Sunday, November 18, 2012

Results of "Weeding the Gardens"

I've been relaxing today, just thinking about the past year and reflecting on what all has happened in my own heart and mind.  I decided to look into my journalings ... and stumbled upon this article that I posted in November of last year on my "mind the little foxes" blog (One of those "articles" again, you know how much I love them ;) ).  

I am finding it truly amazing how much God has been subtly answering my prayers requests from a year ago until now. He's been very gentle about helping me find truth and acceptance... which, despite my disinterest in being patient and waiting for answers, is perfect for me.  God must know me well.  ;)  He is letting me process things a little bit at a time.  He has given me some space and time to sort through things, he's allowed me to have some meaningful conversations with people I have met, people I admire, even people that I don't want to be like (if that makes sense) in order to better understand myself and his desires and will for me and my Christian walk.

I kind of relate my answered prayers (and timing) to watching a child grow up.  You know how you're always amazed/shocked at how much someone has grown or changed if you don't see them on a regular basis ... but when you see them daily/weekly, it's just normal?   Well, I think that's kind of like my prayer life with God in the emotional sense.

I haven't really had any shocking, "ah-ha!" moments.  Nor have I had any real instances of feeling like "Blam, that was God's hand" in my life.  Mostly I've felt like I've been floating along ... talking to God, voicing my concerns, but not really knowing exactly how to fix the problem and hurts in my heart.  I didn't even really know what to pray for.  I've been slightly 'jealous' (lets say) about the "clarity" some consistently have  and the overwhelming answers to prayers that have been going on around me ... and was trying to think about how/if God has been answering me... like that. 

And all of a sudden, “Blam!” God’s answer became apparent...

#1. Remember, it’s not your job to “fix” everything.  You asked me to help you. You asked me to change your mind and to change your heart... and that’s what I’ve been doing.

#2. I know you much better than you even know yourself. My ways are perfect.  And by perfect I mean, I know exactly what you need... even down to the timing and way that your heart and emotions are affected. 

#3. I placed people in your life when you were ready to listen and ready to heal.

#4. I gave specific people (and their wisdom) when you needed to connect ...and  opportunities to serve when you needed that too.

#5. I know that you don’t like dramatic change.  Clearly.  Even you know that. So I didn’t throw one big thing at you or try to change your mind and heart in one day.  I let you process and sort through it all. Sometimes it was quiet and calm, sometimes it was chaotic.

#6. When you pleaded with me about certain things, I knew when your heart was serious about not being able to function at your workplace etc … and I helped orchestrate a change.  A great change.  …and I’m still working.

#7. ...also, in case you hadn't noticed, I allowed you to be in an environment like that, because it inspired the kind of feelings (that before) you would have brushed under the rug or run away from. You didn't want to deal with them before and some you didn't even really know about until they to boiled to the surface again.  I want you to be healthy and stable and able to love me and serve me in to the very best of your ability. 

#8. Your vulnerability and challenges have allowed me to plant seeds, ideas, passions within you…

#9. I have given you time and space so that my truth has a good chance to sink in.  And just as it took several years of negative to make an impression, it takes time to learn and heal now too. 

#10. Your challenges and search for truth, have (perhaps) allowed opportunity for others search too, pray too.

For Reference:
This is what I was struggling with, wrote about, was praying about and working towards a year ago.... regarding some of my issues with rejection and identity. 

November 2012

This is NOT my writing... but certainly my thoughts. Among several other related topics, this particular one has been weighing on my mind and heart a LOT lately.  I keep falling into the same cycle of feeling just like most of this post describes.  It's certainly a hard mindset /stronghold to break and honestly I'm not doing so well.... but with prayer and willingness on my part... I'm truly hoping that God's truth will free me from this.  

I really need to be fed truth ...and mostly be willing to accept the truth for what it is, solid and unfailing, not manipulated or exaggerated.  God is not PEOPLE. People fail. I fail, and they most likely have failed for the same reasons I am right now.  But the difference, perhaps, is that I'm willing and really desiring a solution, a surrender, a change in thought and heart and action. 

I've got to start somewhere.  Getting to the root is the hardest part.  But I'm weeding the gardens now and trying to let the beautiful things bloom.  I'm quite tired of the lovely things being suffocated by all the ugly.     

Step 1: PRAYER, and lots of it.
Step 2: Focusing on the truth. (not the world's 'truth but God's ACTUAL, SOLID, ETERNAL TRUTH)
Step 3: Thanking God for EVERYTHING.  ...and I mean EVERYTHING.  My chai latte, my quiet time, my job (even the stress that comes with it- because I'm growing- slowly but surely (I'm holding on to that)). My housing, my shower, my truly wonderful husband, my limbs, my brain power, my non-dirt floors, my car, gas, bedding... even maybe my past.  Perhaps I could even be truly grateful for that too ;)
Step 4: Forgiving. Forgiving the details.  Laying it down, once and for all.  Think about the root of the anger, bitterness, hurt, anxiety, perfectionism etc...   Who, when, what.... and then think about how I don't DESERVE forgiveness either.  And finally LET IT GO once and for all. 
Step 5: Putting in GOOD and throwing out the bad. What goes in must come out. So, I'd better get cracking on the 'filling up with good' part of this objective ...cause God knows, there is a lot of bad to be bombarded with quite regularly.  (But again, much more good to be seen than just at first glance or first instinct.)
Step 6: Changing my 'mode' of dealing. I've kind of been trained/trained myself (now that I'm older) to fight hard or let go completely.  But mostly, a middle ground is the answer... and it seems as though I've got the two extremes flipped around a bit. So... working on that too.

WHEW. Alright then. I could use a small army of prayer warriors if you'd be gracious enough to think of me when you're talking to God. :)    

Thanks to everyone who has prayed for me.  I am far from "whole" but honestly, I've felt much different over the last few months and I've had a different sense of peace. I think that perhaps... much of the truth I've been engulfed in... is finally sinking in, at least a little.  :) If nothing else, there is hope in that. And hope is really, all I need in order to feel like something is tackle-able. So thank you and please keep praying (as this stuff is a daily battle of heart and mind).  ...and probably a daily battle for many people you know and meet.


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