Friday, September 14, 2012

Heart's Desire

Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; Trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.  Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him…
Psalm 37:5-7a NIV

The number one question that’s been on my mind recently has been this… and this is what the conversation (in my head) has looked like:

Are you really going to give me the desires of my heart?  When, God? I know I’m supposed to be patient and I’m trying to trust but I can’t help feeling as though you’re leaving me hanging here.  I don’t know what you desire for me, I don’t know what I should desire and how when I should be desiring it. I really wish I knew.

You know that I want to please you.  You know that I value responsibility; you’ve put that deep inside of me.  You know that I value my husband, that I love the idea of family and that I want to have children.  You know that I love learning. You know how much I hate emotional chaos. You know that I really like working.  You know that the idea of staying home with kids all day scares me senseless. You know what’s going on with me physically and mentally. You know how drained I am. You’ve allowed be to be formed and shaped by the things you’ve put in my life but I don’t know why.  You know how overwhelming everything can be at times.  You know how much I try not to worry and how many times I fail at giving everything to you. 

Don’t be so discouraged. Don’t lose heart. You need to find your joy in Me. Remember when you only had Me to lean on? Did I let you down then? I carried you when you’re spirit was broken. I want to carry you again; I always do. You just have to let me. You can’t constantly fight me.  I let you break so I can remold you, reform you and strengthen you. You may feel lost, but I haven’t let you go.

You can’t put your hope in a relationship, not in a family, not in a home or a ministry or a job, just Me.  Love me, Lauren. Love me more than you love family, more than you love Jed, more than you love the idea of having a house, more than education and learning, more than your job. Desire Me more.

I love you. I’m trying to be good and do good things. I’m trying to please you. You know how much I want to be your girl. I don’t know who to listen to. I don’t know what “wise counsel” to trust and what steps to take to get to…wherever it is I’m going. 
Help me get to the place where I can truly say that I want your way and not my way. I know I’m not quite there yet and I’m holding on tight to these desires. I do know that if I just let them go, I’ll feel so much more content, fulfilled and joyful.  So please help me. Please change my heart or my mind, whatever is keeping me here.

*Please don’t teach me how to be patient; I’m okay with not learning any more about that. ha.  
...But if I must wait, then please give me the peace and understanding I need.

Keep my words in your heart.  When you feel discouraged, when you’re feeling broken or worried or uncertain, I’m only a thought away.

David writes, “Commit your ways to the Lord and trust in Him.”

I have to continue to tell God that I want His way, not my way.
I have to be still and wait on Him.

Scripture tells me that He will give me the desire of my heart. But I need to desire His heart ...and His timing may not be my timing.  His plans and desires may end up being different than the desires I ever thought I wanted.

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen
Ephesians 3:20-21 NASB

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