A Sore Reminder

It's hard to see adorable pregnancy pictures, baby announcements, family photos, and gushing parent/grandparent stories of cuteness and sweetness and pride.

But It's harder to hear stories about girls having kids in high school, parents that abuse or neglect the kids that they never wanted to begin with, the system scammers that purposefully get pregnant as a means of maintaining government assistance or 'keeping up' with other family members. It's hard to hear about 'accidents' and babies born to single parents who wished things would have turned out differently.

It hurts because... while it obviously doesn't matter to some, it matters to me. 

---
It's hard to be in pain. Physical pain is like a magnifying glass for all (regularly bearable) emotional triggers.

It's that time of month... The physically exhausting and painful phase when bending, bumping, laughing, hugging, sneezing, sitting, laying, twisting... breathing... seems to hurt.  When normal activities, like reaching to get a glass from the top shelf of the cupboard or putting on pajama pants, make you hold your breath and close your eyes.  When no pose or posture takes away the ache.

Thank God these "phases" come with a break in between. I can't tell you how grateful I am that the pain usually doesn't last for days on end --like some of my friends who deal with excruciating pain and treatments on a daily basis.  At least in my case, the few days of 'ouch,' usually come and go pretty quickly.

By God's grace I managed to make it past moving month and past my 1st month at work before any significant hurt set in. God got me through the majority of my work day today without any unmanageable (or visible) signs or pain and I'm scheduled to have the day off tomorrow.  Thank you, God!

But I'm having a hard time today -- tonight -- this week.

First came "the fever".
My familiar friend.  Hoping, wishing and trying to wait patiently for my turn/our turn. Oogling over little ones, sweet families, adorable outfits. Making light of family hopes and "when we-s".

Then comes the pain.
The sore reminder of a vacant oven and (potentially) broken one. Always unexpected and never to be counted on. Always depressing. Always.

Today, instead of trying to cover a baby bump like so many of my friends, I try to stay comfortable and cover a swollen mid-section. I continue on with work, and chores, and social obligations, while so deeply wishing that God hadn't said no.  ...wishing that plans wouldn't change and efforts would count for something.

So today, I'm simply grateful that...

Even at my worst, in my hurt... God is still good, and I am still human. ...And He still loves His girl. 

..And that reminds me, once again, of how desperate I am for the kind of comfort only He can give. 

Decisions, Decisions.

I know I've been quiet for a couple of months and thought I'd let you in on the inner workings of this mind of mine. There are about a million and two questions that have been circling my mind and laying heavy on my heart over the last several weeks. 

Here are 5: 

1. Do I really have to give up what we just thought God was orchestrating for us, change my job yet again and revert back to our living situation from 6 months ago? (not that it's the worst- certainly far from it- so don't get me wrong. It's more about the principle and resulting hurt than the situation itself)

2. Do I really have to give up hope on having a baby, yet again, after feeling so hopeful and sure that God was orchestrating it for us... and wait another year to 2 years before trying for family (assuming that in 2 more years, things will be okay financially).  This breaks my heart and I have to constantly put it in 'check'.

3. Would I rather give up the stress of my current job (which allows some flexibility and 'at home' hours) in hopes of making more money (to hopefully aid in family planning)...
OR 
4. Would I rather stay where I am (stretching myself thin with work and stress and praying for consistent opportunity for cash-flow) in hopes of having space and the ability to stay home with an infant (that may or may not come to be in the next year or 2).

5. Which risk is the most 'right'?

Here are my options:

Option #1.
Work a 'normal' 9-5 office job again, leaving our 2 bedroom place behind, and moving back into the cottage so we can try to save money. 

2 year job commitment to prevent job-hopping -resume.
Ability to rest without being 'on call' 24-7.
1 bedroom studio (great little space for just us!) instead of 2 bedroom apartment.
Little room for growth, space-wise.
Little flexibility with 9-5 job
Great flexibility at the cottage if the "bottom falls out" financially.
Great flexibility with choosing to lease in the future (not held to a lease agreement).
Less expense, more savings.
Ability to pick up side-job.
Evenings and weekends free for service, friends, family and rest (as finances allow when trying to save a great deal of money)

Option #2
Work a 'normal' 9-5 office job again, leaving our 2 bedroom place behind, and moving into a 1 bedroom apartment. 

2 year job commitment to prevent job-hopping -resume.
Ability to rest without being 'on call' 24-7.
1 bedroom apartment (with a bedroom door-hooray) instead of 2 bedroom apartment.
Little room for growth, space-wise.
Little flexibility with 9-5 job.
Little flexibility with lease agreement.
Added expenses, added income, little to no savings.
Ability to pick up side-job.
Evenings and weekends free for service, friends, family and rest (as finances allow).
Privacy and space.
Possibility to be close to job(s) for convenience.

Option #3
Continue where we are, managing apartment complex, but pick up multiple side jobs to make ends meet.

Job directly relates to housing situation.
2 bedroom apartment.
Room for growth and guests.
Great neighborhood and area.
Flexibility in terms of day to day activities and timing.
Ability to 'stay at home' with a child.
I don't have to travel to work at all.
Not particularly convenient travel to daily activities but not terrible.
Ability to work side job(s) to make ends meet.
Have to work side job(s) to make ends meet.
Expected to be 'on call' 24-7 and 'in-office' for 44 hours a week. (Monday - Saturday)
Only compensated for 20 hours of weekly work in exchange for housing.
Only one day off per week (Sunday- but emergencies always take precedence)
On call 24-7.  Little rest, often high stress and 'emergency' deadlines that must be met.
Having to take on side-jobs doesn't allow a great deal of time for serving (at church) like I'd like to, doesn't allow us to give (financially), like I'd like to, or maintain relationships like I'd like to.

*there are so many variations of each of these options depending on jobs, pay rates, hours worked and days worked...

Around and around we go....


I measure just about everything through these three questions:
Is it RIGHTeous?  Is it Logical?  Does it bring glory to God?

None of these options, despite lots of prayers, have been clearly laid out as much more right or more logical or more glorifying that the others. Not having clarity on these things really makes decision-making incredibly difficult and exhausting. -- One moment I'm crying over not wanting to give up on what I thought we would have here, at this job and house... and the next, I'm thinking that, perhaps, with just a little more time and money we can finally get 'there' ...and with the next breath I'm wondering if God wants us to get 'there' at all.

What takes precedence?  Giving (money and time) to church, family, friends? Having a family of our own?Serving and witnessing through the workplace?  Being responsible with finances and saving as much as possible, as to not inconvenience or impose on family and friends?

I couldn't  be any more heavy-hearted or confused than I am now (and have been) while trying to seek clarity from God on these things so...

I'm completely and totally open to all suggestions.  What would you do? Have you ever been in a win/win or no-win situation?  How did you decide? What do you think? 


Before you think I've fallen off the deep-end (because my post isn't filled with bible verses) just know that my heart isn't ungrateful or unyielding or completely discontent.  This is my heart and my mind at work-- and it's been quite a battle.  ...and there's more to come on that.

Had I But Known That Giving Up is Best

I've been racking my brain for weeks trying to think of something that I haven't already written about (in a passionate but not at all grammatically correct way) that won't make anyone fall asleep and that I actually know something about. Tough, right?

I went through my regular list of "coulda, shoulda, wouldas" (to no avail) and ended up recounting my "expertise" in the areas of southern style sweet tea and attempting to control everything -ever. After amusing myself with significantly snarky "Had I but known" titles, a familiar tune can on my Pandora station.  Ingrid Michaelson's song, Giving Up, which brought me some much needed inspiration.

The very first time I heard this song, I wasn't quite sure what to think. I couldn't understand how a song about giving up could possibly be a love song. But after listening to it on repeat for about an hour, I realized that the song is a.) incredibly catchy and b.) isn't about giving up on someone at all, it's about giving up for them.

Let me explain...

Pop on over to www.annaurquhart.com (The Silent Isle) to see more of this article and other incredibly witty and wise posts from a sweet friend, Anna, and some of her amazing colleagues and friends! I'm so honored to be involved in this great series with wonderful writers (unlike me)  ;) Thank you, Anna.  You are lovely.

Letting Go and Letting God

Lord, I Need You

Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay

--An excellent and powerful reminder for days when you feel like praising
... and for days when your heart feels like a concrete in your chest.

All you can do is release control, aknowledge God's goodness, grace, power, and protection
...pray for peace and wisdom, and consistently remind your mind to have Faith in the Lord's promises.

I often need a daily reminder to release control.
Songs of praise and surrender have this incredible way of calming my anxiety and chipping away at the heavy heart within me.

I hope this song can be the song of your heart today (and everyday) too.
<3

Hope

Tomorrow marks 1 year since Baby's heavenly birthday.

and I just can't stop myself from thinking...

what if  things were different.

what if this extra room held a crib and a dresser filled with baby things  -little onesies, tiny socks, baby shoes, blankets, books, and sweaters with ears

what if the nursery could be filled with sweet little things picked especially for our little one

what if I knew I had a handsome boy or beautiful girl

what if they had a meaningful name that we both loved so much

what if my days were filled with diaper changes, feedings and coos

what if things weren't so quiet here

what if I could read a book and sing a soft lullaby before bed

what if, when I couldn't sleep, I could sneak into the nursery and just watch my little love sleep.

...

Those are just some of the things I miss and I miss them all the time.

I know I can't permanently live in the "what ifs" of life...
but just for today, I'm going to admit how often that little phrase crosses my mind and how often that Baby crosses my mind.

It may not seem like much... but for a little while last year, despite fear and disbelief, I knew that my dream of being a mom would soon come true, and that little Hope rooted quickly in my heart.

So today I think about Hope ...and Thank God for that brief joy of motherhood and the promise of life beyond this earth.

Feeling and Dealing

I know that I haven't had many encouraging words to say recently or interesting blog posts...

I just want to say that it isn't because I'm not happy. It's not because I'm horribly disinterested in maintaining 'normal' life like I've done for the past year, nearly.  I'm still living with great hope regarding the future.  But it feels as though a piece is missing, even though I never "knew the difference".  It feels like a little hope was stolen. It hurts to have to live "normally" when I know that this year would have been so different and it hurts to think that God would introduce something so special just to take it away. That's what I've been struggling with most. 

I've been actively trying to 'feel and deal' instead of pushing everything down or becoming numb like I did before. 

I've wanted to write something lovely and heartfelt and meaningful for weeks now... 

but nothing comes out right when it comes to this.  

There are so many thoughts and feelings in my head regarding the past year.  Those feelings piled on top of past hurts, plans, and current worries make it really difficult to differentiate things.  ...And since I can't seem to explain how I'm feeling and I typically end up talking in circles, I thought I'd share some excerpts from articles and stories from blogs I've been reading.  

I might seem ridiculous reading this from the perspective of someone else or from some random 'how-to' type article, but I think these excerpts sum up many of the emotions I've had over the last several months.  Amy went through a similar situation... and I think her thoughts and explanation closely resembles mine. 

Miscarriage is different than losing any other person in my life.  As soon as I see those "two lines," I am imagining this new child: will it be a boy or girl?  Will they have my dark hair and eyes or my husband's light hair and eyes?  What will they like to do?  Sports, music, writing, math?  Will they like to snuggle or will they prefer to roughhouse and play around? 

When I see those "two lines," I am automatically thinking nine months ahead and preparing my mind to add this child to our family. I am thinking of getting the carseat ready, the crib ready, the clothes ready…  So many thoughts and hopes and questions and plans. Despite not being prepared timing wise, I was so excited to learn more about this little one we made. 

When the miscarriage happens, I do not have a child to hold and say goodbye to, I do not have a funeral I can sense some closure from, and I don't have all the support from everyone around me to get me through the difficult time.

I recently talked with another friend about this experience, and we talked about how we have this cultural thing where we don't tell anyone we're pregnant (except very close family and friends) until we're 12 weeks along when the "risk" is gone. . .I wonder why we do that?  If a miscarriage happens, don't we want the support?  Isn't that the time when we go through such awful morning sickness and worry that we would appreciate the help?  These really are just musings because I was the same way. . .don't tell anyone that isn't super close until 12 weeks; looking back, maybe if I had done things differently, it would have been easier.  

Those who have been through this particular trial were those I was so grateful to have around me.  After my first miscarriage, I had a friend (who had been through a miscarriage herself not long before) bring me flowers and dinner when she found out.  It was so nice to feel someone knew what an empty space we felt and that flowers really were appropriate--you send flowers to a funeral, don't you?  I feel a miscarriage is the same thing: even if we never met the person, we grieve for them and feel a great sense of loss.

Someone brought me flowers when they found out, which I thought was so incredibly sweet and really thoughtful. It meant a lot.  It might sound odd, but I do think that it was good and necessary for me to have this finally feel like a loss, like a death that was 'worthy' of support  ...not just a bad dream or bad day to just 'get over'.   For so long I convinced myself that it was silly, in hopes of protecting my heart.

I really needed for this hurt to be validated, and still do. After all, I value life from conception, why wouldn't this be considered a loss?  I never want to feel like the loss of a baby (no matter how small) is silly or not worth being sad or disappointed about. 

Anyway, I found this article about unplanned pregnancy and miscarriage also...  It echoes some of the feelings I have had as well.  (Despite being unplanned, I did want this baby ...just didn't know what to do with the timing and finances)

"Many women bond with their baby early on in the pregnancy, and will feel incredibly sad that they will never know this child. 

She may feel the miscarriage is somehow her "fault" because the pregnancy was unplanned or unwanted. 

Women who were not planning a pregnancy may wonder how and why they became pregnant in the first place. 

Women who were not anticipating having a baby at this time in their life may simply feel guilty...  as though somehow everyone knows that they lost a baby they never wanted in the first place (this was one of the main reasons I didn't tell for so long) and that all other mothers or women who want to be mothers are censuring them... " 


These excerpts were from an article regarding both "unplanned" and "unwanted" pregnancies... which, despite being unplanned (in our case),  I still wanted very much. 

It's amazing how much love you can feel when that test says positive, even when it's a surprise.  It's incredible how many plans and hopes and wishes you have for someone you've never even met. It's been specifically difficult to be without any tangible reminders, keepsakes or photos.  

...until now, which leads me to my next post. 

New Year, New Page.

I'd like to get a certain something off my heart... now that a new year has come and things have settled down a bit.

This isn't going to be poetic or beautiful or meaningful, I'm sure... I apologize in advance for the length of this post.  Forgive me if this doesn't come out right and if I sound horrible or crazy. I just want to/need to put this out there so maybe my heart will have a chance to heal and my mind can 'let go' ...and perhaps allow some folks to be a bit more understanding and 'tender' with me.

There are days when, honestly, I don't think about it.  Luckily, for me, I definitely don't have the emotional burden of 'emptiness' (as she calls it) and loss like my sister-in-law, Sarah.  I haven't met and lost and I haven't known anything different than the family 'normal' that I've known for the last couple years...   which, I know, must be a blessing.

But there have been several (no, many) instances in the last year (especially recently) when I just can't keep myself from falling into these huge waves of emotion.  I can't seem to pull myself out of this pool of anger and jealousy, guilt, regret and mostly disappointment.

With Josh and Sarah's announcement in April, news of a baby girl, Evie's birth in early November, Evie's arrival in heaven and her memorial celebration...  and many more baby hopes and announcements from close friends and couples my age,  I can't possibly keep shoving everything down.  I think I made it through this year pretty well (at least until the holidays and until things settled down).

...But I've been watching kids play and mommas snuggle their little ones. I've been playing with toddlers, going to showers, and talking about pregnancy with friends, and even helping to announce pregnancy...  and it's kills me inside ...because I lied. And I know that's my fault.

I said it was was one false positive.  I lied.  It wasn't... it was three. Three, very seemingly real, positives in a few day span.

And by my calculations, our little one should have made his or her arrival sometime in late October or Early November.  I'm almost certain that we got pregnant in the first couple weeks of February, right around the time that my hormones were getting back to 'normal' after a bout with thyroiditis and after a birth-control switch.  But something was still 'off'.

March- 
After much prodding at work due to my co-workers confidence in my pregnancy symptoms, I took a test just to make sure.  Faint double line.  No! What?!...clearly my hormones are just crazy.  We've been really careful.

I picked up a two pack of tests this time and I waited through the longest day of my life.  Faint double line.  So I waited (an excruciating) couple more days and took the second test, Positive.  Double lines. There it was.

My first reaction:
The girls at work were right?!  Ohmygosh! A baby! I love babies!  Our baby. <3

My day 2 reaction:
Complete PANIC.

I had -just- spent the last few months focusing on how difficult life would be financially if we were to have a surprise baby.  I -just- spoke to a few close friends about my worries and our plans days ago. I was just talking about how I wish we could start a family but how stressed I was about loan debt and housing and ...everything really.  I was just talking about how I'm not ready yet.  I'm not stable enough, energetic enough, healthy enough.

...
What will Jed say?  He's not going to know what to do. He's going to be angry.  I might watch him have a panic attack right here, right now.  He doesn't want this yet... he's made that clear.  I didn't sneakily try this.  I do want this so much but I'm so petrified of what all this means.

Jed is so busy right now preparing for this huge work event, I can't put this on him now.  He might seriously lose his mind.  He will definitely lose his concentration.  I might lose my mind.

What am I supposed to do? Who do I tell first?  I tell Jed first  ...but I can't tell him yet.  Too much stress.  It's got to be pretty early (I think).  Should I make an appointment? But I shouldn't/can't take more time off work for this. I've been to the doctor about a million times over hormone stuff and birth control recently.

Should I be celebrating? Planning?  Where will we put her/him... in a sock drawer?

Why now, God?  We don't even have our own place. We just started new jobs. We just started this young adults thing... 

Okay, settle. Keep it together.

Keep it a secret until Jed's work thing settles down. Find a good time and then... a talk.  Jed will understand.  He loves me. These things happen.


...
He will be a wonderful dad. He will adjust and he will be responsible and love like no other.

Maybe it's a blessing. What am I talking about?! It is a blessing. It's what I want so badly.  I just wish timing was different and finances were better. A baby. *Sigh* A family ... just like I've always dreamed of and prayed for.

Well, I prayed that someday I could get pregnant. Obviously God thinks now is an appropriate time. Okay, God.  We can do this.  We are married adults. We will make it work, whatever it takes. We will love him/her so much. We may not have the 'ideal' financial situation.  But then again, who does?  I may not be able to stay at home but...  it will be okay. God won't give us more than we can handle, right?

Everything will be okay.  I'll tell Jed soon.  Lets jut get past this week and next... and I'll find a time after all the work chaos ends. 

...
March 28-
I'm really hoping this is 'normal'...

March 30-
Apparently telling won't be necessary.  Pain, horrible cramps, can barely walk.

April 5-
Ultrasound.
Confirmed.  No baby.

SHUT DOWN.
Back to work.

...
All this worry and planning, emotion and mental chaos for what?  ...For a let-down like this?!!!! I already let it sink into my heart, God!

How could you let me want this, God!  ...I didn't even know how much until (I thought) you showed me.  But now what? You're going to take this away?

Stop it, Lauren. You can't get angry over something you weren't completely sold-out about to begin with.  Just pack it away.  It stays a secret.  No one else needs to know anyway. After all, it's my stupid body, my stupid emotions. Keep yourself under control.

...
Just be grateful.  Nothing has changed, right?  Proceed as usual.
If I focus on normal things then surely this disappointment will go away. It was just weeks ago when I didn't know any different.

Keep busy. Just keep busy. 

Oh good, new things on the horizon. Party planning, new job.  I can erase this whole thing from my mind.

...
April 7-
Finally something to celebrate!  Teresa's Birthday. This will get my mind off things. :) Fun planning and fun times.

Surprise!
... Josh and Sarah are having another baby.
...a little over 6 weeks along.

I should have been about 10 weeks right now and should have been able to confidently announce it in just another 2 weeks or so.

Seriously, God?! How can you be so cruel?
How am I supposed to be joyful with them?

I feel so stupid for hoping. I should have known better.  Why am I so emotional over something so small, something so 'unimportant' to everyone else.  Something no one else even knows about.  It should be unimportant to me too. I'm so stupid.

Oh God!  That's what it was...
I didn't want this baby enough.
Or maybe I wanted it too much?  For the wrong reasons? God, I don't know.

...Because I didn't love her/him the whole time.  I didn't plan it and didn't 'take care' of him or her well enough.  It's because I didn't tell Jed.  It's because I waited to say something.  I waited too long. This is punishment for lying.    Ashamed.

Some people say that "unplanned" and "unwanted" are interchangeable.  So... I unwanted this kid right out of being.

Guilty.
Disappointed.
Betrayed.
Jealous.

Numb.


July-
It's a girl.
Boiling.
Jealous. Angry. Betrayed.

Horrible news.
I take it back... I'm not jealous. Not really, God.  A niece would be nice.
God, I didn't mean this. What are you doing?!
You are making a complete mess of hearts! How could any of this possibly be good, how could this possibly be helpful, useful?

Wow. Yet another layer of confusion on top of an already broken 'hope'.

Public blog posts and lots of support.
I want that.
God, I need to release all this... this anxiety.  I need someone to know. I need someone to understand.

It's not your time now. You've missed your chance to be comforted.  It's not a big deal,  especially now.  This only hurts you anyway, don't be so selfish.

But I still need some comfort and I have to tell Jed.  I feel so guilty.

...So I tell a half truth.

"I got a positive pregnancy test a while ago...  I didn't tell you. I'm sorry."
"What?..."  " You're pr..."
"No. I'm not."
...
...
"It was probably a false positive. Your hormones have been crazy"
"Right."   ..."It was probably just a mistake"
...
...
"You were excited, weren't you? ... I'm sorry, baby."


...
Its rare to get false positives, but not impossible, right?
That's all it was. Just a mistake.  Just a stupid misunderstanding on my part.

Pack it down, again.


...
Babies. Babies, everywhere!  I don't have a baby.  I'm just hormonal and crazy and fat and baby-less. My horrible uterus can't even keep something precious safe for more than a couple of months. Pathetic.

Excellent.
Mother's day. Awkward.
A sweet card from someone who understands... but doesn't even know that they do.  <3


August, September-
We should be celebrating perfectly big bellies. Instead, new clothing because of hormonal weight. Instead, grief.

Waiting.  Just get past this.... focus on encouraging the ones who are really hurting.
I don't need to grieve something that isn't as real or visible.

October-
Rain.
Lots of physical pains.
Can't help but feel as though this should be for a purpose this month. I wish this agony had a baby joy at the end.
Empty. Secretly.


November-
Confused. Angry. Waiting ....for the next heartbreaking thing.
So much sadness.
and yet, still wishing for our own "celebration", birthday song, family gathering.
Death. Tears. Morning.
Mourning.
Wishing cousins could be close. Wishing I could fix it all, take back my initial thoughts.

Detach to survive.

So many people pull together.  Everyone has been so involved, so supportive.  They've all been waiting and praying, hoping and preparing and encouraging.
Grief and Emptiness.
Except everyone feels empty.

New fears.
Overwhelmed. Weary. Silent.

...Waiting for God to fill the gaps.  To raise the clouds of uncertainty and sadness and bring about the 'happy' again.

Thanksgiving-  
Grateful for Evie.

Christmas- 
Escape to PA. No consistent reminders.

December 31-
25 now.  Not old, just hurting.
...Just thought I'd have a 'special' birthday this year and there would be 'special' holiday celebrations for everyone.

'Accidents' don't usually happen twice.  We definitely won't be parents for quite a while now.
Lots of tears.

2013-
Angry.
...Because I'm hurt and jealous. Because I feel betrayed.

I can't keep doing this.  I can't be angry. No, I can't be boiling inside. I want to be happy.
But how?

Isn't it obvious?

Now- 
I know I need to tackle my emotions and kill the anger and jealousy at the source.
I want this year to be good, on track... and I don't want to keep carrying this burden.

So I'm putting it out in the open.
Not for drama, not for 'fussing'...
just for my own sanity.


Please, don't ask and please don't make it a 'thing'.
Just know. 

And please pray for me too.
I know my situation doesn't compare at all to the grief and suffering of those around me...  I know there isn't a face to put to this...  and this kind of thing happens to everyone...
but still, please pray for my heart.
<3

I'm eager for a fresh page and new hopes.

I confess. I've been terrible. I've been angry and jealous and guilty... and I know I caused it.
...and I don't want 2013 to continue on the same path.

God, please, I'm willing...    Renew my mind and mend my heart. 

<3 Lauren

Rain

Rain

I think this picture perfectly sums up how I've been feeling.  

Don't know how else to explain it... 

Love love love this song ...and thought I'd share my snuggle-up, snuggle-in, warm drink, rainy day theme song.

I Love the Rain the Most -Joe Purdy

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Uncertainty

Uncertainty.  We’ve all dealt with it at one time or another.  Most of us are probably dealing with it right now.  Maybe we are uncertain about our future, our family, our finances. Uncertainty is one of those things in life that we generally expect but rarely know how to handle when it’s knocking at the door. Uncertainty can come in the form debt, a lost job or lessening work load, a new family addition, a strained relationship, the loss of a loved one, a new home, a changed plan, a new career, a sickness, weakness or a worsening economy.

Jed and I definitely know what it’s like to feel uncertain about our future. Every time something changes or we stay ‘stuck’, it feels as though a little bit of hope is ripped away.  We try to persevere despite being discouraged and we look for opportunities to aid us in our future. But I have to say that when one of our "open door" opportunities is slammed in our face, it hurts.  In fact, I think I'd rather have my fingers slammed inside of a doorframe than have that spark of hope distinguished. 

Last night, after finding out that our most recent hope of getting our loan payments reduced to a manageable amount (that would potentially provide us the ability to have a rent or mortgage payment, save for a down payment and hopefully eventually plan for a family) was no longer an option...  I had a brief mental meltdown.  I checked and rechecked, hoping I'd find something different. I dervished around the house for a few minutes and then, as soon as Jed hugged me (hugs are my kryptonite), I wept like a baby.  

Our conversation went something like this:

Lauren- *sobbing*

Jed- I know, babe.

Lauren- I'm just so *insert gasp for air* ...disappointed.

Jed- I know.  We just have to wait longer.  We just have to keep doing what we're doing.

Lauren- *tears*

Jed- Maybe God wants us to be a plate. 

Lauren-*insert wail to wake the neighbors*  ...but… I don't want to be a plate. *gasp* I'm in a china cabinet full of bowls.  I want to be a bowl too.

Jed- I know babe, I know. 

**This conversation may not make much sense to you but it was based on our, almost irritatingly applicable, sunday school message from that morning.  The topic was about the Potter and His clay. 

Being moldable isn't easy. 

Giving up the hope of being a bowl (if God wants you to be a plate) is almost unbearable at times. But I can honestly say that I believe that God is more than capable. He is good, giving, gracious, powerful, merciful, wonderful and loving. I also know that God is capable of working things out in ways we never could have imagined.  I’ve seen God's provision. I've heard of overwhelming peace and comfort during the hardest times and I’ve witnessed the power of prayer. I trust that he not only has the power to change our circumstances but he also has the power to change our hearts (if we let him).  I'm trusting that he can help me feel peaceful, content, hopeful, confident and loved.

In those moments when that last spark of hope seems to be distinguished, I have to realize that even if everything else goes awry, even if my life (as I know it - on earth) completely falls apart, even if my finances fail or my family is taken away, I have something wonderful to look forward to. There is something even more wonderful than the desires that I have for my future.  I have something even more worthwhile than family and friends, careers and money, church activities and service. 

I have hope in eternity. I hold tight to the promise that by being faithful on earth, I am storing up treasures in heaven. And though sometimes our hearts can’t fully comprehend the suffering, disappointment and uncertainties of life, it is comforting to know that our hearts can’t fully comprehend God's eternal goodness either.

Maybe with continued patience and perseverance, God will choose to bless us on earth in the way that we most desire... but maybe he will mold us into something new. I'm sure that if He does, He will certainly teach us to be the best darn plate anyone's ever seen! ;)   

My prayer is that God will continue to mold Jed and I together, keep us strong and bonded together, keep us pliable enough to accept his shaping and ultimately be strong enough to be used in whatever way He most desires.

Uncertainty is everywhere and it can be difficult to remain faithful but perhaps this mucky muddle we're in is really just the start of something beyond our understanding. Maybe it's something beautiful that's just taking shape. I'm going to choose to believe that it is. 

Baby Fever

Really struggling with "the fever" tonight...  and I don't mean Bieber fever.  I'm talking about BABY fever.

Maybe it's because I've been feeling nauseous and crampy and "hormonal" in recent weeks. Maybe it's because I'm exhausted.  Maybe it's because every symptom I've been feeling seems to be someone's experience with pregnancy.  Maybe it's because I'm frustrated that I feel so icky without any excitement to make it 'worth it'. Maybe it's because I've been baby gift shopping or because several close friends and acquaintances are celebrating and announcing pregnancy, the birth of new little ones or recent plans to try for a family. Maybe it's because every time a young married female is out the the office at any sort of appointment, it's obviously a baby.  Sigh... no people,  I'm not pregnant. And I'm disappointed every single time I have to say it (especially when I have to explain what's going health-wise in order to "convince" people that I'm not).  I already feel bloated and emotional and in pain half of the time, It certainly doesn't help my heart to feel as though I have to explain myself. Please don't assume that just because I'm a young, married, Christian woman, that I'm expecting.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so incredibly happy for my friends that are expecting and those that have recently added a new member to their family! I honestly am. I absolutely love shopping for baby clothes and cute little items...  I love celebrating and I especially love seeing prayers being answered! I'm excited to be involved and I love to be Auntie Lauren.

<3 AND seriously, I found some of the most adorable and snuggly little things at the store tonight... with my most favorite baby creatures... elephants!!! :) Jed found this little sweater and I just cried.  So cute, so sweet.

There have just been so many emotions recently...  my own feelings, family concerns and heartache... I can't even process everything going on with my dear sister-in law as well as extreme excitement and concern for some of my other dear friends.  There's been a lot to process and I'm having a difficult time switching gears from being (in certain instances) very private to very public, hopeful to realistic, excited and non-emotional and still very sensitive and tactful.  So please bear with me, friends.  I love to hear your news, I really really do, so don't stop sharing. I'm so grateful to be involved but please don't be offended if I cry.  I'm just emotional.

I'm telling you...
those baby elephants and mini pigs evoke cuteness crying emotion that rivals Kristen Bell's love for sloths.   You have to watch this >> Kristen Bell Sloth Meltdown Video LOL

... and that's sayin' something!  Oh yeah, I'm that crazy.

On that note, Good night dear friends...

Good night sweet Evie. We all love you so much.
Good night little bitty ones and Momma's to be.  Praying for you and loving you, even if I'm not close by. <3 <3 <3

One Crazy Woman.

I haven't been blogging as regularly recently not because work adventures have died down, not because I'm incredibly busy, not because I've become a hermit ... mostly just because I've been relaxing.  :)  It's actually quite nice.

...and by "relax" I mean, I still work and go to church. I still keep house and occasionally slaughter  the dust bunnies overtaking my closet floor.  I'm still cooking (oh, and I've been trying this new thing, it's called "eating the same thing almost every evening" and/or "alternating meals".  It sounds lame, I know, but it is rather glorious in a couple of ways...

1. We don't have to dirty a million new dishes every night.
2. Our sink isn't overflowing with pots and pans on a regular basis
3. Our little house isn't busting at the seams with the smells of fish, chicken, garlic or black beans (or whatever fragrant dish we had for dinner)
AND
4. We don't have to wash more than a couple plates, some silverware and a casserole dish or two at the end of the week!!!
See!!!! I told you...  GLORIOUS!

I've still been hanging out with people, trying to reach out to people, and Jed and I are trying to navigate the world of 'Young Adults' ministry.  Mostly I just think it's a fun excuse to spend time laughing like little kids with a bunch of big 'kids' who are all in a similar place in life. I'm enjoying in quite a lot! I've been praying that God really directs our steps in this and blesses the efforts of all the wonderful people who are participating with us. I know first hand how necessary it is in the church and how easy it is to fall into the cracks as a young adult... either fresh out of high school, fresh out of college, newly career bound or newly married. It's quite an adventure. For most of us there are quite a few years of transition behind us and many more in front of us. So we need a safe and encouraging place to grow and learn and figure out our 'iDENTITY'  (In Christ, in our church, our families and workplaces and world)

*see what I did there?  shameless, I know. ;)

Mostly though, I've been taking some time to just let God 'do what He will' in my heart and in my mind.

As you may know, I'm not a big reader of novels or biographies. (I know, I know ...but I'm a huge reader of articles.  Maybe I have the attention span of a goldfish, but I'm telling you, after focusing all day at work, I enjoy a nice, challenging, encouraging and inspirational article... and then I enjoy staring into space or 'Pinteresting' until there's nothing left to pin.)    :)

With regards to these articles, I've been finding a great deal of encouragement from this blog gracefortheroad and a few other random places that have been helping me on my recent journey. I'm trying to fill my brain with lots of good things. Lots of encouragement, lots of stable thoughts and LOTS of wisdom regarding Christianity, finances, career and family.

I've been sifting through a lot of baggage. I've been trying to get the voices out of my head (the ones from childhood, my teen years, my college years...) and simply focus on God's voice.  It's terribly difficult sometimes to sift through so many thoughts and feelings, experiences and fears. Some days are great, some days I'd kind of like to hide in a nice cozy nest of blankets in my bed and stay away from people and away from my own thoughts.

I've been praying a lot lately. I've been praying for family things going on, for grace, for mercy, for understanding regarding other's choices and actions, praying that I react appropriately, praying that I am able to let things 'roll off my back'.  I've been praying that God rids me of the fear of being disappointed or trampled and really creates extra compassion within me for such a tender time for myself and those around me. I've been praying that God uses the my struggles and struggles of the people around me to shape me and them, grow them and teach us a deeper meaning of compassion, understanding and mercy.

Over the last few months (okay, more like years) I've been in this difficult battle of emotion verses thought verses belief. It's kind of crazy sounding, but it's truly amazing how conflicted one can be when all of these elements don't mesh well.

Trying to direct my thoughts towards God alone, is quite a challenge.  My beliefs(A) regarding Christianity, service, my passions, my love for people, my love for God are all often counteracted by  by thoughts(B) which are almost always a knee-jerk reaction... based on experiences and hurts I've had and then my emotions(C) which, well, are just that... this ridiculous emotional outpouring of all the confusion and anxiety bottled up inside.

A+B+C = OCW.   
One Crazy Woman.

Oh, so on that note, we've made a rather interesting discovery regarding my hormones recently (which explains a lot)...

A brief run-down of the year of crazy: Within the last year, my thyroid stopped working (almost entirely) making me feel anxious, exhausted, unable to sleep, unable to concentrate and remember things (all while starting a new job). That ordeal lasted for quite a few months. The doctor couldn't treat it so he just tried to fix some of the symptoms... which really just threw other things off and caused other symptoms... but it did get better.  ...and then there was another lovely adventure with my weight once my thyroid kicked back in.   Thank God that issue is resolved!

...but more recently (after lots of female pains) I finally went back to the doctor and am now I'm on my way back to the endocrinologist. Apparently my hormone levels are way out of wack. Which, oddly enough,  it's kind of "nice" to hear.  Now I know I'm not entirely insane. At the same time, it's a bit scary.  Because if feels like something that can only be made "better" by trial and error. For anyone who's ever had to deal with hormonal issues before, it's not pleasant. There's almost always weight gain, emotional chaos, tension and a million other physical issues that come with putting things in your body that aren't made by your body.  (like... progesterone, estrogen etc...)  It's like trading in your spoon for a bowl of ice cream.  0_o There are no winners.

These hormones cause constant nausea, weight gain, stomach troubles, apparently they can intensify migraines, cause acne, and the list goes on.  In and of itself these things may not be all that dramatic... but considering my very strong desire to tidy up my heart and mind on top of my desperate need to feel "normal" again (emotionally, spiritually and physically) all this change and a lack of 'easy' solutions has been taking a toll.

Normal twenty-something uncertainties + physical imbalances + new things + sifting through old things + decisions + pain, exhaustion and aggravation =  you guessed it...  ORCW.

One REALLY Crazy Woman. 


On a lighter and truly happy note: I'm so very grateful that I have a very, very, very patient, gracious and merciful husband who knows my heart (even it's flaws)  who loves me, deals with my drama and still takes such good care of my tender little heart and spirit even when I'm basically a crazy person.

I've really, really been trying to rest. I'm trusting that God will provide what I need, when I need it. I'm hoping that by 'taking care' of myself now, in the way doctors suggest, won't end up hurting my body later. It tends to be cause and effect with these things. The choices I make now could have a significant effect on my ability to have children and issues like heart issues, cancer, diabetes and other diseases. And I'm legitimately trying to find the best options without being overcome with worry about my future and my future family plans.  I'm really hoping that eventually my body will be in some sort of balance. If it requires me to sacrifice certain things, then He will give me the strength, energy, and peace of mind I need.

He didn't create a mistake, so I've got to believe that I'm supposed to be physically 'out of wack' for some reason right now. And God only knows why...

It seems to be the family curse. Hormonal issues, female issues, cancer and several other major medical issues. I have to admit, it's my biggest fear (hands-down) to be unstable. Physically and (even more so) emotionally and mentally.

I've seen 'unstable' first-hand, and it isn't pretty.

But... I'm truly working on only listening to God. I'm doing everything in my power to seek wisdom, fill my head and heart with good and  mostly.... I'm relying on God to orchestrate it all.

and that's the update  <3