Little Notes for Little Eli -Part 5

5/13
Baby Boy,

We are getting the best, cutest, most fantastic stuff!  
You now have a sweet little bed courtesy of all your wonderful grandparents (Mama, Papa, Granny, Grandaddy and Nana!)... a happy little elephant friend (thanks Mama), cute clothes from your Aunts and other "Aunts".  You are one loved little dude!

You are going to be well-rested AND super stylish ;)

Love you,
Mom

------
5/14
Wild-Child,

Daddy felt you moving around last night! You have been quite busy rolling around and stretching I'm guessing because I'll feel you on one side and another at the same time.  It's really quite funny. The sensation is pretty awesome -although I do feel a little like I belong in a sci-fi movie some days. ;)
It's extra cool though to feel you on the outside.  For a few days I would think I could feel you on the outside of my belly but just wasn't sure if it was just my mind playing tricks on me, since I could feel you inside too.  But alas, I told your dad to just rest his hand for a minute and sure enough you were busy enough to punch him a few times.

Loving the constant reminder that you are with me,
Mom

------
5/16
Little Mister,

We didn't have to go to work today!  We really love having a day off, with no commitments sometimes!

The sweetest thing happened this morning. Every morning before your daddy leaves for work, he wakes me up with kisses and we share a quick- "I love you... Have a good day" and he's off to work. This morning, he kissed me, and he kissed you and told you that he loves you too. You rolled around twice and then back to sleep you went.
I just can't wait to see you in his new daddy arms, Eli.  He has already fallen head over heels for you, little guy. I can only imagine how great you both will be together once you are here! <3
So looking forward to September!

<3 Mommy

------
5/19
Precious Resident,

I hope you are enjoying your spacious living quarters for now. Your neighbors have been concerned about your constant late night activities, however. Could try and keep the stomach punching to a minimum between the hours of 10 pm and 7 am?  I know you enjoy practicing your martial arts, but momma's left side is beginning to feel bruised from all the action.

 <3 Your Loving Landlord

------
5/20

------
5/25
Little man,
What a weekend we had!

Your Aunt Sarah headed up hosting and planning a special shower to celebrate you this Saturday. It was beautiful, and sweet, and oh-so-classy.  There were adorable decorations, a photo wall with fun props, tables with lovely centerpieces, clever games, a mashed potato bar, tasty snacks and an amazing strawberry shortcake flavored elephant cake. Deeeeelicious! 

Our family and friends (Nana, Aunt Mariah, Grandma, Granny, Grandaddy, Grammy, Aunt Emily and Aunt Kristen and Uncle Jason) drove from out of state to visit with us, battling Memorial day traffic and eager ticket-giving police officers along the way.  ;)

So many of our wonderful friends and family decorated and crafted, spent time celebrating with smiles and good food, game-played and gift-gave, sent cards and packages and made our weekend super special!  We got some of the cutest and best gifts imaginable too! I just can't wait to wrap you in soft blankets, dress you up in cute outfits, diaper you, feed you, give you baths, read books, take you on car rides and walks, and watch you play.

We are very loved, Eli. Can you feel it?
You are going to love our Avalon family and your out-of-town family too!

<3
Mommy
 
------
5/26
Sweet Boy,

We spent a bit of time in the hospital early in this morning. Momma wasn't feeling so fantastic all evening, with some pretty solid back pain and cramps, so I finally gave in and called the doctor. She told me to come right in to be checked out at labor and delivery. Thankfully you seem to be quite okay and bumping around like crazy in there. Despite some steady contractions (maybe caused by dehydration and a "super-sensitive uterus" -according to the Doctor) nothing progressed past discomfort and you seem to be safe and sound for now. Thank the Lord!

--You need to bake quite a bit longer, so Daddy and I were quite relieved to hear that you weren't on your way yet!  We love you lots and are excited to meet you... but don't want you to make an appearance for quite a while, okay?

Love Always,
Mom and Dad

------
5/27
Just you, me, and Maestro.

------
6/1
Little Lounger,
 
Firstly, we did it!  We passed our RAM exam!  What a relief. Great job, Baby.  Thanks for not making Momma's brain go too fuzzy during classes.

Also, we have been spending a lot of time in bed over the last few days. We go to work, come home, lay down (or make a nest on the couch), try to eat something, drink masses of water, and just hang out.

We've watched a lot of movies, and gotten our fill of the Big Bang theory and Law and Order and all sorts of other ridiculous TV shows.  We have also been crafting up a storm! We have this system worked out.  I pick something up, ask you a question like, "Eli, should we use this scrapbook paper or try another one? -- Kick once for yes and twice for no." You tend to be pretty decisive but sometimes our system gets a bit messed up when you are busy practicing Karate ...or maybe you are just tired of all the questions?

Thanks for relaxing with me,
Mom

------
6/3
Eli,

We had an important appointment today. We needed to make sure that my recent discomforts were not hurting you or causing you to come too early. God certainly answered our prayers.  We had a very kind and understanding doctor that helped put our mind at ease. She explained a lot of things, took the time to listen to our concerns, and even explained some of her own experiences with pregnancy which, in a lot of ways, mirrored my own.

We still have to be very, very, careful... drink water like a fish and rest all the time to keep things at bay ...but I have faith that we will make it, kid! You are totally worth it.

^^I feel like we grew a lot this past week!^^

Love you,
Mom and Dad

------
6/11
My Little Man,

We just finished putting stamps on our Thank You notes! We are still collecting a few addresses but... it feels good to get some important things accomplished and show our lovely friends and family our gratitude!

Mama and Papa helped us put up a shelf in your nursery area tonight! And Mama helped me finally get some pictures and mirrors up on the wall in the cottage.  It feel much cozier and homier now.  I've been desperately wanting to 'nest' and organize and beautify everything, so its incredibly nice to finally have some things set up and ready!

Also we are so very excited for your cousin Joci's arrival sometime in the next few weeks! We are praying for a very healthy girl and a healthy Aunt Sarah and a nice, smooth, delivery!  You are just going to love your big-boy cousin Micah too.  I'm sure he will teach you lots of cool things!

Love you bunches and bunches,
<3 Mommy

A Sore Reminder

It's hard to see adorable pregnancy pictures, baby announcements, family photos, and gushing parent/grandparent stories of cuteness and sweetness and pride.

But It's harder to hear stories about girls having kids in high school, parents that abuse or neglect the kids that they never wanted to begin with, the system scammers that purposefully get pregnant as a means of maintaining government assistance or 'keeping up' with other family members. It's hard to hear about 'accidents' and babies born to single parents who wished things would have turned out differently.

It hurts because... while it obviously doesn't matter to some, it matters to me. 

---
It's hard to be in pain. Physical pain is like a magnifying glass for all (regularly bearable) emotional triggers.

It's that time of month... The physically exhausting and painful phase when bending, bumping, laughing, hugging, sneezing, sitting, laying, twisting... breathing... seems to hurt.  When normal activities, like reaching to get a glass from the top shelf of the cupboard or putting on pajama pants, make you hold your breath and close your eyes.  When no pose or posture takes away the ache.

Thank God these "phases" come with a break in between. I can't tell you how grateful I am that the pain usually doesn't last for days on end --like some of my friends who deal with excruciating pain and treatments on a daily basis.  At least in my case, the few days of 'ouch,' usually come and go pretty quickly.

By God's grace I managed to make it past moving month and past my 1st month at work before any significant hurt set in. God got me through the majority of my work day today without any unmanageable (or visible) signs or pain and I'm scheduled to have the day off tomorrow.  Thank you, God!

But I'm having a hard time today -- tonight -- this week.

First came "the fever".
My familiar friend.  Hoping, wishing and trying to wait patiently for my turn/our turn. Oogling over little ones, sweet families, adorable outfits. Making light of family hopes and "when we-s".

Then comes the pain.
The sore reminder of a vacant oven and (potentially) broken one. Always unexpected and never to be counted on. Always depressing. Always.

Today, instead of trying to cover a baby bump like so many of my friends, I try to stay comfortable and cover a swollen mid-section. I continue on with work, and chores, and social obligations, while so deeply wishing that God hadn't said no.  ...wishing that plans wouldn't change and efforts would count for something.

So today, I'm simply grateful that...

Even at my worst, in my hurt... God is still good, and I am still human. ...And He still loves His girl. 

..And that reminds me, once again, of how desperate I am for the kind of comfort only He can give. 

What Heaven Looks Like

I have a slight "obsession" (lets say) with sunshine through the clouds. One of my most favorite things about creation is how absolutely breathtaking the sunshine can be when peeking through the clouds.  --  I think to myself, every single time, “I bet this is what heaven looks like.”

Last night while walking with my husband, after eating an oreo mcflurry of deliciousness, Jed drew my attention to the gorgeousness behind us as we were walking down the beach towards our house.  

We stopped on a dune to try and capture the loveliness in pictures and enjoy it before the sun became faint.  I remember briefly thinking, "Wow, I never notice how wonderful the sunshine is until it's beaming through dark clouds."  

--and it hit me --  isn't that so true? 

I felt so content in that moment, so joyful and so grateful for this "little" gift. God knows how much I adore sunrise and sunset.  

That little 'glimpse of heaven' makes my heart feel light and hopeful, even when my emotions are running wild – even through tough times and disappointments. When I see something like this, I want to praise God for how incredible He is.  How could that kind of beauty be an accident? 

And it reminds me, every time, how much I am loved, how beautiful our God is and how excited I am to, one day, be in the most breath-taking place with my Savior. 

--If that moment had a soundtrack, this song would be playing.  

How Great is Our God -Chris Tomlin

Seeing the Shore

I came across this today while looking for some music to lift my spirits. (It's worth watching)  :)



My heart has been so heavy (over the past several weeks) for some of my closest friends. It's been difficult  to watch people I love so deeply struggle so much.

I know that I haven't been the best encourager as I've recently felt it difficult to hold my own head above water.

My encouragement attemps usually consist of hugging, listening, nodding and  attempting to interject something of value.  Something like, " just keep swimming"... "I know this is not easy and honestly, it may not get much easier... but it's going to be worth it."

I often feel like a broken record when attempting to communicate something meaningful- since most of my days are spent trying to convince myself of the same 'meaningful' thing.

When bad things happen, when I'm anxious, and tired, and want to knock someone's block off...
When things are unclear and I can't see past the thick fog... I just keep telling myself:

Pray, Pray, Pray.
-Ask for anxieties to be calmed.
-Ask the Lord for wisdom and for encouragment.
-Ask for joy.
-Ask for protection and provision.
-Ask for peace that passes my own understanding.
-Ask for grace.
-Ask for clarity.
-Ask for a thankful heart.

Knock on doors.
Wait to see if they will open and see what happens next.
-That's really all we can do, right?

Rest.
Regroup.
Refill.
Take some time to be quiet, spend time with God and spend time relaxing or having fun with 'comfortable' people who uplift and encourage.

Oh, and...
Sing a peppy song.
They always help to make this heavy heart feel a bit lighter.



It's so incredibly difficult in times of high anxiety and uncertainty to find a true sense of peace and joy.
...and I think that this phase of life in particular tends to make everything a bit "foggy".

It's hard to see the shore. It's hard to trust in the end result.  It's hard to keep going despite feeling so far from home, so far from certainty and comfort, and so exhausted from pressing forward.
But we do.

And God is pleased.

That is success.  Simply making it to the shore.   -Whether swimming, floating, boating or nearly drowing on the way.

We pray through it, work through it and we do our very best.

Well Done- Moriah Peters

Letting Go and Letting God

Lord, I Need You

Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the one that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus You're my hope and stay

--An excellent and powerful reminder for days when you feel like praising
... and for days when your heart feels like a concrete in your chest.

All you can do is release control, aknowledge God's goodness, grace, power, and protection
...pray for peace and wisdom, and consistently remind your mind to have Faith in the Lord's promises.

I often need a daily reminder to release control.
Songs of praise and surrender have this incredible way of calming my anxiety and chipping away at the heavy heart within me.

I hope this song can be the song of your heart today (and everyday) too.
<3

Hope

Tomorrow marks 1 year since Baby's heavenly birthday.

and I just can't stop myself from thinking...

what if  things were different.

what if this extra room held a crib and a dresser filled with baby things  -little onesies, tiny socks, baby shoes, blankets, books, and sweaters with ears

what if the nursery could be filled with sweet little things picked especially for our little one

what if I knew I had a handsome boy or beautiful girl

what if they had a meaningful name that we both loved so much

what if my days were filled with diaper changes, feedings and coos

what if things weren't so quiet here

what if I could read a book and sing a soft lullaby before bed

what if, when I couldn't sleep, I could sneak into the nursery and just watch my little love sleep.

...

Those are just some of the things I miss and I miss them all the time.

I know I can't permanently live in the "what ifs" of life...
but just for today, I'm going to admit how often that little phrase crosses my mind and how often that Baby crosses my mind.

It may not seem like much... but for a little while last year, despite fear and disbelief, I knew that my dream of being a mom would soon come true, and that little Hope rooted quickly in my heart.

So today I think about Hope ...and Thank God for that brief joy of motherhood and the promise of life beyond this earth.

Feeling Blessed

I haven't had a lot to say recently or lots of exciting pictures to post but (as I'm sure, you've experienced or already know about me) when I'm overwhelmed I tend to be quiet  ...or a raging ball of angst. This week, I choose quiet.

I could write about all the ways that this move has been an adjustment... and all the difficulties surrounding change... but this time, I just want to say how grateful I am about how things have fallen into place for us.  Many a prayer has gone up regarding our future, our family, our jobs, and ministry, and finances... and God has been good to answer prayers quite steadily!

I've been impressed with the ease of making it into our new place. Moving a 400 something sq. ft apartment wasn't as taxing as I had made it out to be in my mind.  ;)  We had wonderful help and a gracious landlord that let us move in early so we could go out of town for a week.

Jed and I were able to go on vacation and spend a little time with Dave and Teresa out of our normal environment, which was super fun!  I met some more of Jed's family! They are just so lovely... and fun too! We hung out in the magical world of Disney for a few days... which  made me feel like a toddler again.  And we came back, safe and sound, ready to tackle the next chapter.

I started my new job training a day later and, despite normal 'complications' with any new training situation and new housing, I feel as though I'm gaining a pretty good grasp on what needs to be accomplished and why. The 'why' part tends to be super important to my learning process, so that's especially great. I'm pretty confident that this job is right for me, which is a much needed feeling, given the substantial changes we've made to make this arrangement work.

Jed is doing well and his job is seemingly solid despite recent Regent position cuts. So that alone is a huge blessing. And where pay seems to be falling a bit short nowadays, God has been providing some great little opportunities for a little extra income.  What an amazing blessing that has been!  ...and hopefully will continue to be!

All that being said...

I'm not going to pretend that this month has been an easy one, though. Jed and I have both been sick from raging allergies, making morning quite an event and evenings a bit tense from exhaustion. My "high strung" emotional status hasn't been super pleasant either, I'm sure.

But still,  despite  fluctuating emotions and tiring days, we are feeling so incredibly blessed and hopeful!

I'm excited about the possibilites that await us, with my new job and new (2 bedroom) home ;)  and I'm desperately praying that God will mold me and shape me however He sees fit so I can learn to truly enjoy what he's put in front of me... right now... in this moment.

And also learn to look forward to the future with great expectations regarding God's provisions and promises!

<3 Thanks for checking in.

Love,
Lauren

Give Me a Sign

Shine-David Crowder
LISTEN

The story of the faithful Christian that called out to God for help during a flood has come to mind a lot in recent weeks.

Though the waters were rising, he didn’t get in the car with his neighbors when they evacuated. He didn’t leave in the canoe. He didn’t get in the police boat. He didn’t climb the latter into the helicopter or grab the hand of the rescuer who climbed down to save him. Instead he consistently said, “No thank you, God will save me.” After a while the man was swept away with the rushing waters and stood before God in Heaven. When in Heaven, the man asked, “I put all of my faith in You. Why didn’t You come and save me?”  And God said, “Son, I sent you a warning. I sent you a car. I sent you a canoe. I sent you a motorboat. I sent you a helicopter. What more were you looking for?”

There comes a point when we can't just wait for what we expect divine intervention to look like.  We have to see the signs right in front of our faces.  Whether these signs come from a pro's and con's list, a perfectly timed (and poignant) conversation, wise counsel, or unexpected (yet extraordinary) events, we have to be able to recognize them when they appear.  

But how can we possibly know (for certain) unless God gives us a verbal confirmation or a flashing billboard? 

We pray.  We pray a lot.  We ask God for guidance every step of the way. 

We apply biblical principles. Is it honest, is is good, pure, loving? Is it wise?

We seek advice from wise counsel. Those who have been there before, those who love God first and foremost and those who have out best interest in mind.

We rely on logic.  God gave us logic and thought for a reason. We crunch numbers, work out possible plans and knock on doors. The rest is up to God.  

We obey. When God closes a door, we don't tantrum outside, we wait and then knock on another.  ...and when we feel as though God is leading us in a particular direction, we step on to the stones He's provided.   

Sometimes things just fall into place and we have this amazing 'gut' feeling that things are as they should be.  We've also probably experienced that feeling of utter anxiousness at one time or another.  ...You know, the kind that leaves a knot in your stomach or keeps you up thinking at night.  
Our decision-making, at that point, often comes down to intuition (or conscience and conviction).  We weight our feelings against logic, our short-term goals against long-term goals, and we ask ourselves if the risk is really worth it? Shall we take the path of least resistance, the narrow road, or just stand still for a while longer? 

And sometimes, we simply have to learn that...

If God hasn't opened doors in a certain direction or seemed to slam a previously open door, perhaps it's because He's about to clear another path.

Remember

This little keepsake means the world to me.  

It's just so nice to have something to remember our little one by. We truly don't have anything else that's tangible.

I wore it to bed last night because I just didn't want to take it off. 

It's so beautiful, Thank You.

Feeling and Dealing

I know that I haven't had many encouraging words to say recently or interesting blog posts...

I just want to say that it isn't because I'm not happy. It's not because I'm horribly disinterested in maintaining 'normal' life like I've done for the past year, nearly.  I'm still living with great hope regarding the future.  But it feels as though a piece is missing, even though I never "knew the difference".  It feels like a little hope was stolen. It hurts to have to live "normally" when I know that this year would have been so different and it hurts to think that God would introduce something so special just to take it away. That's what I've been struggling with most. 

I've been actively trying to 'feel and deal' instead of pushing everything down or becoming numb like I did before. 

I've wanted to write something lovely and heartfelt and meaningful for weeks now... 

but nothing comes out right when it comes to this.  

There are so many thoughts and feelings in my head regarding the past year.  Those feelings piled on top of past hurts, plans, and current worries make it really difficult to differentiate things.  ...And since I can't seem to explain how I'm feeling and I typically end up talking in circles, I thought I'd share some excerpts from articles and stories from blogs I've been reading.  

I might seem ridiculous reading this from the perspective of someone else or from some random 'how-to' type article, but I think these excerpts sum up many of the emotions I've had over the last several months.  Amy went through a similar situation... and I think her thoughts and explanation closely resembles mine. 

Miscarriage is different than losing any other person in my life.  As soon as I see those "two lines," I am imagining this new child: will it be a boy or girl?  Will they have my dark hair and eyes or my husband's light hair and eyes?  What will they like to do?  Sports, music, writing, math?  Will they like to snuggle or will they prefer to roughhouse and play around? 

When I see those "two lines," I am automatically thinking nine months ahead and preparing my mind to add this child to our family. I am thinking of getting the carseat ready, the crib ready, the clothes ready…  So many thoughts and hopes and questions and plans. Despite not being prepared timing wise, I was so excited to learn more about this little one we made. 

When the miscarriage happens, I do not have a child to hold and say goodbye to, I do not have a funeral I can sense some closure from, and I don't have all the support from everyone around me to get me through the difficult time.

I recently talked with another friend about this experience, and we talked about how we have this cultural thing where we don't tell anyone we're pregnant (except very close family and friends) until we're 12 weeks along when the "risk" is gone. . .I wonder why we do that?  If a miscarriage happens, don't we want the support?  Isn't that the time when we go through such awful morning sickness and worry that we would appreciate the help?  These really are just musings because I was the same way. . .don't tell anyone that isn't super close until 12 weeks; looking back, maybe if I had done things differently, it would have been easier.  

Those who have been through this particular trial were those I was so grateful to have around me.  After my first miscarriage, I had a friend (who had been through a miscarriage herself not long before) bring me flowers and dinner when she found out.  It was so nice to feel someone knew what an empty space we felt and that flowers really were appropriate--you send flowers to a funeral, don't you?  I feel a miscarriage is the same thing: even if we never met the person, we grieve for them and feel a great sense of loss.

Someone brought me flowers when they found out, which I thought was so incredibly sweet and really thoughtful. It meant a lot.  It might sound odd, but I do think that it was good and necessary for me to have this finally feel like a loss, like a death that was 'worthy' of support  ...not just a bad dream or bad day to just 'get over'.   For so long I convinced myself that it was silly, in hopes of protecting my heart.

I really needed for this hurt to be validated, and still do. After all, I value life from conception, why wouldn't this be considered a loss?  I never want to feel like the loss of a baby (no matter how small) is silly or not worth being sad or disappointed about. 

Anyway, I found this article about unplanned pregnancy and miscarriage also...  It echoes some of the feelings I have had as well.  (Despite being unplanned, I did want this baby ...just didn't know what to do with the timing and finances)

"Many women bond with their baby early on in the pregnancy, and will feel incredibly sad that they will never know this child. 

She may feel the miscarriage is somehow her "fault" because the pregnancy was unplanned or unwanted. 

Women who were not planning a pregnancy may wonder how and why they became pregnant in the first place. 

Women who were not anticipating having a baby at this time in their life may simply feel guilty...  as though somehow everyone knows that they lost a baby they never wanted in the first place (this was one of the main reasons I didn't tell for so long) and that all other mothers or women who want to be mothers are censuring them... " 


These excerpts were from an article regarding both "unplanned" and "unwanted" pregnancies... which, despite being unplanned (in our case),  I still wanted very much. 

It's amazing how much love you can feel when that test says positive, even when it's a surprise.  It's incredible how many plans and hopes and wishes you have for someone you've never even met. It's been specifically difficult to be without any tangible reminders, keepsakes or photos.  

...until now, which leads me to my next post. 

Still

The Still After the Storm

When things have settled down dramatically...
but your heart is still hurting...

and you feel:
fragile
lonely
empty
and
exhausted

Be Still.  

be weak. be silent. be alone.

relax
rest
be calm
...just float.

Rest in theOne who will always be.

Just listen.

Be Still- The Fray

Decembers Prayers

I truly don't have the words to explain all the things my mind has been mulling over in recent weeks. Everything from death, to life, to mother-daughter relationships, sibling relationships, past, present, family plans, finances, friends, ministry, health, work...   So much has happened.  What a blessing-filled month. What a chaotic and heart-breaking time too.

I'm so blessed. So blessed with wonderful, wonderful friends and family.

If you think of it, though...   I would really appreciate prayer.

When my family and friends feel 'whole' and purposeful and joyful, I feel joyful.  And many of my closest friends have been really struggling lately and others are entering very hard times of adjustment.

I just wanted to request that you pray with me for a couple of people who keep coming to my mind ...and that you'd also pray for my heart to be strong and my mouth and actions, encouraging to others.

***
Jed. For his relationship with God through uncertain times with conflicting priorities.  That God will direct his path and give him clarity of mind in decision making, goal setting and planning. That he will have a good male influence that has been in a situation (in some way) similar to ours (financially) so he can gain perspective from someone other than family and his wife. For job security and hopefully a chance for pay increase (at some point) so we can plan for family.  For schooling opportunities, studying, testing, time management.  For our relationship.    ...waiting for updates ;)

Emily.  That God will orchestrate a job opportunity, housing etc... at the right time, at the right place and with the people that her heart needs. That God will give her clarity and give her the desires of her heart. 

Gila.  That God will allow her move to Nebraska to be as 'smooth' as possible.  For courage, boundaries, lots of patience and compassion when learning life in a new place with new (and very close) family.  For a new job that she enjoys. For her marriage and everything that comes with adjustment.

April.  For encouragement during very difficult, physically painful times. That God will provide outlets for her and opportunities to connect with others. That God will heal her of her pains and give the doctors wisdom and clear direction in making her well.  

Sarah. For continued peace. For strength to face the challenges to come and for lots of patience and energy to soak in time with family before change occurs.  For continued influence on the hearts of the children she teaches. They love her so much. 

Mariah.  For acceptance, love and quality time with people who encourage her.  For patience and joy through always challenging teen years.  That she seeks God and is obedient despite feelings. For the ability to be respectful, tactful and loving to those around her.  To be a good influence on her friends and be surrounded by good influences.

Sarah.  That she can keep putting one foot in front of the other as she mourns her loss. That she will continue clinging to God's promises.  And that she will have the clarity of thought and mind so that she can keep up with day to day things and continue to love on others. 

Whitney. That God gives her strength and energy to tend to her active family while her other half is away. And that she will feel loved and not lonely while her husband is away. 

LaVon. For peace and clarity and for her to make wise choices that impact her financial, relational, spiritual, emotional, mental well-being. For energy and for patience when parenting a teenager. For emotional comfort.

Elaine. For a smooth transition into a new living envoronment. That she will find emotional stability and feel secure, safe and happy in her new home. That she will still be able to enjoy 'childhood' and also adjust to the responsibilities and decisions that come with adulthood. For wisdom, peace and courage as she faces difficult people and mixed emotions.

Teresa.  For health and well-being physically as she tends to those who are sick and hurting around her.  For energy and patience as she helps with church and mothers her kids. For comfort through loss.  

Lauren.  For new babies and toddlers and the joys and challenges they bring.  For energy and understanding and peace during transitions and learning. 

Jerika.  For her pregnancy, job, finances, health and will-power in making wise choices. I'm so proud of the choices she's been making... and I pray that others will see what I do. 

Mary. That she will continue to seek God in everything she does, including friendships and relationships.  For growing pains that come with adjusting to adulthood.  For clarity of mind when making choices and planning for the future.  

For friends who have recently lost loved ones, who are in school, who are healing from emotional wounds. For daily life after tragedy. For friends who are looking for employment, who are far away from home, who are missing their loved ones and keeping things a float. For friends who selflessly serve and love others even when the feel as though they have nothing left to give. For those who are making choices regarding their futures and the lives of their little ones. For those experienceing financial troubles and job difficulties. For those who influence others on a daily basis, that they would maintain a 'right' attitude and firm standards along with compassion.  For good health and answers to ongoing medical issues. For travel and safety. For encouragement and purpose during times when nothing seems to be in focus and nothing seems to work out as planned.  For hope in times when planning can't be done.  

...There are so may blogs I'd like to post ...but these are just a few that I try to keep up with and/or people I try to keep up with regularly.

Thank you, friends.

My heart hurts for those I love ...and certainly I'm not strong enough, powerful enough or energized enough to fix the issues at hand. So instead, I simply surrender.  It's a moment by moment thought process.  Worry, fear, uncertainty, growing pains, loss, love, sickness, exhaustion, loneliness ...give it to God.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, if you are worried or heartbroken or exhausted.  You are being faithful when you  surrender it all to God.  He's got you. You may not see it yet and you probably don't 'feel' it yet.... but he's shaping your for something. He's making something lovely. So hang in there.  You are going to make it through.

I will leave you with a song that's been on my heart...
Surrender- Vineyard


-Lauren

Never Far

What Love Really Means -JJ Heller

Click to Listen

...
Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said, 

"I know you've murdered 
and I know you've lied
and I've watched you suffer all of your life
and now that you'll listen 
I'll, I'll tell you that I..."

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew

This song gets me every time I hear it.  It doesn't matter how dysfunctional, corrupt or desperate we are, God still loves us.  Period. We can always find comfort in knowing we are never far from Him and that in our darkest time, despite our mistakes, our choices and our past, when we turn to Him, He won't turn away.

 <3 I'm so grateful for such a loving Father.

Uncertainty

Uncertainty.  We’ve all dealt with it at one time or another.  Most of us are probably dealing with it right now.  Maybe we are uncertain about our future, our family, our finances. Uncertainty is one of those things in life that we generally expect but rarely know how to handle when it’s knocking at the door. Uncertainty can come in the form debt, a lost job or lessening work load, a new family addition, a strained relationship, the loss of a loved one, a new home, a changed plan, a new career, a sickness, weakness or a worsening economy.

Jed and I definitely know what it’s like to feel uncertain about our future. Every time something changes or we stay ‘stuck’, it feels as though a little bit of hope is ripped away.  We try to persevere despite being discouraged and we look for opportunities to aid us in our future. But I have to say that when one of our "open door" opportunities is slammed in our face, it hurts.  In fact, I think I'd rather have my fingers slammed inside of a doorframe than have that spark of hope distinguished. 

Last night, after finding out that our most recent hope of getting our loan payments reduced to a manageable amount (that would potentially provide us the ability to have a rent or mortgage payment, save for a down payment and hopefully eventually plan for a family) was no longer an option...  I had a brief mental meltdown.  I checked and rechecked, hoping I'd find something different. I dervished around the house for a few minutes and then, as soon as Jed hugged me (hugs are my kryptonite), I wept like a baby.  

Our conversation went something like this:

Lauren- *sobbing*

Jed- I know, babe.

Lauren- I'm just so *insert gasp for air* ...disappointed.

Jed- I know.  We just have to wait longer.  We just have to keep doing what we're doing.

Lauren- *tears*

Jed- Maybe God wants us to be a plate. 

Lauren-*insert wail to wake the neighbors*  ...but… I don't want to be a plate. *gasp* I'm in a china cabinet full of bowls.  I want to be a bowl too.

Jed- I know babe, I know. 

**This conversation may not make much sense to you but it was based on our, almost irritatingly applicable, sunday school message from that morning.  The topic was about the Potter and His clay. 

Being moldable isn't easy. 

Giving up the hope of being a bowl (if God wants you to be a plate) is almost unbearable at times. But I can honestly say that I believe that God is more than capable. He is good, giving, gracious, powerful, merciful, wonderful and loving. I also know that God is capable of working things out in ways we never could have imagined.  I’ve seen God's provision. I've heard of overwhelming peace and comfort during the hardest times and I’ve witnessed the power of prayer. I trust that he not only has the power to change our circumstances but he also has the power to change our hearts (if we let him).  I'm trusting that he can help me feel peaceful, content, hopeful, confident and loved.

In those moments when that last spark of hope seems to be distinguished, I have to realize that even if everything else goes awry, even if my life (as I know it - on earth) completely falls apart, even if my finances fail or my family is taken away, I have something wonderful to look forward to. There is something even more wonderful than the desires that I have for my future.  I have something even more worthwhile than family and friends, careers and money, church activities and service. 

I have hope in eternity. I hold tight to the promise that by being faithful on earth, I am storing up treasures in heaven. And though sometimes our hearts can’t fully comprehend the suffering, disappointment and uncertainties of life, it is comforting to know that our hearts can’t fully comprehend God's eternal goodness either.

Maybe with continued patience and perseverance, God will choose to bless us on earth in the way that we most desire... but maybe he will mold us into something new. I'm sure that if He does, He will certainly teach us to be the best darn plate anyone's ever seen! ;)   

My prayer is that God will continue to mold Jed and I together, keep us strong and bonded together, keep us pliable enough to accept his shaping and ultimately be strong enough to be used in whatever way He most desires.

Uncertainty is everywhere and it can be difficult to remain faithful but perhaps this mucky muddle we're in is really just the start of something beyond our understanding. Maybe it's something beautiful that's just taking shape. I'm going to choose to believe that it is.