A Sore Reminder

It's hard to see adorable pregnancy pictures, baby announcements, family photos, and gushing parent/grandparent stories of cuteness and sweetness and pride.

But It's harder to hear stories about girls having kids in high school, parents that abuse or neglect the kids that they never wanted to begin with, the system scammers that purposefully get pregnant as a means of maintaining government assistance or 'keeping up' with other family members. It's hard to hear about 'accidents' and babies born to single parents who wished things would have turned out differently.

It hurts because... while it obviously doesn't matter to some, it matters to me. 

---
It's hard to be in pain. Physical pain is like a magnifying glass for all (regularly bearable) emotional triggers.

It's that time of month... The physically exhausting and painful phase when bending, bumping, laughing, hugging, sneezing, sitting, laying, twisting... breathing... seems to hurt.  When normal activities, like reaching to get a glass from the top shelf of the cupboard or putting on pajama pants, make you hold your breath and close your eyes.  When no pose or posture takes away the ache.

Thank God these "phases" come with a break in between. I can't tell you how grateful I am that the pain usually doesn't last for days on end --like some of my friends who deal with excruciating pain and treatments on a daily basis.  At least in my case, the few days of 'ouch,' usually come and go pretty quickly.

By God's grace I managed to make it past moving month and past my 1st month at work before any significant hurt set in. God got me through the majority of my work day today without any unmanageable (or visible) signs or pain and I'm scheduled to have the day off tomorrow.  Thank you, God!

But I'm having a hard time today -- tonight -- this week.

First came "the fever".
My familiar friend.  Hoping, wishing and trying to wait patiently for my turn/our turn. Oogling over little ones, sweet families, adorable outfits. Making light of family hopes and "when we-s".

Then comes the pain.
The sore reminder of a vacant oven and (potentially) broken one. Always unexpected and never to be counted on. Always depressing. Always.

Today, instead of trying to cover a baby bump like so many of my friends, I try to stay comfortable and cover a swollen mid-section. I continue on with work, and chores, and social obligations, while so deeply wishing that God hadn't said no.  ...wishing that plans wouldn't change and efforts would count for something.

So today, I'm simply grateful that...

Even at my worst, in my hurt... God is still good, and I am still human. ...And He still loves His girl. 

..And that reminds me, once again, of how desperate I am for the kind of comfort only He can give. 

Hope

Tomorrow marks 1 year since Baby's heavenly birthday.

and I just can't stop myself from thinking...

what if  things were different.

what if this extra room held a crib and a dresser filled with baby things  -little onesies, tiny socks, baby shoes, blankets, books, and sweaters with ears

what if the nursery could be filled with sweet little things picked especially for our little one

what if I knew I had a handsome boy or beautiful girl

what if they had a meaningful name that we both loved so much

what if my days were filled with diaper changes, feedings and coos

what if things weren't so quiet here

what if I could read a book and sing a soft lullaby before bed

what if, when I couldn't sleep, I could sneak into the nursery and just watch my little love sleep.

...

Those are just some of the things I miss and I miss them all the time.

I know I can't permanently live in the "what ifs" of life...
but just for today, I'm going to admit how often that little phrase crosses my mind and how often that Baby crosses my mind.

It may not seem like much... but for a little while last year, despite fear and disbelief, I knew that my dream of being a mom would soon come true, and that little Hope rooted quickly in my heart.

So today I think about Hope ...and Thank God for that brief joy of motherhood and the promise of life beyond this earth.

Remember

This little keepsake means the world to me.  

It's just so nice to have something to remember our little one by. We truly don't have anything else that's tangible.

I wore it to bed last night because I just didn't want to take it off. 

It's so beautiful, Thank You.

Feeling and Dealing

I know that I haven't had many encouraging words to say recently or interesting blog posts...

I just want to say that it isn't because I'm not happy. It's not because I'm horribly disinterested in maintaining 'normal' life like I've done for the past year, nearly.  I'm still living with great hope regarding the future.  But it feels as though a piece is missing, even though I never "knew the difference".  It feels like a little hope was stolen. It hurts to have to live "normally" when I know that this year would have been so different and it hurts to think that God would introduce something so special just to take it away. That's what I've been struggling with most. 

I've been actively trying to 'feel and deal' instead of pushing everything down or becoming numb like I did before. 

I've wanted to write something lovely and heartfelt and meaningful for weeks now... 

but nothing comes out right when it comes to this.  

There are so many thoughts and feelings in my head regarding the past year.  Those feelings piled on top of past hurts, plans, and current worries make it really difficult to differentiate things.  ...And since I can't seem to explain how I'm feeling and I typically end up talking in circles, I thought I'd share some excerpts from articles and stories from blogs I've been reading.  

I might seem ridiculous reading this from the perspective of someone else or from some random 'how-to' type article, but I think these excerpts sum up many of the emotions I've had over the last several months.  Amy went through a similar situation... and I think her thoughts and explanation closely resembles mine. 

Miscarriage is different than losing any other person in my life.  As soon as I see those "two lines," I am imagining this new child: will it be a boy or girl?  Will they have my dark hair and eyes or my husband's light hair and eyes?  What will they like to do?  Sports, music, writing, math?  Will they like to snuggle or will they prefer to roughhouse and play around? 

When I see those "two lines," I am automatically thinking nine months ahead and preparing my mind to add this child to our family. I am thinking of getting the carseat ready, the crib ready, the clothes ready…  So many thoughts and hopes and questions and plans. Despite not being prepared timing wise, I was so excited to learn more about this little one we made. 

When the miscarriage happens, I do not have a child to hold and say goodbye to, I do not have a funeral I can sense some closure from, and I don't have all the support from everyone around me to get me through the difficult time.

I recently talked with another friend about this experience, and we talked about how we have this cultural thing where we don't tell anyone we're pregnant (except very close family and friends) until we're 12 weeks along when the "risk" is gone. . .I wonder why we do that?  If a miscarriage happens, don't we want the support?  Isn't that the time when we go through such awful morning sickness and worry that we would appreciate the help?  These really are just musings because I was the same way. . .don't tell anyone that isn't super close until 12 weeks; looking back, maybe if I had done things differently, it would have been easier.  

Those who have been through this particular trial were those I was so grateful to have around me.  After my first miscarriage, I had a friend (who had been through a miscarriage herself not long before) bring me flowers and dinner when she found out.  It was so nice to feel someone knew what an empty space we felt and that flowers really were appropriate--you send flowers to a funeral, don't you?  I feel a miscarriage is the same thing: even if we never met the person, we grieve for them and feel a great sense of loss.

Someone brought me flowers when they found out, which I thought was so incredibly sweet and really thoughtful. It meant a lot.  It might sound odd, but I do think that it was good and necessary for me to have this finally feel like a loss, like a death that was 'worthy' of support  ...not just a bad dream or bad day to just 'get over'.   For so long I convinced myself that it was silly, in hopes of protecting my heart.

I really needed for this hurt to be validated, and still do. After all, I value life from conception, why wouldn't this be considered a loss?  I never want to feel like the loss of a baby (no matter how small) is silly or not worth being sad or disappointed about. 

Anyway, I found this article about unplanned pregnancy and miscarriage also...  It echoes some of the feelings I have had as well.  (Despite being unplanned, I did want this baby ...just didn't know what to do with the timing and finances)

"Many women bond with their baby early on in the pregnancy, and will feel incredibly sad that they will never know this child. 

She may feel the miscarriage is somehow her "fault" because the pregnancy was unplanned or unwanted. 

Women who were not planning a pregnancy may wonder how and why they became pregnant in the first place. 

Women who were not anticipating having a baby at this time in their life may simply feel guilty...  as though somehow everyone knows that they lost a baby they never wanted in the first place (this was one of the main reasons I didn't tell for so long) and that all other mothers or women who want to be mothers are censuring them... " 


These excerpts were from an article regarding both "unplanned" and "unwanted" pregnancies... which, despite being unplanned (in our case),  I still wanted very much. 

It's amazing how much love you can feel when that test says positive, even when it's a surprise.  It's incredible how many plans and hopes and wishes you have for someone you've never even met. It's been specifically difficult to be without any tangible reminders, keepsakes or photos.  

...until now, which leads me to my next post. 

New Year, New Page.

I'd like to get a certain something off my heart... now that a new year has come and things have settled down a bit.

This isn't going to be poetic or beautiful or meaningful, I'm sure... I apologize in advance for the length of this post.  Forgive me if this doesn't come out right and if I sound horrible or crazy. I just want to/need to put this out there so maybe my heart will have a chance to heal and my mind can 'let go' ...and perhaps allow some folks to be a bit more understanding and 'tender' with me.

There are days when, honestly, I don't think about it.  Luckily, for me, I definitely don't have the emotional burden of 'emptiness' (as she calls it) and loss like my sister-in-law, Sarah.  I haven't met and lost and I haven't known anything different than the family 'normal' that I've known for the last couple years...   which, I know, must be a blessing.

But there have been several (no, many) instances in the last year (especially recently) when I just can't keep myself from falling into these huge waves of emotion.  I can't seem to pull myself out of this pool of anger and jealousy, guilt, regret and mostly disappointment.

With Josh and Sarah's announcement in April, news of a baby girl, Evie's birth in early November, Evie's arrival in heaven and her memorial celebration...  and many more baby hopes and announcements from close friends and couples my age,  I can't possibly keep shoving everything down.  I think I made it through this year pretty well (at least until the holidays and until things settled down).

...But I've been watching kids play and mommas snuggle their little ones. I've been playing with toddlers, going to showers, and talking about pregnancy with friends, and even helping to announce pregnancy...  and it's kills me inside ...because I lied. And I know that's my fault.

I said it was was one false positive.  I lied.  It wasn't... it was three. Three, very seemingly real, positives in a few day span.

And by my calculations, our little one should have made his or her arrival sometime in late October or Early November.  I'm almost certain that we got pregnant in the first couple weeks of February, right around the time that my hormones were getting back to 'normal' after a bout with thyroiditis and after a birth-control switch.  But something was still 'off'.

March- 
After much prodding at work due to my co-workers confidence in my pregnancy symptoms, I took a test just to make sure.  Faint double line.  No! What?!...clearly my hormones are just crazy.  We've been really careful.

I picked up a two pack of tests this time and I waited through the longest day of my life.  Faint double line.  So I waited (an excruciating) couple more days and took the second test, Positive.  Double lines. There it was.

My first reaction:
The girls at work were right?!  Ohmygosh! A baby! I love babies!  Our baby. <3

My day 2 reaction:
Complete PANIC.

I had -just- spent the last few months focusing on how difficult life would be financially if we were to have a surprise baby.  I -just- spoke to a few close friends about my worries and our plans days ago. I was just talking about how I wish we could start a family but how stressed I was about loan debt and housing and ...everything really.  I was just talking about how I'm not ready yet.  I'm not stable enough, energetic enough, healthy enough.

...
What will Jed say?  He's not going to know what to do. He's going to be angry.  I might watch him have a panic attack right here, right now.  He doesn't want this yet... he's made that clear.  I didn't sneakily try this.  I do want this so much but I'm so petrified of what all this means.

Jed is so busy right now preparing for this huge work event, I can't put this on him now.  He might seriously lose his mind.  He will definitely lose his concentration.  I might lose my mind.

What am I supposed to do? Who do I tell first?  I tell Jed first  ...but I can't tell him yet.  Too much stress.  It's got to be pretty early (I think).  Should I make an appointment? But I shouldn't/can't take more time off work for this. I've been to the doctor about a million times over hormone stuff and birth control recently.

Should I be celebrating? Planning?  Where will we put her/him... in a sock drawer?

Why now, God?  We don't even have our own place. We just started new jobs. We just started this young adults thing... 

Okay, settle. Keep it together.

Keep it a secret until Jed's work thing settles down. Find a good time and then... a talk.  Jed will understand.  He loves me. These things happen.


...
He will be a wonderful dad. He will adjust and he will be responsible and love like no other.

Maybe it's a blessing. What am I talking about?! It is a blessing. It's what I want so badly.  I just wish timing was different and finances were better. A baby. *Sigh* A family ... just like I've always dreamed of and prayed for.

Well, I prayed that someday I could get pregnant. Obviously God thinks now is an appropriate time. Okay, God.  We can do this.  We are married adults. We will make it work, whatever it takes. We will love him/her so much. We may not have the 'ideal' financial situation.  But then again, who does?  I may not be able to stay at home but...  it will be okay. God won't give us more than we can handle, right?

Everything will be okay.  I'll tell Jed soon.  Lets jut get past this week and next... and I'll find a time after all the work chaos ends. 

...
March 28-
I'm really hoping this is 'normal'...

March 30-
Apparently telling won't be necessary.  Pain, horrible cramps, can barely walk.

April 5-
Ultrasound.
Confirmed.  No baby.

SHUT DOWN.
Back to work.

...
All this worry and planning, emotion and mental chaos for what?  ...For a let-down like this?!!!! I already let it sink into my heart, God!

How could you let me want this, God!  ...I didn't even know how much until (I thought) you showed me.  But now what? You're going to take this away?

Stop it, Lauren. You can't get angry over something you weren't completely sold-out about to begin with.  Just pack it away.  It stays a secret.  No one else needs to know anyway. After all, it's my stupid body, my stupid emotions. Keep yourself under control.

...
Just be grateful.  Nothing has changed, right?  Proceed as usual.
If I focus on normal things then surely this disappointment will go away. It was just weeks ago when I didn't know any different.

Keep busy. Just keep busy. 

Oh good, new things on the horizon. Party planning, new job.  I can erase this whole thing from my mind.

...
April 7-
Finally something to celebrate!  Teresa's Birthday. This will get my mind off things. :) Fun planning and fun times.

Surprise!
... Josh and Sarah are having another baby.
...a little over 6 weeks along.

I should have been about 10 weeks right now and should have been able to confidently announce it in just another 2 weeks or so.

Seriously, God?! How can you be so cruel?
How am I supposed to be joyful with them?

I feel so stupid for hoping. I should have known better.  Why am I so emotional over something so small, something so 'unimportant' to everyone else.  Something no one else even knows about.  It should be unimportant to me too. I'm so stupid.

Oh God!  That's what it was...
I didn't want this baby enough.
Or maybe I wanted it too much?  For the wrong reasons? God, I don't know.

...Because I didn't love her/him the whole time.  I didn't plan it and didn't 'take care' of him or her well enough.  It's because I didn't tell Jed.  It's because I waited to say something.  I waited too long. This is punishment for lying.    Ashamed.

Some people say that "unplanned" and "unwanted" are interchangeable.  So... I unwanted this kid right out of being.

Guilty.
Disappointed.
Betrayed.
Jealous.

Numb.


July-
It's a girl.
Boiling.
Jealous. Angry. Betrayed.

Horrible news.
I take it back... I'm not jealous. Not really, God.  A niece would be nice.
God, I didn't mean this. What are you doing?!
You are making a complete mess of hearts! How could any of this possibly be good, how could this possibly be helpful, useful?

Wow. Yet another layer of confusion on top of an already broken 'hope'.

Public blog posts and lots of support.
I want that.
God, I need to release all this... this anxiety.  I need someone to know. I need someone to understand.

It's not your time now. You've missed your chance to be comforted.  It's not a big deal,  especially now.  This only hurts you anyway, don't be so selfish.

But I still need some comfort and I have to tell Jed.  I feel so guilty.

...So I tell a half truth.

"I got a positive pregnancy test a while ago...  I didn't tell you. I'm sorry."
"What?..."  " You're pr..."
"No. I'm not."
...
...
"It was probably a false positive. Your hormones have been crazy"
"Right."   ..."It was probably just a mistake"
...
...
"You were excited, weren't you? ... I'm sorry, baby."


...
Its rare to get false positives, but not impossible, right?
That's all it was. Just a mistake.  Just a stupid misunderstanding on my part.

Pack it down, again.


...
Babies. Babies, everywhere!  I don't have a baby.  I'm just hormonal and crazy and fat and baby-less. My horrible uterus can't even keep something precious safe for more than a couple of months. Pathetic.

Excellent.
Mother's day. Awkward.
A sweet card from someone who understands... but doesn't even know that they do.  <3


August, September-
We should be celebrating perfectly big bellies. Instead, new clothing because of hormonal weight. Instead, grief.

Waiting.  Just get past this.... focus on encouraging the ones who are really hurting.
I don't need to grieve something that isn't as real or visible.

October-
Rain.
Lots of physical pains.
Can't help but feel as though this should be for a purpose this month. I wish this agony had a baby joy at the end.
Empty. Secretly.


November-
Confused. Angry. Waiting ....for the next heartbreaking thing.
So much sadness.
and yet, still wishing for our own "celebration", birthday song, family gathering.
Death. Tears. Morning.
Mourning.
Wishing cousins could be close. Wishing I could fix it all, take back my initial thoughts.

Detach to survive.

So many people pull together.  Everyone has been so involved, so supportive.  They've all been waiting and praying, hoping and preparing and encouraging.
Grief and Emptiness.
Except everyone feels empty.

New fears.
Overwhelmed. Weary. Silent.

...Waiting for God to fill the gaps.  To raise the clouds of uncertainty and sadness and bring about the 'happy' again.

Thanksgiving-  
Grateful for Evie.

Christmas- 
Escape to PA. No consistent reminders.

December 31-
25 now.  Not old, just hurting.
...Just thought I'd have a 'special' birthday this year and there would be 'special' holiday celebrations for everyone.

'Accidents' don't usually happen twice.  We definitely won't be parents for quite a while now.
Lots of tears.

2013-
Angry.
...Because I'm hurt and jealous. Because I feel betrayed.

I can't keep doing this.  I can't be angry. No, I can't be boiling inside. I want to be happy.
But how?

Isn't it obvious?

Now- 
I know I need to tackle my emotions and kill the anger and jealousy at the source.
I want this year to be good, on track... and I don't want to keep carrying this burden.

So I'm putting it out in the open.
Not for drama, not for 'fussing'...
just for my own sanity.


Please, don't ask and please don't make it a 'thing'.
Just know. 

And please pray for me too.
I know my situation doesn't compare at all to the grief and suffering of those around me...  I know there isn't a face to put to this...  and this kind of thing happens to everyone...
but still, please pray for my heart.
<3

I'm eager for a fresh page and new hopes.

I confess. I've been terrible. I've been angry and jealous and guilty... and I know I caused it.
...and I don't want 2013 to continue on the same path.

God, please, I'm willing...    Renew my mind and mend my heart. 

<3 Lauren

Still

The Still After the Storm

When things have settled down dramatically...
but your heart is still hurting...

and you feel:
fragile
lonely
empty
and
exhausted

Be Still.  

be weak. be silent. be alone.

relax
rest
be calm
...just float.

Rest in theOne who will always be.

Just listen.

Be Still- The Fray

Overwhelmed

On a more serious note...

A lot has happened over the last few days. It feels like we've all been trapped in this whirlwind of dark weirdness.  So much in such short period of time and I haven't really had any time or energy to sit down and think about it, let alone put any of it in words.  I don't know about you but writing helps me process through all the emotions I have rolling around in my head and the unrest in my heart.

It's truly been a week of the most bizarre mix of emotions I've (maybe ever) experienced.

Overwhelmed.

For a few days there, the only thing I could express to people who asked how I was was...
 "too much"

I'm not a big fan of losing.
I don't like failure, I don't like losing control, I don't like crying, I don't like losing someone I love. I don't like having my hopes crushed by harsh reality. And I absolutely hate when the people that I love are hurting so deeply!  It's just hard. It's hard to process so many emotions at once, especially when those emotions are conflicting. It's hard not being able to 'fix it '...or having appropriate words to comfort with.  It's hard when something so precious is taken away.

It's hard.  It's so hard, in fact, that sometimes tears won't even come. It's like mental war.  No tears, just anxiety. Somewhere along the line, my defense mechanism changed from tears to...  nothing.  When I'm truly overwhelmed, I feel, nothing.

...But things have boiled over in the last couple of days that I didn't even realize were an issue.  Everything from jealousy to grief.  This whirling dervish of emotion includes things like:

Fear. Fear about things I didn't even know I could be scared of  like meeting and then losing a child.  I've definitely thought about things like miscarriage, being child-less, fostering children (and them having to go back home), but never this.

Aggravation with God's 'Justness'... especially when I see such dysfunctional families on a daily basis and then I see loving parents losing children.

Difficult memories surrounding many near-death experiences with my mom, hospitals, surgeries etc. Hospitals instantly make me anxious. Even when going to meet Evie, I was so anxious as soon as we pulled into the hospital.

Memories regarding family and holidays that changed because of death or missing people.

Memories of people I loved choosing to walk away or dying.

No matter the situation, the person, the issue... I was powerless. I couldn't make them stay. I couldn't make them love me, choose me.  I couldn't make their hurt go away.  I couldn't control death. All I could do is watch and hope.  Again and again, the things I prayed for and wanted came and went. But I always had hope that things would get better, that people would come around, that family would come, that Jesus was caring for the family I lost.

...but, I guess, at some point I stopped believing that hope was around the corner. I learned to expect disappointment.  I realized that by being a "realist",  blows of disappointment could be temporarily lessened. And that 'simple' change in thinking is still haunting me to this day.

At some point, controlling the tears in order to be strong for my mom or for my sister, changed into resentment, anger, frustration.  I then decided that I had to learn to control, not only the tears, but the emotions themselves.  I thought I was "guarding my heart".  The only way I knew how to do that was to push those emotions down deep and cover them up with anger. Afterall, when I was angry, I didn't hurt anymore.

I guess in a way, I'm kind of like a recovering addict.  I've been trying to change my entire way of thinking. The way I've been taught to, and consistently have processed life's hardships isn't applicable anymore. It isn't good for me, it isn't good for my marriage, for my family, our family.

For the last several months, and for this week in particular, I've been trying desperately to cling to the good. I've been trying to give the anger and frustration, jealousy, hurt, powerlessness, anxiety to God. And I've been fighting hard to suppress the anger and then fighting against the 'numbness' that a lack of anger seems to leave me with.  And fighting is hard.

It's hard to watch family walk through such difficult times.  And oddly enough, it's hard to see family pull together, be together, cry for each other, stay with each other, take care of each other (like our family does).  It's really hard to watch family love like they are supposed to. Weird, I know.  I sound like a lunatic.

But if you see me, and I'm quiet, it's probably because I'm processing.  Please don't think I'm heartless or disinterested, that couldn't be further from the truth.

Please, if you think of it, pray for me.  Pray that my heart and mind will match someday soon. Pray that the good stuff won't be so difficult to process emotionally and that I will be better equipped to sift through disappointments and surrender them to God. Loving is risky. There's so much to lose but there's also so much to gain. I'm clinging to the promises that God has given me ...and my family.

I'm so proud of Josh and Sarah for the incredible way they've handled themselves through everything. I'm particularly amazed with Sarah's ability to feel, and love, and hope despite their circumstances right now. I love you all so very much and I wish I could take your pain away. But I know that my best tool at the moment is prayer. I hope you feel them and know that you are cherished. <3

Baby Fever

Really struggling with "the fever" tonight...  and I don't mean Bieber fever.  I'm talking about BABY fever.

Maybe it's because I've been feeling nauseous and crampy and "hormonal" in recent weeks. Maybe it's because I'm exhausted.  Maybe it's because every symptom I've been feeling seems to be someone's experience with pregnancy.  Maybe it's because I'm frustrated that I feel so icky without any excitement to make it 'worth it'. Maybe it's because I've been baby gift shopping or because several close friends and acquaintances are celebrating and announcing pregnancy, the birth of new little ones or recent plans to try for a family. Maybe it's because every time a young married female is out the the office at any sort of appointment, it's obviously a baby.  Sigh... no people,  I'm not pregnant. And I'm disappointed every single time I have to say it (especially when I have to explain what's going health-wise in order to "convince" people that I'm not).  I already feel bloated and emotional and in pain half of the time, It certainly doesn't help my heart to feel as though I have to explain myself. Please don't assume that just because I'm a young, married, Christian woman, that I'm expecting.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so incredibly happy for my friends that are expecting and those that have recently added a new member to their family! I honestly am. I absolutely love shopping for baby clothes and cute little items...  I love celebrating and I especially love seeing prayers being answered! I'm excited to be involved and I love to be Auntie Lauren.

<3 AND seriously, I found some of the most adorable and snuggly little things at the store tonight... with my most favorite baby creatures... elephants!!! :) Jed found this little sweater and I just cried.  So cute, so sweet.

There have just been so many emotions recently...  my own feelings, family concerns and heartache... I can't even process everything going on with my dear sister-in law as well as extreme excitement and concern for some of my other dear friends.  There's been a lot to process and I'm having a difficult time switching gears from being (in certain instances) very private to very public, hopeful to realistic, excited and non-emotional and still very sensitive and tactful.  So please bear with me, friends.  I love to hear your news, I really really do, so don't stop sharing. I'm so grateful to be involved but please don't be offended if I cry.  I'm just emotional.

I'm telling you...
those baby elephants and mini pigs evoke cuteness crying emotion that rivals Kristen Bell's love for sloths.   You have to watch this >> Kristen Bell Sloth Meltdown Video LOL

... and that's sayin' something!  Oh yeah, I'm that crazy.

On that note, Good night dear friends...

Good night sweet Evie. We all love you so much.
Good night little bitty ones and Momma's to be.  Praying for you and loving you, even if I'm not close by. <3 <3 <3