Uncertainty

Uncertainty.  We’ve all dealt with it at one time or another.  Most of us are probably dealing with it right now.  Maybe we are uncertain about our future, our family, our finances. Uncertainty is one of those things in life that we generally expect but rarely know how to handle when it’s knocking at the door. Uncertainty can come in the form debt, a lost job or lessening work load, a new family addition, a strained relationship, the loss of a loved one, a new home, a changed plan, a new career, a sickness, weakness or a worsening economy.

Jed and I definitely know what it’s like to feel uncertain about our future. Every time something changes or we stay ‘stuck’, it feels as though a little bit of hope is ripped away.  We try to persevere despite being discouraged and we look for opportunities to aid us in our future. But I have to say that when one of our "open door" opportunities is slammed in our face, it hurts.  In fact, I think I'd rather have my fingers slammed inside of a doorframe than have that spark of hope distinguished. 

Last night, after finding out that our most recent hope of getting our loan payments reduced to a manageable amount (that would potentially provide us the ability to have a rent or mortgage payment, save for a down payment and hopefully eventually plan for a family) was no longer an option...  I had a brief mental meltdown.  I checked and rechecked, hoping I'd find something different. I dervished around the house for a few minutes and then, as soon as Jed hugged me (hugs are my kryptonite), I wept like a baby.  

Our conversation went something like this:

Lauren- *sobbing*

Jed- I know, babe.

Lauren- I'm just so *insert gasp for air* ...disappointed.

Jed- I know.  We just have to wait longer.  We just have to keep doing what we're doing.

Lauren- *tears*

Jed- Maybe God wants us to be a plate. 

Lauren-*insert wail to wake the neighbors*  ...but… I don't want to be a plate. *gasp* I'm in a china cabinet full of bowls.  I want to be a bowl too.

Jed- I know babe, I know. 

**This conversation may not make much sense to you but it was based on our, almost irritatingly applicable, sunday school message from that morning.  The topic was about the Potter and His clay. 

Being moldable isn't easy. 

Giving up the hope of being a bowl (if God wants you to be a plate) is almost unbearable at times. But I can honestly say that I believe that God is more than capable. He is good, giving, gracious, powerful, merciful, wonderful and loving. I also know that God is capable of working things out in ways we never could have imagined.  I’ve seen God's provision. I've heard of overwhelming peace and comfort during the hardest times and I’ve witnessed the power of prayer. I trust that he not only has the power to change our circumstances but he also has the power to change our hearts (if we let him).  I'm trusting that he can help me feel peaceful, content, hopeful, confident and loved.

In those moments when that last spark of hope seems to be distinguished, I have to realize that even if everything else goes awry, even if my life (as I know it - on earth) completely falls apart, even if my finances fail or my family is taken away, I have something wonderful to look forward to. There is something even more wonderful than the desires that I have for my future.  I have something even more worthwhile than family and friends, careers and money, church activities and service. 

I have hope in eternity. I hold tight to the promise that by being faithful on earth, I am storing up treasures in heaven. And though sometimes our hearts can’t fully comprehend the suffering, disappointment and uncertainties of life, it is comforting to know that our hearts can’t fully comprehend God's eternal goodness either.

Maybe with continued patience and perseverance, God will choose to bless us on earth in the way that we most desire... but maybe he will mold us into something new. I'm sure that if He does, He will certainly teach us to be the best darn plate anyone's ever seen! ;)   

My prayer is that God will continue to mold Jed and I together, keep us strong and bonded together, keep us pliable enough to accept his shaping and ultimately be strong enough to be used in whatever way He most desires.

Uncertainty is everywhere and it can be difficult to remain faithful but perhaps this mucky muddle we're in is really just the start of something beyond our understanding. Maybe it's something beautiful that's just taking shape. I'm going to choose to believe that it is.