I honestly don’t know.
No. I'm not ever ready for change.
I'm not going to lie. I'm freaking out inside!
Am I ready to move on Saturday?! yes and no. I feel tense and my stomach is in knots just thinking of all the possibilities for trouble.
I feel as though things are a bit awkward at the office right now (which is understandable when one only has 2 weeks left).
I’m nervous about leaving my job and becoming "bored" in my new situation. (Which I know sounds ridiculous- I will still be working... but it's going to look and be so much different and "boredom" is a legitimate fear of mine.)
I'm also scared of new anything. period.
I’m worried about finances and frankly (selfishly)- I’m a bit freaked out about potentially not having the funds to escape for date nights or girls nights etc... which I've been able to do in recent months. It's been such a huge blessing to be able to hang out and have pleasant communications (on a whim) and after spending the majority of my days with potty-mouths and angsty-pants over the phone.
All that to say...
I guess I'm about as "ready" as I'll ever be. My 'gut' says that moving and a job change is best right now. God has lined everything up to work out as smoothly as possible, so I can't, in good conscience, conclude that my anxiousness is anything other than fear.
...So I've been praying these words over and over today.
I keep praying (requesting) that God's will be done in everything that we choose right now, that God would calm my nerves, and orchestrate the final pieces of the puzzle that would help this planner feel a bit better about all the new that's about to happen.
...and I keep thinking of what God would say if He was trying to ease my fears.
I think He would hold the sides of my shoulders firmly (yet gently), look me straight in the eye and say something like...
...then He would pull me in close and hug me tightly (just like my Dad would).
He'd hold me for a second, take a deep breath and then crack a silly joke to make me smile...
... and pull me back in for another firm hug. I'd use the shoulder of his dad-shirt as a tissue and then I'd feel... better.
I have faith that God will provide the means necessary to make this work as well as the strength and discipline to be alright.
My fears don't come from lack of trust in God's abilities but rather a lack of trust in my own. (Which, I must say, is probably a very good thing.)
*I mean, If I was left to my own devices, I'd probably be 800 pounds due to sweet-tea and chocolate chip pancake intake. I would have racked up the national debt in new blouses and I would be spending all my 'free' time at Disney World. - I'm just sayin'.
... So it's probably best that I don't trust my spontaneous wants all the time. I know that God would not approve of my financially irresponsible, gluttonous and vain habits.
We've prayed and consulted, crunched numbers and re-evaluated our goals.
But the question remains:
Are we really willing to risk our comfort and our obvious security in order to follow His direction? Am I really willing?
Sometimes change (as scary and risky as it may be) is a step towards hope... a step in the right direction.
Sometimes faith means being still and waiting. Sometimes faith is risk-taking.
Faith is always trusting in God's provision and plan (whether waiting or doing).
Even when we fail, there may be consequences... but God is bigger than all the wrong we are capable of. We aren't beyond redemption. We aren't beyond repair. I'm not beyond repair. As long as we seek Him, he promises that he will direct our paths.
Will it look the way we originally expected? Maybe not.
Will we still be okay? Yes.
Our God is loving and gracious and merciful.
I'm praying desperately that God is very merciful with me during these times of adjustment. Because if I know anything about myself, I know that I have a really hard time with new things.
So I'm praying now... before the new begins... that He will give me a thankful and joyful heart and a very flexible attitude.
I know good things are happening and I'm so excited to see what He has in store for us in the coming months!