asleep standing up or sitting at my desk. We need to pay the bills so I'm looking forward to this phase being over ...but quite happy because, I assume, that all this means you're going to grow well because these hormones are working well! ;)

Silly thing,
Love you.

Mom

----

1/30
Crazy Kid, 

Well, apparently you don't like Chicken (of any kind or any smell) and you've decided you like grape flavored fruit gummies. Odd... considering I don't like grape anything. -- you are your father's child ;) Oh, and mashed potatoes and cranberry juice seem to make you quite happy right now. So we have gotten a buffet of potato and cranberry products for you over the next few weeks.

--You'll probably be a 10 lb baby at this rate ;)

Love You,
Mom

----
2/1
Sweetheart, 

We saw you for the very first time today. It was amazing! I had hoped and prayed that we would be able to hear your tiny heart beating... and we did! 

You sounded like a little wooshing freight train.  It was strong enough that we heard it very easily, even though it's so early on. It felt like a huge hug from God. Incredible. He knew how much I wanted to hear you.

I cried and your dad just beamed. We couldn't resist recording that sweet little heart of yours.  I've been listening to it all day. -- and probably will for quite some time.

We also told "the world" that you are joining our family!  Again, you are very loved, Little One. <3

You Daddy is so in love with you too... I can tell. He was telling his gaming friends today that he was going to be a dad and was just beaming when he was recapping for me. 

Always-Always,
Mommy (& Daddy)

---
2/7/14
Well kiddo,

Momma seems to be sick.  Apparently your dad and I both got some sort of cold that won't take the hint and move along.  I'm really hoping that my normal nausea and super-sniffer-senses are the only things I have to worry about in the near future.

Apparently you're an indecisive little thing. ;) We have a fridge full of food but we don't like cranberry juice anymore and we don't like any form of meat.  Some of it smells so good... but these crazy taste-buds of ours seem to only taste/smell barn animals or canned tuna (weird). Not so appetizing.  We do like sweet pickles and vanilla ice cream - but not together -- We aren't that cliche ;)  We also really like apples... well, when the tartness doesn't make us gag.

Your dad has been good to us though... bringing us flat ginger ale and opening an obnoxious pickle jar of doom. -- and telling he loves us, even when one of us looks like we've been punched in the eyes and nose a few times.  You are just going to love your dad, little one. Seriously.  It's going to be hard to compete with that guy.  ;)

So that's the update.  I've been praying for you as you grow!  I've been feeding us lots of vitamins -- maybe you and I will be feeling better in no time!

<3,
Mom

The Difference

The difference between a "couple" and a "family" is one. 

One sweet pea to bring home.

One is the difference between being a wife and a mother. One is the difference between being a husband and a daddy. Oh how I'd love to change my title, our title.

...one more mouth to feed; one more reason to not sleep through the night; one more worry; one more responsibility. I know. ...but you can't change my heart.

My love and desire for a little one (our little one) laying on my chest, or curled up on my lap, overshadows any anxiety or worry about parenthood.

 When I think about becoming a little family of three, I think how lovely it would be to celebrate Christmas morning with our own family traditions. I think about all the things I'd like us to do...

Autumn walks, decorating pumpkins, and dressing up.  Snow angels, hot cocoa and 3 stockings hanging up.  Wagon rides and flower picking. Running around in the rain. Swinging and sliding and climbing, summertime popsicles and sprinkler fun.

Bedtime routines, tooth brushing, bath time, pajama dancing, reading, singing and late-night snuggles. Brushing hair off their forehead and kissing their soft cheeks and nose.

Watching their face as they learn something new or stand in amazement over something seemingly simplistic.

I think about how their daddy would dearly love them and hug them and teach them all sorts of things.

I think about how, if something happens to my love someday, I'll have a little piece of him -- maybe with his crazy hair and smiling eyes and sense of humor.

I really want to share something special. 

Just one, please, God.

Had I But Known That Giving Up is Best

I've been racking my brain for weeks trying to think of something that I haven't already written about (in a passionate but not at all grammatically correct way) that won't make anyone fall asleep and that I actually know something about. Tough, right?

I went through my regular list of "coulda, shoulda, wouldas" (to no avail) and ended up recounting my "expertise" in the areas of southern style sweet tea and attempting to control everything -ever. After amusing myself with significantly snarky "Had I but known" titles, a familiar tune can on my Pandora station.  Ingrid Michaelson's song, Giving Up, which brought me some much needed inspiration.

The very first time I heard this song, I wasn't quite sure what to think. I couldn't understand how a song about giving up could possibly be a love song. But after listening to it on repeat for about an hour, I realized that the song is a.) incredibly catchy and b.) isn't about giving up on someone at all, it's about giving up for them.

Let me explain...

Pop on over to www.annaurquhart.com (The Silent Isle) to see more of this article and other incredibly witty and wise posts from a sweet friend, Anna, and some of her amazing colleagues and friends! I'm so honored to be involved in this great series with wonderful writers (unlike me)  ;) Thank you, Anna.  You are lovely.

Letting Go and Letting God

Lord, I Need You

Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay

--An excellent and powerful reminder for days when you feel like praising
... and for days when your heart feels like a concrete in your chest.

All you can do is release control, aknowledge God's goodness, grace, power, and protection
...pray for peace and wisdom, and consistently remind your mind to have Faith in the Lord's promises.

I often need a daily reminder to release control.
Songs of praise and surrender have this incredible way of calming my anxiety and chipping away at the heavy heart within me.

I hope this song can be the song of your heart today (and everyday) too.
<3

Change

Change. 

I honestly don’t know.  

Actually...

No.  I'm not ever ready for change. 

I'm not going to lie.  I'm freaking out inside! 

Am I ready to move on Saturday?! yes and no. I feel tense and my stomach is in knots just thinking of all the possibilities for trouble.  

I feel as though things are a bit awkward at the office right now  (which is understandable when one only has 2 weeks left).  

I’m nervous about leaving my job and becoming "bored" in my new situation.  (Which I know sounds ridiculous- I will still be working... but it's going to look and be so much different and "boredom" is a legitimate fear of mine.)  

I'm also scared of new anything. period. 

I’m worried about finances and frankly (selfishly)- I’m a bit freaked out about potentially not having the funds to escape for date nights or girls nights etc... which I've been able to do in recent months.  It's been such a huge blessing to be able to hang out and have pleasant communications (on a whim) and after spending the majority of my days with potty-mouths and angsty-pants over the phone. 

All that to say... 

I guess I'm about as "ready" as I'll ever be.   My 'gut' says that moving and a job change is best right now. God has lined everything up to work out as smoothly as possible, so I can't, in good conscience, conclude that my anxiousness is anything other than fear. 

...So I've been praying these words over and over today.   

I keep praying (requesting) that God's will be done in everything that we choose right now, that God would calm my nerves, and orchestrate the final pieces of the puzzle that would help this planner feel a bit better about all the new that's about to happen. 

...and I keep thinking of what God would say if He was trying to ease my fears.

I think He would hold the sides of my shoulders firmly (yet gently),  look me straight in the eye and say something like...

...then He would pull me in close and hug me tightly (just like my Dad would).

 He'd hold me for a second, take a deep breath and then crack a silly joke to make me smile...

... and pull me back in for another firm hug.  I'd use the shoulder of his dad-shirt as a tissue and then I'd feel...  better. 

I have faith that God will provide the means necessary to make this work as well as the  strength and discipline to be alright. 

  

My fears don't come from lack of trust in God's abilities but rather a lack of trust in my own.  (Which, I must say, is probably a very good thing.)

*I mean,  If I was left to my own devices, I'd probably be 800 pounds due to sweet-tea and chocolate chip pancake intake. I would have racked up the national debt in new blouses and I would be spending all my 'free' time at Disney World. - I'm just sayin'.  

... So it's probably best that I don't trust my spontaneous wants all the time.  I know that God would not approve of my financially irresponsible, gluttonous and vain habits. 

We've prayed and consulted, crunched numbers and re-evaluated our goals.

But the question remains:

Are we really willing to risk our comfort and our obvious security in order to follow His direction?  Am I really willing?

Sometimes change (as scary and risky as it may be) is a step towards hope... a step in the right direction. 

Faith.  

Sometimes faith means being still and waiting.  Sometimes faith is risk-taking. 

Faith is always trusting in God's provision and plan (whether waiting or doing).  

Even when we fail, there may be consequences... but God is bigger than all the wrong we are capable of.  We aren't beyond redemption. We aren't beyond repair.   I'm not beyond repair.  As long as we seek Him, he promises that he will direct our paths. 

Will it look the way we originally expected? Maybe not. 

Will we still be okay?  Yes.  

Our God is loving and gracious and merciful. 

I'm praying desperately that God is very merciful with me during these times of adjustment.  Because if I know anything about myself,  I know that I have a really hard time with new things.  

So I'm praying now... before the new begins... that He will give me a thankful and joyful heart and a very flexible attitude.  

I know good things are happening and I'm so excited to see what He has in store for us in the coming months!

New Year, New Page.

I'd like to get a certain something off my heart... now that a new year has come and things have settled down a bit.

This isn't going to be poetic or beautiful or meaningful, I'm sure... I apologize in advance for the length of this post.  Forgive me if this doesn't come out right and if I sound horrible or crazy. I just want to/need to put this out there so maybe my heart will have a chance to heal and my mind can 'let go' ...and perhaps allow some folks to be a bit more understanding and 'tender' with me.

There are days when, honestly, I don't think about it.  Luckily, for me, I definitely don't have the emotional burden of 'emptiness' (as she calls it) and loss like my sister-in-law, Sarah.  I haven't met and lost and I haven't known anything different than the family 'normal' that I've known for the last couple years...   which, I know, must be a blessing.

But there have been several (no, many) instances in the last year (especially recently) when I just can't keep myself from falling into these huge waves of emotion.  I can't seem to pull myself out of this pool of anger and jealousy, guilt, regret and mostly disappointment.

With Josh and Sarah's announcement in April, news of a baby girl, Evie's birth in early November, Evie's arrival in heaven and her memorial celebration...  and many more baby hopes and announcements from close friends and couples my age,  I can't possibly keep shoving everything down.  I think I made it through this year pretty well (at least until the holidays and until things settled down).

...But I've been watching kids play and mommas snuggle their little ones. I've been playing with toddlers, going to showers, and talking about pregnancy with friends, and even helping to announce pregnancy...  and it's kills me inside ...because I lied. And I know that's my fault.

I said it was was one false positive.  I lied.  It wasn't... it was three. Three, very seemingly real, positives in a few day span.

And by my calculations, our little one should have made his or her arrival sometime in late October or Early November.  I'm almost certain that we got pregnant in the first couple weeks of February, right around the time that my hormones were getting back to 'normal' after a bout with thyroiditis and after a birth-control switch.  But something was still 'off'.

March- 
After much prodding at work due to my co-workers confidence in my pregnancy symptoms, I took a test just to make sure.  Faint double line.  No! What?!...clearly my hormones are just crazy.  We've been really careful.

I picked up a two pack of tests this time and I waited through the longest day of my life.  Faint double line.  So I waited (an excruciating) couple more days and took the second test, Positive.  Double lines. There it was.

My first reaction:
The girls at work were right?!  Ohmygosh! A baby! I love babies!  Our baby. <3

My day 2 reaction:
Complete PANIC.

I had -just- spent the last few months focusing on how difficult life would be financially if we were to have a surprise baby.  I -just- spoke to a few close friends about my worries and our plans days ago. I was just talking about how I wish we could start a family but how stressed I was about loan debt and housing and ...everything really.  I was just talking about how I'm not ready yet.  I'm not stable enough, energetic enough, healthy enough.

...
What will Jed say?  He's not going to know what to do. He's going to be angry.  I might watch him have a panic attack right here, right now.  He doesn't want this yet... he's made that clear.  I didn't sneakily try this.  I do want this so much but I'm so petrified of what all this means.

Jed is so busy right now preparing for this huge work event, I can't put this on him now.  He might seriously lose his mind.  He will definitely lose his concentration.  I might lose my mind.

What am I supposed to do? Who do I tell first?  I tell Jed first  ...but I can't tell him yet.  Too much stress.  It's got to be pretty early (I think).  Should I make an appointment? But I shouldn't/can't take more time off work for this. I've been to the doctor about a million times over hormone stuff and birth control recently.

Should I be celebrating? Planning?  Where will we put her/him... in a sock drawer?

Why now, God?  We don't even have our own place. We just started new jobs. We just started this young adults thing... 

Okay, settle. Keep it together.

Keep it a secret until Jed's work thing settles down. Find a good time and then... a talk.  Jed will understand.  He loves me. These things happen.


...
He will be a wonderful dad. He will adjust and he will be responsible and love like no other.

Maybe it's a blessing. What am I talking about?! It is a blessing. It's what I want so badly.  I just wish timing was different and finances were better. A baby. *Sigh* A family ... just like I've always dreamed of and prayed for.

Well, I prayed that someday I could get pregnant. Obviously God thinks now is an appropriate time. Okay, God.  We can do this.  We are married adults. We will make it work, whatever it takes. We will love him/her so much. We may not have the 'ideal' financial situation.  But then again, who does?  I may not be able to stay at home but...  it will be okay. God won't give us more than we can handle, right?

Everything will be okay.  I'll tell Jed soon.  Lets jut get past this week and next... and I'll find a time after all the work chaos ends. 

...
March 28-
I'm really hoping this is 'normal'...

March 30-
Apparently telling won't be necessary.  Pain, horrible cramps, can barely walk.

April 5-
Ultrasound.
Confirmed.  No baby.

SHUT DOWN.
Back to work.

...
All this worry and planning, emotion and mental chaos for what?  ...For a let-down like this?!!!! I already let it sink into my heart, God!

How could you let me want this, God!  ...I didn't even know how much until (I thought) you showed me.  But now what? You're going to take this away?

Stop it, Lauren. You can't get angry over something you weren't completely sold-out about to begin with.  Just pack it away.  It stays a secret.  No one else needs to know anyway. After all, it's my stupid body, my stupid emotions. Keep yourself under control.

...
Just be grateful.  Nothing has changed, right?  Proceed as usual.
If I focus on normal things then surely this disappointment will go away. It was just weeks ago when I didn't know any different.

Keep busy. Just keep busy. 

Oh good, new things on the horizon. Party planning, new job.  I can erase this whole thing from my mind.

...
April 7-
Finally something to celebrate!  Teresa's Birthday. This will get my mind off things. :) Fun planning and fun times.

Surprise!
... Josh and Sarah are having another baby.
...a little over 6 weeks along.

I should have been about 10 weeks right now and should have been able to confidently announce it in just another 2 weeks or so.

Seriously, God?! How can you be so cruel?
How am I supposed to be joyful with them?

I feel so stupid for hoping. I should have known better.  Why am I so emotional over something so small, something so 'unimportant' to everyone else.  Something no one else even knows about.  It should be unimportant to me too. I'm so stupid.

Oh God!  That's what it was...
I didn't want this baby enough.
Or maybe I wanted it too much?  For the wrong reasons? God, I don't know.

...Because I didn't love her/him the whole time.  I didn't plan it and didn't 'take care' of him or her well enough.  It's because I didn't tell Jed.  It's because I waited to say something.  I waited too long. This is punishment for lying.    Ashamed.

Some people say that "unplanned" and "unwanted" are interchangeable.  So... I unwanted this kid right out of being.

Guilty.
Disappointed.
Betrayed.
Jealous.

Numb.


July-
It's a girl.
Boiling.
Jealous. Angry. Betrayed.

Horrible news.
I take it back... I'm not jealous. Not really, God.  A niece would be nice.
God, I didn't mean this. What are you doing?!
You are making a complete mess of hearts! How could any of this possibly be good, how could this possibly be helpful, useful?

Wow. Yet another layer of confusion on top of an already broken 'hope'.

Public blog posts and lots of support.
I want that.
God, I need to release all this... this anxiety.  I need someone to know. I need someone to understand.

It's not your time now. You've missed your chance to be comforted.  It's not a big deal,  especially now.  This only hurts you anyway, don't be so selfish.

But I still need some comfort and I have to tell Jed.  I feel so guilty.

...So I tell a half truth.

"I got a positive pregnancy test a while ago...  I didn't tell you. I'm sorry."
"What?..."  " You're pr..."
"No. I'm not."
...
...
"It was probably a false positive. Your hormones have been crazy"
"Right."   ..."It was probably just a mistake"
...
...
"You were excited, weren't you? ... I'm sorry, baby."


...
Its rare to get false positives, but not impossible, right?
That's all it was. Just a mistake.  Just a stupid misunderstanding on my part.

Pack it down, again.


...
Babies. Babies, everywhere!  I don't have a baby.  I'm just hormonal and crazy and fat and baby-less. My horrible uterus can't even keep something precious safe for more than a couple of months. Pathetic.

Excellent.
Mother's day. Awkward.
A sweet card from someone who understands... but doesn't even know that they do.  <3


August, September-
We should be celebrating perfectly big bellies. Instead, new clothing because of hormonal weight. Instead, grief.

Waiting.  Just get past this.... focus on encouraging the ones who are really hurting.
I don't need to grieve something that isn't as real or visible.

October-
Rain.
Lots of physical pains.
Can't help but feel as though this should be for a purpose this month. I wish this agony had a baby joy at the end.
Empty. Secretly.


November-
Confused. Angry. Waiting ....for the next heartbreaking thing.
So much sadness.
and yet, still wishing for our own "celebration", birthday song, family gathering.
Death. Tears. Morning.
Mourning.
Wishing cousins could be close. Wishing I could fix it all, take back my initial thoughts.

Detach to survive.

So many people pull together.  Everyone has been so involved, so supportive.  They've all been waiting and praying, hoping and preparing and encouraging.
Grief and Emptiness.
Except everyone feels empty.

New fears.
Overwhelmed. Weary. Silent.

...Waiting for God to fill the gaps.  To raise the clouds of uncertainty and sadness and bring about the 'happy' again.

Thanksgiving-  
Grateful for Evie.

Christmas- 
Escape to PA. No consistent reminders.

December 31-
25 now.  Not old, just hurting.
...Just thought I'd have a 'special' birthday this year and there would be 'special' holiday celebrations for everyone.

'Accidents' don't usually happen twice.  We definitely won't be parents for quite a while now.
Lots of tears.

2013-
Angry.
...Because I'm hurt and jealous. Because I feel betrayed.

I can't keep doing this.  I can't be angry. No, I can't be boiling inside. I want to be happy.
But how?

Isn't it obvious?

Now- 
I know I need to tackle my emotions and kill the anger and jealousy at the source.
I want this year to be good, on track... and I don't want to keep carrying this burden.

So I'm putting it out in the open.
Not for drama, not for 'fussing'...
just for my own sanity.


Please, don't ask and please don't make it a 'thing'.
Just know. 

And please pray for me too.
I know my situation doesn't compare at all to the grief and suffering of those around me...  I know there isn't a face to put to this...  and this kind of thing happens to everyone...
but still, please pray for my heart.
<3

I'm eager for a fresh page and new hopes.

I confess. I've been terrible. I've been angry and jealous and guilty... and I know I caused it.
...and I don't want 2013 to continue on the same path.

God, please, I'm willing...    Renew my mind and mend my heart. 

<3 Lauren

Promise and Purpose for the New Year

Promises for 2013...and always:

Things to Remember this year:

 

Be Grateful:

Be Content:

Be Courageous:

Be Careful:

Be Moldable:

Be Constant in Prayer:

Be Hopeful: 

Be Kind: 

 

Be Realistic:

...Only Jesus can save. 

Be Patient: 

Don't Be Angry: 

Forgive:

 

Don't Compare:

Look Forward:

The new year typically ushers in many 'resolutions'...

New diet plans, work-out routines, new promises, new desires and plenty of hope for new beginnings...

but how many times do we actually follow through? 

How many resolutions die off after a few weeks or months? 

How many things do we start and fail to finish well?

This year, I don't chose 'resolution',

I choose 'revolution'

Revolution in my own life.  

I'm not simply deciding;  I am going to act.  

This not an addition to my daily routine.  It's a replacement of my daily routine.  

It's surrender.

I'm overthrowing anger and bitterness, mistrust, jealousy and fear.

I am going to seek God's face.  (only His face)

I am going to meditate on truth.

I am going to be constant in prayer.

... on a moment by moment basis.

I know that I'm not strong enough, brave enough, or motivated enough on my own... and I know I will fail at times.... but I surrender to what God has for me this year.  It may not be what I want now, it may not be what I think is best,  easiest, or the most 'glamourous'...  

But I'm going to chose to believe that God has me right where he wants me.

I'm going to choose to believe, once again, that God will give my the deepest desires of my heart if I delight myself in him.  I'm going to believe that God sees the unseen and that's good enough for me.

I'm going to believe the best about people.  I'm going to love. I'm going to forgive. I'm going to be glad for others and I'm not going to allow jealousy to creep in and steal my joy.  

I'm going to trade in anger for tears, if that's what it takes. 

I'm going trust that something beautiful is coming.

I'm going to talk to myself like God would talk to me.  

I'm going to assume that others aren't judging me as harshly as I judge myself.

I'm going to take time to be still.

I'm going to be hopeful.  

What's your New Year's Revolution?