I know this is my happy place...
and I assure you, it still is and still will be :)
...But there are days like today, when despite all the things we’ve been blessed us with, I feel as though something is missing. I'm still worried and anxious and just a little bit sad.
Being cooped up all day at home can lead to a lot of thinking.
My Thoughts to God Today:
Patience is awfully difficult, God, especially when I'm not sure when (or if) the waiting will end and if all this waiting will ever lead to something worthwhile. For something so "controlled" as making a family, and choosing career paths, there isn't a great deal of control to be had.
I’m coming to the realization that I may be 30 or so before you gift me with my deepest desires, but I'll wait. I'm trying to be patient, God. It's terribly difficult when everyone around me is always talking and posting and pinning and fitting in right where I really want to fit. And more so than that... I'm scared that you may never allow me to have what I want most. I’ve seen first hand people struggle with making a family, both physically and financially. Clearly you didn't create me to run quite 'perfectly', and there must be a reason for that right?
We're doing everything in our power, God ...to be wise, to be loyal, to be giving and thrifty and good stewards of the things you've blessed us with.
I wish I could have a do-over when it comes to schooling and loan debt and I wish we were at a different place in life right now, but I have to believe that you have us here for a reason. I can’t help but wonder though, if we gave up having a family for student loans?
It's hard to plan for things we can't see. It’s hard to know when we are making the right choices, pushing forward when needed and stepping back and letting things happen in your time. …And it’s even harder to live in the 'now' while hoping for something in the future.
So we pray, we prepare (as best we can) and we hope. (I think I 'hope' a bit more than Jed does at this point)
I've spent my time distancing myself from things that hurt. I've desperately tried to redirect my attention and convince myself that I don't want what I really do. I've done everything in my power to plan and protect. I'm trusting that as I'm trying to integrate, you won't let me fall and that you'll protect my heart. Please treat me like the tiny and fragile human I am. Deal with my mercifully, please and lay out as much truth as possible to lessen the emotional blows that "patience" provides.
I love the idea of family, God. And I want so badly to create one with Jed. But I do love you more than I love that desire. And I do trust that if you have other plans for us, that you’ll give me everything I need to handle it. But just for the record... I do desire a family, God. Jed and I plus maybe one or two little people who hopefully act a bit more like him than me. I really want to be the kind of mother who raises her children herself and would prefer to be younger than older (whatever that means). I think that's basically what I want out of life.
You know it, I know it. You've watched me suppress those desires since my teen years because I thought it wasn't independent and productive enough. And you've watched me struggle here, as I've done absolutely everything in my power to push the thoughts of family away. I don't want to run. But I do need to survive right now, physically and emotionally.
I know this doesn't seem like a big deal and I know there are other people going through 100 times more difficult things right now... but I really do need you to help me stay strong. I need help in making the right decisions, loving my husband and obeying him. I need you to tear down the walls I've built against all this family stuff, help me be joyful in other's family growth (especially those closest to us and in our age group) and help me see what it is I'm supposed to pursue right this minute. I need to you to give us enough foresight though to make wise choices, be strong against emotion, the desire to fit in, and the desire to escape entirely. I'm sure you know how my measly mind can easily forget how great it is to be young and married and without additional responsibility. Help me to remember that until you give me (if you do) something different.
Help us (me) to be wise. Please direct us and make it as obvious as possible what stepping-stones we should use to get to wherever it is we are going.
In the meantime... I though I'd compile a list of amazing things I'm so happy for TODAY
1. Microwave popcorn
2. Washing Machine and Dryer Access
3. Oh So Sweet Tea
4. Running Water
5. The Invention of Migraine Medicine
6. Air Conditioning
8. My Wonderful Husband who is smart, kind, loving and capable of planning
9. Great Smelling Candles
10. Clean towels
11. Comfortable Yoga Pants
12. A Healthy Yaris