A Critical Spirit

An encouraging voice or a critical one? That is a question I've been asking myself a lot recently,  regarding the 'voices' I've been  listening to and the voices that escapes my mouth (and fingers as I type).

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We don't typically mean to be critical but our judgment usually shows our heart just the same. Sometimes we tear others down because we feel bad about ourselves. Sometimes we point out flaws because we would rather direct attention away from our own. And sometimes we are just proud. Plain and simple.

I am so guilty of this. I would like to think that much of my sin comes from underlying feelings of unworthiness, and that's probably true to an extent, but I also have to face the facts. Being a follower of Christ requires that I take responsibility for my own temptations and poor judgment. Intention does not neutralize impact. Harshness makes us unattractive, especially to those that do not know Christ.

When my words are harsh and my attitude is demanding, I am thinking of myself as better than others. I am failing to see the person, failing to see potential, and trying to orchestrate change in the wrong way. That's the truth.

We all do it. ... while driving, while working, while sitting in church. We even use social media to to push perspectives and criticism.  Women, I think, are particularly skilled in this area. Most of us are very good at, uh, knowing it all.  I know I am. [insert laugh here].

We have our own ways (we call that independence). We have the wisest words (we call that teaching). We have knowledge and experience to advise (we call that correction and discipline). We gossip about other people, "bless her heart" (we call that conversation). The way we label it sounds pretty good, but our true intentions might label it differently. Might. I only know where my own heart falls short.

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I wanted to share some things that I have been meditating over because I know that I can be ugly sometimes. It's a heart problem. It's a pride problem. -- It's a problem. Let's leave it there. -- And I know that heart change doesn't necessarily require knowledge (of mind) it requires a willingness to grow. It requires teach-ability and it requires a spirit of humility.  Even the most seasoned preachers and most knowledgeable scholars have things to learn. Information can come from all sort of people in all sorts of positions, in all walks of life. Some of the most valuable lessons I've learned are from some of the most broken people.

Perhaps unity as the body of Christ is achieved through listening to one another. There is no place for cruelty in the church. We speak in love and we speak with conviction, but not at the expense of respect. A body can easily be torn apart and broken down by the cancer of criticism.

Knowledge isn't everything. It's attractive, commendable, and necessary ... but knowledge doesn't win the heart, only love and respect can do that.

With respect to my personal life, I like to think of myself as a critical thinker. I have a lot of thoughts and visions and plans and hopes. And I do try very hard to make people see my point because I feel very strongly about the power of grace in ones life (my life). I also like to win.  And I know that at times, I have sacrificed my sweetness.  And for that I am sorry. As it turns out, I'm less of of "critical thinker" and more of a "critical stinker", a lot of the time.

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Here are a couple of differences, that I've been meditating on, between "constructive" criticism (critical thinking) and having a critical spirit:

Critical Thinking sees potential
A Critical Spirit finds fault

Critical Thinking asks questions
A Critical Spirit makes assumptions

Critical Thinking desires understanding
A Critical Spirit wants to be right

Critical Thinking desires growth
A Critical Spirit expects perfection

Critical Thinking appreciates differences
A Critical Spirit devalues other perspectives

Critical Thinking offers grace first
A Critical Spirit offers discipline first

Critical Thinking acts as an advocate
A Critical Spirit acts as [the] judge

Critical Thinking is respectful
A Critical Spirit is arrogant

Critical Thinking is responsive
A Critical Spirit is insensitive

Critical thinking sees the big picture

A Critical Spirit has tunnel-vision

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I want to be better; for my family and for the people I come into contact with. I want to be a light.

It's hard to know how to find balance in concepts that can be so similar.

What do you think?
Do you have a way of "drawing the line"?

Courage is Believing

I want to admit to a struggle that I've been having. I have been combating feelings of selfishness. I have sought wise counsel and tried to approach things in an upright and factual way, as to not cloud my story with exaggerations or other perspectives. As you know, telling a story can leave us quite vulnerable. And stories have more than one character. In telling my story, I have to consistently find a balance between telling my story (not speaking for anyone else) while seeking truth in the most respectful and credible way that I can.

I've been anxious, and weepy, and searching for approval because deep down, I feel as though posting potentially harmful things is selfish, and cruel, and unnecessary. These terms aren't unfamiliar to me. I have had to constantly remind myself that honesty is not wrong. My truth is not malicious. And facts have a great power to heal (everyone involved). Speaking out and giving things fair labels is appropriate. Abuse is abuse. And, if I don't fill in the blanks, other people will, like they always have. Assumptions are powerful.

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Words like, "reconciliation is God's deepest will for families" and "burning bridges is a bad idea" are actually terribly confusing things to hear as a victim. They can knock us back into a place of deep unrest and make us feel falsely guilty for seeking change. While these concepts mostly come from the mouths of wonderfully kind and god-seeking people, it doesn't always make these words ultimate truth or particularly helpful.

The thing about a victims is ... we have probably tried (for years) to make peace in every other way imaginable. We have probably tried tirelessly to fix things, to keep bridges from burning, and to protect the people we love, even when those people unrepentantly hurt us. 

While concepts like reconciliation, honoring covenants (commitments and promises), staying loyal to family, and being respectful to ones parents are completely biblical and completely true, situations and scenarios can also change the way in which we approach these concepts.

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As Christians, our first response in all relationships should be to mend. We desire truth. We seek peace, we seek healing, we forgive, and we pray for those that "persecute us".  We are called to be the stronger, more gracious, more loyal people in our communities. When we are "slapped" [attacked], we offer the other cheek instead of returning the blow. That is what God desires for us and requires from us. That is courage. That is love. That is grace. 

However, sometimes our situations don't fit into a neat little box (often times they don't). And we are left trying to figure out where to draw our lines and create our boundaries for the sake of our own spiritual life and for our own righteousness.  Speaking solely from my perspective and from my experience (not speaking from God's mouth, or as a scholar, or teacher) ... I believe that there is a season for healing (like there are seasons for all other things). I believe that sometimes, the most righteous and loving thing we can do is tell the truth.

Sometimes covering sins (our own and the sins of others) with grace can actually be detrimental to growth. This is true across the board. Abuse happens behind the scenes. Sin hides in darkness. It hides in assumptions. It hides in half-truths. It hides in exaggeration and distortion.  It hides in places where the light is not allowed in. Sin can hide for generations upon generations without ever being brought to light and dealt with appropriately. Typically the (now) abusers were once the abused and their abusers were likely abused a generation before that.

Without truth, without transparency, without righteous anger, self-confrontation, and perhaps even public confrontation, these offenses will remain hidden and continue to poison beneath the facades of "family", "loyalty", "appropriateness", and "good Christian behavior". 

Courage is believing.  Courage is telling the truth. 

Willingness to speak the truth is brave.  Believing that that truth can heal (despite fallout and repercussions) is perhaps the bravest of all. 

Then and Now: Working Through Thought Patterns of Guilt

I feel Guilty. 
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Feeling blamed, useless, not good enough. Feeling as though I should be able to do more, handle more, speak better words, work faster, love better, be "sweeter", be more holy, give more time and energy.
Feeling like I need to fix everything.
Needing to constantly make (and keep) the peace, even when I'm not directly involved.
Feeling as though other people's problems and frustrations are a direct result of something that I did.
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Then:

It's hard to remember instances where I was made to feel guilty or blamed (with specific words) in my earlier childhood years, partially because, children have a natural grace and innocence about them. But somewhere along the line, somewhere in the middle of extremely high expectations and harsh words of criticism, I started feeling the blame. I would cringe if I made a mistake or had any sort of accident (especially if I made a mess). I fully expected to be punished for being irresponsible, selfish, and/or stupid. I thought that when my sister behaved wildly (like children often do) it was a reflection on me. When my mom would cry, or rage, or get sick, it was because I created too much stress for her;  because I wasn't a good enough listener or because I couldn't fix the situation. This mentality definitely came to a head the summer before my 17th birthday, when I was specifically told that I was to blame for my mom's illness and stress and temper and exhaustion. Those words sealed my belief and still have a great impact on my life as an adult.

Now:
Sermons and messages feel like they are built specifically to attack me. I often find myself sitting in church, listening to a sermon about "respecting your parents", "keeping your family whole", "having healthy emotions" or "having a quiet and gentle spirit" and translating the message into something more along the lines of...
"reasons why [Lauren] is a terrible Christian"
"reasons why [Lauren] should never be a leader"
"reasons why [Lauren] will never be as righteous as [so-and-so]"
"reasons why [Lauren] is a terrible wife, and mother, and friend"
"reasons why [Lauren] is never going to be free"

Those thoughts and feelings are a knee-jerk reaction to feeling faulty. When we are told over and over again how bad we are and how inferior we are, we begin to feel utterly defeated. But they. are. lies.

 "I have to tell myself, "Not everything is about you."

Apparently, I say "I'm sorry" for all sorts of things. And I don't even realize that I do it most of the time. It's yet another subconscious (verbal) reaction to feeling like something is my fault, a result of my doing. My father-in-law often comments on my quickness with apologetic words and it always get me thinking.  -- If I'm always sorry for everything, am I ever really sorry for anything real? It's relatively easy to flip from feeling guilty about everything to feeling guilty about nothing. It's important to seek the truth and distinguish between guilt and conviction.

The thing about sermons and advice is, they are meant to instruct. A heart can easily become unteachable because of the protective walls built around it (always trying to maintain any semblance of pride). It's self-preservation. The heart can also easily be crippled and crushed because words feel like knives. They feel personal and cut straight to the core.  And because abuse causes us to generalize negatively about ourselves, we also tend to generalize and draw conclusions that maybe weren't meant for us.

"It's not about you being detestable, [Lauren]."

"It's about you being a human-being in need of direction, and mercy, and grace."

"It's a call and challenge to be better, not an accusation."

I have been trying to label my feelings so that I have a better grasp of how to handle each of them as they arise. It's often difficult for me to decipher between guilt and true conviction. How am I supposed to know when I am making myself feel bad, and when I am being led to make positive changes?

Generally (here we go with that word again), I am learning that conviction is different than a false sense of guilt. Conviction is that small whisper, those daily self-audits, that help us to align our goals with our current actions. It is honest, but generally kind. The goal of conviction is to encourage positive change. It wants us to become better, more whole, more holy, as a result of seeking Christ. 

Guilt, on the other hand, is usually a deafening voice. It's an aggressive, repetitive, growl of ridicule. It can rarely be escaped or made silent, even with modified behaviors. Guilt from the enemy is a thought pattern and a cruel cycle of destructive thought. These thoughts and feelings are not useful for building up. That wicked voice of guilt is cold, and isolating, and purposeless, and chaotic. And it can not be the voice controlling us.

Unchecked and unheard "conviction" (I'm sure) can also become pretty loud. But, I trust that if I am really seeking what is right (and paying attention to what and who I'm listening to) the truth will be brought to light.

I am constantly fighting between feeling and believing, emotion and fact. It's an exhausting battle between believing what experience has taught and what truth really is. I have to remind myself daily (on a minute by minute basis, even) to be careful who I'm listening to.  And I have to remember that despite constantly feeling defeated, I have to keep those "walls of pride" in check as well.

In the words of C.S. Lewis, [Mere Christianity]

"True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less."

To the Label-less Sufferer

Emotional and mental abuse creates scars with no obvious physical ailments, with no "appropriate" stories to share, and no discernible villains to put behind bars. There is little help and little closure. Labels help us categorize and compartmentalize things in our lives. But suffering can't often be labeled and tucked into neat little boxes. We experience and we process but . . .

Emotional and mental abuse breaks our "processor". Emotional abuse strikes in a particularly vicious way, making us question our own identity.  Our head begins to question even the most basic matters of the heart. The constant psychological stress and continued searing pain of contempt exhausts our spirit. It poisons all of our thoughts and either makes us cynical or so idealistic that, in our minds, it's impossible to be anything less than perfect. One's own judgment and knowledge becomes a casualty of war.

One of my first steps in seeking truth and healing is learning to label. Labeling helps me see things as they actually are rather than how they are through the eyes of someone else. As I go on this journey of discovery and truth, I want to be able to share the ups and downs, progress and setbacks. Hopefully it will help someone else in their journey ... or help a friend reach out to someone they know.

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Here are some thoughts, lessons, and labels I have learned over the years [and am still working through if I am being completely honest]: 

Speaking about abuse is not disrespect. It is not ungratefulness or pride or harsh judgment. It is coming to terms with the facts. It's putting your emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being as a top priority.

Healing from abuse requires support. Unlike many other sufferings, this form lives within the mind and heart only. It's hard to be supportive about something that we aren't familiar with or haven't experienced. But trying ... that is what really counts. Someone that has suffered at the hands of an identity thief [abuser], really needs affirmation. It can take a long time for the light to win.

Working through abuse is not living in the past or dwelling on the bad. Overcoming distorted views requires digging through the garbage. It required picking through things that are rotten and fraudulent while searching for everything that is ethical and honorable and honest.

It's grief. It's fear. It's doubt. It's distrust. 
It's questioning. It's uncertainty. It's confusion. 
It's identity. It's vulnerability. It's personal.

It's mistrusting everyone and everything, including yourself. It's being unable to trust that you are capable of hearing Gods will and making well informed choices. It's assuming that people really do think the worst of you. It's fearing that the cycle of abuse will continue with you. It's constantly second guessing every feeling, option, choice, intention. It's making yourself sick by playing through all the scenarios and realizing the main component of contention and concern is ... you. It's hard.

Abuse makes you certain of only one thing, that you are the problem. You are not enough. You are failing. You are destructive. You are unwanted and you are deplorable. It's being bound by invisible chains that make asking for help, needy and not asking for help, foolish. It's about hating who you are, how you got here and how you are thought of.  It's about never living up to expectations. It's seeing love and acceptance as a direct result of action and effort.

"You can do anything you put your mind to" they say ... but your mind is a mess. You feel crazy, misunderstood, and misinterpreted. You live and love in a constant state of emotional exhaustion. You overthink everything. Everything. You desperately want to be accepted for who you are, but you aren't really sure who that is or who that should be. Church sermons designed to correct bad behavior feel designed and directed at you. Harsh advice breaks your heart and shatters your emotional stability. Every comment penetrates to your core, not because it's cruel or wrong or even meant for you but because you believe every bad trait and character flaw is you, defines you. It can take years to recover from a stray comment that further confirms your weaknesses and fears. Compliments are usually rejected until they begin to outweigh the heaviness within your heart.

Emotional turmoil is never really knowing what you are good at. It's insecurity. It's constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, for love to become conditional. It's remembering that your feelings don't really matter. It's knowing that your perspective isn't valid or valued. It's hating manipulation but falling for it every time because you hate discord and desire to please. It's complete vulnerability. It's the risking bearing your soul or becoming an impenetrable fortress. It's cold and it's isolating. It's helpless. It's infuriating. It's worth weeping over.

It makes crying shameful and anger invalid. It makes boundaries impossible. It makes anxiety the primary emotion. It makes mountains out if molehills. It makes lions into lambs and lambs into vicious lions. It makes you prey. Prey to your own thoughts, your own fears, and others' assumptions. It always keeps true love at a distance.

Suffering is hard, no matter who, and why, and how it happens. We experience loss and hardship, broken dreams and broken promises. We question who we are and who we want to be.  We question authority. We question spiritual matters and ultimate truth. We wonder if we are failing and we consider life on greener pastures. 

The main thing about suffering is ... it takes time to heal. It takes strength. And it requires divine intervention. It requires freedom from the bondage of emotional and spiritual darkness. It requires a new identity. It requires a healer.

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To the label-less sufferer, 
God sees you. He wants to make your heart whole and full. He will fight for you. You are loved. You are known. You are wanted. 

Renewal. Revival. Truth. - Some of my Story

17 years old.  I was sitting in her living room, her hot breath on my face. Hushed words with so much intensity. I was told how ignorant, god-less, un-christian, "common", cruel, ungrateful, disrespectful, worthless, and evil I was. I was videotaped as I sobbed and shook and wished I could die. I was told that my school friends needed to see how their "Christian" friend and leader really acted. I was asked if I would be embarrassed to show my friends the "real" me. I was asked why I was crying and why I was angry. I'm a "lucky little bitch". I was told that I was the reason for her sickness and strokes/seizures, for her outbursts, and rage, and thoughts of suicide. I was finally left to sit alone. I wasn't allowed to speak or cry or move off the couch, because I would contaminate the rest of the house. I was disgusting.  -- A tiny house in the middle of the country, no streetlights, and the continued "conversations" that were meant to be heard through paper-thin walls about my worthlessness and cruelty. Then nothing. Just crickets outside in the black.

Eventually, one of them appeared again and pulled me close. She laid my head on her lap, brushed the little hairs from my temples and told me how proud of me she was and how good I was.

And that's the night that I died.

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The summer before my senior year of high school. A normal time for uncertainties. A time for hopes and dreams, questions and fears. A time when the future is equally exciting and terrifying. A time when we most desire stability and belonging, when we seek direction and hope. 

After a years of issues and a particularly severe year of emotional torment, I left my school, my church, my best friends, my boyfriend, all of my positive influences, my leadership roles, people that knew me and respected me as a person, half of my family and all normalcy and sanity. I was forced to move out of state to live in a camper with my mom and my 7 year old sister. No drivers license, no car, no freedom, no friends, no church, limited calls, if any. Definitely no contact with my Dad. We were "starting again", away from everything that she hated, no loved, no hated, no loved.

She thought that we needed counseling. But "we"meant me. If I would just let go. If I could just love her more. She couldn't understand why I didn't love her enough to be entirely happy about leaving everyone and everything. We sought counseling at a little church but once they actually caught on to what was happening, we would find fault in those manipulative traitors and and stop going. The game would be played and apologies made for past boyfriends or behaviors or "working too much" but never admission or apology for the current situation. 

A bad example to my sister ... a diva, a brat, cruel and callused, selfish, ignorant, uncaring, disloyal. A liar. The mental and emotional control went on for what felt like years. I had no right to be depressed or upset, angry or sad. I had no right to feel unless they were her feelings. No right to speak unless they were words that she wanted to hear. I felt like I had nothing. I didn't matter. I was either screamed at or ignored. My voice didn't matter. My opinion didn't matter. My emotions didn't matter. I had to shut down. So I did. I went into emotional hiding. I prayed so much that summer. I walked to the campground playground when I could. I would sit swing and listen to praise music to try and find something bigger. I was dying inside. 

Apparently my sudden silence was taken to be a "cry for help" and I was literally wrestled into the car and taken to the ER while they bombed the camper for roaches where a doctor prodded me with questions about my depression and "thoughts of suicide". I never wanted to or threatened to kill myself, I explained. I just didn't want to be tormented. I wanted normalcy, stability. I want to feel loved. I want to be away from my mom's 'friend'. But what what my mom (apparently) heard from the doctor was quite different. "She hates you. She loves her Dad. She doesn't want to be with you."

The scratching squeak of the glass doors sliding open was the only thing I heard as we walked into the parking lot. No eye-contact. No words. Finally one word, not so hushed this time, "In". The door slammed behind me. A few moments of piercing silence, just the sound of the pouring rain on the hood, and then every word and name in the history of names.
"How could you tell some stranger lies about your family?!"
"You're lucky to be alive right now."
"You're lucky you weren't slapped shit-less in the parking lot."
"No one wants to look at you because you're worthless."

"You're dead to me", she said.

And for the first time in my life, I really wished I was.

We drove to a laundry mat. You know, just going about normal business while my mom stared off into the distance and I wept uncontrollably. I couldn't breathe. When the car finally stopped, I ran to the closed down gas station next door and melted beside the pump, praying for God to have mercy on me and just kill me rather than torture me like this. They didn't follow. More than an hour later they found me and made me get back in the car. I was told they only cared where I was because they were responsible for me and "would be damned if they went to jail for some little bitch". We drove off into the middle of nowhere to that tiny hell-house with just trees and fields and darkness. So much darkness.

My innocence was slaughtered that day and my identity was stolen. I was left questioning who I really was, what value I really had, and what I could possibly offer anyone in life, especially God. What I knew to be true was completely altered. My identity had been forever changed.

There is certainly much more to this story, good things, great things, and bad things... God did incredible things and wonderful people worked very hard and loved me so well.

But my purpose in writing this is two-fold.
1. To work towards truth. And I can't work towards truth if I can't ever speak the whole truth. I feel things deeply and personally because those attacks were personal.  My "trust" issues are valid. My hardships may not be particularly blog-worthy or visible or memorial-able but they are no less real.
2. To encourage other people that my not have a "platform" or physical proof of injury, to know that they aren't alone. You are valuable. You aren't crazy (as much as certain people would like you to think you are). You are wholly loved.

Lots of people have written books and blogs about abuse, loss, addiction, tragedy... but I feel like emotional abuse is rarely spoken of because it's label-less. It's not a "platform" that's seen as acceptable or reasonable or truly tragic. It's messy, somewhat self-inflicted, continuous, and most who have experienced it don't ever get "past it" or away from the influence of their abuser. Like an addiction, it's always calling from the shadows.

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The wounds still haven't really healed. It's been more than 10 years and these scars can still be easily opened. I fight my own personal identity crisis daily. These things may have been brushed under the rug, buried beneath the surface, or never acknowledged but that doesn't make them less true and it certainly doesn't make them less painful or toxic.

I'm sure that many people will be quick to tell me to count my blessings and to be grateful I wasn't beaten or physically tortured. And I am thankful about so many wonderful things in my life that I certainly don't deserve. The truth doesn't negate thankfulness. There are people who would say it's best not to speak of these things but respectfully, not speaking of these things is just more isolation. Because until you've been in a place of mental and emotional chaos at the hands of people you believe love you, you don't understand. And to the abusers who refuse to acknowledge the things that happened, it's real. It's been very real for me these past several years and it has affected every single aspect of my life -- from my marriage to my children to my relationship with my sister to my aspirations and decision making abilities. But honestly, the worst of all is my spiritual life. You made me doubt things I never knew I could. I walk on eggshells in my own mind. I can't even be "good" without thinking that I'm probably doing it for the wrong reason.

I will never let you in fully, again. I will not let you hurt my family. I will try to protect those that I love against torment. I will not let you control my mind or my emotions. I will protect my boys, because that is what parents do, protect their children from harm. So instead of guilt-trips and conversations about forgiveness, lets converse about this... when you can acknowledge that all these things were done and said, then we can communicate. Until then, it's not actually a conversation... it's manipulation. 12 years and these sores still burn so wildly that there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel the sting. I need to cut off the cancerous limb and all the twigs that have sprung from it.

I need to be able to tend to the true heart issues in my life. I need to hear the truth and believe it, good and bad. How am I supposed to work on issues when I'm consistently made to feel as though I'm insane? How am I to seek truth and believe the truth when I'm not allowed to speak about true things that happened?

I'm finished with being fearful of what people think and assume. I'm finished wondering if people understand me or really care about me. I'm finished second-guessing. I'm finished feeling crazy. My identity doesn't come from you or your friend. I know, in my mind, that you both were wrong, but my soul still feels tormented.

My faith needs to be greater than all the fears within me. I want to believe that God can heal even the invisible wounds. I have been wholly crushed and wholly lost but I know that I am wholly loved, if I accept it and believe it.

And that is my meditation for this year: Renewal. Revival. Truth.
I'm ready for this endless winter to be over and for spring to come once again.

New Mama: You Will Survive.

New Mama,

Hang in there.

You will survive.

I know you're exhausted --More exhausted than you've ever been in your entire life. You're so tired that your body aches everywhere, you probably have a constant headache and you probably look like you've been punched in both eyes.

You're hormonal. --And boy do you know it. --And you feel guilty for the uncontrollable weeping and angry snapping you've done for the past few days.

You love that baby more than anything. You'd literally give an arm for that child (heck you'd give both). But heaven knows, you need those to position the little one for feedings and do the baby-rock dance across your living room or nursery -- for hours on end. You need those arms to change endless poopy diapers, attempt* to feed yourself, slather cream on your hurting bits, and climb into bed... or the couch you've been camped out on for the last week.  So rest assured, we know (and God knows) you love your child. You're doing it right, Mama.

And it's okay to be completely and utterly overwhelmed. It's okay to have puffy eyes that barely stay open due to tears and sleep deprivation. It's okay to have a sharp tongue at times and the deepest doubts you've ever experienced.  We mamas understand. And your man, he loves you.  He just may not know what to do for you at the moment. He doesn't think poorly of you. He doesn't think you're insane. -- I mean, he might, but let's be real, you kind of are at this point. And it's okay.

You aren't alone.

Sleepless nights and constant feedings, sore lady-bits (top to bottom), and some serious hangry outbursts are all part of the new baby experience.  If you can get through this, you can get through anything. Motherhood is not always this hard.

"Let me sing you the song of my people".

You're postpartum experience is unique to you and it's unique to your baby. And sometimes even the most well-intended advice just. won't. work. --And you'll feel incredibly discouraged. --And you'll wonder why you're different.  --And you'll wonder why your kid won't sleep like the other people who post snuggly pics all over Facebook. --And you'll wonder why your little love just won't stop crying. --And you'll feel like you are constantly failing and you don't know what to do.

Sometimes you'll just want to cry and sometimes you consider taking a walk alone... while your child screams inside. --But you won't because you are a good mama.  Oh, but you'll consider it.  --And then you just might close the door to the nursery and take a couple-minute mental break when you know the baby is safe.

You literally may not have the energy or strength or physical ability to get the baby pillow off of your lap and get off the couch to shower. Every nap, bathroom break, and every attempt at meal prep may be interrupted by fussing and feeding.  And the grocery store, please. No mama. Ask the jogger down the street to go for you.  Because girl, you gotta rest.

You will survive.

It doesn't feel like it. In fact, you probably feel like you are dying as you read this... but you will be okay.  Give yourself a break. --You just made and delivered a (not all that tiny) human!  And despite your worst fears, your emotions won't completely take over your life. You won't feel so discouraged forever. There will be light at the end of this tunnel.

--Also, don't listen to the mamas that see everything through rose colored glasses (at least right now)  or those that have recently slept a full (I don't know, 6 hours) and offer all sorts of "gratitude" advice. Gratitude regarding your family and new little blessing is a given and it's important to be thankful. --But postpartum life sucks for a while. It just does. But by God's grace, you'll make it.

Hang in there, exhausted, discouraged, hurting, weeping, hangry, overwhelmed, stinky, half-asleep Mama!  You will survive.


<3 Love and LOTS of prayers,

Lauren

Worship: A Little Bit of Joy

For some time now, I've been struggling with my identity. I tend to glorify "the good old days" as something that I wish I could get back to but I couldn't ever explain why.  Well tonight I had a bit of a break-through.

Once upon a time, I was confident enough of my identity in Christ to not take criticism so harshly or let it control my actions or feelings.  I knew my place in serving Him. I knew my strengths and I knew my weaknesses.  I loved serving in creating ways, caring for the hurting, and singing on worship team. Nothing felt more "real" than to using my voice to sing praise to God.

I don't have all that many talents. I'm not a great speaker, or writer, or teacher.  The words come out all wrong, my face seems to show the wrong things, my tone isn't quite right and my grammar... well... but heavens, I can sing. I love it. Even if I couldn't actually sing and all I did was screech, I'd still love it.  It makes my soul feel lighter. It instantly makes me feel connected with God. -- Peaceful. Passionate. Personal.

---

The start of my identity crisis began when I was really young, but laid dormant until a sudden spike in emotional chaos, in late my later high school years, put severe insecurities and doubts in my head that contradicted my heart. Sermons and comments (not necessarily directed at me) about pride and showing off started working their way into my head, making me unsure if my motives were right.  I took a few steps back to prove to myself that I was perfectly content with praising God without being in a position of leadership. Soon after, a couple of uncomfortable experiences with very very charismatic worship, left me unsure about my interest in participating and left me questioning the line between passion and distraction. Later on, some seemingly unenthusiastic praise experiences ended up leaving me wanting more passion and joy. 

Around the same time, an individual in my life (that I no longer trust for any amount of advice or direction) would say all the right things and sing all the right songs and quote all the scripture verses very conveniently in the right settings and around the right people. They would seek "counseling" but weren't willing to accept responsibility. They forced me into counseling, declaring that I was the problem. They would constantly push blame on everyone else, labeling them as hypocritical, arrogant, ignorant, and cruel. They attacked my emotions, insisting that feeling anything other than what they wanted me to was sinful and hateful. They attacked my interests, my service, and my Christian friends.  They made me feel guilty and shamed about things that weren't wrong or disrespectful. They threatened me and they made me feel worthless, useless, and fake.  They allowed me to be emotionally abused. They were emotionally abusive (which ultimately felt like spiritual abuse). They attacked my core. They attacked everything that I once knew to be true, all the while, putting on this wounded, yet God-seeking front. Lies.

Later on, after most of the chaos had subsided and boundaries had been set, they would somehow link all experiences into some sort of personal sermon and it ultimately left me dreading (no hating) the idea of worshiping with them, or near them, or listening to any advice from them.  Their constant spiritual "act" left me angry (no livid), and confused, and hurt, and guilty, and anxious. To this day I absolutely dread conversations and church-goings with them.

All these things left me unsure of who I was supposed to be.  I knew I that needed to be genuine and I knew that I needed/wanted to love God,  but what did that mean now? How do you pick through the lies and options and half-truths?

Are emotions sinful? Is passion inappropriate? Is quietness cruel? Did talking about or believing biblical things make silly or unreasonable? Did singing and serving make me seem ingenuine? Did feeling make me weak? Did disagreeing make me disrespectful? Does talking about my problems make me a shameless victim, desperate for attention? Does asking for help make me irresponsible?

--with respect to worship-- Are drums, guitars, and colored lighting too provocative? Is technology too "showy".  Are hymns and organs too bland? Is quieter worship unpassionate?

From simple to complex, nothing was off limits from the slaughterhouse that was my mind.

I wish I could say that I wrestled with all these questions and identity issues and came out stronger than ever, but I didn't. I let them boil beneath the surface for years, and with each new question and concern, I took another step back from serving for fear of being misunderstood or misrepresented, or becoming truly prideful.  I fear judgement. I'm afraid of being joyful. I'm afraid of being attacked. I'm afraid of the guilt and shame being valid.

There is an underlying level of irrational fear, guilt, shame, and anger that exists beneath my desire to serve.  I constantly feel as though everyone is looking at me, judging me as harshly as I judge myself.  I am ashamed to lead because I'm afraid that anything I do will potentially harm the very cause I'm fighting for.  I'm afraid to give anything my all for fear that I'll lose myself if that thing gets attacked. -- That, on top of my knee-shaking, heart-pounding, stage-fright doesn't exactly make me first in line to volunteer to be in front of a crowd of watchful eyes. 

---

All of that to say that I have been actively seeking a "safe" place to connect with God again, to worship God ... away from people that I know (even if they aren't judging) and away from comments about too many pretty girls and "rock concerts" and big productions. I have decided to reclaim my identity in Christ and not put my identity in other people's opinions of what they like or dislike, or assume is prideful.

I am trying to become the "me" that God desires.  Part of that is tapping back into passion-evoking things that stir up desire within my soul.  God created me with a passion for song and a deep deep need for worship. I will not let Satan steal my joy.  I will not confuse passion with pride and I will not let others' opinions dictate my beliefs and feelings.  I will believe the best about others and I will rely on God to show me if my motives are corrupt.  No one else can judge my heart, and I can't judge theirs.

My first step in my identity overhaul is changing my worship.

I've decided to go after what I like for now... because worship is personal.
I like to be completely immersed in worship. I like to feel "close" to God.  I like to raise my hands occasionally, in worship.  Not for show, but for me. I like to close my eyes and stand still.  I like to sway to the music. I like loud and I like quiet. I like to stop singing and listen to all the people singing together. I like to pray in my thoughts and thank God for being so personal, so wonderful and so awe-inspiring.  I like to smile and sometimes I even end up wiping away tears. Music moves me.  And none of that is wrong.

I know that musical "worship" is just a tool of true living worship, but it's my tool. It's the one I could always go to when I was overwhelmed, heartbroken, scared, and unsure and give it all to God. I am desperate for encouragement. I am desperate for healing.

I am ready to let joy in.  But opening myself up to the good also makes me vulnerable and I'm scared. So I'm protecting my heart for now and I'm going to be "wonderfully alone" -- with God -- for a while.

I'm praying that by changing my environment and my perspective, my heart might follow ...and gain the breath of life it needs. I'm asking for God to show me who he is and what he desires for me. I am also praying that the people I love are not offended by my choices and needs at the moment.  My motives are true, none of this is coming from a place of judgment or disapproval.  I'm just doing what I believe is best for my spiritual growth and rejuvenation.

Prayers are very, very, much appreciated. <3

Little Notes for Little Eli -Part 7

7/12

Eli,

Your Daddy seems to be doing well in academy so far.  It's been really tough and very taxing physically, especially after working a desk job for several years ... it's pretty hard to compete with recent military retirees and those that had months to prep for academy but he's really pushing and I think you've been helping to keep him motivated. -- You're a very motivational little guy. ;)

He's a good man, Eli, a really good man.  He's tough, and determined, and wants to provide for his family (that's you and me, kid). You've got a great guy to look up to.

Can't wait until we have you as our son,
Mom

-----
7/14

Daddy's first week of Academy and Aunt Mariah came to visit us.

It's always fun .. and slightly terrifying ;) to have her visit.  --Mostly because she can now operate a vehicle.  She did well though! -- I won't let her tote you around in any wheeled contraption except for your stroller for quite a while yet, but I was very proud of her.

I was scared for my life when attempting to jump out in front of moving traffic, mind you, but our little Yaris is a difficult stick-shift to drive.  Anyway-- our baby is all grown up ;) -- it's weird -- and it makes me feel old.

So... we mostly relaxed and munched on a ton of grapes and watched movies. We attempted to go to the zoo but Momma's body didn't do very well walking around in the hot, hot weather.  We still had fun though.

You are really going to like your 'adorkable' Aunt Mariah.  I just know it.

-----

7/15
We are in the single digits, little man!  Only 9 weeks until we get to meet you (well hopefully) unless you decide to make an early appearance or make us wait even longer.  I'd really like to meet you on time or just a teensy bit early, okay?  Do you think you can make that happen?  ;)

Also, look at this adorable little sneakers. Too cute for words! While you may not get much use out of this particular pair, given their size and your current inability to crawl, walk, stand (or escape) ... I look forward to the days when you get great use out of wearing your sneakers to play outside and run a muck.

I was watching your dad work out last night after work and imagining what things will be like when you are old enough to really play with him.  I'm sure you'll love working out side-by-side with daddy.

My heart will be even fuller than it is right now, and that's pretty hard to imagine.

Love you a bazillion (and two) push-ups,

Mom

-----
7/17 Black-tie awards banquet and RAM school graduation.

 

-----

7/22

We still have only gained about 6-8 lbs (it fluctuates depending on the day) so far.  Sleeping has become quite an event! There are pillows and comforters everywhere! lol  Your dad has to go to bed as early as possible so he can survive very long, very active days at work, which sometimes doesn't quite jive with our late-night schedule- and bedtime wiggles (from the both of us). 

7/29

Little Monkey, 

THERE YOU ARE!!! It's so incredible to have a perfect little face to put with all your rolls and kicks and punches.  I know I'm partial, but I think your the most handsome little boy in the whole world!

At least there are perks to weekly testing. We have been incredibly busy over the last few weeks!  We have our regular appointments on a bi-weekly basis, just to check how pregnancy is going with our doctor.  We have weekly ultrasounds to check on your growth and fluid levels for gestational diabetes and to look at your little kidneys. We also have to go in for (what should be) brief non-stress tests to make sure your heart is happy and you are doing alright in there, again, due to gestational diabetes.  --And a few other specialist appointments with EVMS for diabetes and now, also Maternal Fetal Medicine (the prenatal urologist) and we have an appointment scheduled with a pediatric urologist too.  We want to keep a close eye on your once you are born to make sure you don't have any kidney issues.  They seem to think you have one "special" kidney that could potentially cause trouble... but sometimes these things will clear up themselves.  -- That's what we are praying for!   

The non-stress tests are kind of funny because you hate the monitors so much that you roll and kick until you are able to move out of the way. Since they are trying to keep track of your heart rate it can sometimes cause a problem because you get too wiggly and worked up that your heart beat 'falls' off the monitor-- and it can cause concern for the doctor who isn't in the room watching your (visible) acrobatics. ;)  Needless to say, 20 minute appointments can often last an hour or so simply because they want to keep checking on you.  hahaha. 

I definitely think you are going to keep us on our toes, little man! 

I can NOT wait to hold you in my arms and watch your Daddy see you for the first time too!

<3 Mommy 

-----

7/30

Our 4th Anniversary as a family of 2.  We can't wait to meet you, little man!

-----

8/5

Sleepless nights.  Somewhere between bathroom breaks, body aches and a constant 'cold' feeling, it's been pretty difficult getting a decent amount of sleep.  Sometimes we can't fall asleep and sometimes, like this morning, we get up around 4 to use the restroom and can't get back to sleep.  

We've seen a lot of I love Lucy episodes though ;).. and random food network programs.  - Ew, and infomercials. Those are terrible!  

Also your Daddy loves you so much and wants so many wonderful things for you.  You are going to adore him!

We love you, 

Mom and Dad

-----

8/7

Sweet Hiccup-y Boy, 

I makes me so happy every time I feel your little hiccups. You have them all. the. time. --especially after we eat. ha ha!  I've heard that hiccups are very good and show that your practicing breathing - so that makes me feel very good about your little developing self! 

Man, the last couple of weeks have been hard.  Apparently 3rd trimester hormones are in full swing. Stresses from a lot of doctors appointments and scheduling and work stress and insurance troubles, miscommunication and not feeling well or sleeping well are making it quite difficult to function.  Things seem very out of control at the moment.  

I have been trying very, very, hard to keep my emotions in check and rely on God to work everything out, just as it should be... but I tell you, when it comes to finances and your health and my health and sanity... I can start feeling a little ... crazy!  Not to mention the fact that Daddy has been recapping his academy lessons with me after work, which are sometimes quite entertaining and sometimes... a bit overwhelming and scary. 

Talking about things like PTSD, coping with intense stress, always being on guard, police injuries and officer deaths and close combat etc... makes this fragile heart of mine worry like crazy about the life we are all about to commit to.  I worry so much about your Dad's safety and mental/emotional/spiritual well-being and of course, I worry about our family and home life and the kind of changes that will inevitably happen in our marriage with a new career path and a new little love (that's you) to think about. 

There has been so much change recently, and so much uncertainty to come, that it's really quite amazing these 'breakdowns' don't happen more often, I think. Your Dad has had to be a bit more gentle with his story-telling recently in order to keep me from melting down into a puddle of angsty tears.  I want to protect him and protect you and protect us ...  and mostly I want to make sure that I'm a good example of what courage and trust in God looks like.  It's harder to live out than it is to talk about, that's for sure. But we will all learn a 'new normal' and (I'm sure) learn to cope with stresses and scares and rely on peace from our Father an awful lot.

In other news. We love waffles and... we love mac and cheese (obviously- we just love mac and cheese all the time). We love Mochi ice cream (seriously-- we can't get enough) AND we love sleep. OOOOH we love sleep ...although "insom-nom-nom-nia" has taken over recently! 

I will admit, we have made quite a few midnight snack trips to the fridge for Mochi ice cream, a sweet and juicy apple, chocolate milk... or anything else that sounds enticing.  

"Sweet" dreams baby-boy. I know I'll be dreaming of sweet things. ;) 

 -Mom 

-----

8/12

This is our JAM!  

 http://youtu.be/7pELxwTp7gk
Pennies from Heaven -Louis Prima

----

8/14

Yep. You have officially blocked my view to my toes. You must be growing like a champ! 

On the list of other things that I'm no longer able to do without having to hold my breath or sit down, become a Cirque De Soliel acrobat, or hold on to my lunch:

Tie my shoes.
Shave my legs.
Find things under the bed.
Eat food. Period.
Reach across my desk at work.
Get onto tall bar stools.
Put on skinny jeans.
Sit on the floor.
Get off the floor.
Get into bed.
Get out of bed.
Reach behind the seat in the car.
Reach into my purse on the floorboard.
Pull stuff out of a shopping cart. 
Look inside the washing machine and dryer for lost items.
Easily 'squeeze'' past someone at a dining table.

Oh yes.  You've been a little difficult to maneuver with, little man ;)  I imagine it's been a bit difficult for you to maneuver as well, though.  

Love you, little dude. 

We can not wait to meet you!  

Always, 

Mom

Little Notes for Little Eli -Part 6

6/15
Eli,

We worked on your nursery today! You have lots of little books and a sweet elephant lamp (thanks Nana!).  We got you a sound machine so you won't wake when Daddy and I are moseying around the house at bedtime. We bought you a slender little book case and bins for your bedtime stuff and middle of the night quick-change items.

You have such cute decorations too! The little pennants were made by your Aunt Sarah. Granny (and Grammy) made those little felt elephants and we (you and me and daddy) put the little elephant mobile together and hung it up. Your Nana got that perfect nightlight elephant on your book shelf and Your Papa and Mama hung up the shelf that has decorations on it too! 

It's small, but it's home. I think you'll be happy to sprawl out, even in your mini crib after doing 9 months on the inside ;)  I love it and I hope you will too.

Can't wait to bring you home,
Mommy

------
6/17

 27 weeks today, Little Guy.  Grow, Baby, Grow!

Chocolate milk and hot cocoa make us very happy before bed!  Also, we did a some of your little laundries today. Every time I see your little outfits and blankets, I just can't help feeling overwhelmed with excitement!  I can't wait to snuggle you!

------
6/21
Hungry Man,

We. Love. Macaroni.  I can't say this is a "new" craving ... I've kinda loved mac & cheese since, well, forever.  However the amount of effort I have been willing to exert in order to make mac and cheese says a lot about our desires recently.

No boxed option?  No problem.

Elbow noodles... cheddar cheese... noodles boiling... oven baking... 30 minutes wait time.
-- WILL DO!-- as long as we can eat a ton of it!  It had better be worth our while ;) For whatever reason, it's one of the few things that doesn't seem to make us feel nauseous at the moment.

Hooray for food,
Mom 
 
------
6/24

------
6/26
Little One,

Here we are at work. It thought it was funny when I put on this on and you were basically covered!  I'm not typically this "thick" in my midsection but it was kinda fun feeling like I wasn't smuggling a volley ball for a brief moment.

This turned out to be a really rough day at work though. Everything was calm until the last 2 hours of the day when everyone in Virginia Beach decided to show up at the apartment. Feast or famine, you know?!  I ended up walking the property 3 times in a row, showing apartments at different sides of the community and climbing several flights of stairs with each prospect. I had a spur-of-the-moment re-show, an application and security deposit to work on, another rental to enter into the database, files to quickly shove together, notes to leave for my co-workers, multiple cash sheets and checks and deposit tickets to add up and put together, phones to forward, a clubhouse to close up and end of day reports to remember to print.  I didn't get to leave work until almost 7:30 (I should leave at 6) and still had to make the drop at the corporate office.

...Needless to say, after exerting so much effort and attempting to maintain professionalism and "spunk" through the end of the day,  Momma had a bit of a breakdown once I left the office. I cried all the way home. Then I cried into my Pedialyte at home for a good long while too. lol

My body really doesn't do well when walking or standing around normally nowadays, let alone walking around outside in the heat with no water break and no resting for almost 2 hours straight. It doesn't sound so bad, I know ... but believe me, in light of our recently altered routines, it was a pretty taxing evening.  I think you were annoyed as well. You kept kicking and kicking -- which didn't help my overly sensitive insides to calm down. Crazy kid.  It is taking a long time to get my body to settle down tonight though. Hopefully the next entry won't include a visit to labor and delivery again.

I'm sure you will eventually witness the ridiculousness that is hormones and exhaustion from your Momma one day and you'll look at me like I'm a nut-case. But do me a favor and just hug me, okay?

Love you to pieces,
Mom

------
6/28
Eli,

You have a new little cousin!
(Actually ... I guess you'll be the littlest cousin soon) Hooray, Joci is finally here!!!

We went swimming with Aunt Sarah and Mama on Friday, something we've been wanting to do for a while. It was incredibly nice to cool off in the water and feel no pressure on my body for a little while -- and feel the difference between pregnancy aches and actual pains. I'm sure it was especially nice for Sarah! After all, Joci was getting ready to make her big debut! Around 4 am this morning, we heard it was officially Joci's Birthday!!!

A little bit before we got the happy news from Josh and Sarah, I woke up with some pretty sharp pains (that reminded me of the kinds of pains I had before you and I were together). Those pains in on top of a few days of contractions and discomfort, I thought it was probably best to finally stop second guessing and head to the hospital to be checked out.

You, Sir, were as active as ever and your heart was beating strong. :) This time around contractions were there but not regular like last time! And luckily, no 'progress' was made and we credited the sharp pains to a ruptured cyst and went on our way. We have another appointment in just a few days, so we will see how everything goes then too. I'm beginning to wonder if my work schedule may have to change a little in order to keep me in the best shape to carry you. We will see.

***
In other AWESOME news:

We got to meet sweet Joci this morning!  She's so adorable and she has such chunky little cheeks. I just wanted to kiss them over and over again.

So many things went through my mind while holding her and loving on her. -- Like wanting to squeeze her so tight and tell her how loved she is. I got to hold Evie-girl but, given the timing and emotions surrounding everything, I didn't really let myself fully embrace her ... and it's something my heart regrets. Frankly I just didn't really know how to feel at the time.  It was so 'easy' to feel joyful and thankful while pressing my cheek against Joci's.  I cried a couple of times. I typically try to keep my emotions to myself... so that was kind of new for me. I just love those girls. <3

Holding that new little life also made me excited and so nervous about meeting you, little man.  Seeing her adorable head full of hair made me think even more about what you might look like.  The anticipation of meeting you is almost too much to bear! Truly, I can't imagine what you'll look like although I'm sure you'll look a lot like your dad and I'm sure that I'll think you are the most handsome kid on the whole entire planet. 

Holding that little pink bundle of fluff made me feel all ooey-gooey inside. (Like when I was a little girl holding my brand new baby sister for the first time).  I can only imagine how amazing it will be to finally hold you in my arms and kiss your little cheeks and hear your newborn sighs and finally have a face to put with the punches and kicks I've fallen in love with.

I can only imagine how scary it will be to also know that you are all mine (and Daddy's). --That we are completely responsible for you. Considering that I have a hard time keeping plants alive, I am a bit fearful of my feeding and parenting skills.  I'm not going to lie.  But we are going to wrap you up and take you home and you are going to wrap us around your little finger.  Our marriage, our family, our lives, will change forever.  For the better, my little love. <3

It was so wonderful having family gathered around celebrating together.  It's not something I've appreciated all that much until now, I have to admit.  I've tended to like my privacy and I've often distanced myself from potentially complicated or emotional situations (especially involving family). But I'm hopeful that when you come into this world, you will feel the love of your Daddy and I -- and so many wonderful people that we get to call family.  You are going to love having cousins that are close to your age and loving grandparents and Aunts and Uncles.  Believe me!

And, last but not least, it's incredible what new life does for your spirit. It's such an amazing thing to look at ten perfect little fingers and soft baby skin and realize that God make this precious, pint-sized, human in only 9 months.  It's just ... extraordinary!

Well, I guess that about sums up this particular installment of "The Mind of your Mother".  I love you Eli.  I can't say it enough.  Don't you ever forget it!

<3
Mom
  
------

7/1

I believe I've discovered the secret to our most resent bout with nausea.  ...Not having contractions.  When I don't feel terrible and my stomach doesn't feel like it's literally tied in knots, I actually want to feed us.  

When we are up for eating, we have been craving baked mac and cheese, pizza, reuben sandwiches and wonton soup and ...brownies.  When we can eat, we definitely do eat! :) 

Also, wow!  You are getting very strong little man! I'm pretty sure you have bruised my insides with all of your jabs and kicks. You seem to like to hang out in the same spot most of the time and you seem to have a pretty solid pattern going ... one super exercise day and then one day of mostly resting.

I think you wear yourself out and have to take a day to recuperate from all of your adventures! Anyway, maybe you and daddy can work out together (flutter kicks and punches) soon.  I have no doubt that you'll be great at them!

...and here we are at bedtime :) Your Aunt Sarah made you that adorable little onsie with a bowtie!  So cute! 

7/8

Your daddy finished his second day at Norfolk Police Academy today! We are very proud of him!  We have been very busy over the last couple of weeks preparing for this new adventure. I know your dad is incredibly excited that this is finally coming about! It's been a little unnerving trying to figure out a job switch, insurance switch, and all the other details that come with pay change and timing and other life changing events (YOU) ;) -- in such a short period of time. But we are committed and excited and we will figure out the rest as we go!

We couldn't be in a better situation to make everything work at the moment. It feels right and that is incredibly comforting. I have to admit though, I tend worry about him with this particular career choice ... but most of the time ... the best things require a lot of faith. I'm sure that's what you and I will be resting on a lot in the future.

Love you and daddy so very much,
<3
Mom

Little Notes for Little Eli -Part 5

5/13
Baby Boy,

We are getting the best, cutest, most fantastic stuff!  
You now have a sweet little bed courtesy of all your wonderful grandparents (Mama, Papa, Granny, Grandaddy and Nana!)... a happy little elephant friend (thanks Mama), cute clothes from your Aunts and other "Aunts".  You are one loved little dude!

You are going to be well-rested AND super stylish ;)

Love you,
Mom

------
5/14
Wild-Child,

Daddy felt you moving around last night! You have been quite busy rolling around and stretching I'm guessing because I'll feel you on one side and another at the same time.  It's really quite funny. The sensation is pretty awesome -although I do feel a little like I belong in a sci-fi movie some days. ;)
It's extra cool though to feel you on the outside.  For a few days I would think I could feel you on the outside of my belly but just wasn't sure if it was just my mind playing tricks on me, since I could feel you inside too.  But alas, I told your dad to just rest his hand for a minute and sure enough you were busy enough to punch him a few times.

Loving the constant reminder that you are with me,
Mom

------
5/16
Little Mister,

We didn't have to go to work today!  We really love having a day off, with no commitments sometimes!

The sweetest thing happened this morning. Every morning before your daddy leaves for work, he wakes me up with kisses and we share a quick- "I love you... Have a good day" and he's off to work. This morning, he kissed me, and he kissed you and told you that he loves you too. You rolled around twice and then back to sleep you went.
I just can't wait to see you in his new daddy arms, Eli.  He has already fallen head over heels for you, little guy. I can only imagine how great you both will be together once you are here! <3
So looking forward to September!

<3 Mommy

------
5/19
Precious Resident,

I hope you are enjoying your spacious living quarters for now. Your neighbors have been concerned about your constant late night activities, however. Could try and keep the stomach punching to a minimum between the hours of 10 pm and 7 am?  I know you enjoy practicing your martial arts, but momma's left side is beginning to feel bruised from all the action.

 <3 Your Loving Landlord

------
5/20

------
5/25
Little man,
What a weekend we had!

Your Aunt Sarah headed up hosting and planning a special shower to celebrate you this Saturday. It was beautiful, and sweet, and oh-so-classy.  There were adorable decorations, a photo wall with fun props, tables with lovely centerpieces, clever games, a mashed potato bar, tasty snacks and an amazing strawberry shortcake flavored elephant cake. Deeeeelicious! 

Our family and friends (Nana, Aunt Mariah, Grandma, Granny, Grandaddy, Grammy, Aunt Emily and Aunt Kristen and Uncle Jason) drove from out of state to visit with us, battling Memorial day traffic and eager ticket-giving police officers along the way.  ;)

So many of our wonderful friends and family decorated and crafted, spent time celebrating with smiles and good food, game-played and gift-gave, sent cards and packages and made our weekend super special!  We got some of the cutest and best gifts imaginable too! I just can't wait to wrap you in soft blankets, dress you up in cute outfits, diaper you, feed you, give you baths, read books, take you on car rides and walks, and watch you play.

We are very loved, Eli. Can you feel it?
You are going to love our Avalon family and your out-of-town family too!

<3
Mommy
 
------
5/26
Sweet Boy,

We spent a bit of time in the hospital early in this morning. Momma wasn't feeling so fantastic all evening, with some pretty solid back pain and cramps, so I finally gave in and called the doctor. She told me to come right in to be checked out at labor and delivery. Thankfully you seem to be quite okay and bumping around like crazy in there. Despite some steady contractions (maybe caused by dehydration and a "super-sensitive uterus" -according to the Doctor) nothing progressed past discomfort and you seem to be safe and sound for now. Thank the Lord!

--You need to bake quite a bit longer, so Daddy and I were quite relieved to hear that you weren't on your way yet!  We love you lots and are excited to meet you... but don't want you to make an appearance for quite a while, okay?

Love Always,
Mom and Dad

------
5/27
Just you, me, and Maestro.

------
6/1
Little Lounger,
 
Firstly, we did it!  We passed our RAM exam!  What a relief. Great job, Baby.  Thanks for not making Momma's brain go too fuzzy during classes.

Also, we have been spending a lot of time in bed over the last few days. We go to work, come home, lay down (or make a nest on the couch), try to eat something, drink masses of water, and just hang out.

We've watched a lot of movies, and gotten our fill of the Big Bang theory and Law and Order and all sorts of other ridiculous TV shows.  We have also been crafting up a storm! We have this system worked out.  I pick something up, ask you a question like, "Eli, should we use this scrapbook paper or try another one? -- Kick once for yes and twice for no." You tend to be pretty decisive but sometimes our system gets a bit messed up when you are busy practicing Karate ...or maybe you are just tired of all the questions?

Thanks for relaxing with me,
Mom

------
6/3
Eli,

We had an important appointment today. We needed to make sure that my recent discomforts were not hurting you or causing you to come too early. God certainly answered our prayers.  We had a very kind and understanding doctor that helped put our mind at ease. She explained a lot of things, took the time to listen to our concerns, and even explained some of her own experiences with pregnancy which, in a lot of ways, mirrored my own.

We still have to be very, very, careful... drink water like a fish and rest all the time to keep things at bay ...but I have faith that we will make it, kid! You are totally worth it.

^^I feel like we grew a lot this past week!^^

Love you,
Mom and Dad

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6/11
My Little Man,

We just finished putting stamps on our Thank You notes! We are still collecting a few addresses but... it feels good to get some important things accomplished and show our lovely friends and family our gratitude!

Mama and Papa helped us put up a shelf in your nursery area tonight! And Mama helped me finally get some pictures and mirrors up on the wall in the cottage.  It feel much cozier and homier now.  I've been desperately wanting to 'nest' and organize and beautify everything, so its incredibly nice to finally have some things set up and ready!

Also we are so very excited for your cousin Joci's arrival sometime in the next few weeks! We are praying for a very healthy girl and a healthy Aunt Sarah and a nice, smooth, delivery!  You are just going to love your big-boy cousin Micah too.  I'm sure he will teach you lots of cool things!

Love you bunches and bunches,
<3 Mommy