Friday, January 4, 2013

New Year, New Page.

I'd like to get a certain something off my heart... now that a new year has come and things have settled down a bit.

This isn't going to be poetic or beautiful or meaningful, I'm sure... I apologize in advance for the length of this post.  Forgive me if this doesn't come out right and if I sound horrible or crazy. I just want to/need to put this out there so maybe my heart will have a chance to heal and my mind can 'let go' ...and perhaps allow some folks to be a bit more understanding and 'tender' with me.

There are days when, honestly, I don't think about it.  Luckily, for me, I definitely don't have the emotional burden of 'emptiness' (as she calls it) and loss like my sister-in-law, Sarah.  I haven't met and lost and I haven't known anything different than the family 'normal' that I've known for the last couple years...   which, I know, must be a blessing.

But there have been several (no, many) instances in the last year (especially recently) when I just can't keep myself from falling into these huge waves of emotion.  I can't seem to pull myself out of this pool of anger and jealousy, guilt, regret and mostly disappointment.

With Josh and Sarah's announcement in April, news of a baby girl, Evie's birth in early November, Evie's arrival in heaven and her memorial celebration...  and many more baby hopes and announcements from close friends and couples my age,  I can't possibly keep shoving everything down.  I think I made it through this year pretty well (at least until the holidays and until things settled down).

...But I've been watching kids play and mommas snuggle their little ones. I've been playing with toddlers, going to showers, and talking about pregnancy with friends, and even helping to announce pregnancy...  and it's kills me inside ...because I lied. And I know that's my fault.

I said it was was one false positive.  I lied.  It wasn't... it was three. Three, very seemingly real, positives in a few day span.

And by my calculations, our little one should have made his or her arrival sometime in late October or Early November.  I'm almost certain that we got pregnant in the first couple weeks of February, right around the time that my hormones were getting back to 'normal' after a bout with thyroiditis and after a birth-control switch.  But something was still 'off'.

After much prodding at work due to my co-workers confidence in my pregnancy symptoms, I took a test just to make sure.  Faint double line.  No! What?!...clearly my hormones are just crazy.  We've been really careful.

I picked up a two pack of tests this time and I waited through the longest day of my life.  Faint double line.  So I waited (an excruciatingcouple more days and took the second test, Positive.  Double lines. There it was.

My first reaction:
The girls at work were right?!  Ohmygosh! A baby! I love babies!  Our baby. <3

My day 2 reaction:
Complete PANIC.

I had -just- spent the last few months focusing on how difficult life would be financially if we were to have a surprise baby.  I -just- spoke to a few close friends about my worries and our plans days ago. I was just talking about how I wish we could start a family but how stressed I was about loan debt and housing and ...everything really.  I was just talking about how I'm not ready yet.  I'm not stable enough, energetic enough, healthy enough.

What will Jed say?  He's not going to know what to do. He's going to be angry.  I might watch him have a panic attack right here, right now.  He doesn't want this yet... he's made that clear.  I didn't sneakily try this.  I do want this so much but I'm so petrified of what all this means.

Jed is so busy right now preparing for this huge work event, I can't put this on him now.  He might seriously lose his mind.  He will definitely lose his concentration.  I might lose my mind.

What am I supposed to do? Who do I tell first?  I tell Jed first  ...but I can't tell him yet.  Too much stress.  It's got to be pretty early (I think).  Should I make an appointment? But I shouldn't/can't take more time off work for this. I've been to the doctor about a million times over hormone stuff and birth control recently.

Should I be celebrating? Planning?  Where will we put her/him... in a sock drawer?

Why now, God?  We don't even have our own place. We just started new jobs. We just started this young adults thing... 

Okay, settle. Keep it together.

Keep it a secret until Jed's work thing settles down. Find a good time and then... a talk.  Jed will understand.  He loves me. These things happen.

He will be a wonderful dad. He will adjust and he will be responsible and love like no other.

Maybe it's a blessing. What am I talking about?! It is a blessing. It's what I want so badly.  I just wish timing was different and finances were better. A baby. *Sigh* A family ... just like I've always dreamed of and prayed for.

Well, I prayed that someday I could get pregnant. Obviously God thinks now is an appropriate time. Okay, God.  We can do this.  We are married adults. We will make it work, whatever it takes. We will love him/her so much. We may not have the 'ideal' financial situation.  But then again, who does?  I may not be able to stay at home but...  it will be okay. God won't give us more than we can handle, right?

Everything will be okay.  I'll tell Jed soon.  Lets jut get past this week and next... and I'll find a time after all the work chaos ends. 

March 28-
I'm really hoping this is 'normal'...

March 30-
Apparently telling won't be necessary.  Pain, horrible cramps, can barely walk.

April 5-
Confirmed.  No baby.

Back to work.

All this worry and planning, emotion and mental chaos for what?  ...For a let-down like this?!!!! I already let it sink into my heart, God!

How could you let me want this, God!  ...I didn't even know how much until (I thought) you showed me.  But now what? You're going to take this away?

Stop it, Lauren. You can't get angry over something you weren't completely sold-out about to begin with.  Just pack it away.  It stays a secret.  No one else needs to know anyway. After all, it's my stupid body, my stupid emotions. Keep yourself under control.

Just be grateful.  Nothing has changed, right?  Proceed as usual.
If I focus on normal things then surely this disappointment will go away. It was just weeks ago when I didn't know any different.

Keep busy. Just keep busy. 

Oh good, new things on the horizon. Party planning, new job.  I can erase this whole thing from my mind.

April 7-
Finally something to celebrate!  Teresa's Birthday. This will get my mind off things. :) Fun planning and fun times.

... Josh and Sarah are having another baby.
...a little over 6 weeks along.

should have been about 10 weeks right now and should have been able to confidently announce it in just another 2 weeks or so.

Seriously, God?! How can you be so cruel?
How am I supposed to be joyful with them?

I feel so stupid for hoping. I should have known better.  Why am I so emotional over something so small, something so 'unimportant' to everyone else.  Something no one else even knows about.  It should be unimportant to me too. I'm so stupid.

Oh God!  That's what it was...
I didn't want this baby enough.
Or maybe I wanted it too much?  For the wrong reasons? God, I don't know.

...Because I didn't love her/him the whole time.  I didn't plan it and didn't 'take care' of him or her well enough.  It's because I didn't tell Jed.  It's because I waited to say something.  I waited too long. This is punishment for lying.    Ashamed.

Some people say that "unplanned" and "unwanted" are interchangeable.  So... I unwanted this kid right out of being.



It's a girl.
Jealous. Angry. Betrayed.

Horrible news.
I take it back... I'm not jealous. Not really, God.  A niece would be nice.
God, I didn't mean this. What are you doing?!
You are making a complete mess of hearts! How could any of this possibly be good, how could this possibly be helpful, useful?

Wow. Yet another layer of confusion on top of an already broken 'hope'.

Public blog posts and lots of support.
I want that.
God, I need to release all this... this anxiety.  I need someone to know. I need someone to understand.

It's not your time now. You've missed your chance to be comforted.  It's not a big deal,  especially now.  This only hurts you anyway, don't be so selfish.

But I still need some comfort and I have to tell Jed.  I feel so guilty.

...So I tell a half truth.

"I got a positive pregnancy test a while ago...  I didn't tell you. I'm sorry."
"What?..."  " You're pr..."
"No. I'm not."
"It was probably a false positive. Your hormones have been crazy"
"Right."   ..."It was probably just a mistake"
"You were excited, weren't you? ... I'm sorry, baby."

Its rare to get false positives, but not impossible, right?
That's all it was. Just a mistake.  Just a stupid misunderstanding on my part.

Pack it down, again.

Babies. Babies, everywhere!  I don't have a baby.  I'm just hormonal and crazy and fat and baby-less. My horrible uterus can't even keep something precious safe for more than a couple of months. Pathetic.

Mother's day. Awkward.
A sweet card from someone who understands... but doesn't even know that they do.  <3

August, September-
We should be celebrating perfectly big bellies. Instead, new clothing because of hormonal weight. Instead, grief.

Waiting.  Just get past this.... focus on encouraging the ones who are really hurting.
I don't need to grieve something that isn't as real or visible.

Lots of physical pains.
Can't help but feel as though this should be for a purpose this month. I wish this agony had a baby joy at the end.
Empty. Secretly.

Confused. Angry. Waiting ....for the next heartbreaking thing.
So much sadness.
and yet, still wishing for our own "celebration", birthday song, family gathering.
Death. Tears. Morning.
Wishing cousins could be close. Wishing I could fix it all, take back my initial thoughts.

Detach to survive.

So many people pull together.  Everyone has been so involved, so supportive.  They've all been waiting and praying, hoping and preparing and encouraging.
Grief and Emptiness.
Except everyone feels empty.

New fears.
Overwhelmed. Weary. Silent.

...Waiting for God to fill the gaps.  To raise the clouds of uncertainty and sadness and bring about the 'happy' again.

Grateful for Evie.

Escape to PA. No consistent reminders.

December 31-
25 now.  Not old, just hurting.
...Just thought I'd have a 'special' birthday this year and there would be 'special' holiday celebrations for everyone.

'Accidents' don't usually happen twice.  We definitely won't be parents for quite a while now.
Lots of tears.

...Because I'm hurt and jealous. Because I feel betrayed.

I can't keep doing this.  I can't be angry. No, I can't be boiling inside. I want to be happy.
But how?

Isn't it obvious?

I know I need to tackle my emotions and kill the anger and jealousy at the source.
I want this year to be good, on track... and I don't want to keep carrying this burden.

So I'm putting it out in the open.
Not for drama, not for 'fussing'...
just for my own sanity.

Please, don't ask and please don't make it a 'thing'.
Just know. 

And please pray for me too.
I know my situation doesn't compare at all to the grief and suffering of those around me...  I know there isn't a face to put to this...  and this kind of thing happens to everyone...
but still, please pray for my heart.

I'm eager for a fresh page and new hopes.

I confess. I've been terrible. I've been angry and jealous and guilty... and I know I caused it.
...and I don't want 2013 to continue on the same path.
God, please, I'm willing...    Renew my mind and mend my heart. 
<3 Lauren


  1. Praying always. Would love to talk again over some coffee. You're one of the good ones.

  2. Someone said to me a long time ago, someone in whose eyes I thought I should be the "most", that "there would always be someone more...". The blank can be filled in any way you want, beautiful, smart, wealthy, athletic, spiritual.
    That someone was right, but only as compared to the worlds standard. To God, Whose standard is the only one that really matters, there is no one more equipped, perfectly designed and able to fulfill the purpose He has lovingly established for ME.
    That goes for you Lauren. You are a "one-of". With some good God-polish, we will/do shine. It's our Jesus showing!

  3. I'm so sorry, Lauren. Thanks for connecting some of the dots for us.

    Maybe it's some small consolation to know that you're in good company with the likes of C.S. Lewis when he was heart-broken over the death of his wife in 1960. You sound very much like him and, surely, you could do worse than being like C.S. Lewis.

    "Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be — or so it feels — welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become. There are no lights in the windows. It might be an empty house. Was it ever inhabited? It seemed so once. And that seeming was as strong as this. What can this mean? Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?

    Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not 'So there's no God after all,' but 'So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer.'

    On the other hand ‘Knock and it shall be opened.’ But does knocking mean hammering and kicking the door like a maniac?

    I have gradually been coming to feel that the door is no longer shut and bolted. Was it my own frantic need that slammed it in my face? The time when there is nothing at all in your soul except a cry for help may be just the time when God can’t give it: you are like the drowning man who can’t be helped because he clutches and grabs. Perhaps your own reiterated cries deafen you to the voice you hoped to hear."