Uncertainty. We’ve all dealt with it at one time
or another. Most of us are probably dealing with it right now. Maybe
we are uncertain about our future, our family, our finances. Uncertainty is one
of those things in life that we generally expect but rarely know how to handle
when it’s knocking at the door. Uncertainty can come in the form debt, a lost
job or lessening work load, a new family addition, a strained relationship, the
loss of a loved one, a new home, a changed plan, a new career, a sickness,
weakness or a worsening economy.
Jed and I definitely know what it’s like to feel uncertain
about our future. Every time something changes or we stay ‘stuck’, it feels
as though a little bit of hope is ripped away. We try to persevere
despite being discouraged and we look for opportunities to aid us in our
future. But I have to say that when one of our "open door"
opportunities is slammed in our face, it hurts. In fact, I think I'd
rather have my fingers slammed inside of a doorframe than have that spark of
hope distinguished.
Last night, after finding out that our most recent hope of
getting our loan payments reduced to a manageable amount (that would
potentially provide us the ability to have a rent
or mortgage payment, save for a down payment and hopefully eventually
plan for a family) was no longer an option... I had a brief mental
meltdown. I checked and rechecked, hoping I'd find something different.
I dervished around the house for a few minutes and then, as soon as Jed
hugged me (hugs are my kryptonite), I wept like a baby.
Our conversation went something like this:
Lauren- *sobbing*
Jed- I know, babe.
Lauren- I'm just so
*insert gasp for air* ...disappointed.
Jed- I know. We
just have to wait longer. We just have to keep doing what we're doing.
Lauren- *tears*
Jed- Maybe God wants us
to be a plate.
Lauren-*insert wail to
wake the neighbors* ...but… I don't want to be a plate. *gasp*
I'm in a china cabinet full of bowls. I want to be a bowl too.
Jed- I know babe, I know.
**This
conversation may not make much sense to you but it was based on our, almost
irritatingly applicable, sunday school message from that morning. The
topic was about the Potter and His clay.
Being moldable isn't easy.
Giving up the hope of being a
bowl (if God wants you to be a plate) is almost unbearable at times. But I can
honestly say that I believe that God is more than capable. He is good, giving, gracious, powerful,
merciful, wonderful and loving. I also know that God is capable of working
things out in ways we never could have imagined. I’ve seen God's
provision. I've heard of overwhelming peace and comfort during the hardest
times and I’ve witnessed the power of prayer. I trust that he not only has
the power to change our circumstances but he also has the power to change our
hearts (if we let him). I'm trusting that
he can help me feel peaceful, content, hopeful, confident and loved.
In those moments when that last spark of hope seems to be
distinguished, I have to realize that even if everything else goes awry, even
if my life (as I know it - on earth) completely falls apart, even if my finances
fail or my family is taken away, I have something wonderful to look forward
to. There is something even more wonderful than the desires that I have
for my future. I have something even more worthwhile than family and
friends, careers and money, church activities and service.
I have hope in eternity. I hold tight to the promise that by
being faithful on earth, I am storing up treasures in heaven. And though
sometimes our hearts can’t fully comprehend the suffering, disappointment and
uncertainties of life, it is comforting to know that our hearts can’t fully
comprehend God's eternal goodness either.
Maybe
with continued patience and perseverance, God will choose to bless us on earth
in the way that we most desire... but maybe he will mold us into something new.
I'm sure that if He does, He will certainly teach us to be the best darn plate
anyone's ever seen! ;)
My prayer
is that God will continue to mold Jed and I together, keep us strong
and bonded together, keep us pliable enough to accept his shaping and
ultimately be strong enough to be used in whatever way He most desires.
Uncertainty
is everywhere and it can be difficult to remain faithful but perhaps this
mucky muddle we're in is really just the start of something beyond our
understanding. Maybe it's something beautiful that's just taking shape. I'm going to choose to believe that it is.
