On a more serious note...
A lot has happened over the last few days. It feels like we've all been trapped in this whirlwind of dark weirdness. So much in such short period of time and I haven't really had any time or energy to sit down and think about it, let alone put any of it in words. I don't know about you but writing helps me process through all the emotions I have rolling around in my head and the unrest in my heart.
It's truly been a week of the most bizarre mix of emotions I've (maybe ever) experienced.
I'm not a big fan of losing.
I don't like failure, I don't like losing control, I don't like crying, I don't like losing someone I love. I don't like having my hopes crushed by harsh reality. And I absolutely hate when the people that I love are hurting so deeply! It's just hard. It's hard to process so many emotions at once, especially when those emotions are conflicting. It's hard not being able to 'fix it '...or having appropriate words to comfort with. It's hard when something so precious is taken away.
It's hard. It's so hard, in fact, that sometimes tears won't even come. It's like mental war. No tears, just anxiety. Somewhere along the line, my defense mechanism changed from tears to... nothing. When I'm truly overwhelmed, I feel, nothing.
...But things have boiled over in the last couple of days that I didn't even realize were an issue. Everything from jealousy to grief. This whirling dervish of emotion includes things like:
Fear. Fear about things I didn't even know I could be scared of like meeting and then losing a child. I've definitely thought about things like miscarriage, being child-less, fostering children (and them having to go back home), but never this.
Aggravation with God's 'Justness'... especially when I see such dysfunctional families on a daily basis and then I see loving parents losing children.
Difficult memories surrounding many near-death experiences with my mom, hospitals, surgeries etc. Hospitals instantly make me anxious. Even when going to meet Evie, I was so anxious as soon as we pulled into the hospital.
Memories regarding family and holidays that changed because of death or missing people.
Memories of people I loved choosing to walk away or dying.
No matter the situation, the person, the issue... I was powerless. I couldn't make them stay. I couldn't make them love me, choose me. I couldn't make their hurt go away. I couldn't control death. All I could do is watch and hope. Again and again, the things I prayed for and wanted came and went. But I always had hope that things would get better, that people would come around, that family would come, that Jesus was caring for the family I lost.
...but, I guess, at some point I stopped believing that hope was around the corner. I learned to expect disappointment. I realized that by being a "realist", blows of disappointment could be temporarily lessened. And that 'simple' change in thinking is still haunting me to this day.
At some point, controlling the tears in order to be strong for my mom or for my sister, changed into resentment, anger, frustration. I then decided that I had to learn to control, not only the tears, but the emotions themselves. I thought I was "guarding my heart". The only way I knew how to do that was to push those emotions down deep and cover them up with anger. Afterall, when I was angry, I didn't hurt anymore.
I guess in a way, I'm kind of like a recovering addict. I've been trying to change my entire way of thinking. The way I've been taught to, and consistently have processed life's hardships isn't applicable anymore. It isn't good for me, it isn't good for my marriage, for my family, our family.
For the last several months, and for this week in particular, I've been trying desperately to cling to the good. I've been trying to give the anger and frustration, jealousy, hurt, powerlessness, anxiety to God. And I've been fighting hard to suppress the anger and then fighting against the 'numbness' that a lack of anger seems to leave me with. And fighting is hard.
It's hard to watch family walk through such difficult times. And oddly enough, it's hard to see family pull together, be together, cry for each other, stay with each other, take care of each other (like our family does). It's really hard to watch family love like they are supposed to. Weird, I know. I sound like a lunatic.
But if you see me, and I'm quiet, it's probably because I'm processing. Please don't think I'm heartless or disinterested, that couldn't be further from the truth.
Please, if you think of it, pray for me. Pray that my heart and mind will match someday soon. Pray that the good stuff won't be so difficult to process emotionally and that I will be better equipped to sift through disappointments and surrender them to God. Loving is risky. There's so much to lose but there's also so much to gain. I'm clinging to the promises that God has given me ...and my family.
I'm so proud of Josh and Sarah for the incredible way they've handled themselves through everything. I'm particularly amazed with Sarah's ability to feel, and love, and hope despite their circumstances right now. I love you all so very much and I wish I could take your pain away. But I know that my best tool at the moment is prayer. I hope you feel them and know that you are cherished. <3