A Sore Reminder

It's hard to see adorable pregnancy pictures, baby announcements, family photos, and gushing parent/grandparent stories of cuteness and sweetness and pride.

But It's harder to hear stories about girls having kids in high school, parents that abuse or neglect the kids that they never wanted to begin with, the system scammers that purposefully get pregnant as a means of maintaining government assistance or 'keeping up' with other family members. It's hard to hear about 'accidents' and babies born to single parents who wished things would have turned out differently.

It hurts because... while it obviously doesn't matter to some, it matters to me. 

---
It's hard to be in pain. Physical pain is like a magnifying glass for all (regularly bearable) emotional triggers.

It's that time of month... The physically exhausting and painful phase when bending, bumping, laughing, hugging, sneezing, sitting, laying, twisting... breathing... seems to hurt.  When normal activities, like reaching to get a glass from the top shelf of the cupboard or putting on pajama pants, make you hold your breath and close your eyes.  When no pose or posture takes away the ache.

Thank God these "phases" come with a break in between. I can't tell you how grateful I am that the pain usually doesn't last for days on end --like some of my friends who deal with excruciating pain and treatments on a daily basis.  At least in my case, the few days of 'ouch,' usually come and go pretty quickly.

By God's grace I managed to make it past moving month and past my 1st month at work before any significant hurt set in. God got me through the majority of my work day today without any unmanageable (or visible) signs or pain and I'm scheduled to have the day off tomorrow.  Thank you, God!

But I'm having a hard time today -- tonight -- this week.

First came "the fever".
My familiar friend.  Hoping, wishing and trying to wait patiently for my turn/our turn. Oogling over little ones, sweet families, adorable outfits. Making light of family hopes and "when we-s".

Then comes the pain.
The sore reminder of a vacant oven and (potentially) broken one. Always unexpected and never to be counted on. Always depressing. Always.

Today, instead of trying to cover a baby bump like so many of my friends, I try to stay comfortable and cover a swollen mid-section. I continue on with work, and chores, and social obligations, while so deeply wishing that God hadn't said no.  ...wishing that plans wouldn't change and efforts would count for something.

So today, I'm simply grateful that...

Even at my worst, in my hurt... God is still good, and I am still human. ...And He still loves His girl. 

..And that reminds me, once again, of how desperate I am for the kind of comfort only He can give. 

What Heaven Looks Like

I have a slight "obsession" (lets say) with sunshine through the clouds. One of my most favorite things about creation is how absolutely breathtaking the sunshine can be when peeking through the clouds.  --  I think to myself, every single time, “I bet this is what heaven looks like.”

Last night while walking with my husband, after eating an oreo mcflurry of deliciousness, Jed drew my attention to the gorgeousness behind us as we were walking down the beach towards our house.  

We stopped on a dune to try and capture the loveliness in pictures and enjoy it before the sun became faint.  I remember briefly thinking, "Wow, I never notice how wonderful the sunshine is until it's beaming through dark clouds."  

--and it hit me --  isn't that so true? 

I felt so content in that moment, so joyful and so grateful for this "little" gift. God knows how much I adore sunrise and sunset.  

That little 'glimpse of heaven' makes my heart feel light and hopeful, even when my emotions are running wild – even through tough times and disappointments. When I see something like this, I want to praise God for how incredible He is.  How could that kind of beauty be an accident? 

And it reminds me, every time, how much I am loved, how beautiful our God is and how excited I am to, one day, be in the most breath-taking place with my Savior. 

--If that moment had a soundtrack, this song would be playing.  

How Great is Our God -Chris Tomlin

Hope

Tomorrow marks 1 year since Baby's heavenly birthday.

and I just can't stop myself from thinking...

what if  things were different.

what if this extra room held a crib and a dresser filled with baby things  -little onesies, tiny socks, baby shoes, blankets, books, and sweaters with ears

what if the nursery could be filled with sweet little things picked especially for our little one

what if I knew I had a handsome boy or beautiful girl

what if they had a meaningful name that we both loved so much

what if my days were filled with diaper changes, feedings and coos

what if things weren't so quiet here

what if I could read a book and sing a soft lullaby before bed

what if, when I couldn't sleep, I could sneak into the nursery and just watch my little love sleep.

...

Those are just some of the things I miss and I miss them all the time.

I know I can't permanently live in the "what ifs" of life...
but just for today, I'm going to admit how often that little phrase crosses my mind and how often that Baby crosses my mind.

It may not seem like much... but for a little while last year, despite fear and disbelief, I knew that my dream of being a mom would soon come true, and that little Hope rooted quickly in my heart.

So today I think about Hope ...and Thank God for that brief joy of motherhood and the promise of life beyond this earth.

Feeling Blessed

I haven't had a lot to say recently or lots of exciting pictures to post but (as I'm sure, you've experienced or already know about me) when I'm overwhelmed I tend to be quiet  ...or a raging ball of angst. This week, I choose quiet.

I could write about all the ways that this move has been an adjustment... and all the difficulties surrounding change... but this time, I just want to say how grateful I am about how things have fallen into place for us.  Many a prayer has gone up regarding our future, our family, our jobs, and ministry, and finances... and God has been good to answer prayers quite steadily!

I've been impressed with the ease of making it into our new place. Moving a 400 something sq. ft apartment wasn't as taxing as I had made it out to be in my mind.  ;)  We had wonderful help and a gracious landlord that let us move in early so we could go out of town for a week.

Jed and I were able to go on vacation and spend a little time with Dave and Teresa out of our normal environment, which was super fun!  I met some more of Jed's family! They are just so lovely... and fun too! We hung out in the magical world of Disney for a few days... which  made me feel like a toddler again.  And we came back, safe and sound, ready to tackle the next chapter.

I started my new job training a day later and, despite normal 'complications' with any new training situation and new housing, I feel as though I'm gaining a pretty good grasp on what needs to be accomplished and why. The 'why' part tends to be super important to my learning process, so that's especially great. I'm pretty confident that this job is right for me, which is a much needed feeling, given the substantial changes we've made to make this arrangement work.

Jed is doing well and his job is seemingly solid despite recent Regent position cuts. So that alone is a huge blessing. And where pay seems to be falling a bit short nowadays, God has been providing some great little opportunities for a little extra income.  What an amazing blessing that has been!  ...and hopefully will continue to be!

All that being said...

I'm not going to pretend that this month has been an easy one, though. Jed and I have both been sick from raging allergies, making morning quite an event and evenings a bit tense from exhaustion. My "high strung" emotional status hasn't been super pleasant either, I'm sure.

But still,  despite  fluctuating emotions and tiring days, we are feeling so incredibly blessed and hopeful!

I'm excited about the possibilites that await us, with my new job and new (2 bedroom) home ;)  and I'm desperately praying that God will mold me and shape me however He sees fit so I can learn to truly enjoy what he's put in front of me... right now... in this moment.

And also learn to look forward to the future with great expectations regarding God's provisions and promises!

<3 Thanks for checking in.

Love,
Lauren

Change

Change. 

I honestly don’t know.  

Actually...

No.  I'm not ever ready for change. 

I'm not going to lie.  I'm freaking out inside! 

Am I ready to move on Saturday?! yes and no. I feel tense and my stomach is in knots just thinking of all the possibilities for trouble.  

I feel as though things are a bit awkward at the office right now  (which is understandable when one only has 2 weeks left).  

I’m nervous about leaving my job and becoming "bored" in my new situation.  (Which I know sounds ridiculous- I will still be working... but it's going to look and be so much different and "boredom" is a legitimate fear of mine.)  

I'm also scared of new anything. period. 

I’m worried about finances and frankly (selfishly)- I’m a bit freaked out about potentially not having the funds to escape for date nights or girls nights etc... which I've been able to do in recent months.  It's been such a huge blessing to be able to hang out and have pleasant communications (on a whim) and after spending the majority of my days with potty-mouths and angsty-pants over the phone. 

All that to say... 

I guess I'm about as "ready" as I'll ever be.   My 'gut' says that moving and a job change is best right now. God has lined everything up to work out as smoothly as possible, so I can't, in good conscience, conclude that my anxiousness is anything other than fear. 

...So I've been praying these words over and over today.   

I keep praying (requesting) that God's will be done in everything that we choose right now, that God would calm my nerves, and orchestrate the final pieces of the puzzle that would help this planner feel a bit better about all the new that's about to happen. 

...and I keep thinking of what God would say if He was trying to ease my fears.

I think He would hold the sides of my shoulders firmly (yet gently),  look me straight in the eye and say something like...

...then He would pull me in close and hug me tightly (just like my Dad would).

 He'd hold me for a second, take a deep breath and then crack a silly joke to make me smile...

... and pull me back in for another firm hug.  I'd use the shoulder of his dad-shirt as a tissue and then I'd feel...  better. 

I have faith that God will provide the means necessary to make this work as well as the  strength and discipline to be alright. 

  

My fears don't come from lack of trust in God's abilities but rather a lack of trust in my own.  (Which, I must say, is probably a very good thing.)

*I mean,  If I was left to my own devices, I'd probably be 800 pounds due to sweet-tea and chocolate chip pancake intake. I would have racked up the national debt in new blouses and I would be spending all my 'free' time at Disney World. - I'm just sayin'.  

... So it's probably best that I don't trust my spontaneous wants all the time.  I know that God would not approve of my financially irresponsible, gluttonous and vain habits. 

We've prayed and consulted, crunched numbers and re-evaluated our goals.

But the question remains:

Are we really willing to risk our comfort and our obvious security in order to follow His direction?  Am I really willing?

Sometimes change (as scary and risky as it may be) is a step towards hope... a step in the right direction. 

Faith.  

Sometimes faith means being still and waiting.  Sometimes faith is risk-taking. 

Faith is always trusting in God's provision and plan (whether waiting or doing).  

Even when we fail, there may be consequences... but God is bigger than all the wrong we are capable of.  We aren't beyond redemption. We aren't beyond repair.   I'm not beyond repair.  As long as we seek Him, he promises that he will direct our paths. 

Will it look the way we originally expected? Maybe not. 

Will we still be okay?  Yes.  

Our God is loving and gracious and merciful. 

I'm praying desperately that God is very merciful with me during these times of adjustment.  Because if I know anything about myself,  I know that I have a really hard time with new things.  

So I'm praying now... before the new begins... that He will give me a thankful and joyful heart and a very flexible attitude.  

I know good things are happening and I'm so excited to see what He has in store for us in the coming months!

Give Me a Sign

Shine-David Crowder
LISTEN

The story of the faithful Christian that called out to God for help during a flood has come to mind a lot in recent weeks.

Though the waters were rising, he didn’t get in the car with his neighbors when they evacuated. He didn’t leave in the canoe. He didn’t get in the police boat. He didn’t climb the latter into the helicopter or grab the hand of the rescuer who climbed down to save him. Instead he consistently said, “No thank you, God will save me.” After a while the man was swept away with the rushing waters and stood before God in Heaven. When in Heaven, the man asked, “I put all of my faith in You. Why didn’t You come and save me?”  And God said, “Son, I sent you a warning. I sent you a car. I sent you a canoe. I sent you a motorboat. I sent you a helicopter. What more were you looking for?”

There comes a point when we can't just wait for what we expect divine intervention to look like.  We have to see the signs right in front of our faces.  Whether these signs come from a pro's and con's list, a perfectly timed (and poignant) conversation, wise counsel, or unexpected (yet extraordinary) events, we have to be able to recognize them when they appear.  

But how can we possibly know (for certain) unless God gives us a verbal confirmation or a flashing billboard? 

We pray.  We pray a lot.  We ask God for guidance every step of the way. 

We apply biblical principles. Is it honest, is is good, pure, loving? Is it wise?

We seek advice from wise counsel. Those who have been there before, those who love God first and foremost and those who have out best interest in mind.

We rely on logic.  God gave us logic and thought for a reason. We crunch numbers, work out possible plans and knock on doors. The rest is up to God.  

We obey. When God closes a door, we don't tantrum outside, we wait and then knock on another.  ...and when we feel as though God is leading us in a particular direction, we step on to the stones He's provided.   

Sometimes things just fall into place and we have this amazing 'gut' feeling that things are as they should be.  We've also probably experienced that feeling of utter anxiousness at one time or another.  ...You know, the kind that leaves a knot in your stomach or keeps you up thinking at night.  
Our decision-making, at that point, often comes down to intuition (or conscience and conviction).  We weight our feelings against logic, our short-term goals against long-term goals, and we ask ourselves if the risk is really worth it? Shall we take the path of least resistance, the narrow road, or just stand still for a while longer? 

And sometimes, we simply have to learn that...

If God hasn't opened doors in a certain direction or seemed to slam a previously open door, perhaps it's because He's about to clear another path.

A Wish, a Kiss and a Prayer

Hopes I had and still have for our little one and for our little one(s), hopefully, still to come someday...

I pray that …

 you will always come to me when you are hurting. Even though I won’t be able to take the pain away every time, please let me help comfort you, even if that simply means holding you or telling you how much you are loved.

you will let me share in your happiness and excitement when things are going well.

you will learn to make your own choices and decisions in life.  I want you to be able to weigh consequences and benefits of your decisions and make up your own mind. 

you will consistently ask God for wisdom and understanding … and trust Him when He answers. 

you trust your decision-making ability when you know the truth.

you will be solid in your beliefs but mold-able and tender to those around you. 

God will be the center of your life.  I want His truth to weigh heavily upon your heart, even more than your dad’s and my words.

you will be able to tell me anything and know that I will still love you and always, always, want you. 

your stubbornness (which you clearly get from your father)  ;)  will be used as a motivator to accomplish great things and influence others towards honorable things.

you will put family first, and treat your friends as treasures.

you like being neat and tidy (I can dream, can’t I?)

you get your dad’s smile and that you’ll smile as much as he does.

you will know your God-given value, always.

you will always treat others with respect and courtesy.

you will thoroughly think through your words and actions and tread carefully when others’ hearts are on the line. 

you won’t over think everything. 

you will always know truth. I desperately want you to know the difference between lies and truth …and never let the lies sink into your heart.

you will be an encourager. This world has plenty discouraging things. Everyone needs a little support.

you never give up (especially during the times when you can’t quite see the light at the end of the tunnel) …even when you can’t wrap your mind around everything going on.  I hope you press forward and always look up for guidance.
               
you aren’t afraid to be a little silly.  You don’t always have to be completely serious. Relax, enjoy the small things and have fun growing up.

you will to know who's you are and who God made you to be. I pray that you’ll know your strengths and your weaknesses and use your talents for His glory.

you will learn from your mistakes and be careful and not repeat them.

you know what makes you special and valuable. 

you will know what makes you “normal”, so you can connect with others and better understand their thoughts and feelings.  Understanding is often a key to encouragement.

you will always see the potential in yourself and in others. 

you are honest, trustworthy, and always willing to work for what you want.

you use caution in all things but don’t allow caution to harden your heart or make you fearful.

you find great value in loving others.

you are motivated to influence others positively …whether it’s a few or a few hundred.

you learn to rest and relax.  It’s important to enjoy being still and quiet. 

you will learn balance …in relationships, in service, in working and learning and finances.

you will always love and respect your daddy.

you will love being snuggled and hugged like your momma does.

you won’t allow emotions to rule you but that you will still be able to ‘feel deeply’ for things that break God’s heart.

you will always protect and care for the people you love.

eventually, you will meet someone who challenges you, comforts you, protects your heart, and always leads you back to God when you feel like wandering. 

you will always direct those who are hurting to the One that can fill their needs and mend their hearts.

you truly enjoy music. Selfishly, I hope that you love music, singing, playing…  it would be so wonderful to share music and song with you.

you always keep a sense of wonder and amazement.

you’ll be adventurous and spontaneous and goofy. How else will we have late-night ice cream outings and music-filled mini road trips?

I love you little one... I’m going to love you even when you are grown, and strong, and perfectly independent.  I won’t always have the right words to say, and I’m sure I won’t always do the right things either, but just know that every bit of me loves you, and has, even before I knew we would have you. Every time I dream about the future and our little family, I pray for you and for the person you will become.  ...and mostly ,I pray that God will allow me to have you, and keep you, someday. 

Still

The Still After the Storm

When things have settled down dramatically...
but your heart is still hurting...

and you feel:
fragile
lonely
empty
and
exhausted

Be Still.  

be weak. be silent. be alone.

relax
rest
be calm
...just float.

Rest in theOne who will always be.

Just listen.

Be Still- The Fray

Thankful

100 things I'm Thankful for.... 

(just to name a few...and in no particular order...)

1.     My Jed. He is wonderful and loving, romantic, manly, kind, genuine, playful, hysterical, sweet, tough, honest, gracious, strong, committed, motivated, intelligent… I could go on.
2.     Jed’s health and emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.
3.     The love of our families.
4.     Amazing friends.
5.     The health and well-being of our family and friends (physically, financially, spiritually etc…)
6.     The cottage and financial assistance from the Riekes.
7.     Jed’s job.  (He makes most of the income.  His boss is wonderful and he loves what his organization stands for.)
8.     My job.  (I have great benefits. I’ve had the ability to take time off work… even as a “new” employee… to tend to health and family priorities. I have kind, intelligent, “motherly” managers that have given me the encouragement I desperately needed after my last position.)
9.     Church family.
10. Running water.
11. Hot water for cooking and cleaning.
12. Cleaning products.
13. Air conditioning and heat.
14. Electric.
15. A fridge full of food.
16. The ability to go grocery shopping, pick food, prepare food, keep it preserved and use it later.
17. Restaurants (when we are busy or need a break).
18. A closet full of clothing (nice clothing, at that).
19. Warm coats
20. Scarves
21. Lip balm
22. Make-up in general. (so I can put my…. “best face forward”  ;)--)
23. The ability to walk and see …and take care of myself on a daily basis.
24. Bug spray.
25. Paper towels.
26. Sweet tea!  Hallelujah!
27. A nice open living room and kitchen so we can still ‘entertain’ in our little space.
28. Toothpaste and toothbrushes.
29. Our healthy Yaris. (despite some cleanliness issues ;)  …she’s pretty fabulous.)
30. Our Accord. (He’s good on gas and gets where he needs to go.)
31.  The identity group
32. Our non-concrete kitchen flooring. Praise, God. I doesn’t drive me insane everyday.
33.  A new (ginormous) tv.
34. Soft and snuggly throw blankets.
35. Clothes hangers.  I love non-wrinkled clothing.
36. My hair dryer, straightening iron and curling iron.
37. Bobby-pins and hair ties
38. The ability to look up questions on the internet.
39. Remote controls.
40. Locks on the house and car and office.
41.  Interesting articles (so I can learn).
42. Paychecks. WOOOOO!
43. Health insurance.
44. A good family doctor and a couple of good specialists (Dr. Saadeh in particular) who are willing to listen to me, work with me and save me time off work and money in little ways.
45. Pinterest. (so I can escape from work and emotion and just browse)
46.  All kinds of food. Sprinkle donuts. Burritos. Pizza bites.  Mac and Cheese. Mashed potatoes. Stir-fry veggies. Dark chocolate covered pretzels and cherries. Frosted flakes. Mini-Wheats. Perogies. Homemade stuffing. Apples. Chinese food in general.
47. Chai tea lattes. Caramel Lattes. Tea. Orange Juice. Apple Cider.
48.  Our rice cooker.
49.  The feel of new socks.
50. The soft glow and warm scent of candles.
51. Comfy couches.
52. Medicine to help the body function correctly.
53. Medicine to help take away pain.
54.  Warm showers.
55. Indoor plumbing.
56.  Fuzzy rugs.
57. A stocked food pantry.
58. Glasses to drink from.
59.  Pretty gift-wrapping materials.
60. Christmas ornaments and lights.
61. Our porch swing.
62. The plant on our porch that Teresa takes care of.
63. Visits from Daisy.
64. The lawn that’s taken care of by Dave.
65. Thursday night dinners and chat time.
66. Super fun rain boots.
67. A purse to tote all my stuff around in.
68. A calendar to keep me organized.
69. Nail polish to make me feel… ‘polished’
70. Hard times to keep me grounded and realistic.
71. The ability to understand things and connect with people.
72. Warm slippers.
73. Other medicine flavors other than grape!
74. Yoga pants.
75. Jammies.
76. Non-stick cookware.
77. Fluffy bed comforters.
78.  Cell phone with internet and texting.
79.  MUSIC.
80. The ability to sing.
81.  Fellowship with family, friends and church friends.
82.  Movies and tv shows to ‘escape’ into.
83.  Funny incidents and stories to tell.
84. Inside jokes and ‘mental images’ that always make me snicker.
85. Strong hugs.
86. Soft kisses from my man.
87. Board games and icebreakers.
88.  A grill.
89.  Safety during travel.
90.  Sunshine and cool breezes.
91. Autumn leaves.  That proves there is so much beauty in life and in death.
92. Falling snow.
93. Perfume, cologne, lotion.
94. Soft pillows.
95. Sunglasses.
96. Spontaneous dance parties with best friends.
97. Windy roads (they are so fun to drive on).
98. The ability to smell lovely and delicious things.
99. The ability to make others smile or feel special

100. A God that knows me so well and loves me so much.

Direction

These things consistently keep fluttering around in my brain while laying in bed, when I’m getting ready in the morning, when I drive to work, when I’m cleaning up, when I attend showers and graduations, when I think of applying for jobs or look at our student loan bills…  some of which truly weigh heavily on my heart, a some are just brief moments of question and concern. I try to keep these feelings and thoughts at bay by focusing on God’s truth, His promises, His blessings in my life and my own responsibility for keeping my emotions in check. But this has been my recent journey and conversation with God…

God,

I really feel “misled” sometimes. I say this because it’s the only way I know how to. You obviously know my flaws. You know I'm capable of being stubborn and lazy and mean at times. But you, of all people, also know how much my heart desires you. You know how much I love you and how many times, despite mental/emotional chaos, I’ve still trusted. I have security in knowing you’ll never leave me or forsake me and for that I’m so grateful. You are always ‘there’ for me (here for me) when I need you most. There are definitely days though, when despite searching and seeking and praying, I don’t feel a clear answer from you.

I also wonder why (when you have presented me with a clear answer) you can be so quick to take it away.  It hurts so badly sometimes and it makes me question, not necessarily your goodness, but your direction in my life.  More so than that, it makes me question my ability to interpret your direction. How am I to know if I’m on the right track if it feels as though the leading that I’ve been following has had less than desirable ramifications?

I think (and thought) that I've done almost everything in my power to make wise choices. I seek wise (biblical) counsel, most with differing opinions.  I’ve tried to fill my mind with your truth. I’ve talked to you consistently, gotten involved and made steps toward seemingly open doors. So, what am I missing?

Jed say’s ‘patience’
…I need to learn patience, but I know it’s much deeper than that. I’ve been very patient before. I am capable of waiting and hoping. You saw me do it for years. You know that it’s not the waiting that I’m afraid of, it's waiting that won't lead to clarity.  

I suppose that I'm supposed to stay where I am right now, until you show me otherwise.  But I’m frightened by the idea that when you finally do show me, I will love it... If I'm too comfortable or want it too much, then you’ll take it away...  and my heart will be broken, yet again.  I know it’s a ridiculous fear (so selfish and over the top perhaps) but I end up fighting that feeling all the time.

I also can’t help but feel as though I've gotten reprimanded for following what I truly thought was your direction.  Like... going to college.  A big, no huge, “step if faith” in the financial department has left us in quite a predicament. Like, working really hard and then getting physically sick and tired.  Like... finally getting position within my field and then getting sick again. I could barely focus and my hormones were out of control.  Like... having surprise positive pregnancy test and then… no baby. What does it mean? How am I supposed to feel? What conclusions should I draw?

Were those things wrong?  In those cases, was the hardship a consequence of not following your direction well enough or was it simply a test?  Was it because I wasn't thankful or excited enough?   I really thought you led me in all of those things. I really did do what I thought was best, according to the information I had.

It's hard to see your perfect timing in it all when you seem to specifically allow something, but take it away. (Even if it's just the hope of something). I know it’s not much to pay in light of the incredible blessings you give,  but even the slightest dissolution of these hopes can really begin to break down the spirit.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be ‘sure’ about decisions again, full-knowing that you’ve orchestrated it all. I felt it when meeting and marrying Jed.  I knew, without a doubt, that we were best for each other, best with each other, and that we could serve you well as a team. But God, I’m so desperate for peace now too. I’m desperate to feel hopeful and at ease with choices and/or with standing still, if that’s what you want from me.

I haven’t lost hope though, and fear hasn’t overcome me. But God, I’m having a hard time feeling at peace. I'm so anxious. I know your truth, and I do believe it.  I’ve clung tightly to your truth this long and I’m so grateful that you’ve always brought me back to you when I decided to wander.  You delivered me when things completely crumbled and I’m so grateful for the blessings you’ve given me. These ridiculous girl feelings make it hard to function sometimes though. Mental chaos isn’t very becoming for a lady following after you.  It’s not that you feel distant or uncaring, God, just vague.

Masters degrees, masters degree, new jobs, family planning,  save money, spend money, pay more, enjoy some now or always plan for later?   ...So many questions.

I really need clarity of mind and heart. I know it’s a lot to ask, and it takes a lot of work on my end... but I know you are more than capable.  I’m trusting that your plan is perfect, that you are teaching me, growing me, making me new, and whole, and lovely. I’m trusting that instead of taking a 'step of faith', that my 'lack of stepping' will prove to be most faithful in our situation. 

I think you are telling me to wait. I don't feel peaceful about spending any more money and I don'twant to make the same 'mistakes' as before (regarding loan debt).  I think you are allowing this anxiety within me in order to (subtly or maybe not so subtly) show me your timing.

Please help me know that you are concerned about the seemingly small things in my life. They compile to make quite a mess in my mind.  I know others are dealing with pain and grief and uncertainty and they desperately need you, but I need to know you are small enough to tend to my heart and big enough to tend to those I love too. Help me see the obvious and give me the clarity I'm so desperate for.

Please know that I’m so grateful. I trust you. I love you. And I’m hanging on to your every word.

<3 Me

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in his way; Psalm 37-23
 

And the Spirit of the Lord shall rest upon him, the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord.  Isaiah 11:2

Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O Lord, and whom you teach out of your law, to give him rest from days of trouble, until a pit is dug for the wicked. For the Lord will not forsake his people; he will not abandon his heritage;  Psalm 94:12-14

 The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord. All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs the spirit. Proverbs 16:1-2

She does not ponder the path of life; her ways wander, and she does not know it. Proverbs 5:6

 The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks justice. The law of his God is in his heart; his steps do not slip. Psalm 37:30-31